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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell my children my parents are dead

62 replies

Parotpie01 · 17/02/2015 23:21

So this is going to be long winded so please bear with ......

My mother walked out when I was 9 (took me and my two brothers to school and when we got home all her stuff had gone) we have not seen her since and she was a missing person, she got in contact with police to say she was ok and didn't want to be found.

My dad then died when I was 12.

Me and my two brothers who are 2 years and 4 years younger than me, were brought up by our auntie and uncle with their two children, so five children in one house, the youngest cousin had just been born when we moved in, we have always referred to each other as brothers and sister and never as cousins really (as growing up it was easier than explaining the full back story)

Fast forward to when I had my children, who are now 8 and 5 1/2 - right from the get go we decided that my auntie and uncle would be Nannie and grandad (leading to an assumptions they were my paren) and all 4 boys would be uncles.

Now that was all well and good at the time but I now have a very inquisitive 8 year old who is slowly becoming aware that something just doesn't add up.

One of my biological brothers is adamant I need to tell them but I just don't want to, the rest of my family agree they need to know at some point but when and how no one knows.

I just don't know how I can break this to them - I don't know how to not make them worry that I'm just going to disappear ?!

Please don't come down on me for lying to them, I had my daughter at 18 and it was a hard time as it is without trying to decide what to do with this.

I guess I just need advise on what you guys would do.

Thank you for reading

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2015 23:26

It may well be a MUCH bigger deal to you than them. My GF isn't my biological GF. When DM told me she waited far too long and made a massively big deal out of it. It wasn't really. He was still the bloke who took splinters out better than anyone else and reminded me of one of the Muppet old men. Whether he was biologically my GF really wasn't anything to me. I still think of him as Gramps.

You should tell them and the sooner the better. Just tell them.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 17/02/2015 23:28

Do you know what? What a wonderful story. You just need to tell it like you've told us. Nannie and Grandad wanted you and your brothers to go and live with them, and that meant you got two new brothers too, which means they have 4 uncles who love the bones off them.

Seriously, I don't mean to downplay the obviously difficult times your family went through, but you are a success story, all of you together. Just tell them about it.

dinoswore · 17/02/2015 23:29

I think you need to tell them. With reassurances that you are not going anywhere! I don't think they will worry about that - to them, your situation is theoretical, a story. Not real and warm and right next to them, like you.

For what it's worth, my mum died long before my DC were born and my dad has remarried. His wife is my children's Nana. They know that she is not my mum and know why my mum isn't around, and they just accept it. They do ask questions sometimes but they don't seem worried.

Oakmaiden · 17/02/2015 23:29

How very sad for you as a child, and for you now.

However, I don't think your children will be as disturbed by the whole situation as you (understandably) are. I think if I was suddenly placed in the situation you are now in (and there is no point second guessing what you should have done in the past - you did what you felt was right for you, and that is fine) then I would just keep going as I am, but if the topic ever came up in conversation I would just say "Oh yes, well Nannie and grandad are really my Aunt and Uncle, but they have been my parents since I was 12, so that is how I think of them really."

Not wanting to be flippant, but if your eldest is anything like my daughter you could use the word "orphan" and she would think it was THE most romantic thing ever... because it is a story to her, and not real life... just as your childhood will be a story to your children. Their reality is you, and their uncles and their Nannie and grandad.

Original poster

Parotpie01 · 17/02/2015 23:30

Thank you for replying

It's not so much the issue of them finding out they're not their biological GP's, it's the how do I tell them my mum walk out and disappeared and my dad died when I was young without putting the fear of God into them ?! They've not encountered death so it will be explaining all of that.

I just don't want to scare them or worry them.

OP posts:

RJnomore · 17/02/2015 23:31

I worried about something similar.

My DHs dad left when he was three and he has not been in contact since. I dreaded the day when my own kids asked where their other grandad was - and opened up the can of worms for DH.

They're 10 and 15 and it's never happened. There was a brief discussion when they were younger about dads dad and they were told he didn't live with him when he was little and they don't know each other.

I thought it would mean lots of questions but it didn't, they just shrugged, accepted that for what it was and got on with it. I think the fact families come in so many shapes and sizes now and they had friends in similar family set ups meant it was no big deal to them.

So I would say tell them, simply and in short words, they will surprise you with their ability to understand.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/02/2015 23:32

Kids are pretty intuitive. If your child is asking questions, please answer them. You don't have to do a 'sit down I have to tell you something', just answer the questions simply. A lot of time they'll be satisfied with just a bit instead of the whole story.

Kids are also pretty smart about their mums and dads. They know you love them and that you aren't going to disappear. Even if your child does ask you, all you have to do is look them right in the eye and say 'No, darling, I'm not going to disappear'.

The best way to break their trust or may them not believe you is to either lie or to avoid their questions.

MrsDowneyJunior · 17/02/2015 23:32

Personally I think the later you leave it the harder it is to tell them and the bigger shock it would be for them. I don't blame you at all for hiding the truth though. No judgement here.

Transporter · 17/02/2015 23:32

I would tell them. Be truthful about how it made you feel and let them know that you are worried that they might think you would leave them. Then reassure them . Your Auntie and Uncle are their Granny and Grandpa.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/02/2015 23:33

'make' not 'may'

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2015 23:33

My biological GF died when my DM was a child. It didn't register at all at that could happen to my actual parent.

WineWineWine · 17/02/2015 23:34

I honestly don't think it would be anywhere near as distressing for them as you fear it might be. Just tell them in the same way as you have explained here. I completely understand why you haven't told them up til now, but I do think that it is time to explain now.

Original poster

Parotpie01 · 17/02/2015 23:34

Thank you all.

I feel like I've made a bigger mess of it by doing it this way.

My parents aren't spoken of at all, we have no pictures out of them, it's a very very difficult situation for all my family.

My grandparents also lived with us (my mums mum) so 9 of us in one house and she struggles with what has happened to us as children so it's not spoken about.

So it will be just bringing up strangers who they have never heard of

OP posts:

BackforGood · 17/02/2015 23:35

I personally think it will be a big deal when they find out when they are older - and it will come out at some point, but if you just let them know while they are little, it will never be an issue. You explain that 'Nannie and Grandad' are for all intents and purposes their Nannie and Grandad as they took on the role of being your Mum and Dad, and, by default, that makes them their Nannie and Grandad.
But do tell them now, rather than have them make a discovery of the fact that has been kept secret all their lives, at a later age.

fattymcfatfat · 17/02/2015 23:35

as long as you reassure them you are going nowhere im sure it wont be a problem. my dms dm died when she was 8. we always knew and it never really affected us. it obviously affected my dm and how she was with us as she was the one worried about her dying and leaving us without a mum but we were removed from that, as a pp said to is it was just a story so never affected us.

BramwellBrown · 17/02/2015 23:39

YANBU for not telling them, but you have probably made it harder for yourself, young children ask a lot less questions if they've grown up just knowing stuff like that time (I have 2 brothers who aren't actually biologically my brothers)

Could you tell them that Nannie and Grandad aren't your real parents but that they love you and chose to act as your parents and just sort of gloss over your mum walking out, especially how she walked out, maybe just explain that your Dad died and your mum wasn't around?

However you explain it I'd leave out the part about leaving while you were at school, I can't see any need to tell them that yet and I think it would just worry them more.

Original poster

Parotpie01 · 17/02/2015 23:41

You're all probably right and they won't be the foggiest bit worried and take it as a story, but I just don't know if / how I can go through it - and how to answer questions I just don't know the answer to.

I have always just wanted to protect them from what happened because of how hard it was but my daughters a nearly the age I was when my world started to flip upside down - I just don't want to scare her

OP posts:

Bluepants · 17/02/2015 23:43

Your dc are of an age where this will be ok with them. I would tell them as then it won't be some big secret. I'd tell them quite matter of factly and simply say that your parents (who are also the parents of uncle 1 and uncle 2) died when you were a child so you moved with with uncle 3 and uncle 4 and their parents. Their parents looked after you so they are your parents as well now.

Worth mentioning that great granny was sad about it tell them to talk to you about it, not her if they want to.

Sorry to be blunt, but is your mum actually dead? (Just in case she resurfaces).

One thing I would leave out for now is the manner in which your mum left. You don't want anything like that in their heads when they're being dropped at school and thinking you'll disappear.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 17/02/2015 23:44

The best bit of advice I had was that when children encounter new situations they take their lead from the trusted adults around them.
If you answer questions simply and clearly and show them a way to deal with it then they will follow. A secret or a shame is something to hide. A story is something to talk about.
Tell them. Tell them that your mum did something you don't understand and that bad luck happened when your dad died. But family is everything because your family loved you and cared for you and continue to love all of you.
It's a lovely story which is a kind of fairy story. And you should be happy to tell it.
Disney is full of loss and redemption.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 17/02/2015 23:49

You know, one of the things we talk about to new mothers on here is how having a child makes them come to terms with their own parents' parenting styles/failures. When you have a baby it stirs all that up. Is it possible this is what's happening here OP, but just a wee bit further down the line?

Is this really about your DCs, or more about you and your mum leaving? Just tell me to stfu if I'm overstepping... It's never to late to seek a bit of help - that can be counselling, or just exploring things in here (although AIBU is maybe not the best place). But be kind to yourself. X

Original poster

Parotpie01 · 17/02/2015 23:52

Thank you all for the advice.

Sorry I should have been clearer about my mum - as far as I am aware she is not dead, however she abandoned us so as is good as and that's the way we had to explain it growing up.

She is unlikely to resurface- she got in contact with a cousin via Facebook 3 years ago and was told in no uncertain terms that she was not welcome back after saying her reason for leaving "was because she couldn't cope with three kids and a dying husband" they found out he was terminally ill and she left, please bare in mind she left my brother who had just turned 3 in nursery that day and never went back for him this is not exaggerated I have seen her messages stating her reasons. She doesn't know where we are now.

OP posts:

Anomaly · 17/02/2015 23:53

I would tell them. But I would be surprised if it really worries them I bet they'll just accept it. My Grandad wasn't my Mum's Dad. He was a lovely man who my Grandma married when she was 70 before I was born. It's only now as an adult that I realise this meant my Mum lost her Dad at a relatively young age even though I must have known he was dead at the time. It certainly didn't make me worry about my own Dad dying. Grandad was still the only person in my life who would buy me any packet of sweets in the shop and let me eat them before dinner!

I appreciate that its harder in your case because your Mum walked out too but I think you need to phrase it so they can accept it. I wouldn't focus on it because you may make it a bigger deal to them than it is. (I appreciate that for you your Mum walking out is a huge deal but for them it won't be.) I expect you will find that as a topic it will have to be revisited as the children get older. I think children are often very good at asking what they need to know and being happy with enough information for the time being.

Original poster

Parotpie01 · 17/02/2015 23:54

Lonny - you are right I have struggled in the past with my mum leaving and have had counselling in the past, I think I have just recently become aware of it more because of my daughter being close to the age I was and I just can't imagine doing that to her

OP posts:

carbolicsoaprocked · 18/02/2015 00:30

My Gran left and my Grandad died when my DM was similar ages to you, sorry this has happened to you too. It was never kept a secret in our family and I was always told my correct relation to other family members, but the idea that my own DM might leave me never crossed my mind. I think you should tell your DCs the truth, they will find out one day and it's better it comes from you, when you can assure them that you could never leave them. Best of luck x

TheAnalyst · 18/02/2015 04:14

I would tell them. By 11 most of my close relatives had died and at that point I just shrugged and thought "Whelp, that's the way the cookie crumbles". Only now do I want to find out more about my family. But I'd imagine your kids'd be fine.

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