...to feel hurt.

[Recoveringandupset]

I had an operation last week and am at home recovering. A couple of my friends have messaged me asking if I am okay but not one of them have asked if I need anything. This doesn't really bother me but I feel hurt by one particular friend.

Early last year, my husband was away and her husband (he is also my friend and text me after my op seeing if I was okay) was in hospital- I went to A&E at 1am so that she wasn't alone with him and stayed there until the even earlier hours, I went to the hospital every day for a week making sure they were okay and taking them various things including chocolates for the nurses. I took her, her son and her son's friend out for dinner because she wasn't eating properly, I gave her money for taxis and was basically at her beck and call with anything she needed.

When she was ill with the FLU, I bought her a balloon and took her food that she fancied, I've been there constantly for her but over this last week, I haven't even had a text, a facebook message or a tweet asking how I am. I didn't do all of those things (and more) for her to get the same in return but a message to know she'd been thinking of me would've been nice.

I may be being slightly unhinged- I cried hysterically about my husband throwing my cucumber, like and mint water away but smashed my iPad and barely cared.

the thing is, just because someone is always there for their friends doesn't mean the friends can give the same in return.

dp had a friend who was there for him at a particularly difficult time in his life, but she is also the kind of friend
who only gets in touch and expects support when things are going badly in her's, iyswim. when she split up with her bf of five minutes-- nine months we gave her support, but after a couple of weeks she became very arsy that she hadn't had texts etc every day, and then started sending dp messages along the lines of "I've been waiting for you to care enough to get in touch." sounded like a jilted lover tbh with "after everything I've done for you in the past," guilt trips thrown in for good measure.

suffice to say she is now an ex friend.

While I think most would appreciate support when a partner was in hospital, I would find all-night support, seven days a week totally suffocating and without the ability to be there for my h alone iyswim. and as such your friend may feel that you have the same expectation and not actually want to deliver that kind of support.

And with friends like that there is often no middle ground, if full-on support isn't given then nothing less will suffice.....

As for devastated/narsicist wtf?????

All the stuff you did for her was way OTT. I don't even do that for my sister.

If I were her I'd be a bit freaked by you.

A balloon when she had flu? Most people keep their distance to avoid catching it. Anyway, I certainly don't want anyone anywhere near me when I have flu: I am delirious in bed, guests not welcome.

You wrote that was basically at her beck and call with anything she needed Does that mean she actually asked you for the help? Maybe she is waiting for you to ask her instead of mind-reading?

Oh my gosh. Some of these responses...

I am not some kind of weird, freaky person that some of you are making me out to be. I suppose I should explain myself.

I didn't just 'turn up' at A&E at 1 in the morning, she had phoned me earlier in the evening saying he was ill and asking what to do, I told her to phone an ambulance. She didn't. She phoned 111 who sent her to an out of hours who then sent her to A&E. She spent whatever money she had on taxis doing that running round and had no money to get home so when she text to tell me, I went to keep her company and take her home (and him too if need be). When they kept him in, I let her know that if there was anything I could do, to let me know. And there was something everyday (minus the weekend when I was visiting my husband). She's a very needy person and didn't like being at the hospital alone as she didn't like talking to the nurses and wouldn't ask questions. I didn't mind going to the hospital and keeping her company for an hour or so as I was on holiday from work and home alone. I was being the friend she wanted me to be.

As for the balloon and food when she had the 'flu', I text her asking if there was anything she needed, she replied asking for something she loved from the restaurant I worked at. The balloon was because I thoughts it would make her smile- she's allergic to flowers and loves balloons.

All I wanted, was a text saying "hi Hun (yes, she says Hun and it pisses me off something rotten), how are you feeling? I hope the operation went well. Xxx". If she had done that, maybe I would feel like I could ask her for help. If she had text me anything at all or acknowledged the fact I actually had quite a major operation a week ago I could've text her but she didn't and it feels like she doesn't give a shit and isn't the friend I thought she was.

I wouldn't class anyone a friend if they couldn't even be bothered to pick up the phone and ring me after I'd had an op!!
Not sure what some people class as friends

Oh, and there's nothing going on in her life. If there was, I and the whole of facebook would be well aware.

OP I hope you are recovering well. You've fallen into the trap of being used by a 'friend'

Before you right her off you should double check she didn't send a text or didn't mean to send a text. There have been a good few occasions when I thought I'd sent a text but either haven't or have sent it to the wrong person. I've also had text go 'missing' once in a while.

She might be wondering why you haven't replied.

The way I see it is you have two choices and need to decide what your standards are.

You treat people how you would like to be treated and if they fall short then acknowledging this causes you hurt, you need to create a little more distance to save your own feelings.

You treat people how you feel is right at the time but accept not everyone has the same thought processes or standards and put this kind of situation to one side and enjoy the friendship for what it is.

You're clearly a lovely person, but not everyone will be like you or reciprocate to the same level. You can't change someone else only your reaction to their behaviour.

It doesn't sound like your friend is great with crisis or anything serious tbh. That could be for any number of reasons - self absorbed, lacking confidence, disorganised - only you know and can decide whether it's acceptable to you.

I think I would directly invite her for coffee and judge from that based on that.

I can't imagine helping out as much as you did but on the other end of the spectrum not even a text is harsh and I'd be very disappointed.

As for not texting a friend if your partner already had that is v weird

Was your operation something that she might be uncomfortable talking about- gynaecological, cancer- related, bowel- related etc?

She may be one of those useless people who says nothin when they don't know what to say- there are a lot of them about.

Hope you're on the mend.

I don't think that anyone thinks that YABU to feel hurt by no contact from her.

but now you are sounding as if you don't even like her!

I don't go out to work & have teens.

doesn't mean that I have nothing going on in my life!

She could just be a user. Only you know.

You're right that she does sound very needy and when push comes to shove and your DH is ill, a person has to talk to the nurses. She sounds rather childlike and whilst I like to think I do a lot for friends, she sounds one step too far in her neediness. I think you now know where you stand and she might have done you a favour with the lack of texting.

In that case, she sounds like far too much hard work.

I would ask her directly for some help and see what happens.