My ex's wife keep slagging me off to my children

[VivienScott]

I'm sure this has been done before but I need some help! My ex and I have 2 children (they're 11 and 9) together and we split up 5 years ago, he had an affair and is now married to the mistress. Obviously, she's never been my favourite person but I've done all I can to protect the children from our relationship issues, I don't discuss her unless they bring her up as a subject, I don't slag her off, essentially I just ignore to be honest. However, recently my children have been coming home and telling me after time spent with her and my ex, their dad, that she has been being quite rude about me to them, telling them I'm not a very good mother, I'm lazy because I only work part time (I work school hours to fit in with their schooling) and that if it wasn't for me taking all daddy's money (it's actually just child maintenance I have off him) they'd be able to afford to do more fun things together.
Part of me doesn't care, I know it's not true and they know it's not true. I'm pretty sure they are't making it up as they're saying it independently of each other and swearing it's the truth, also they're just not like that.
I've asked their dad to put a stop to it saying I don't care what they say about me when the children aren't their because I really don't, but it's unfair to make things up and put the children in an awkward postion, he's refused and told me I've no right to say what happens in his house, I think he's actually a bit embarassed to be honest.
Neither of them feel comfortable being around her at the moment and don't want to see their dad because she's there.
What do I do? Do they have to see their dad if they don't want to? We never had a court access agreement. I want them to see their dad but I don't want his wife slagging me off around them.
Any heelp would be appreciated.

At 11 and 9yo they will still have to go and see their dad I think.
But not for that long (at least in the eyes of the court) so really it's in his advantage to be more careful if he still wants to see his dcs.

Tbh I would just carry on with the way you have handled things. Explain to your dcs that maintenance is for them, not for you. That it is what any decent dad will do as they will want to contribute to the well being if their child.
They will (and see to have already anyway) get the true picture and how one view is twisted and not reflecting reality.
Unfortunately you can't make your ex or his wife be decent human beings and you can't make the tationship with their dad better if he doesn't want to make an effort :(.

I wouldn't make them see their dad if they don't want to, especially if they are made to feel uncomfortable by his wife. You have spoken to him & asked him to deal with it & he has chosen not to so therefore when he doesn't see his children, it will be his own fault & not your problem at all. Maybe their not wanting to see him might give him the kick up the arse he needs!

I feel for you, his wife sounds awful. To participate in ruining a marriage & then thinking she has the right to slag you off shows she has absolutely no shame at all.

She's desperately insecure by the sounds of things but what an uncomfortable situation for your kids. She can't be overly fond of your children for surely she'd put any negative feelings she had about you to one side when in their company.

Can you have another conversation with your ex and spell out to him how damaging she's being? I'd be pretty furious if I was you.

I would have another conversation but he's so pig headed that he always sees me as wanting to have a go at her. This goes back to when we spilt up and I first found out about her and I was, understandably, pretty furious with the pair of them and said some pretty vile things about her. They weren't anything worse than anyone else would say, normal calling into question the morality of the pair of them etc. However, he's always assumed I'd take any opportunity to sling mud at her so he's always defensive whenever I speak about her, he just won't listen.

I'm just fed up of my kids being stuck in the middle of it. I've bent over backwards to try and keep my feelings towards my ex and his wife under wraps as far as the children are concerned and mostly I have a fairly OK relationship with my ex, but she's always rejected any effort I've made in the past to bumble along for the sake of the kids. I've offered to have them all over for dinner so the kids get a big sit down dinner every month and at birthdays with all the adults as it were and she won't do it, that kind of thing. I'm trying to be the grown up in all of this but it just feel like I'm being taken for a mug to be honest. the kids are stuck in the middle and any effort I make is just thrown in my face and on top of that she's now started trying to undermine my relationship with my children as well.
I have been pretty reasonable, my friends tell me I'm reasonable to the point of being a doormat, but to be honest, I'm now wondering if I need to start kicking up a bit as well, I'm just concerned about the children being caught up in it all, but I also feel like I'm the only one who cares about their feeling and my ex and his wife are using that to their advantage.

It shouldn't be up to young children to tell adults how to behave, but I'd be tempted to teach them to say "please don't talk about my Mummy that way"

Tell your ex that either she behaves like an adult and keeps her stupid fat mouth shut around your children or he has to see them away from her. She's damaging his relationship with them.

Ask my Father. My bitch stepmother was always negative about my mother. Would you care to take a guess what kind of relationship I had with her? My relationship with him suffered as I distanced myself more as I got older and more able to decide where I wanted to spend time. It has never really recovered even since she died.

You need 2 conversations.

1 with your kids. You do not have to stay quiet in order to protect them. You could outline the issues she is raising, explain them as best as you think they will understand. I appreciate you don't want to get into tit for tat, but that does not mean you have to allow her to portray you as any kind of bad guy.

2nd go round with your ex: One more attempt to explain that his wife is making the kids feel uncomfortable, you don't want to dictate but he needs to know that this is having a negative affect on his kids. He might be more amenable if he has got over the embarrassment...

But mainly you need to let your kids know that you love them and that they can ask her to stop being mean about you. I know we did this as kids, Dads most precious of sisters had a nasty habit of 'just being honest'. I have a clear memory of my 6 year old sister telling her she was a mean lady and needed to be more polite

I hope you can find a solution that suits your kids.

I do feel for you OP and understand your frustration and concern. My stepmother was like this and my Dad knew what was going on and turned a blind eye because it suited him to do so - it has damaged my relationship with them both and made mine and my Dsis's life a miserable. I have very little respect or love for either of them, to be honest, after the way we were treated.

IMO a parent who lets their SO speak like this just doesn't care enough about them. In this situation, if it's upsetting your DC and they don't want to go, don't make them.

Sorry, I meant to say it made mine and my Dsis's life miserable when we were younger. My life isn't miserable now!

What do I do? Do they have to see their dad if they don't want to?

At eleven and nine, a family court would take their wishes and feelings into consideration.

His wife's slating of you, to them, is actually incredibly abusive behaviour and a court would usually see it that way too.

Kick up a stink. Please do! Your children should absolutely not have to endure abuse and if their father isn't going to protect them, then you must.

My first step would be to see a solicitor. I'd ask them to write to him, laying out the reasons for why you feel contact ought to be suspended. This will not only help encourage him to understand the enormity of what he's allowing to happen but will also create a historical document of your concerns. This could prove invaluable, if you do ever find yourself in family court.

I am another who says if he cannot look after them emotionally (and this IS emotional abuse in that he's allowing this) then he can't see them. He's not a fit parent.

No NORMAL parent would allow this woman to do such a thing.

Oh and by normal parent I mean HIM. He's awful and weak at best and abusive at worst.

I'm normally a big believer in making children spend time with the NRP even when they are reluctant to, but in this situation is let the dc decide whether they want to go or not. And I'd encourage them to tell their father that they'd appreciate more time with him on his own.

Are you completely sure that your children know that what their wicked step mother is saying is lies? I'd make sure they know for certain by explaining maintenance and all that to them very clearly.

How does he justify to you what she has said? Does he deny it or sY the kids are liars?

My friends dc went through exactly the same a few years ago. His new wife was forever slating my friend and telling them that both she and their dad paid for everything for them and their mother was just lazy etc etc etc.

It really upset the dc and no amount of my friend asking exh to get her to stop worked.

Anyway, roll on a few years and one dc has not seen dad for 2 years and other dc sees him only 3-4 times a year but only out somewhere, not at exh's home or with his new wife.

I think what helped the dc was my friend staying calm and being very open with them, in a way appropriate to them, and explaining things as they arose.

You don't have the right to say what happens while they are in his care unless it is harmful to the children. Then you have a responsibility to take steps to protect them.

If you're in a position to get a solicitor to write a letter on your behalf I would do that. If not, you could put your concerns about his GF's behaviour in writing and explain that, should it continue, you will be taking legal advice with a view to suspending contact.

family courts listen to what the children want once they turn 7 so no they dont have to see him

Very sorry to hear others have been through the same. I agree with PP that it's abusive.

For those who advocate having a word, this may not work. We told my mum what was going on and she spoke to my Dad (who dismissed it) and spoke to my stepmum to say I know what's going on and please don't speak to my children like that. The result was my stepmum basically got us on our own and told us we were lying little bitches and telltales. We didn't bother after that, just kept out of her way as much a possible.

Please protect your kids. I know you want to be reasonable, but your ex ans his new partner don't sound like reasonable people.

My response is a little emotional because I've been in your kids position but cooler heads have given good advice. If you can afford it definitely get advice from a solicitor. Good luck.

When I spoke to him, he laughed and said the children were causing trouble, now he's saying I'm blowing things out of proportion, and that I don't know what's said because I'm not there and I'm trying to make trouble. He has also accused me of trying to stop the children seeing him so I can put a claim in for more Child Maintenance, I've never, ever thought about or said this ever. I didn't have a relationship with my father and I know how much it screwed me up so I really wanted them to have a good one with theirs, his accussation really upset me as I'm just not the sort of person who would do that.
I'd never really thought about their behaviour being emotional abuse so thanks for pointing that out as it gives me a more legitimate argument to present to him. I'm fairly certain I can see the way this is going to go as she's never going to change her opinion of me, which always makes me laugh as you'd think from her behaviour it was me that was the other woman and not her, I've really done nothing to her ever.

Then ask him why they are trying to cause trouble? Whatever it is his relationship with them that will suffer.

Maybe you should also thank him for the recommendation regarding maintenance and take him to court too. Let the kids tell a judge what they want.

you'd think from her behaviour it was me that was the other woman and not her, I've really done nothing to her ever.

This is how people who know they are in the wrong try to protect their self respect. When my DD was being bullied at school, the mother of the bully became really angry with me and said some terrible things whereas I would have prefered to let school deal with our DDs and not let it affect our friendship.

You're not blowing things out of proportion. It really isn't difficult to hold your tongue when children are around. She needs to grow up and stop trying to use them to hurt you. Maybe a clear message that she is putting her boyfriend's access to his children at risk will make her see sense.

I would also point out to your dcs that legally their dad has to give some money to you so they can have do e clothes and good etc. I would tell them that it's not a case of you demanding things or your dad being so generous (I suppose you are receiving the minimum amount?) but that the law states he should help with their upkeep. And it's normal!!
The more you will explain to them what is going on, what is suppose to happen etc in a non emotional way, the easier it will be for your dcs.

Tbh I do tend to explain to my dcs that when people hurt, they say and do things that are unkind. So their step mother saying that sort of things says more about her than it does about you.

You know what, his opinion of you doesn't matter. Who gives a tupenny hapenny shit what this useless excuse of a father thinks!

Do you honestly think a man who takes up with and marries a woman like that will care if his children are being emotionally abused? He'll just say it's a load of rubbish and carry on as he is. I'm saying that but I recognise there are hoops you have to jump through.

What a nasty piece of work he is. Leave him and his horrible new wife to enjoy their own miserable company and enjoy a happy life with your lovely DC without him in it.

I would tell him again that the DC are reluctant to spend time with him because of his new wifes comments and attitude, that I would not mention it again, but he would have to deal with the consequences if he didn't resolve the issue.

No, the DC do not have to see their dad if they do not wish to do so, I certainly wouldn't force mine into a situation where they were unhappy.

Is he really such a pig that he would court order his children into contact rather than ask his wife to behave?

Maybe they are having problems and she is taking it out on the DC?

I think what Kahlua4me said is right; I've noticed this in several families.
It will be very frustrating, but a little patience may pay off, especially if you tell them that it is the law that their father contributes to their maintenance.