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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not yet told Dad that Mum is dying

42 replies

LadyRainicorn · 17/02/2015 18:38

They are divorced and he now lives out of the country with the ow he has married, to give a bit od background. Mum doesn't want to speak to him over the phone but doesn't mind if I tell him. But I haven't. He's very bad at contact. Divorce was about 5 or 6 yrs ago.

OP posts:

Tisnemo · 17/02/2015 18:41

I have no advice but just wanted to say how sorry I am about your mum. Sending all best wishes.

Bigoldsupermoon · 17/02/2015 19:17

Another one not wanting to read and run, OP. Really sorry to hear about your mum - you must be in a difficult position, so I'd suggest doing what feels right (or 'least wrong') for you.

PotatoLetters · 17/02/2015 19:22

I'm sorry about your mum.

I think if my ex was ill then I'd want to know about it.

2rebecca · 17/02/2015 19:57

It depends on why you've not told him.
I'm divorced and if my son didn't tell me his father was dying I'd be sad more because I'd feel my kids were excluding me but maybe you want to make your father feel excluded as it sounds as though you feel he needs "punishing" for leaving the country and being happy and not keeping in touch much.
Suspect if I was dying I'd tell my ex as I'd want him to be supporting the children. I'd hope he'd tell me but being a bloke suspect he wouldn't.

JudgeRinderSays · 17/02/2015 20:04

I think you should

Iflyaway · 17/02/2015 20:07

Why did he move out of the country? Anyway, that is neither here nor there.

He needs to know. He is your dad and she is your mum.

What he does with that info is up to him.

Don't get hung up on their reasons for divorce and him moving with a new woman.

This is about YOU and YOUR parents! imagine if you didn't have that closure for yourself

Wishing you all the best!

wheresthelight · 17/02/2015 20:09

I am so sorry about your mum!!

What is the reason you haven't already told him?

kitchentableagain · 17/02/2015 20:17

That's really rough news, I'm sorry

I think you should do what you feel you want to do. You don't "owe" him the information, so it's up to you if you give him it or not.

If you need/want support from him (and wanting that is very legitimate) then I'd contact him to specifically tell him what is going on.

If you don't want his support then it's okay to just tell him the next time he is in touch.

I don't know what sort of timescale you're working with, I would probably notify him if she died before he next got in touch, but if she herself doesn't want contact with him just now and you don't want his support then you don't need to tell him she's ill unless you want to.

kittycatz · 17/02/2015 20:20

So sorry to hear about your Mum. I think you should tell him and as soon as possible. She has said she doesn't mind if you tell him. What he then decides to do is up to him. He might have things he still wants to say to her or he might not but he needs to know.

ChipDip · 17/02/2015 20:27

Sorry about your mum. If your mum is ok with him knowing then maybe you should tell him.

Original poster

LadyRainicorn · 17/02/2015 20:48

He left to live in my stepmothers (?) (Sounds so weird when I was grown up when it all kicked off, but she seems a nice,pleasant lady) country.

There was a lot of toing and froing at the time, staying at my house, cadging lifts to the airport and unpleasant self justifying 'heart to heart' type talks that I didn't want to listen to, so while he is very bad at keeping in contact I am not pushing it as hard as I might have done in other circumstances.

I don't know why I haven't done it yet. I think he should know. I'm not looking forward to telling him. I've already done a lot of things that I haven't enjoyed though.

I tried to get him to speak to my kids at Christmas and he ducked out of it.

Thank you for your sympathy.

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 17/02/2015 21:00

Sounds like he has put you in some very awkward situations. if you can't face speaking to him direct could you record a video or send him an email?

kitchentableagain · 17/02/2015 21:04

If you think he should know but (understandably) don't much look forward to having to tell him...can someone else do it? Do you have a sibling, partner or friend who knows him a bit who could do it? Or even someone who doesn't know him who will do it?

Don't put yourself through more than you have to op, you've got plenty to deal with already.

Original poster

LadyRainicorn · 17/02/2015 21:05

Oh I'd have to email. I think. I hadn't considered using the house phone and my mobile won't connect to his but will text... weird... he also works weird hours so I normally message first (several times) to get him to call.

I just can't bring myself to do it yet even though I think I'd tell someone else to do it.

OP posts:

meandjulio · 17/02/2015 21:10

It sounds as if you feel he should have the information but can't face the thought of more emotional conversations that you don't want to have.

If I were you, I would just email him to say 'this is to let you know that Mum is very ill and they currently think she won't survive for longer than X. We will be spending a lot of time at her house/Hospital Y for the foreseeable future. It's obviously a difficult time and I am not up to lengthy conversations but wanted to let you know'.

Because that sounds like the truth?

LokiBear · 17/02/2015 21:11

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. He doesn't really have any 'right' to this information, I understand your reluctance to tell him. Are you worried he might try and re justify his actions 6 years ago in light of your mums prognosis? Or are you just scared to tell him because of how final it feels? Either way, YANBU. I hope you tell him, because I think he'd want to know. But, more than that, I hope you have plenty of support in rl.

ImperialBlether · 17/02/2015 21:20

I'm so sorry about your mum. It must be really hard for you and her. Do you have other siblings or close friends to help you?

As the others have said, what is it you're worried about? Do you think that he will fail in yet another attempt to show himself to be a decent father? It sounds like you've had a hard time and little things like you having to contact him several times before he responds are heartbreaking.

Is your mum hoping for something if he is told - like an apology or a visit? I think she'd be disappointed and that might be worse than him not being told.

You don't owe it to him to tell him. He doesn't sound as though he'd be much emotional support. I really hope you have someone else who can help you through this.

Original poster

LadyRainicorn · 17/02/2015 21:28

Mum lives with us - it used to be a sort of reciprocal arrangement for some childcare (just for my eldest) while she looked for better work. I guess it's working out in a reciprocal way now in that time I am not in the office I can help with her care. She's 51 (I'm 32). I have no siblings. My Dh is being fab but I'm not sure he'd tell dad for me cos he thinks very little of him.

OP posts:

Original poster

LadyRainicorn · 17/02/2015 21:30

I don't think Mum is hoping for anything from him. He still makes her very angry indeed.

OP posts:

championnibbler · 17/02/2015 21:33

I wouldn't blame you if you didn't tell him at all.
clearly, he has opted out of your lives and here now is the consequence of his actions.

ImperialBlether · 17/02/2015 21:34

The thing is that you are not going to get the reaction you want from your dad, are you? It's very, very likely that he'll make you feel worse. Your husband will get angry at him and your mum, if she hears about it, will feel awful too.

Your poor mum. She's so young. I'm so glad you are able to take care of her - that must mean an awful lot to both of you.

Mintyy · 17/02/2015 21:35

Well you must ask your Mum if she wants him to know. It's entirely up to her, surely?

sophiepotato · 17/02/2015 21:35

I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through. It is so difficult. My parents were (very bitterly) divorced when my dad died a few years ago. I didn't have a choice about telling my mum for various reasons but I did find it made things more stressful. She very understandably wanted to support me as much as possible but I found that very tough to deal with. The divorce had been so bitter and contentious that I preferred to keep them entirely separate in my head and for obvious reasons at that time I really just wanted to focus on Dad.

I think it's totally reasonable to have someone else tell him or not tell him. He may or may not have things he wants to say to her but your mum's & your feelings should have priority here. It may sound very harsh but he is no longer her husband and he has to a large extent forfeit the right to know about or be involved in her life. If it seemed like he would be a useful support to you that would be different but it doesn't.

sophiepotato · 17/02/2015 21:47

Cross-post - if you want him to know but not to have to tell him yourself then I think you should ask your husband to tell him for your sake (rather than your dad's).

Musicaltheatremum · 17/02/2015 22:40

So sorry about your mum. She's my age, so young. My eldest is only 21. I would hate to think of her dealing with this. You need to do what is right for you

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