My ex's wife keep slagging me off to my children

[VivienScott]

I'm sure this has been done before but I need some help! My ex and I have 2 children (they're 11 and 9) together and we split up 5 years ago, he had an affair and is now married to the mistress. Obviously, she's never been my favourite person but I've done all I can to protect the children from our relationship issues, I don't discuss her unless they bring her up as a subject, I don't slag her off, essentially I just ignore to be honest. However, recently my children have been coming home and telling me after time spent with her and my ex, their dad, that she has been being quite rude about me to them, telling them I'm not a very good mother, I'm lazy because I only work part time (I work school hours to fit in with their schooling) and that if it wasn't for me taking all daddy's money (it's actually just child maintenance I have off him) they'd be able to afford to do more fun things together.
Part of me doesn't care, I know it's not true and they know it's not true. I'm pretty sure they are't making it up as they're saying it independently of each other and swearing it's the truth, also they're just not like that.
I've asked their dad to put a stop to it saying I don't care what they say about me when the children aren't their because I really don't, but it's unfair to make things up and put the children in an awkward postion, he's refused and told me I've no right to say what happens in his house, I think he's actually a bit embarassed to be honest.
Neither of them feel comfortable being around her at the moment and don't want to see their dad because she's there.
What do I do? Do they have to see their dad if they don't want to? We never had a court access agreement. I want them to see their dad but I don't want his wife slagging me off around them.
Any heelp would be appreciated.

I would post this in legal op and see what Your options are legally. There are some great posters on there who have legal qualifications.

Agree with everyone else he's a cunt and she's a skank on a turd but you need to find out legally if there's anything you can do. Am guessing this is upsetting your dcs.

What a pair of fuckwits they are and of course she's jealous of you!

She's insecure. Probably because she knows he will do to her what he did to you. That will be sweet revenge.

Good advice Lovemy. Apologies for rantiness earlier, this is a bit of a triggery subject for me due to past experience.

On a practical level, unpleasant as it will be, I would keep a record of every time this happens. Keep it objective (so hard when it's your DC, I know - along the lines of DC 1 told me that y said , DC 2 also said that y made ). If god forbid this does end up in court you will need evidence to back up any claims.

If you can find a solicitor that will give you a free half hour/hour of advice (unsure if they still do this now) it could be invaluable. You don't need to do anything with the information necessarily but knowledge is power and it will be helpful to know where you stand.

Someone once recommended a book to me, co-parenting with a toxic ex, which is available on kindle if you have one. You might find this helpful in giving you tactics on how to deal with your ex and his wife.

Agree with PP that she is probably insecure, jealous and rather inadequate. That's not your problem though and she certainly shouldn't be taking it out on your DC. Good luck.

I would definitely want to protect my children from this too, I agree with getting legal advice.

Thanks all. I just really wanted to keep things civil but I'm beginning to realise my being civil is just being taken advantage of by them. To be honest I think they're both just a piar of bullies and unless I actually really kick off at them they'll keep taking the mick.
I could do without the battle as I've a feeling this one will be the big one!

Oh well. It sounds like the kids are annoyed by it too. Explain to them that any money that your ex pays you is for their maintenance, that your life decisions otherwise are not really any of her business except with regards to them and that they will find people like this throughout their lives.

"...they will find people like this throughout their lives"

That's true. However, as an adult you can rationalise this and deal with it. Children shouldn't have to and the effects can be very damaging.

I have a real issue with this. Children know they are half mummy and half daddy, and if one parent is defamed or denigrated then that is half of the child that is being attacked.

In my mind that kind of parenting is abusive (regardless if it is being said about the mother or the father, to the children or just in their hearing) and needs to be tackled head on by the adults.

In this case whilst you do not have a right to interfere with what goes on in their house if it is emotionally abusive parenting you absolutely do have the right to ask for it to stop and take steps to protect your children from that environment if it does not.

But what if what you do about it means your DCs stop telling you about it because they don't want rows.

What if the DCs are worried that complaining means they won't get to see their DF so put up with worse?

Just raising some points that could need to be taken into consideration.

When is the OW saying these things, presumably when the Dex isn't there. Can some changes be made to that arrangement.

Def speak to a solicitor to get your rights straight first.

Yes agree with you flipp they may indeed meet horrible stupid people in their lives and as adults that's life and you deal with it.

It's not fine for a child. It's abusive.

Get that legal advice op and you know just one solicitors letter warning her/them about the crime of slander might scare her enough to shut up.

That may well be enough and just imagine how good it would feel to scare the crap out of her.

Cold dish of revenge don't you know!

Moniker totally see your point but in my experience children tell you things that are worrying them because they want you to deal with it for them.

If it wasn't worrying them or upsetting them anyway they wouldn't have told the op.

My ex husbands wife was like this.

I split up with him(no cheating involved)he was an asshole.She'd say snide things about me,she doesn't even know me.She made the mistake of saying it too and in front of my 2 DS's.They had a go at her and so did her husband my ex husband.

They hardly ever see they're Dad now,it's they're choice and I believe your children are old enough to know weather they want to go to they're Dad's or not.
I did keep trying to warn they're Dad that if he didn't show enough interest whilst they were growing up and if his wife kept being daft that they'd drift away from him.He never listened.

You are getting some incorrect advice regarding what the Family Courts will and will not take into consideration. Whilst it forms part of the Children Act and the Welfare checklist, children of sufficient maturity's views will be considered by the court but only through a welfare report generally undertaken by cafcass.

If the children say they do not want to see their father for whatever reason, often cafcass will put a different slant on what has been said so you need to beware of this. They will always, always push to maintain contact as it is seen in the best interests of the child wherever possible.

Also, whilst the child's view is supposedly taken into consideration, it is not the overriding consideration. The family court's view is that contact with the nrp is very important as is contact with the wider family as it is the right of the child.

As you will realise, I have been through the family courts over many years. My ten year old gs's views were not taken into account at the last hearing but the Judge refused the extra contact requested by his father.

I think you have been incredibly reasonable and you have put your childrens' needs first. You do not deserve to be disrespected in this way and your ex needs to man up and put the children first. It is upsetting and damaging for them to hear their mum talked about like this and her behaviour is likely to cause a breakdown in contact arrangements.

You need to think about what you and the children want. If you seek to reduce the terms of current contact, he may well threaten you with court proceedings and really this needs to be avoided at all costs. However, given their sensitivity regarding finances, it would seem unlikely he would really go through with this. You need to speak to him again and ask him to support your children by asking her to refrain from this behaviour.

To clarify mine - when I say a right to do x or y that is my opinion - I have some knowledge of the system but no legal qualifications, sorry should have made that clear.

As suggested you need legal advice, there are some good family lawyers in "Legal".

At 11 and 9, they are old enough to have the rules explained. He pays child maintenance, and you work part time. That is the agreement the two of you made when you stopped being husband and wife, but not being mum and dad. If you can, point out what a good dad he is to follow through as he does, because some dads don't. Also point out the amount paid if you worked full time wouldn't change much, as it is based on what he earns, not what you don't.

Let them know you are happy to clarify any more confusion, that you expect them to carry on being respectful to step mom, as you will yourself. Avoid arguing with her, through them, IYSWIM.

In the long run, they will understand who was truthful vs. who resented their existence. Cause even if he paid no maintenance, that money wouldn't be spent on the children when they visit either. She is missing the cash as part of their income, not regretting she can't lavish the money on them herself. Through the years, they will meet and learn the experiences of other children of divorce, and appreciate the clear truth you gave them.

I wouldnt take it to the point of denying visits just yet. Arm them with the phrase, 'I dont think you should be talking to me about money, I'm just the kid and none of this is my choice.' And advice to involve their dad if she persists in giving them grief over how he has decided to care for them.

Sorry, involving children in things like discussions about maintenance and why you get is really not a good idea.

That's not to say you shouldn't give an age appropriate explanation if they ask about it - "Dad and I have agreed he will give me some money to help look after you" (for example) along with a reassurance that they don't need to worry about it is all they need to know.

I'm not sure why the stepmother deserves to be treated with any respect either. There's no need to be rude or unpleasant back but why on earth should they be respectful? If we tell children to respect someone who is abusing them, what lesson does that teach them?

Nor should the OP be pointing out to her children that he's a good dad because he pays maintenance. That's setting the 'good parent' bar shockingly low.

Contributing to your children's wellbeing is just something that good parents do!

Dad and I have agreed he will give me some money to help look after you

And so confirming new wife's complaint that mummy is taking daddy's money.

Don't be daft, kids are usually a lot more aware about the ins and outs of divorce. OP just needs to work out what her kids can understand without making them feel as though they are a bother to her or her ex.

As the child of divorced parents and a single parent myself I'm well aware of what it's like from both sides.

At nine and eleven they don't need to be involved in discussions about maintenance at all; it was just a suggestion to use if the children ask about it. They only know about it, from reading the OP, because the stepmum has mentioned it.

I am in the opposite situation to this: I am a SM and I only ever say positive things about the kids' mum. My DH however often lets slip his sentiments about her in front of the kids and I can see how awful it is. I tell him not to do it.

It is SO SO hard to hear people laying in to those you love and trust. When I saw my DH's ex bitching about him on Facebook I was so irrationally hurt by it.

flippinada I agree that children shouldn't be involve in discussion on maintenance.
However their dad's wife brought the subject up and I think that because of that it's only fair to redress the balance by telling them that it's normal (fathers should always contribute to looking after their dcs, incl financially) and it's a legal requirement for him (so that's nothing to do with the OP working part time etc and is EXPECTED from all fathers).
It doesn't mean you want to go I to the ins and outs, how much, if it's fair or not or even if he is actually paying what he should do.
Just explainjng why fathers do give maintenance for their children and the system works.

I agree Friar - that's what I was trying to say but I think Imustn't have expressed it very well.

This kind of situation is just so difficult to deal with. My heart goes out to the OP and her DC, it really does. I hate when adults (the ex and his wife I mean) behave like this to their own kids, it's so awful.

rosepetal can I just say, you sound like a lovely stepmum.