To not tell my children my parents are dead

[Parotpie01]

So this is going to be long winded so please bear with ......

My mother walked out when I was 9 (took me and my two brothers to school and when we got home all her stuff had gone) we have not seen her since and she was a missing person, she got in contact with police to say she was ok and didn't want to be found.

My dad then died when I was 12.

Me and my two brothers who are 2 years and 4 years younger than me, were brought up by our auntie and uncle with their two children, so five children in one house, the youngest cousin had just been born when we moved in, we have always referred to each other as brothers and sister and never as cousins really (as growing up it was easier than explaining the full back story)

Fast forward to when I had my children, who are now 8 and 5 1/2 - right from the get go we decided that my auntie and uncle would be Nannie and grandad (leading to an assumptions they were my paren) and all 4 boys would be uncles.

Now that was all well and good at the time but I now have a very inquisitive 8 year old who is slowly becoming aware that something just doesn't add up.

One of my biological brothers is adamant I need to tell them but I just don't want to, the rest of my family agree they need to know at some point but when and how no one knows.

I just don't know how I can break this to them - I don't know how to not make them worry that I'm just going to disappear ?!

Please don't come down on me for lying to them, I had my daughter at 18 and it was a hard time as it is without trying to decide what to do with this.

I guess I just need advise on what you guys would do.

Thank you for reading

My friend was in a similar position her dad isn't her biological dad. her eldest started asking questions so she explained everything

He replied with an 'Oh right' and it's never been mentioned again. Made no.difference to him. His pops is still pops.

You're probably over thinking things. They're going to find out sometime if they find out you've lied that could make it more of an issue

often when we have children of our own it brings back the realities of our own childhoods and so there is sometimes a possibility of projecting those things on to thoughts of our own children iyswim.

When you think about telling your dc about your parents, do you mentally relive the feelings of what happened and therefore imagine your own children having those thoughts and feelings if the same were to happen to them? Because that kind of thought process is completely normal. If our own parents do something which affects us deeply as a child or growing up, the reality often hits home when we have our own children, and the maternal thoughts we have create a barrier between what happened and the thought of a parent doing that to a child, a thought which to you as a parent is incomprehensible.

Reality is that most families have something in their history which at the time was devastating but as the generations progress becomes just something which people have as a skelleton in the family closet but which is just mentioned in passing iyswim. The biggest one here would be what your mum did, parents dying is unfortunately not uncommon, but a mother walking out like that while not unheard of, is not that common, so that would be the family skelleton iyswim.

I bet if you looked back into your family tree there would be all sorts which you would read in an "OMG" kind of way but which at the time had a far greater impact. Mine has a maid who got pregnant by some lord/a great aunt who got pregnant out of wedlock and was then sent away to some home for unwedded mothers never to be seen again, and I'm sure there were more. My paternal grandad wasn't my biological grandad, my dad's bio dad was a bit of a bastard who pretty much was absent throughout most of their lives, just coming back to get my nan pregnant and then would piss off again for a year or so, until they were about seven then he buggered off for good. But my grandad was my grandad and we never thought any differently. equally my dad's sister gave her eldest son to my nan to bring up so he was adopted by her. He was just my uncle even though he was only five years older than me. And more recently we discovered that my dad's youngest sister wasn't actually the child of the bastard biological grandad but some friend of his, and nobody was unduely about that other than in a sort of "omg who knew," kind of way.

The more this kind of thing is dealt with as just something which happened rather than something to provoke fear the less of an issue it will be. If you keep it as something not to be talked about then the dc will more likely view it as something sinister, whereas years on it's one of those things which happened and which you have now all gained from in certain ways i.e. family who are closer than otherwise would have been etc.

IMO there's no need to have a sit down chat about it, more of a need to answer questions if asked. it didn't happen to them, and so it won't affect them in the same way.

you need to tell them before somebody else does

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It must be really hard.

I understand you don't want to frighten your children but death is a part of life. My DS isn't quite 8 and he knows I could die. I have assured him it is highly unlikely but I can't promise anything. Same with his Dad.

I would be honest with your daughter and say just what you said at nearly midnight last night - that you are the age she is when your mum left and that you simply can't imagine leaving her. That the thought never crossed your mind.

I have to admit the other thing is, no matter how caring your aunt and uncle - you must be an incredible person to have emerged from that unscathed after a fashion. Your DCs should know how great you are :)

I would tell them while they are still young, and be as matter-of-fact about it as possible.

My mum died when I was 12, and my father wasn't really bothered about me (and had actually walked out on a previous child after his first wife died) so we had no almost no contact for over 20 years, and now only very occasional, very stilted meetings. We have pictures of my mum, and I've always just been very matter-of-fact with the kids about the fact that she died a long time ago. They're younger, but they've never questioned it at all. In relation to my father, I just say he lives a long way away so we don't see much of each other.

There were all sorts of secrets about my father's family that didn't come out of the woodwork until I was mid-teens, and some of them not until I was an adult. I now have contact with a number of very lovely family members that I'd never met as a child, but a lot of heart-ache could have been avoided if I'd been told about them much earlier on.

I agree, it's right to tell them, very factually. If you have accepted it they will too. Obviously for you it is very hard to come to terms with, and not surprisingly. I don't underestimate this for you.

But your children should know what happened, it is fair to them. Like PPs have said, secrets have a tendency to come out, and it's much better that you are able to share it with them. You know what, as they get older they will understand you a bit better as well, and respect what you have been through.

Good luck

OP, I am so sad for you and your brothers. How could your mother have put her feelings before her childrens? How devastating for you

My dad walked out (much more common scenario) when I was young and I didn't hear from him again until he came sniffing for inheritance. My daughter knows and she was unfazed and accepted easily why she doesn't know her grandfather. Certainly it has not had any effect on the closeness and security she feels with DH. Agree it's a story to our kids rather than something affecting them personally. So I'm sure upset will be minimal/non existent. Much more upset / loss of trust if you withhold or conceal truths and they find out later on.

My children are adopted and so over the years we've been to lots of conferences and information mtgs about issues to do with adoption including 'telling'. One thing that always stuck with me was one speaker who said "The worst truth is better than a lie".
I think children are very accepting of things. Your children will take their lead from you. I'd take a few minutes at bedtime to tell your older child. Tell her that something sad happened to you when you were a child and you want to talk to her about it.
Good luck

Sounds like you are going through a tough time, having to think about what happened to you because your daughter is almost the age you were. What a traumatic thing to have happened, it's no wonder you want to protect your daughter from the story, or from thinking about the possibility of what happened to you. I do agree though that to her it will be more of a story. You sound like a fiercely loyal and loving mum who has taken from your experience strong beliefs about the life you want for your own daughter. Your daughter will sense this from you - what happened to you won't change her sense of love, safety and family that she gets from you.
It does sound as though talking about it to her will be very difficult for you, as part of you will have to re-live how you felt as a little girl. I wonder if this is partly stopping you from talking about it? I think you can only really tell her when you feel ready to do so. Write down the bare facts of what you would want her to know. Then put it away and tell her if and when you feel ready. Don't feel guilty about that - you can only do what you feel able to. Look after yourself

Another who wanted to reiterate that bad things that happen to your parents don't cause problems for children if they're told young, and simply.

My mum's mum died when mum was 11 and her brothers were 9 and 7. As the only girl mum ended up doing more than any child should have to while her dad was at work - cooking meals etc. She had an aunt just down the road who used to take on a lot of this burden between looking after her own smaller children. It must have been so tough, much tougher than I can imagine.

I was told when I was 6 or 7 - I asked why I only had a grandad - and it never fazed me or led me to think my mum might die. It was just what happened to my mum many years ago. I grew up just knowing that was mum's story and felt no impact on my life.

It was only as I grew up that I realised how hard it would have been for mum and why we always paid long visits to one particular aunt when we went back to mum's home each year (different country).

So your DCs will likely just take it as a story about you rather than think it will happen to them. And as they grow older they will come to understand more about it, and how amazing their mum and nan and grandad are

You do need to tell them. From my experience of telling children of things that have the potential to scare or worry them, they are unlikely to have loads of questions that you can't answer, and the ones they do have won't be ones you expect. They can be very matter of fact about things and hearing a story like that won't automatically relate it to something that is a possibility for them. Same as when they hear about poor children in other countries that don't have enough to eat or who don't get to go to school, it is very far removed from their own reality.

When you tell them, focus on how lucky you were that their now Nanny and Grandad loved you and your siblings so much that you could go and live with them, and make that the focus of the conversation so that you end the story on a positive.

Please tell them. I found out yesterday at the age of 42 that my father had not died in the way I had always been led to believe. I don't know how my mother managed to keep it from me for so long and why she did. The fact she has hidden it is worse than the fact itself and has the potential to really change our relationship.

Another vote for telling them now. One of DD's friends has just discovered something about his family (he is 14) and he is finding it difficult to to deal with. He says that he wishes his parents had told him when he was younger.

Also, if your children find out from someone else they will feel that you have lied to them.

It's tricky but another vote from here that you should tell them.

My Mum commited suicide when I was 10, and my older DDs (7 and 5) know that she died when I was a child as I have been open about it and we go to see her on Mother's Day etc with flowers. I'm dreading them asking how she died though as I have left that detail out. I've already decided to be as honest as possible when they do ask, while being age appropriate as I hate the idea of there being any secrets in our family. Just reassure them that you won't be going anywhere.

You need to tell them. My father was adopted (born to an unmarried teenager in 1950s glasgow) and I was brought up with his adopted parents being called granny and grandad. Whilst I strongly believe it is the relationship I have with them that allows them to be called that, I am glad that I know as well that they are not my biological family and that I have other relations. I think I realised when I was five. Hasn't changed my relationship with them at all, but it's good to know myself and my heritage properly if that makes sense.

However bad it may be to tell them now, it will be many times worse in the future. Tbh I think you've built it up into such a big deal in your head -understandably so as it was an incredibly traumatic time for you - that it won't be anything like as bad telling them, as you think it will be.

If you sit them down and make a big deal of it, it will affect them more than if you mention it in normal conversation and make it as light hearted as you can. Don't dwell on it with them. Of course answer any questions they have but move the conversation on, as if it is just a minor matter rather than the the important thing it is to you.

Grit your teeth. Start a conversation unrelated to it, then steer it round so the subject "naturally" comes up, tell them and move on. Some of the suggestions from pp above are great, as to what to say.

Sorry OP, I went off to bed. Thanks for answering my question though. Is it possible to separate your feelings about what happened to you, and just tell your DCs simply, using the tips on here - because I very much agree you should tell them.

But in terms of your feelings, it's perfectly natural that you'd be reliving this now, given your DDs age. Can you pick up your counselling again or get a wee bit more RL support? It must be incredibly difficult for you .

My DM had a similar background - abandoned by one parent, brought up by GPs. I knew all about it as a child, including that my GF was not my biological GF (my GM had remarried). I took it totally for granted, didn't really give it a second thought and it never occurred to me that the same might happen to me.

I think that, the earlier your DC know about your background, the more likely they are to accept it as just part of normal life.

Definitely tell them. My mum died when I was a child and my ds recently started asking questions (aged 3) he had twigged my stepmum was not my mum. I was dreading telling him as I don't deal with it very well and also I didn't want him to think I might die. I took the bull by the horns and answered a question next time it was asked and it was so much easier than I had built it all up to be. The longer you leave it though the harder and more of a big deal it will be.

Another one for telling them; maybe you could find a story about an orphan and lead into it that way, emphasising how happy you were in your new family.
My Dh found out quite recently that the man he grew up with and believed was his father was actually the father of his two younger brothers, but not him This caused him much confusion and he still wonders why he was never told. (Mother and adoptive father both dead).
I don't think your daughter will brood overmuch on it; children accept all sorts of things.
This does not in any way trivialise your worry, and I wonder if you could get some advice on what to actually say happened to your mother; if she is still alive you cannot predict future events.

You say you don't know how to 'break it to them'? Well, I don't think the news is something that needs to be 'broken'. Just tell them in a non-emotional matter-of-fact way. Children are very good at accepting the 'facts'. There's no need for drama or anything like it. Just calmly and truthfully.

I promise you it will not affect that as it clearly has, rightly, affected you.

Good luck.

Eek, I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. I'm not convinced that telling them is essential right now.

If they are curious and have questions, try to answer them fairly honestly, but in the way that we tell kids stuff that they're a bit young to know wholly about IYSWIM? For example, when ds was small Madeleine went missing. I didn't tell him the whole story, but told him truthful elements so that he knows he wasn't lied to, but wasn't fearful of the truth either.

So perhaps in your case, tell them that their GPs are wonderful people and are a natural part of the family, but that some families are more complicated than others and that they helped to bring you up, because your parents weren't able to. If tht leads on to more questions, you will have to newer them, but if they're happy with that answer, that's great for now. As they get older (5 is very young) they can learn more.

Part of the reason I suggest this is how it's all making you feel.

I know I'm in the minority, I don't think those saying you should tell them are wrong, but I wonder if there are degrees of the truth that can be uncovered as their emotional maturity develops.

Whatever you choose, good luck

I have seen what happens when children find out when they are much older - especially when its not a family secret and most people assumed they knew. They were devastated - because they had been lied to. For me, that's worse - they can have the bones of the story now and more when they're older and can understand.

Hope that helps.

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply, I appreciate your input.

I am going to speak to my aunt and uncle tonight and my brothers and get their input and advice so I can have a plan for telling them and so that they are aware that they could all get questions and I need them to be on the same page as me.

I do think this is something that I need to have control in telling them - my family are aware that I don't want them to know so will support me in bringing it up.

As for them finding out by someone else - this is unlikely as my dads side of the family have not been in contact or part of my life since before my daughter was born. We are a very small family with just my mums side have any part in our lives.

I feel that maybe getting some pictures of a happier time when I was young might show that we were ok, they have never seen pictures of me as a child.

In regards to my mum- I think I may go along the lines of she lives faraway and we don't see her? That's better than the actual truth or indeed saying she is dead too, when she isn't.