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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel rage about my DS being replaced as BFF?

29 replies

UnacceptableWidge · 16/02/2015 19:38

I know I am!
Think I need to be handed a grip tbh! Blush

This is all probably going to sound very childish but I've just found out about yet another activity DS has been excluded from and it has really pissed me off

During pregnancy & mat leave a friend I knew, but wasn't especially close to, and I bonded. When our DSs were born we spent a lot of time together.

When our boys joined nursery DSs little friend suffered huge separation anxiety and my DS became his security blanket.
Over the next couple of years his domination of DS bothered us a little (he was very controlling and unwilling to 'share' his friend) I spoke to my friend about it who thought it quite funny and 'sweet' so I asked the teacher to keep an eye on it.
School were great about it and encouraged both boys to have other friendships.

3 years down the line and my friend and I have drifted slightly. Not fallen out, simply both returned to work and rarely have time to catch up.

The boys are still friends but it feels like his mum is being weird about the friendship. If her DS invites our DS to play there is often the promise of something else in addition (staying for dinner, sleepover) then in the next breath a reason why he can't. It's very weird but I try to convince DS that it was an unintentional mistake.

DS has another friend at school (who the other boy knows and likes) and the two of them are part of a club at the weekend. The other boy appeared to be quite jealous of this friendship and repeatedly told DS 'he is my BF not yours'
Now the mum has started having this boy round for sleepovers (sleepovers that were offered to our DS but never happened) and taking him on activities that we were previously invited along to.
The mum is also very cagey if I ask about plans, I ask as part of general chit chat on the school run.

DS isn't too upset at being sidelined. He has other friends and we do plenty as a family but it is really bothering me.

I'd speak to friend about it but realise I'm probably being pathetic.

So come on, start handing out the grips and tell me how I need to get over it!!

OP posts:
PoppySausage · 16/02/2015 19:41

How old are they? Is it bothering your ds or you?

ApocalypseThen · 16/02/2015 19:45

You know that this is going to happen nineteen million times over the next decade, right? Have you the energy to get this worked up every time and - AND - deal with the other mum every time your son is on the less golden side?

SuperWifeANDMum · 16/02/2015 19:47

To be honest I would be annoyed. Encourage your son to forge other friendships away from the two other boys.

Do you invite the other little boy (not your friends son) on play dates?

tumbletumble · 16/02/2015 19:49

Are you sure you really want your DS to be friends with this boy? You sound quite lukewarm about both his mum and the boy.

CliveCussler · 16/02/2015 19:52

DS isn't too upset at being sidelined. He has other friends

^^ This

Your ds isn't bothered and neither should you be. Kids friendship's wax and wane over the years. Don't take it personally. Smile

APlaiceInTheSun · 16/02/2015 19:55

Sorry OP but I think you are over thinking this, and possibly that you are thinking more about your loss of friendship rather than your DS's.

Your DS isn't upset about the situation, and is he really being "sidelined"? It just sounds like the friendship dynamic has shifted slightly. He has other friends. Nothing to get "rage" about at all.

WorraLiberty · 16/02/2015 19:55

If her DS invites our DS to play there is often the promise of something else in addition (staying for dinner, sleepover) then in the next breath a reason why he can't. It's very weird but I try to convince DS that it was an unintentional mistake.

Are you sure your DS isn't asking for an invite and putting his friend in an awkward position?

This would make sense if the other child was invited and your DS asked if he could come too.

Maybe the child said yes, but his Mum said one child only?

oneowlgirl · 16/02/2015 19:55

I'd be annoyed too but best to let it go as it doesn't sound worth it - just encourage him to make other friends.

LadyLuck10 · 16/02/2015 19:58

You are way too involved in this. If your DS isn't too bothered why are you making an issue of it.

Original poster
UnacceptableWidge · 16/02/2015 19:59

I am lukewarm tumble because things are just getting pretty weird.

Poppy the children are 7, and yes DS gets a bit upset but I manage to smooth it over/dismiss/distract.

My DS is ok, sulks a bit when left out as other boy makes a point of telling him 'we did this''we are doing that, you can't come' he seems to have this new found confidence and has begun to dangle the friendship.
I know I'm allowing myself to get sucked into drama, am trying to be mature about it. To ensure that DS is confident, happy and secure, enjoying his other friendships but god help me it's driving me potty!

OP posts:
APlaiceInTheSun · 16/02/2015 20:04

Well the other boy doesn't sound great - sounds like your DS is well out of it really, I'd carry on with the dismissing and sidelining.

Just organise a load of other things for your DS, that way he can honestly say that he's too busy when Other Boy says "you can't come.

Original poster
UnacceptableWidge · 16/02/2015 20:08

worra no definitely no misunderstanding. I've been there when it happens. Goes something like this
Friend 'maybe we can arrange a sleepover this weekend?'
Children 'yes, yes, when' cue lots of giddiness and excitement
Me 'when were you thinking'
Friend ' oh no actually we have plans but will do it another time I promise'

Has happened on more than one occasion and is just odd. Why make the offer? It's all very annoying and confusing. I want to distance from them really but they've been a big part of our lives for whole of DS's life, we live close by and see each other daily for school run.
I just feel like I'm being sucked into something odd that I'd rather not be and it's getting very tiring having to smooth over the upset when offers are made and instantly withdrawn.

I feel like a fool, didn't have this much drama when I was at school myself!!

OP posts:
CliveCussler · 16/02/2015 20:11

dd had a friend like this, though thankfully I wasn't close to the mum, just on chatting terms.

She even gave dd a party invitation once, and then asked for it back because she had changed her mind Hmm.

It was very stressful for dd to deal with, but she did and now has some lovely friends that don't play such mind games.

The friend still hasn't stopped these kinds of behaviours at all, only last week she was texting dd all night from a party that she was at, but dd hadn't been invited to. As if to rub it in iykwim. DD just turned her phone off. She realizes now that the girl is probably very insecure and is possibly like this with everybody.

It's part of our job to teach our kids how to deal with this stuff. We all go through it at some point I think.

SavoyCabbage · 16/02/2015 20:13

In this situation I would be pleased if the sleepovers weren't materialising as the friendship does not sound that healthy or good for your son. It sounds like he is better off out of it.

The other boy can be friends with who he likes of course. If your boy wants to be his friend, ask him over. If your ds wants to be friends with someone else, ask them over. Don't think about what your friends son is doing or who he is friends with. That's not really part of the equation.

SavoyCabbage · 16/02/2015 20:16

I wrote my reply before reading your update. I would explain to my ds that the other motherCan be a bit unreliable sometimes. I've a friend who is similar and I don't tell my dc we are seeing her till we are actually there as she always cancels.

Cobain · 16/02/2015 20:20

My Dd had a friend with a similar mother, DD and her friend met in pre school and where close but during the first few year at school any time my DD made a new friend the old friend would swoon in with play dates, cinema, theme parks. I let them get on with it and encouraged DD to chat to friends and make new ones the bribery only works for so long.

Original poster
UnacceptableWidge · 16/02/2015 20:49

Thanks for your help everyone. I have 5 DC and have never had to deal with anything like this before. It's good to know others have experienced similar.
It almost makes me want to move house!

OP posts:
JockTamsonsBairns · 16/02/2015 20:52

I've had a similar situation in the past, and agree with Savoy - at 7, your Ds is probably getting to an age where it's ok to start having a bit of a chat with him about what's really going on here, and encourage him to develop his own friendships. Try to let go of the rage if you can - this probably won't be the last time he encounters such a situation.

Original poster
UnacceptableWidge · 16/02/2015 20:56

Thanks jock but how exactly would I go about that?
I mean what do I say that wont be relayed back in the words of a 7 year old and upset Friend or her DS?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 16/02/2015 21:49

Could you not make a joke of it, either with your son or your friend, next time she offers a sleep-over?

Chertsey · 16/02/2015 21:58

I found these things really hard when my DSs were younger, but I was remembering the way I felt when it happened to me, rather than realising how my boys felt about it.

I know you're not allowed to say it, but boys' and girls' friendships are different. My boys have never had any of the friendship dramas I went through, or that my friends who have daughters have to deal with. The boys fall out/grow apart and move on or they get over it and everything's forgotten quickly.

As your DS isn't bothered by it, not reason at all for you to be, although that's easier said than done

Original poster
UnacceptableWidge · 16/02/2015 23:20

Chertsey I didn't say he wasn't bothered by it, I said he wasn't 'too' bothered by it. That is largely down to the fact that I brush it off, play it down etc.
His poor little face lights up when offers are made and I can see the upset when offer is withdrawn. As soon as we are out of earshot he'll ask, for example, what did she mean? Was it come to a sleepover so when is it?
He doesn't understand why he's been promised this elusive sleepover quite frequently for a couple of years but it's never happened and yet their mutual friend from his gymnastic class stayed over all weekend recently.

Other than telling him my friend is being rather rude and thoughtless I don't know how to explain it to him.
I admit to being quite cowardly by not saying anything to her either. I just don't know how to bring it up or what to say if I do

OP posts:
oneowlgirl · 17/02/2015 04:17

I'd be honest with him & tell him she is rude & thoughtless & unfortunately that's just the way some people are.

Do you host sleepovers? Either for this friend or the one from gymnastics? It's hard to complain that someone else isn't doing something if you're not doing it either.

Definitely encourage him to make other friends & again, I'd be honest with him & say it's because he's unreliable. I wouldn't worry at all about things being repeated as presumably you would stand by everything you've said, given it's the truth.

Original poster
UnacceptableWidge · 17/02/2015 09:28

No I wouldn't tell DS that she is rude. Despite the way it all sounds she has been a goo friend in the past and I really wouldn't want to cause her any upset.
I think maybe I should grow a pair and actually speak to her about it. It may well be that she doesn't realise what she is doing (hard to believe but is possible I guess)
Yes we have hosted friends round for dinner or sleepovers. Have invited friend's DS for a sleepover but always seemed to clash with other plans they had

OP posts:
MomOfTwoGirls2 · 17/02/2015 09:29

I'd just encourage other friendships, and have other friends over to play or do stuff with your DS. I wouldn't totally cut out the other child, but perhaps limit his visits as 'return' visits for when he invites your DS over.

And I agree with posters above who advise telling your DS that other mom is unreliable and doesn't always keep her promises.

It is natural to feel as you do, I know I'd feel the same. The main thing is that your DS is not overly upset about it.