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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not yet told Dad that Mum is dying

42 replies

LadyRainicorn · 17/02/2015 18:38

They are divorced and he now lives out of the country with the ow he has married, to give a bit od background. Mum doesn't want to speak to him over the phone but doesn't mind if I tell him. But I haven't. He's very bad at contact. Divorce was about 5 or 6 yrs ago.

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Original poster

LadyRainicorn · 17/02/2015 22:45

I can't not tell him though. It'd come out at some point and then he'd be angry with me for having kept it from him. Should I not give him a chance to speak to mum while he still can if he wants to? I can't see it happening but I can see him pretending that he would've done if I don't tell him.

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WheresMrMonkey · 17/02/2015 22:47

ladygracie · 17/02/2015 22:53

I am so so sorry LadyR - what a shitty situation to be in.
Would your dh help you write an email (or write it for you to check) which you could have ready in your draft folder to send when you feel ready? Then it could be done in small stages.
It is not about him - it is about you and your mum. If you think (& from what you say it sounds likely) that he will cause problems later then for your own sake, it is better to tell him.

BeaLola · 18/02/2015 00:29

I am really sorry about yr Mum .

As yr Mum has said she doesn't mind him knowing then I would email him to let him know that she is very poorly and prognosis. Then you will have told him and he has the information. He then has the choice of what to do.

I'm glad yr Mum has you and you family around her.

Original poster

LadyRainicorn · 18/02/2015 08:19

Thanks for all the advice

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Icimoi · 18/02/2015 08:30

I think a lot depends on your mother. Her saying she doesn't mind sounds a bit as if she wants him to know, but obviously you know her best.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/02/2015 08:38

What a shitty situation. I'm so sorry about your mum and she is so young too.

It sounds like your dad treated her quite badly indeed (sort of reading between the lines there - sorry if I'm wrong).

Send him a simple email, just a couple of sentences, bare facts. Don't expect anything of a response. Then it will be off your mind and you can concentrate on your DMum.

Look after yourself too. Being a carer is draining - not just physically - and you've got the double whammy of kids on one side and a parent on the other.

plainjanine · 18/02/2015 10:31

Sorry, but you said upthread that your mobile won't connect to his? I'm guessing it goes to voicemail straight away? Phones don't just randomly not connect. He's probably set your number to go straight to voicemail. If you want to phone, try it from a phone he hasn't had calls from before?

Otherwise, I'd email him and just give him the bare facts. Sounds like he's opting out of your lives as much as he can without going NC. If you don't tell him, you may one day possibly regret it. If you tell him, it's up to him what he does about it.

Sorry about you Mum, too.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/02/2015 10:45

It sounds to me as if what's putting you off telling him is that you expect him to whine on about it, self-justify, and make it all about him. When what you would want is for your father to be supportive of you, since you are now waiting to lose your mother .

Perhaps, could you compose an e-mail that essentially, although more diplomatically obviously, asks him not to be a fucking woe-is-me arse and to step up to the plate of being a father to you? And maybe send it from your husband. I know you say he doesn't think very much of your father, but since the message would be telling him to behave, that might sugar the pill a bit for DH.

Original poster

LadyRainicorn · 18/02/2015 10:53

He's in another country - my mobile won't connect I get a message saying I'm not allowed on my plan or words to that effect.It's quite frustrating if I miss his call!

He says he misses us. I think he's lazy more than wants NC. He's possibly also embarrassed maybe.

I will email. Or facebook message - not sure now if I have an email address. Get it over with. One more job. Blargh.

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Original poster

LadyRainicorn · 18/02/2015 17:40

Urgh. I've had to send a facebook message because I don't have a current email address. How crass for this type of news.

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WhereYouLeftIt · 18/02/2015 17:59

No LadyRainicorn, how crass of him to not provide you with a current email address ...

Original poster

LadyRainicorn · 18/02/2015 19:32

I could've put on my big girl pants and called him on the landline!

Facebook says he's been online since I sent the message.

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HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/02/2015 19:36

No, you did the right thing - the most straightforward and easy for you. He has not exactly showered himself in glory over his treatment of you and your family and your DMum.

What goes around comes around.

amidaiwish · 18/02/2015 19:51

You had to tell him. Otherwise he'd have the upper hand / excuses for not knowing.
Facebook messages tell you when they have been seen. Take a screenshot so he can't pretend not to have seen it which is the easy way out.

2rebecca · 18/02/2015 23:30

I don't see facebook messages as being any different to email, it's not like you put it on his wall publicly.
I don't understand why you'd use a mobile over a landline though, presume you just didn't want to talk to him which is fair enough. It's not really your news it's your mums news so there was no reason to put anything complex in there. If he wants more details he can contact your mum. You shouldn't have to be their go-between. I think your mum chickened out a bit here. I'm a similar age to your mum and would expect to tell my ex if I had a serious medical problem not pass the info through my kids.
What goes around doesn't come around at all or do you think the OP's mum's illness is something "coming around".
Shit happens, it has nothing to do with how angelically you have behaved often.

Original poster

LadyRainicorn · 19/02/2015 10:36

I've simply gotten into the habit of using my mobile for everything - work, home etc.

Mum doesn't want anything to do with him unless he comes over to speak in person. I don't want to be in a position where the next time I talk to him I get asked 'How are things?' 'Actually, a bit sad because it's mum's funeral Tuesday (or whatever)' and him to kick off because it's the first he's heard of it.

It would be nice if my dad knew about the important things going on in my life (good and bad) and I think the fact that my mum is dying is very much my news. He may be a flake and lazy and I am still angry that he decided to live a lie and make my mum live a lie for so long because he wanted to be a father but he's not bad. Just weak in some ways. My dds (especially my eldest)want a relationship and I can't see the point in delibrately rubbing his nose in this mess by excluding him now. It's just painful for me to do right this minute but lots of things I'm doing are. Hopefully I can grit my teeth, maintain a pleasant superficial relationship and everyone can at least get some time in his adopted country!shallow but fuck it,his new familyseem nice enough!

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