Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disapointed?

62 replies

wickedlazy · 14/02/2015 19:44

Dp asked me a week ago what I wanted him to make for dinner on valentines day. I told him I didn't care if it was frozen pizza or sandwiches, but could he please make it romantic, with a table cloth, place mats and candles. I kept reminding him through the course of the week. I've never had a dinner eaten at a fancy table. I did ask him several times should I pick some stuff up to no no I'll get it, stop badgering me about it.

Local pound shops (four of them in the shopping centre he works at) all sell: A table cloth £1, two pack place mats £1, pack of candles £1. They all have some lovely (all of the above) for valentines day going really cheap. Literally less than £5 for one of the two things I asked for (the other was a book).

I was going to get a bath, and dolled up while he made dinner, and wear a nice sexy outfit. Que me saying I was going to jump in the bath, and that I couldn't wait to see the table set up nice. He then asked what do you mean? He had completely forgotten (the last time I mentioned it was yesterday). He spent a fortune buying the good steak he likes, and sides and stuff. But forgot that I had asked over and over for a bit of romance.

We had a big fight and he said he can't believe how ungrateful I am, he got me flowers didn't he? He was going to make me dinner wasn't he? The flowers are lovely, but were bought in place of the other thing I asked for (the book which he couldn't get). They were an after thought.

Aibu or is it understandable that once again (he has form for it) he has not listened and that I am still nearly in tears with disappointment? I know this is a first world problem.

OP posts:
squoosh · 14/02/2015 21:36

'I tell DP I love him everyday. I don't need pound shop tat to show it either.'

But the thread isn't about you or what you like and what you do.

Original poster
wickedlazy · 14/02/2015 21:49

I got him a crystal beer mug engraved with a nice message, a silver zippo lighter engraved with a nice message, one of those journal books you write in (the story of your relationship). A cute photo frame. A few silly bits (blind fold, truth or dare cards etc) a nice gift bag, and a personalised gift tag to keep as a keepsake. He was really chuffed with them all. We've been together 5 years. He doesn't do spontaneity. And asking for something romantic to be done may make it less so. But I still think what I asked for would have been romantic even so (had he bothered). Our ds is being minded by his mum tonight, so we could have our romantic meal (eating the kind of food we usually eat at the same table we usually eat at) in peace. Organised by him a week ago Confused

The poster who said When you're not exactly asking for the moon it can be galling in the extreme when it is yet again, forgotten has summed it up the best.

We had dinner, and he did my steak well done. He forgot that I don't like it like that. He forgot that we have discussed this many times, and that we have even argued (playfully) on occasion about how he thinks rare steak is gross and bound to make you ill, while I say he's talking out his bum and when it's well done it looses too much flavour.

Thanks for the all replies. Making me feel a bit better that I'm not the only one/not as silly as he made out.

OP posts:
UncleT · 14/02/2015 21:54

He even fucked up the cooking of your steak?? That tears it for me - unacceptably poor effort (and no, I'm not joking).

Original poster
wickedlazy · 14/02/2015 21:58

And I kept asking him because if I don't ask him over and over again to do things, they don't get done. (Which usually ends in me giving up on asking and doing things myself). I feel like this was a chance for him to prove he can listen and deliver, and he didn't. Again.

OP posts:
LemonySmithit · 14/02/2015 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealMaryMillington · 14/02/2015 22:04

I feel like this was a chance for him to prove he can listen and deliver, and he didn't. Again.

Eek. This was never romantic, it was a test you wanted him to fail.

UncleT · 14/02/2015 22:08

A harsh assessment. Feels more like it started as a genuine request/desire and subsequently in hindsight proved itself to be something of a test.

Reekypear · 14/02/2015 22:11

Ffs he's a bloke. He cooking. It's a win win.

Original poster
wickedlazy · 14/02/2015 22:17

I didn't want him to fail. I fully thought until the last minute he had it all planned out. When he came in from work he wouldn't let me into the kitchen until he "moved all the stuff for later". Which turned out to be the flowers and book. Really thought he had got the rest. It's only in hindsight it feels like he has blown another chance. Everything was great until I said I couldn't wait to see the table, and he didn't know what I meant. Then I just felt really shocked and hurt. And disappointed that he hadn't listened again.

OP posts:
TheSkiingGardener · 14/02/2015 22:22

Nah. He doesn't register your preferences or desires as important. Try returning the complete lack of regard and see how he bloody likes it.

(Disclaimer: I'm grumpy)

Original poster
wickedlazy · 14/02/2015 22:22

*flowers and card (doh)

OP posts:
Original poster
wickedlazy · 14/02/2015 22:24

Forgot to say I had written quite a lot in the journal book, but hadn't finished it yet, but promised I would as soon as I could.

OP posts:
Tizwailor · 14/02/2015 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealMaryMillington · 14/02/2015 22:26

On the face of it, he's made effort, got your child minded so you can have time alone together, bought flowers and a gift, cooked dinner.

Obviously this isn't just about the tableware.

Original poster
wickedlazy · 14/02/2015 22:38

The flowers were the gift (because he waited to long to get me the gift I asked for and obviously panicked and thought aha! Flowers! But they are lovely so no complaits there). A nice romantic candle lit dinner was the other gift. Instead it was just us eating at the table as usual. Only the steak he likes instead of chicken or what not. I make dinner most of the time, but he does cook once or twice a week. Dinner was nothing special, and for a change I wanted it to be special.

Tizwailer That's it. The little fripperies.

OP posts:
UncleT · 14/02/2015 22:47

Please stop with the bullshit about men cooking. Single fathers do it all the time without flouncing or expecting points, and plenty of women out there can't cook for shit. Some of my friends firmly admit to being in the latter category.

zzzzz · 14/02/2015 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealMaryMillington · 14/02/2015 22:50

No, the little fripperies are the least of it, the least important thing of all.

You have - retrospectively - made this little thing into a signifier of the quality of your relationship. To him, it was just some napkins.

If he is consistently thoughtless and dismissive of your feelings, that is quite another thing. But if not, why don't you just go and enjoy the child free evening you have together?

Tizwailor · 14/02/2015 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UncleT · 15/02/2015 00:20

What's more, it didn't actually require much effort or time at all. Her description of a nice table was extremely straightforward to achieve.

PrimalLass · 15/02/2015 00:22

A poundland tablecloth does not romance make.

UncleT · 15/02/2015 00:26

With a few other touches, a nice meal, it's a start (and obviously much more than normally encountered in that house).

squoosh · 15/02/2015 00:38

'A poundland tablecloth does not romance make.'

Maybe not to you. But to the OP who says she's never 'had a dinner eaten at a fancy table' a poundland tablecloth is a good place to start.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 15/02/2015 00:50

He also made me breakfast with sunny side eggs instead of over easy

Well for goodness sake, don't even bother with LTB, just murder the wretch in his sleep. How could he? Grin

Neither dh nor I have bothered about Valentine's Day. We never do. I couldn't care less. I'm just pleased he brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning. It's the little things that matter, not trying to be romantic because you feel compelled to.

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 15/02/2015 00:58

I think YABU in the nicest way. At least you got somthing. It's not your birthday or Xmas. Go with the flow.

Your moaning about steak. About how table ware was dressed and it brought you to tears, handing you a grip x