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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my 11yo DD have an Instagram account!

28 replies

stripeylion3 · 14/02/2015 03:11

Hi, I have been firmly against DD having fb or Instagram since she first asked a year or so ago. A lot of her friends have accounts and I know one of her friends had one behind her DM back and DD knows I disapprove.

I try to ensure that DD gets lots of whatever else she wants but she is not spoilt. It's a family effort to keep her at a private school as the alternatives are quite undesirable in our area. She is a smart kid but her report last term was all Cs and a D. She can be a B average.

When I was in her room this morning she tilted the screen up quickly (they all got new iPads as was a school requirement this yr grade 7) and I asked what she was doing and, smart kid, answered honestly first time.

She was looking at her friends page and I wasn't mad but I was definitely woken up quickly and working out how to deal with the situation.

I asked if she had a page and she said . ' Yes, Dad said I could have one'. But she agrees that I would agree which is why she didn't tell me. Dad and I are seperated but very amicable.

I had a look at her page which was innocent enough and thought aloud that maybe she could have one but only have people I know on it. But as I scrolled through many followers who I don't know, nor she, there's heaps of soft porn pics of girls with bongs and joints and boobs and bum in skimpy clothes pics.

DD says, 'I don't know who that is, or that hey are following me'.

I say 'well, it seems out of your control then, is that correct?'

She agrees, I ask her to delete the account, which she does. We agree that if she creates any type of social networking account her iPod and iPad will become my property which she can have for school only.

I try to explain to her that I'm trying to protect her from things that are unsuitable for girls her age. That when she's older she can knock herself out with it but for now she needs to get an education.

She can have the ipad and games and music, isn't that enough? Or is it a necessity to have messaging and social networking profiles at 11/12 yo.

I trust my judgement but the older I get I see more how I'm not always right Grin.

AIBU to keep DD social network deprived for he next couple of years.

I have fb and let her all over that so she doesn't feel totally desperate but it's obvs not cool enough Smile.

Thanks for reading Wine

OP posts:
SorchaN · 14/02/2015 03:14

I heard a story just today from my daughter about an 11 year-old of her acquaintance who had 600 followers, all unknown to her, and regular requests for pictures of her feet.

No one needs that.

rootypig · 14/02/2015 03:16

YANBU. It's so, so difficult when there's peer pressure but it's straightforwardly unsuitable for children. In terms of the social and psychological patterns, as much as the content.

I think they should raise the joining age to 16 tbh, and do all the poor parents of 10 - 15 year olds a favour.

I wish someone would take my social media accounts away

Original poster
stripeylion3 · 14/02/2015 03:21

rooty, haha yes, thankyou. The part that stands out from your post is 'straightforwardly unsuitable'. I'm going nuts trying to give everyone what they want against all my better judgements.

OP posts:
Original poster
stripeylion3 · 14/02/2015 03:23

Sorcha, feet Hmm, one can only guess!

OP posts:
Original poster
stripeylion3 · 14/02/2015 03:25

I did mean to say no judgement to parents who have decided it's ok for their kids. I don't know which way is up here lol!

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 14/02/2015 04:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
stripeylion3 · 14/02/2015 04:42

Yes, although long gone are the days where DD would alert the teacher to anything that was 'not right' and now is deep in the territory of 'if it's fine by you (friends) then I'm good with it also'. Not big things like breaking the law or wagging school for example but allowing seemingly innocent pictures on her wall/page?

When she looks at a girl holding a huge bong in minimal clothing I'm sure she processes it way differently to how I do because she has no clue what's actually going on.

If she immediately red flagged everything that she didn't understand she'd look like a dork to her friends. Well I imagine that's how it would be.

OP posts:
Original poster
stripeylion3 · 14/02/2015 04:45

Also I can't be looking over her shoulder permanently to check. I do check often. I'd be interested in hearing how others arrange this, eg is the internet only allowed on for say two hours after school where checking can be regular ?

OP posts:
MrsPeterQuill · 14/02/2015 08:18

My ds is 10 and he has an Instagram account as do a lot of his friends. In fact I think most of them prefer it to Facebook.

However as I also have IG, I regularly check his account as to what he's posting and who he is following and vice versa. We've also spoken about who he should accept as a follower. There is also a privacy function, in which you can keep your pics private and people have to request if they can follow you, so you can vet them first.

If I were you, I would let your dd have it, set her account to private and talk about the suitabilty of who follows her. If she disregards this, then ban her.

skylark2 · 14/02/2015 08:26

The site age limit is 13. I would say no.

" It's so, so difficult when there's peer pressure but it's straightforwardly unsuitable for children."

It's far easier if your child can say "my mum is a tyrant about this and I would lose all my internet access if I started used it." My kids know they can pull "my mum would kill me" about anything they're being peer-pressured to do, and I will tell the same story to their friends.

"I did mean to say no judgement to parents who have decided it's ok for their kids."

Really? I think they are irresponsible idiots, regardless of whether they supervise use. You shouldn't teach your kid that it's okay to join sites intended for older people by lying about your age.

Fuzzyfelt123 · 14/02/2015 08:53

Yanbu. My DD had it at 11. We've encountered every issue they warn you about - strangers on her friends list, bitchy comments, people posting pics of themselves self harming etc. I too thought I was being switched on by being her 'friend' online but didn't know about the direct messaging that could be done behind the scenes. This is where a lot of the worrying stuff went on.
They're far too young to cope with it all. And as parents we're all much more naive than we think about what goes on. It's all new to us too.
Leave it until she's 13, and then reserve the right to spot check her account.

MrsTawdry · 14/02/2015 10:13

YANBU there are girls and boys in my DDs year 6 class with them and the HT is constantly sending notes home to the parents about bullying. There's no rush. I let my DD have a pinterest and Youtube account. she can comment etc...learn about social media....but she's learning that your private life is just that. Not for broadcasting on the internet.

Ejzuudjej · 14/02/2015 10:18

Yanbu. 11 is far too young. Too much, too soon.

CocktailQueen · 14/02/2015 10:23

Yanbu. Totally agree with you. Dd is 11. There is the cyber bullying possibility - I don't like you, I'm going to bitch about you on Instagram - and I want her to learn to socialise with people in real life, not via screen. The rules of life online are hard for adults to grasp, and way too hard for kids. Too much, too soon.

Eastpoint · 14/02/2015 10:35

You have to say you are over 13 to open an account, so she can't have one, simple. I have 3 teenage dcs, we stick to recommended ages for films, computer games, social media, drinking & driving.

123rd · 14/02/2015 10:39

We have had this recently. My DD is 11. She bought herself an ipod last summer and asked if she could have an Instagram account. My fault as I said yes before checking the details. My Nieces and nephews are in it. All of her school friends have an account. I know that FB is 13 yrs limit. So when I found out Instagram was the same I had to delete my DD account. Obvs I'm the worst parent in the world but there are age limits for a Reason. It's the same as computer games and films. Actually more important after seeing some stuff that I've seen on thee Hmm

Original poster
stripeylion3 · 14/02/2015 14:59

Thanks, I appreciate the replies. I think I will definitely hold off for a while, hopefully a long while!

OP posts:
lecherslady · 14/02/2015 15:11

Of course you don't have to let her have an account, but at the same time it doesn't have to lead to the scenario you mention either.

My DD (also 11) has an Instagram account on the following conditions:

It is set to private.
Her public profile gives no personal details - no names no ages and does not contain any photos of her.
She only has her real life friends on there.
She is not friends with any adults (except me), known or otherwise.
I have her account logged in on my phone so I can check at any time. This is until she's 13. It means that any DMs flash up on my phone, and whilst I don't check those, when they flash up I can see it is all very innocent. If there is anything I'm in anyway concerned about, I reserve the right to check.
If any of her friends put up anything inappropriate she removes them as friends.

She's never had anything dodgy on her account. I monitor and we talk about it regularly. Mostly her friends seem to consist of a friend posting a photo saying it's so "horrible", then all her other friends go round saying "but ur so pretty" "followed by said friend going "shut up, ur prettier" ad nauseum infinitum.

It really is utter trite, but innocuous trite Grin.

loveandsmiles · 14/02/2015 15:31

YANBU but it is very hard to say no.

My eldest DD is in first year at high school and is nearly 13 and so far, does not have Instagram or Facebook - she is in the minority but I personally think she is still too young for it. Unfortunately there has been trouble at school with bullying and obscene pictures and I think she was relived not to have been caught up in it - long may she feel like this Grin

ihatethecold · 14/02/2015 15:43

My dd is 11 and I'm quite happy for her to use instagram.
Her account is set to private, I follow her so i can see what she is putting up, plus any comments.
she is a talented artist so she really enjoys her friends seeing her drawings.
We talk about why she needs her account to be private.

ihatethecold · 14/02/2015 15:44

letcherslady

yes to the innocuous shite, sorry trite!

sideshowbob2 · 14/02/2015 15:48

i work in a school and we recently had our e-safety training and just a couple of hours later a child in year 6 disclosed to a colleague that someone she didn't know had phoned her during the night, the person was playing a online app that all the girls were part of, this all went to the police and the child had to show our e-safety staff member the online game and the profile that was set up, also the secondary school was contacted as there was also children from there playing this game!!
so please stop your young children accessing any online games, fb, Instagram and any other online based games or apps, as this was a very scary and real situation that happened in my school just recently!!

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 14/02/2015 15:50

I said no to DD until she's 13, which is the site's own minimum age. I was a bit shocked therefore when her school's Kindness Club did a big promo that you needed Instagram to join in on.

She now has an Instagram but I have very similar limits as Lechers.

ihatethecold · 14/02/2015 15:53

sideshow
I'm not sure why that's relevant to Instagram?

Micah · 14/02/2015 15:54

Mine has one, her hobby means she has friends all over the country and they can keep in touch.

Her account is heavily locked down, she has to allow people to follow her. If she doesn't know who they are she refuses the request. I go through followers/followees with her and delete any she doesn't know.

I have a mirror account on my phone and check frequently.

Although once the initial interest wore off she no longer uses it.