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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To drive down to London and collect DD tonight after this

83 replies

Kareninthetardis · 14/02/2015 21:39

Sorry for starting another thread on this, things have moved on and I wanted a fresh perspective.

DD is 17 and on a trip to London this weekend with her dance school. They are at a dance convention for the weekend and are doing touristy stuff on Monday and getting back on Monday evening. Since December DD has been bullied by a group of girls in her year at school who unfortunately are also in her dance school and some of them in a drama group she goes to outside of school. The bullying consists of them calling her fat in as many creative ways as they can come up with, admittedly she has put on weight this year after dropping some dance classes, her schedule was just getting unmanageable. Gp says her bmi comes out at the heavier end of healthy, we suspect she was underweight before this and since the bullying started she has been restricting on and off so I really do not want to outright encourage her to lose weight, although we have been talking a lot about healthy eating at home. That seemed to be working until last week a group of girls at school moved her clothes whilst she was in the shower after PE, since she spoke to one of her teachers about that there has been various name calling incidents in the canteen to the point that DD now won't go in there. I went in to speak to her head of year a couple of times last week but so far she has been supportive but more or less useless. My plan was to try and rebuild her confidence over half term and take it up with her teachers again next week. I was a bit apprehensive about this trip this weekend but her dance teachers promised to keep an eye on her.

I've had a call from one of DDs dance teachers tonight and she has been in floods of tears all evening, has refused to eat. They suspect something has happened but DD will not name anyone and the girls who have been involved in the bullying up until this point insist nothing happened. DD has refused to tell anyone about the bullying going on at school- which came out because another parent found nasty messages in their DDs Facebook, so she does have a history of not wanting to speak up. The girls on the trip were allowed to go around the convention in groups today, so plenty of opportunity for things to have happened away from the teachers.

DDs teacher has promised to keep an eye on her tomorrow and sightseeing on Monday, but they knew what was going on at school before today and promised they would look out for signs of anything happening that shouldn't be. I'm just totally at a loss as to what to do to stop this at this point and want to drive down and collect her tonight- we're in Lancashire. DH thinks I'm being ridiculous and she will survive until Monday now her teachers are more aware. DD sounded distraught on the phone but insisted she doesn't want me to drive down. Would it be totally unreasonable to go and get her anyway?

OP posts:

KnittedJimmyChoos · 16/02/2015 21:20

Totally agree with Boleh. and I think its wonderful your going to be there for her.

Going to help an older child in this kind of situation won't make them dependant for life!

No it will give her more confidence that she has devoted and loving parents behind her and also, when your that young you have no perspective or power, you are also saying - You Don't Have To Tolerate This, which is the most important message because none of us should tolerate bullies or encourage our dc to think they should either.

There are many options in life and I think the message, get a new option is key. She is too young, thinks she is making a big deal of it, embarrased but your her parents, you can take control.

I hope you can sort the bullying out via the school or get her somewhere new. Life is too short and her age is so vulnerable

MyIronLung · 16/02/2015 21:45

I don't have much to add that other people haven't already said but I wanted to agree with the majority on this thread. You absolutely did the right thing going to London to be there 'just in case'.

I was bullied at school. It started in year 7 and in year 8 I had a small knife held to my throat in the toilets. The school didn't care in the slightest and did nothing to help me in any way. My mum ended up coming in and ripping the head a new one! I started a new school a week later. I'm now in my 30s and I know for a fact that if I needed her in any way, for anything, she would be there to support me. Age doesn't come into it!

I also have a 17 yr old. I would be there for her. Yes she's nearly 18 but she's my child, that will never change regardless of age. It doesn't mean that she can't look after herself or is weak. Everybody needs help/support at some point in their lives. If you can't rely on your mum to be that person then it's a sad world.

Fanfeckintastic · 16/02/2015 22:19

I remember my mam went to talk to a mother of someone who was bullying me relentlessly and I couldn't believe it, I felt so proud she was finally standing up for me but she came home and shouted and roared that I was the bully.

A few years later, I gently brought up stuff that was going on in school with my dad (being called fat all the time) and he said "what, you're being bullied" with an eye roll "sure they're half the size of you"

I will always make sure my DD knows I'm in her corner.

God I'm angry thinking about your poor daughter in that situation.

Original poster

Kareninthetardis · 16/02/2015 22:27

Thank you all for your support, much appreciated For one of the dance styles DD does they have a shoe brush which they use to score the soles of their shoes to add grip, kind of like a small hair brush with metal bristles. She has been using the brush to scratch herself. Dance teacher is going to talk to the girls who have accused DD of bullying when she has them in for a workshop type thing tomorrow but honestly I don't think they're the ringleaders. The issue really for me is even if the dance school come down hard on them, they know they can get away with it at school because the teachers there are being so rubbish about dealing with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kareninthetardis · 16/02/2015 23:22

She has agreed to hand the shoe brush over, I think she was quite glad I was taking it from her, actually. If she needs to use one at a dance lesson she will have to borrow one, which will at least be supervised access. She is off to bed on the understanding that we will be talking more about it tomorrow.

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manicinsomniac · 16/02/2015 23:39

Oh, your poor DD. What an awful way for what should have been a fantastic weekend away to go. (except for the scholarship, which is awesome and hopefully makes it worth it to her)

Just a note of caution - are you sure your DD doesn't already have a secretive eating disorder? Dropping a few dance classes shouldn't be able to take her from underweight to heading towards overweight without any change in diet. If she is miserable and being bullied could she be binge eating and maybe even purging?

Original poster

Kareninthetardis · 17/02/2015 00:04

I don't think she's been binging and purging- the food issues started because of the weight gain, not before. The class drop was from 18 hours in September down to 8 by Novemberish, so a reasonably big decrease. I do wonder if shes suddenly hitting puberty late now she isn't doing so much high intensity exercise. There is a family history of doing puberty very late, I wasn't fully developed until 18.

The other thing that's worrying me having just seen her belly is that she's really, really bloated, I'm fairly sure its bloating and not swelling where shes cut herself. Could that and the weight gain be some kind of intolerance? She isn't allergic to anything that we know of.

OP posts:

ShebaRabbit · 17/02/2015 00:17

Stress can cause bloating, if she's been bottling it all up. The self harm is worrying but at least she's talking to you now. Has she opened up about the 3 girls yet and does she know the DT is talking to them tomorrow?

TendonQueen · 17/02/2015 00:19

It's definitely worth checking out allergies and intolerances.

FWIW, an important memory from my youth is of a stranger accusing me of having done something and my dad looking at them with utter scorn and saying, 'I believe my daughter, not you!' Kids remember and value it when you are totally on their side.

holidaysarenice · 17/02/2015 02:23

I think that whilst being supportive is fab, there is also a need for your daughter to take a responsibility for helping to sort this, and that is by being adult enough to know that bottling up bullying is not going to help. She has to be made aware that she has your support, and make the decision to talk about it. If that means no dance until then so be it. As that is protecting her safety. It's not a punishment it's about knowing that she can only improve things by dealing with them.

And on the supportive note, id be kicking merry hell out of the school on her behalf. The dance school for not bing able to keep her safe and as for the school, if want written evidence of the steps they have taken.
Get a copy of the any bullying policy and make them stick to it. Letters to goveners and ofsted etc

And a cuddle for dd

SweetValentine · 17/02/2015 03:13

Any chance she's pregnant? ...

SweetValentine · 17/02/2015 03:15

Weight gain, 'bloating', moodiness, not telling you what her peers are bullying her about. Might be worth getting her a test.

Coyoacan · 17/02/2015 03:32

Or it could be collitis from the stress.

She has obviously not put on too much weight or she wouldn't have got the scholarship, from my experience of the dance world.

But if she is just entering puberty now that would explain the weight gain she has had.

It is not good that she is holding everything in like that, I hope she can start to open up

WitchesGlove · 17/02/2015 07:49

I agree with some of the previous posters. It wouldn't matter if your dd was 20stone and morbidly obese, it doesn't make bullying acceptable.

And if she lost weight for these people I'm sure it still wouldn't be enough, they'd then probably find something else.

Remember, there are people in life who are very popular/accepted despite being overweight. There's no rule in life that you have to be stick thin to be happy!

Could you buy her a train/bus ticket and get her to come home herself? Less expense.

Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 17/02/2015 08:14

Sorry to say this op but I would be checking she's not pregnant.
My thoughts are with your dd.

KatelynB · 17/02/2015 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JudgeRinderSays · 17/02/2015 08:25

I admit my first thought was that she is pregnant but I didn't like to say....
Either that or some boy trouble

AuntieMaggie · 17/02/2015 08:42

I have no idea if this would work but is there anything you could arrange for her to try to deal with her self esteem and feelings about the bullying such as counselling/cbt/mindfulness course?

These things have helped me but if I'd had them at 17 I might have realised who my real friends were and not surrounded myself with people who made me feel shit about myself.

winewolfhowls · 17/02/2015 09:02

The school sound shit and i would be complaining to governors.

You sound lovely.

Sorry i also thought pregnancy?

Original poster

Kareninthetardis · 17/02/2015 09:20

She had an ultrasound last month after a GP appointment as they wanted to check her kidneys, presumably they would have noticed then if she was pregnant? Her belly doesnt seem the right shape for pregnancy. She isn't that physically developed, which is why I was thinking puberty. I think its bloating and not just sore but I doubt she'd let me look again.

Her dance teacher will have spoken to the girls in question by the time she talks to DD, so I'm hoping that will encourage her to open up. The three who have made the bullying accusation are normally lovely, which probably isn't helping :(

AuntieMaggie I had thought about counselling, I will suggest it to her. I do think she needs to talk to someone about this.

OP posts:

londonrach · 17/02/2015 09:27

Karen. My ibs can make me look pregnant sometimes. Has the doctor checked for gluten intolerance. Your poor dd. those horrible girls but what a lovely mum you are. Glad the dance teacher us on the case. X

QueenBean · 17/02/2015 09:57

This is so awful to read, your poor DD

You sound like a wonderful supportive mother, good luck for next few days of conversations with the dance teacher - I hope you get a view on what's happening here

manicinsomniac · 17/02/2015 10:11

Ah yes, late puberty does sound pretty likely then. Probably worth checking for a gluten intolerance etc or maybe even thyroid issues? (underactive thyroid can make you tired and emotional as well as cause weight gain). I'm thinking you're right with puberty though because the weight gain hasn't continued isn't it? She just changed from underweight to high end normal and stopped gaining.

Hope the sorting out process goes well today.

Original poster

Kareninthetardis · 17/02/2015 20:09

The girls who accused DD of bullying have admitted they were pressured into it by a couple of other girls- the same ones behind the bullying at school. Dance teacher is going to call their parents tonight, although knowing the mothers I think they will be in denial. Dance teacher is going to arrange some counselling. DD still very down.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kareninthetardis · 17/02/2015 20:09

IBS/ gluten intolerance is possible- can they come on suddenly?

OP posts:

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