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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to let DD change the spelling of her/our surname?

28 replies

ArseneVengerlovesVagner · 18/02/2015 09:56

Have name changed as I am fairly sure MIL is on NM and I don't want to be thoroughly outed...

DD is not finding friendships at school that easy, its a tricky class and there is a bit of teasing/insidious bullying going on which we are dealing with (the school and I are on the case).

One thing that comes up is DD's surname. Spoken as it sounds (in English) it sounds odd and DD gets teased. She wants to fit in and so has started spelling her name the English way...this opens a whole can of worms as far as DHs family is concerned, some of them get very upset if they see it written this way and are very swift to correct.

DH's view is that he had to put up with the teasing at school and so should she. I don't blame her really and quite like the name written in an English fashion.

I was also bullied at school so this possibly slants my view, my parents never really understood my desire to just fit in and be like everyone else and I'm not sure that helped my situation (they were very right of course, you shouldn't be bullied because you are different) but perhaps I need to be careful not to go to far the other way.

WWYD/AIMU?

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/02/2015 10:35

I was bullied at school, and one of the things they did was to change my surname slightly, to sound horrible. Sadly, I am pretty sure that, if I had changed the spelling of my surname so they couldn't do this, they would have carried on anyway.

If your dd changes the spelling of her surname, my worry would be that they would remember anyway, and tease her more - for the unusual spelling and for changing it.

But I absolutely understand where she, and you are coming from - my school years were hellish, due to the bullying, and it has blighted the rest of my life with depression, so I understand why you and she want to do something about it.

I would like to say that I think you are wonderful for backing her up, and for taking the matter seriously - whatever you and she decide to do, she will always remember that you backed her up and she could rely on you. Just as I will always remember my mother dismissing my tears and my account of the bullying and how bad it was making me feel - in such an effective manner that I knew, from then on, that I couldn't go back to her for more help or support when the bullying didn't stop, and I couldn't tell the teachers because a) if my own mum didn't give a damn, why would they care, and b) when the backlash I fully expected from the bullies, if I did 'tell' happened, I would be on my own to deal with that, because I couldn't expect support from mum.

Clawdy · 18/02/2015 10:35

I have two different friends who did exactly this, for the same reason and both said they never regretted it and it was the best thing to do. But their families were not happy about their decision. It's a difficult one.

BaronessBomburst · 18/02/2015 10:43

Let her change it. She's more important than the name, and it shows you're supporting her and backing her up. The name is just a tool to identify one person from another. If it's making her unhappy, use another tool.

ClumsyNinja · 18/02/2015 10:47

DH is being an arse frankly!

If there's something you can do that demonstrates to your daughter that you will always support her when she is struggling with something, just do it. She needs to know that you will always be there for her.

My parents died years ago but I still know that whatever happens, my mums love and support will always be with me.

ValancyJane · 18/02/2015 11:01

I went to school with two siblings named after a TV duo from the '70's (won't say which as it will totally out me, but they were quite unusual names, I remember Mum raising her eyebrows at it!) - the parents were foreign, and I think the older boy's name was quite common in their country of origin, but not over here. They were teased about it, to the extent that ultimately their first names were changed by deed poll when they were about 11 and 8 respectively to very traditional English names. The people who teased them still did so, using their former name, but it died off in secondary school.

I must admit, I later got to know the older boy in high school (he was a sweet guy, I remember us holding hands under a blanket on a coach actually, I just remembered) and though I knew him pretty well, I did and still do always think of him as his original first name!

I think it will certainly show DD that you support her (and if you like the name, why not?) but just wanted to show that it might not unfortunately be a magic wand solution.

FarFromAnyRoad · 18/02/2015 11:09

I absolutely agree with Clumsy. Bugger DH and his 'I suffered so we can all suffer' attitude! I'd do anything to make sure my children didn't feel miserable about something so easily changed.

SoonToBeMrsB · 18/02/2015 11:13

So, it would be something along the lines of changing Cockburn to Coburn, for example? So it would sound the same but be less open to immature kids making fun?

I say go for it, anything that makes life a bit easier! I was bullied horribly when I was younger and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

seaoflove · 18/02/2015 11:14

DH's view is that he had to put up with the teasing at school and so should she

Wow. You'd think he'd want to spare his daughter the same teasing he suffered, wouldn't you?

People get very het up about surnames, I've realised. You only need to read a thread from a woman wanting to keep her surname after marriage to see that. I'm getting your husband/in laws will be insulted to see their name not being carried on (egotistical, patriarchal crap as far as I'm concerned) and that's why changing it is seen to be Not An Option.

AmateurSeamstress · 18/02/2015 11:17

I think YWNBU to support her but YWBU to let her do it against the express wishes of your H, assuming he is also her father. People's names are important to them; it's more than him being an arse, I bet he would be genuinely hurt.

Also I wonder if it would be letting the bullies win.

SoupDragon · 18/02/2015 11:20

How old is she? Not that it makes a lot of difference to my answer TBH. Having suffered 25 years of teasing due to my name (until I changed it on marrying), I'd let her change it.

BreacaBoudica · 18/02/2015 11:21

I wonder - if your child were being bullied for having ginger hair, would you let her dye it to escape the bullying or would you ask the school to deal with the bullying and encourage your daughter's self esteem? Just a thought...

SoupDragon · 18/02/2015 11:22

YWBU to let her do it against the express wishes of your H, assuming he is also her father. People's names are important to them; it's more than him being an arse, I bet he would be genuinely hurt.

Sorry, but IMO the wellbeing of the child dealing with the situation is more important than the feelings of the father about a name.

MaudeLebowski · 18/02/2015 11:22

Agree with above posters who think that changing the name won't stop the teasing.

However, if you were to change the name, I'd do it as she was changing schools - going into secondary perhaps, how old is she?

New start, new name, no one will bat at eyelid. Sod the family. It is HER name to do with as she likes. They can all do what they like with their own names.

ThingummyJigg · 18/02/2015 11:23

I would let her change it.

I find your dh's attitude hateful tbh. Why does he want his child to suffer a pain he knows as he went through it too?

She can always change it back to the original spelling when she's older.

sticklebrickstickle · 18/02/2015 11:35

How old is your DD? I think of course let her change the spelling if that makes her feel happier and fit in. Your DH is being selfish, it's only a name and isn't what makes DD part of the family so so what if she decides to change it? Once she's old enough to change it without your permission and/or if she gets married in the future she may decide to change it anyway, she won't necessarily keep it forever as it is.

If you make her keep the name she's only going to grow to hate it more and more and blame it for the bullying. If she changes it it will perhaps become less of an issue, you might even find that when she is older she feels proud of her unusual name and her heritage and wishes to revert to the original spelling.

I used to hate my old-fashioned middle name and when I was around 8 I started telling people my middle name was something different and writing my new middle name in all my school books etc. A few years later I found out a bit more about my middle name, a family name, and the deceased relative I'd been named after and grew to love it. Now I'm proud of that name but perhaps if my parents hadn't been so easy-going about me changing it that wouldn't have been the case.

I think you are right to show your daughter your love, support and understanding and that is what will count towards her relationship with you as she grows up. She is far more likely to love and respect you and your DH for this than she is to find any kind of kinship with your DH because she was made to suffer as a child just like he did. I hope your DH will be able to come round and see that he needs to do what is best for his daughter and her well-being, not what he perceives to be best for the status of his family name. After all, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

SoupDragon · 18/02/2015 11:43

Changing my name might not have stopped the teasing but it would have made feel a whole lot more confident about introducing myself and in situations which required me to give my full name.

SoupDragon · 18/02/2015 11:44

It is not her father's name. It is hers to do with as she wishes.

MrsSquirrel · 18/02/2015 11:58

YANBU to let her change her name. It may not stop the bullying, but it may make her feel more confident and in control of her life.

If you want to do it legally, though, she needs the permission of both parents.

MidniteScribbler · 18/02/2015 12:07

I think that changing a name because you may get teased about it is along the lines of changing your hair/skin/teeth/nose because you may get teased about it. Or changing your race? Or your religion?

You need to find out if her name is the main issue behind the bullying that is going on. Many people who have had an interesting or unfortunate name have been bullies or have been bullied, it's not usually restricted to a name, although that may become the target used in the bullying incidents.

I'd want to know if it is her name that is the only thing that is causing the bullying, or is there something else going on?

ClumsyNinja · 18/02/2015 12:33

Obviously just changing the name won't immediately stop the bullying. I don't think anyone is suggesting the solution to bullying is that simple.

It's more about empowering the DD to take back some control of the situation and to know that her mum/parents are behind her.
Feeling supported can help you cope with difficult situations, both as children and as adults.

If it was my DD with red/ginger hair, she could dye it brown if it makes her feel less conspicuous and helps her cope. As we mature, we learn coping strategies and so as others have said, as an adult, they can always revert back to the unusual name/hair colour or whatever and choose to embrace it.

BathtimeFunkster · 18/02/2015 12:38

DH's view is that he had to put up with the teasing at school and so should she.

Seriously, fuck him.

He deliberately gave his daughter a name she would get teased about?

Did you know about that?

Why didn't you give her a better surname?

SoupDragon · 18/02/2015 12:46

I think that changing a name because you may get teased about it is along the lines of changing your hair/skin/teeth/nose because you may get teased about it. Or changing your race? Or your religion?

It's not a case of "may" get teased about it though, she is getting teased about it. Also it's not just about teasing in the case of a name; changing mine has made me far more confident about introducing myself. If only I had thought to do it before my confidence in social situations was completely destroyed.

Hakluyt · 18/02/2015 12:47

My children have a double barrelled name. One of the two names is a slightly rude word with one change of letter- and the problem is that people are sooo terrified of accidentally saying it wrong they are inclined to go too far the other way and draw attention to it- if you see what I mean. Changing the spelling by one vowel would make this much more unlikely. We have said to our children right from the start that they can drop the name or change the spelling whenever they want to. Having the freedom to do it seems to have meant they don't want to and neither of them have yet. But it is entirely up to them- and it should be entirely up to your dd. Her name- her choice.

TheSmallerBadger · 18/02/2015 12:58

It is only her own name that she will be changing since she isn't suggesting that either DH or any of his extended family change theirs. The bullying is a bit of a red herring as the reason isn't really relevant and the bullying may not resolved anyway. Basically it's her name to do entirely as she wishes with for whatever reason. Other folk should politely be told to butt out.

lionheart · 18/02/2015 13:00

She is the one who wears it so she should have the choice.

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