To drive down to London and collect DD tonight after this

[Kareninthetardis]

Sorry for starting another thread on this, things have moved on and I wanted a fresh perspective.

DD is 17 and on a trip to London this weekend with her dance school. They are at a dance convention for the weekend and are doing touristy stuff on Monday and getting back on Monday evening. Since December DD has been bullied by a group of girls in her year at school who unfortunately are also in her dance school and some of them in a drama group she goes to outside of school. The bullying consists of them calling her fat in as many creative ways as they can come up with, admittedly she has put on weight this year after dropping some dance classes, her schedule was just getting unmanageable. Gp says her bmi comes out at the heavier end of healthy, we suspect she was underweight before this and since the bullying started she has been restricting on and off so I really do not want to outright encourage her to lose weight, although we have been talking a lot about healthy eating at home. That seemed to be working until last week a group of girls at school moved her clothes whilst she was in the shower after PE, since she spoke to one of her teachers about that there has been various name calling incidents in the canteen to the point that DD now won't go in there. I went in to speak to her head of year a couple of times last week but so far she has been supportive but more or less useless. My plan was to try and rebuild her confidence over half term and take it up with her teachers again next week. I was a bit apprehensive about this trip this weekend but her dance teachers promised to keep an eye on her.

I've had a call from one of DDs dance teachers tonight and she has been in floods of tears all evening, has refused to eat. They suspect something has happened but DD will not name anyone and the girls who have been involved in the bullying up until this point insist nothing happened. DD has refused to tell anyone about the bullying going on at school- which came out because another parent found nasty messages in their DDs Facebook, so she does have a history of not wanting to speak up. The girls on the trip were allowed to go around the convention in groups today, so plenty of opportunity for things to have happened away from the teachers.

DDs teacher has promised to keep an eye on her tomorrow and sightseeing on Monday, but they knew what was going on at school before today and promised they would look out for signs of anything happening that shouldn't be. I'm just totally at a loss as to what to do to stop this at this point and want to drive down and collect her tonight- we're in Lancashire. DH thinks I'm being ridiculous and she will survive until Monday now her teachers are more aware. DD sounded distraught on the phone but insisted she doesn't want me to drive down. Would it be totally unreasonable to go and get her anyway?

Yes it would be unreasonble- DD said not to come down and get her.
It's awful but she isn't in danger, just very upset. If she is not better tomorrow speak to the teacher about putting her on a train home if that's what she wants.

That's a tough one. At least her teachers are aware & not trying to brush it under the carpet, they rang you and told you.

At age 17 I would expect them to be able to go around unaccompanied so it's very difficult to know what to do. Move It is very crowded too.

The not eating thing is most concerning. I would be tempted to try & find a different dance school, assuming your ds doesn't want to go down the vocational route she should still be able to dance at a high level whatever helps body shape.

As a mother I too would be tempted to go down & get her but perhaps be guided by your dd but stay in touch with the teacher.

She only doesn't want me to come and get her because of the the waste of money on B and B and classes and the drive- we're in Lancashire. I would rather do the drive and lose the money than her potentially go through this again tomorrow. This is my worry- move it was packed last time I went with her and I just don't see how the teachers can keep an eye on her, or keep them all apart when they're in the same classes. They couldn't persusde her to eat dinner, she has been told if no breakfast tomorrow she won't be dancing. They won't out her in a train alone though.

I remember your other thread. Your poor DD is really going through it at the moment. What happened with the clothes incident in the end?

I think if it were me, I'd go down. If she was distraught and only not wanting to come home because of the trouble it would put you too then I think I'd take those objections out of the equation. Sounds really tough for your DD. I hope school etc can help sort this out.

School gave a talk to the whole year about bullying and asked people to come forward, still nothing. They don't want to push it and punish those who weren't involved apparently . I would argue all the girls who saw it are involved because they did nothing about it. I went in again after the lunch incident this week and they promised to call in the girls involved in that and ask them about it again, but DD doesn't think that has happened. Still not letting her miss PE or eat lunch somewhere else, although they know she is just not eating because she won't go in the canteen.

If she wants to leave them, it is just that she is worried about the cost of you going down, could she go to a different B and B just herself, stay there for the rest off her trip alone, then travel back with them?
That might be a stupid idea.

I think if I were you, I would go down to London, get a B&B and then text DD to tell her I was there if she wanted me.
That way, if she is just being brave but actually does want you, you're there, and if she wants to stay and stand up to the bullies/finish her trip she can do so. Just knowing you're nearby might be enough moral support iyswim, plus if anything else happens, you can be there in minutes.
She won't feel like you've completely ignored her (out loud) wishes, and you can always do the "over anxious silly mummy" thing if she is dead against you being there, but nobody else on the trip need know you're there, and you can hopefully have more peace of mind than lurking at home ages away and worrying by the phone.

Yep, I'd go and get her.

Yes. I would too. If you can afford it, PomBears solution is a good one.
I'm in London and feel like getting her for you!

I do feel for you as it doesn't matter hat age they are you want to protect them. I do feel it is good for them to try and get through situations if I was in your situation I would telling my DD that if she wants to stay that is fine but if it is so bad she wants to come home I wouldn't care what time or how far.

The problem with girls is they can be right bitches. It is certainly not acceptable that your DD can't eat lunch because of them.

I hope the teacher will stamp down on it now. Is there another group that aren't part of the bullies that she can hang around with?

DH and I are going to go down to London tomorrow morning, so she has the choice. If she wants to stay, we can sightsee and come back tomorrow evening, but at least it gives her the option.

There's such a small group of them there that it's hard to separate them without sending them all their separate ways which the teacher won't allow, plus they're taking the same classes. It's the not eating that's worrying me more to be honest, as I understand it that's only going to cause her to put on more weight, and I really can't see her reacting to that well.

I think going in the morning is much better- you can be ther if she needs you and it's not too long to wait overnight if she's gone without food.
Ask the teachers where the group are likely to be at lunchtime- maybe DD can slip away for lunch for an hour with the teachers permission. You can have a good chat with her and make sure she eats

That sounds like a sensible compromise. It is good that your Dh is supportive. Poor Dd though.

You are good parents. But I would be a bit worried that at 17 your dd should at least be able to think through for herself some solutions. She will be 18 soon, should be able to feel confident that she can solve her own problems. The more you solve them for her, the more she will never acquire this life skill. If she said 'please come and get me' I'd be there in a flash to get her. But this was your idea, and in fact she has told you not to come but you are going to get her anyway. This will not give her confidence that she knows how to fix her own problems - she needs this for her own self-esteem. She is 17, not 7.

I understand that she is far away and you are worried, but in future when she is not so far from home I would try to let her take the lead on figuring stuff out.

Nasty pieces of work. Destest bullies. Go and get her, and give her a big cuddle you won't rest otherwise. She's your baby, and no matter how much she may pretend she's okay. She needs you.
Love to you both.

Bullies are nasty, but her parents swooping in from Lancashire to rescue her as she could not go the distance on a trip to London is also something that could hurt her self-esteem. You say you will try to build her confidence, and I'm not sure that rescuing her and taking her home is going to build her confidence. Surely the message that sends is that she can't make it on her own, she needs you to rescue her?

You know your dd, so only you know if she is too shy to ask you for help if she needs it, but why has she insisted that you should not come? Also your DH first thought you should let her stay - maybe this needs further discussion.

I think what you are doing sounds like the best thing. On the pretext of you and your husband going for a pre-planned day out in London, she will have you reassuringly within reach, though not actually in line of sight unless required.

I was bullied at school for a couple of years and would not go into the canteen because of it. It was just really a couple of people, but they were always in there. So I used to go and spend my dinner money on crisps and chocolate from the school tuck shop (in those days they did still sell all of that sort of stuff) and hide behind the science labs with my real friends to eat it.

My parents knew about the whole situation and did speak to my useless form tutor, who was a wet wick and did nothing. I never told them at the time where I was spending my dinner money, but they worked it out for themselves. They eventually decided to give me packed lunches instead so that at least I would be sneaking off with my friends to eat something better than crisps and chocolate. They knew that we were not supposed to eat anywhere other than in the canteen (a rule generally ignored by those with packed lunches), but let it go because it seemed that no-one was willing or able to do anything about the bullies and this way at least I would eat.

She spent the day at the convention but wanted to come back with us tonight. Her choice. I think something else must have happened today but I can't get it out of her, she's just very withdrawn. Thank god it's half term tomorrow.

I'm glad she got to take part today but also leave early and come home, with a week off school she might open up to you.

Sorry just thinking about one of the comments: Being bullied at any age is awful, the worst kind of peck behaviour. I would NOT expect a seventeen year old to be successful in dealing with it or coming up with clever and workable strategies to create behaviour change in others.

The creativity, subtle and insidious onslaught of a pack hunting its prey is daunting whatever age you are - especially if you're isolated and forced into being with them, with no escape. Schools (like prisons etc) are ideal conditions for bullying, especially when the bullies are aware that teachers won't bother/ can't intervene.

I don't think its at all easy to stop a campaign of bullying when directed at you. If you cannot physically control your own environment, it's incredibly hard to single handedly change the dynamics at work. And of course, one of the hardest things is that the bullies are not actually doing it because of her, they are doing it focused on their internal needs, failures and rather nasty little desires. It makes me uncomfortable when people talk about the bullies person therefore being able to do anything much beyond the obvious... In a weird kind of way, it's not about her at all.

So how is she supposed to be the only person forced to change a situation not of her own making and fundamentally not responsive to her as its not really about her? Sorry it's late so I hope I'm explaining it in a way that makes any sense!

Having said that Im not saying give up and doom laden future of bullies being allowed to make her life a misery.

I'm sure there's stuff you can come up with to help her a bit, but mostly it's about waiting it out until they get bored or move on to another target.

Longer term It's important that she isn't scarred too much by this, and doesn't feel like a victim all the time.

What maybe would be great is to help her become more 'bully-proof' so that other bullies she meets on life won't see her as a soft target. I think that's the most helpful skill you could give her, working on self esteem, and a sense of her own powerful ness in social situations, helping her see that would be amazing .

I think you did totally the right thing. I come from a family where my parents would have thought that leaving me to become more resilient was the best option , and did so in similar situations to what you have described. When I hear of people driving straight to an upset older child I well up even now (20 years later) as it shows to me that they genuinely care about their children and there were times I didn't have that feeling from my parents - even though logically I'm sure they did care about me.

I get so sick and tired of people who say things like 'she should be able to deal with it'. It becomes the 'victims' fault that 'she's put on weight or whatever slight they've decided to pick on. It not the OP's daughters fault that she's having to hang around with some nasty and vindictive bullies. Imagine the courage it's taken for her to go knowing this lot were going to be there.

Why can't we start coming down on bullying the right way and blaming the bullies not the victims.

I have a 17 year old who's struggling with depression that we think stems from bullying at school a few years ago. The kids that are bullied are bombarded with the wrong message that's it's their fault and something about them that caused the bullying. It infuriates me.

I hope your daughter is able to open up and tell you what happened at the weekend OP. I really feel for what you're going through.

Going to help an older child in this kind of situation won't make them dependant for life! Slightly different but I had a minor breakdown at uni, after I had cried for 24 hours straight my friends called my parents in the early evening in complete despair at what to do, they collected me, stayed up all night with me and took me back to uni late the next day in a much better state. I now live thousands of miles away from them and have a great but perfectly independent relationship. At that point in time I just needed my mum and dad!
It sounds like todos exactly the right thing, supportive but without being interfering.

todos?? 'you did' - blinking phone!