Mil & cleaning

[Pyjamaramadrama]

Mil is very traditional and likes to take on the role of cooking cleaning etc.

It rubbed of on dp who used to be a lazy so and so but is getting much better.

He's selling his house as we're moving in together, we're emptying the house and sorting through stuff and mil turns up to 'help ME clean for him'.

I wanted to sort through stuff and go to skip/charity shop, was no point cleaning as not moving out for 3 weeks so imo it will need going over again due to moving furniture touching up bits of paint/sanding down etc. she took it upon herself to hoover rooms I'd already done.

I wanted to do the skip runs but ended up feeling obliged to wipe doorframes while dp got on with the man jobs.

My nose was pushed out of joint and now there is talk of her coming to help me clean when my baby comes.

Dp and I have lower standards than her but are not complete slatterns. I want dp to step up and this does not help him to do so. It just gets on my nerves but I'm supposed to be grateful for the help.

My ex Mil got very involved in our house move when we got our first home together, she turned up to clean/sort when I didn't really want her around as I felt it was mine and my partners time. I should have made clear then the boundaries as it caused problems for years, she treated our house like her second home. You need to set boundaries now for your Mil and DP.

Now ex partner is nearly fifty and lives with his Mum....

Pyjama, we just became stronger and saying no (nicely)! Of course dp's mother was unhappy at times as she assumed it was her entitlement to 'help' as she pleased but it got easier after we put some boundaries in place. I found going to visit easier as obviously it removed the whole cleaning issue and also made dp's mother feel more involved as she would make us something to eat and look after baby while we had a chance to eat together. I don't agree that you should just go along with something you don't want to because it's viewed as an act of kindness - making someone feel uncomfortable in their home is not really helpful regardless of the good intentions behind it. Good luck

I would have carried on and gone to the skip and left them both to it.

Mayluke I guess it's just everyone's boundaries are different.

Some people would quite like someone else cleaning their home, I find it intrusive. My standards are almost definitely lower than hers so I would feel judged. To me it's less helpful and more stressful.

I kind of did in the end scrumbled but now wondering if she's thinking I'm a lazy slattern who should have been polishing the door knobs.

so your problem really isn't MIL, as you don't know how she'll react to you making yourself clear (could be fine), but your lack of being able to speak up for yourself.

Perhaps you are predicting a horrible response/row, when actually there won't be one. DPs mum is a bit like this, she does literally everything and waited on her husband and sons hand and foot, even though she worked full-time. It's sort of how she sees things are supposed to work. She's never had an issue with it not being how I see things working. (Although I don't know what she says behind my back, I have heard her criticising other female relatives for not doing what she thinks they should do. If she criticises me behind my back, I don't give a shit.)

So don't go building it up into a big deal for now.

When she came to help with the move, there was no reason for you to dragged into doing what she wanted. Not your house, not your mother, not your problem. I would have said 'oh that's so nice of you to come and help. DP - your Mum's here to help you. She wants to do some cleaning. I'm going to carry on sorting out X' and left them to it.

With 'helping' you in your home (are you pregnant? Are you jumping the gun a bit worrying about this?) just thank her for offering to help and tell her exactly what would be helpful. 'Oh you want to clean the kitchen? Thanks so much for offering to help but what really would be helpful for us (not me) would be if you could do X instead. That's great, thanks'. Or again point her at DP (prime him first that cleaning is not on the helping rota).

I wouldn't care less if MIL wanted to get busy cleaning. Let her, its easier for you. Unless you're worried about her judging you because she's doing it, of course. We're all different, I know..but I really think this isn't a battle to wage..and there'll be times you'll be glad of the help. At least she isn't a lazy, disinterested, hands-off MIL. You also appear to have a list of what you think she "should" do. Why? If she is happy to clean then that will free up time for lots that you want to do. & it doesn't sound as if you or your DP are that enthusiastic about cleaning, anyway. Why can't you just count your blessings and be grateful...?

True newname. I'm guilty of not speaking up and then quietly seething.

She did turn up and actually say she had come to help me clean for dp, so there was no mistaking her intentions. Dp was actually on his way out to move some large furniture with no point me going as no room for me and ds and couldn't really lift wardrobes etc as pregnant.

I did try to say that we wanted to empty house first before cleaning really, and I offered her a drink but she said she needed to get on. Then started hoovering rooms I'd already done. It just felt too awkward not to help. I did carry on and do some DIY bits and got told off for doing that when pregnant.

The bit about her cleaning my house after the baby seems to have been decided by mil and fil I have said there'll be no need but they're still on about it.

Mistressdee I certainly do not have a list of what she should do. I mentioned things that I personally would find helpful but by no means expect it. I don't expect anything. My own mother does not come round and clean for me I do not want or need it.

I don't find it helpful and I don't think I ever will.

Listen, we can all cope without the help, but just take it anyway.

I'm sure there will be times when you want a babysitter too, so don't burn your bridges!

You never know what may come your way - c-section, stitches etc, so just smile and accept the help.

If she starts cleaning out your knicker drawer then just say enough is enough!

It's not help if it gets on my tits though is it?

I've managed perfectly well for 7 years with only my mum as a babysitter and the odd dinner at my mums.

It's not that I want to take it all on by myself it's that I don't find the cleaning helpful.

I think this is about picking your battles. Decide the jobs you're happy for her to do post baby (cooking, cleaning the kitchen, hoovering, whatever) and when she walks in and offers to clean say, "that's great! Could you do the kitchen cabinets? We never get around to them!" Every time she suggests something you feel uncomfortable with say, "actually I can manage that, but would you mind doing the ironing?"

If she hoovers where you've hoovered, who cares? She was happy doing it, it did no harm.

Don't join in again, be quietly assertive with, "I'll put the drill down if I start feeling faint, but I need to get this done, if you could do x that'd be fantastic!"

I have a FIL who likes to tut when I start on the DIY. He does it because he feels dh should be doing it instead of me. He also tuts if I start to do the dishes for the same reason, so I think it's more that he thinks dh should do everything than any sexism :o (took me a while to realise this).

I just smile and carry on with a cheery, "there's nothing like hitting something with a hammer, it's the best therapy" I think he accepted that I wasn't dainty when he saw me rip apart a kitchen on my own with just a crowbar and a lump hammer.

Sorry for the ramble. My point is that I could take offence, or I could accept help in the form it's given. I'd rather have a mil that pitched in and helped (even if it wasn't very helpful) than have to sit and stare and make polite conversation when there's stuff that needs doing.

Try not to see her actions as a criticism. That's the key.

Last time they were here I wasn't up to doing things. It was the first time ever I put my feet up, accepted the tea that mil made me, and let them get on with it. She wants to help. It makes her feel useful. Let her. Just use some gentle guidance :)

*It's not help if it gets on my tits though is it?

I've managed perfectly well for 7 years with only my mum as a babysitter and the odd dinner at my mums.

It's not that I want to take it all on by myself it's that I don't find the cleaning helpful*

You managed perfectly well for 7 years with ONE child, you have no idea how you will be with two - trust me it's way more than TWICE the work.

If you don't want the help say no, don't post then argue saying you can cope!

Hang on a minute, it's gone from a fairly lighthearted post from me about mil turning up and assuming I'd be cleaning for dp. To whether I will cope with my own two children after my baby is born.

A few people seem determined to see the worst, tell me I likely won't. Who knows until the baby is here, but my point is I coped completely alone with one baby under very difficult circumstances. This time things are completely different and I have dp around.

Whatever happens though and I'm sure there'll be days when I'm tearing my hair out and we're having beans on toast, it will be fine.

I think hell will freeze over before I'm comfortable with mil doing my cleaning.

Then you've answered your own post OP.

I'll send mil round to some of you

I didn't mean to really be asking whether I should let mil help me clean my own house. It was more the assuming I'll be cleaning for dp, she'll be cleaning for dp, I won't have better things to do and I'm not sure what dp will be doing, very little after the two cleaning fairies have finished. Go down the pub perhaps?

I get you OP.

I think on this last occasion of the cleaning and sorting of your DPs house, you should just leave her them to it. Step back now, and tell your DP that his mum seems to be taking pleasure in doing this last bit of 'caring' for her son (and i think it is more about that than doing it to help you) and that you'll leave her to it.

When it comes to your and DPs own home and baby - you can tackle that one as a totally separate issue once it comes around in a few months. I too would hate someone else coming round to clean for me, and would kindly but very firmly refuse that help.

Pyjamaramadrama

So your issue isn't with MIL it's with OH's laziness?

It sounds like she's trying her best to do something kind, even if it's really not welcome! I have the same issue with MIL - when she first came to my house, she would do things like going through the fridge and throwing things away, poking around in cupboards, drawing the curtains when it suited her etc etc etc! I felt quite violated and judged! (Though I would probably not feel as uncomfortable if my own Mum did it, which I have tried to bear in mind).

She stopped doing it after I almost burst into tears one day while pleading for her to stop and let me do it - I think she had a moment of realisation. Now when FIL goes on about drawing curtains when it is barely dusk, she says 'We have to remember it isn't our house dear'. I have hopes that we are on a good road now!

Oops, posted too soon - I wanted to say that the REAL issue is with your DH and his antiquated gender roles.

There ought to be some kind of academy where men are sent to learn all the things their mothers didn't teach them.

Fluffyraggies yes well without meaning to drip feed, there has been a lot of that. Mil has let herself into dps house and cleaned, then told him off for how his house was disgusting. He's a grown man in his 30s. He hasn't asked her to, in fact he's asked her not to.

When I met dp he was clueless about household chores. He seemed to think a girlfriend might picked up from where his mum left off. He's not a lazy waste of space he works hard, he'd just never had to clean anything.

Dp genuinely has changed a lot in this way partly through him living alone and partly through discussion and him seeing how for example my sister dh behaves, and we've established a middle ground.

The in laws attitude is unhelpful not because dp is going to revert back but because I don't want to be tutted at if my house is less clean or if dp has household tasks to do.

Sounds like your DP's default position is slob. I think you have to accept that his mother is perfectly entitled to moan at him about his tidiness, for all you know she spent his entire childhood trying to get him to do it.

I get annoyed at the ethos that all MILs are the enemy. Yes it is a relationship that can be fraught with problems but you also have to remember you are creating a family that includes grandparents. My relationship with my MIL was difficult at the start, he was an only son and indulged!

Building a relationship means compromise on both sides, I am sure my MIL found my lack of ironing irritating as I found her incessant baking but ultimately we grew to love each other deeply. I am not perfect but neither was she and neither was DH but you don't just love people because they are perfect.

You need to be more honest with your partner's mother. if you don't want to spend the day cleaning you tell her that and tell her you are your partner's equal not his domestic slave. If she wants to clean your boyfriend's house then whether or not he lets her is up to him. Ypou don't have to join in and could have just decided to leave them to it and go home.
Before moving in together you need to develop ground rules about chore sharing and about his mother. If you don't want her cleaning your house you tell her this and tell her to go home if she wants to do some cleaning. If she moans about your house she gets shown the door.
I would worry about moving in with a man who still has his mother cleaning up after him though. I definitely wouldn't give her a key.
Make it clear from the start to her what your boundaries are. She can suggest she helps clean you can refuse the help.

If you don't want her to come & clean at your house then don't allow it. Tell her straight now & there will be no misunderstanding. Cleaning at my house when the baby arrives? Thanks for the offer but there will be no need, I am sure there will be other ways for you to help though.

It sounds to me as though she is the type who would come & clean & then moan about how untidy/dirty your house was, a recipe for a fractious relationship with her afterwards.

Actually that last snippet of info you gave is quite important for the context. I guess you are worried as she used to drop in uninvited to clean his old place that she will do the same in your home together. Hmm, in that case yes I think boundaries do need to be established. Starting with them under no circumstances owning a key to your place. And I would definitely say outright that you feel a bit uncomfortable with someone else cleaning your house even though you know it's not a palace and even though you know she would judge you (ahem) and that help to you would be "xyz" - e.g. Holding baby while you clean, a meal out at your in laws once a week, a stew delivered to your door, taking your ironing away, whatever else she is good at!