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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp's "health anxiety"

31 replies

Beearr · 14/02/2015 00:43

4 years ago dp got shingles. Since then he's gone backwards and forwards to doctors over everything from nerve pain, stomach pain, kidney pain, prostate pain, chest pain ... To cut long story short he's convinced himself he has cancer and because of his insistent trips to the doctors (weekly at one point) he's had every test going from full bloods, urine, stool, MRI scans, ultrasounds ... Every time he gets the all clear he develops new symptoms which he then bothers the dr about. Eventually his old doctor decided he had health anxiety and referrered him for counselling. I supported him all the way with this but he decided it was a waste of time and refused to go. The worst thing was though he ceased to have an empathy with anyone else, when my grandad died dp didn't want to know, when my mum was diagnosed with skin cancer he didn't want to know. If, god forbid I'm ever ill, he doesn't want to know. He's just obsessed with his own illnesses, of which the professionals can find none.

Anyway because it has dragged on so long I began losing patience with him. Now he's taken to making secret doctors appointments. I know he's made two this week as his emails pop up on the iPad. He outright lies and says he's working late.

AIBU to find it all a bit draining? Doesn't help that I'm a nurse and surrounded by genuinely ill people all the time I suppose.

OP posts:
KingJoffreyObviouslyWatchesHol · 14/02/2015 00:49

I'd let him get on with it and refuse to engage.

Treat it as an annoying hobby.

MagpieCursedTea · 14/02/2015 00:53

But mental health problems like anxiety are genuine illnesses Confused
Caring for someone with any illness can be draining though, especially if they've not come to terms with their diagnosis so I can see how it's hard on you.
The not being able to see beyond his own health problems and support your or other family members must be the most challenging though. Have you addressed that directly with him?

MumoftheBoyandtheGirl · 14/02/2015 01:20

Yabu sorry. Health anxiety is a horrible condition that can take over your whole life. Imagine you were convinced you were dying - constantly. It's exhausting! I had this and at my worst I was having to check for lumps every 10-20mins. I was also battling an inner dialogue on top of this. Have some empathy, there is a way out, help him find it.

RandomNPC · 14/02/2015 05:57

YANBU

Eventually his old doctor decided he had health anxiety and referrered him for counselling. I supported him all the way with this but he decided it was a waste of time and refused to go.

He has to take responsibility for this and seek help. Counselling takes time, if he didn't work well with one counsellor, then he needs to speak to the GP and arrange someone else. The lack of empathy thing is strange, it's as if he has developed tunnel vision.

Mrsstarlord · 14/02/2015 06:55

I disagree that the lack of empathy is strange. Anxiety and depression are illnesses which put the persons focus inwards, it's very difficult to see and empathise with others because you become so preoccupied with your own thoughts and feelings. Like others have said there is only him who can change this if he seeks help but CBT should help once he goes.

SummerHouse · 14/02/2015 07:20

I think the lack of empathy goes with all the other symptoms. I think its a horrible place he is in and he simply blocks out anyone else's illness as he can't deal with it. Depression can make you very insular I think. I hope you get help. The only thing I can suggest is exercise which might help in a small way.

dashoflime · 14/02/2015 07:22

It could be worse- he could have made you the focus of his health anxiety.
My DH once worked out the number of cigarettes he thought I was likely to have smoked over the course of my entire life and from that my percentage likelihood of contracting various nasty diseases.
Then he worried about it to the extent that he didnt sleep for a week and was constantly vomiting out of fear for me. I was completely healthy the entire time this was going on btw!
He also tried to stop me taking our new baby out of the house for a month after he was born- for reasons Im still unclear about.
In our case- citalopram worked wonders. It is frustrating your DH wont seek help with his mental health- especially while hes putting so much energy into imaginary illnesses.
Id also be tempted to leave him to it until hes ready to listen to sense. "Secret" GP visits are fairly harmless behaviour in the scheme of things.

SummerHouse · 14/02/2015 07:22

Mrsstar I just realised I have tried to say exactly what you said but I have not said it as well.

RandomNPC · 14/02/2015 07:23

I disagree. Having severe depression has never stopped me being empathetic. Suffering so much has actually made me more so.

patienceisvirtuous · 14/02/2015 07:30

Health anxiety is a hideous, insidious, debilitating illness that affects every area of your life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I think your DH is lacking in empathy because he won't be able to see past his own worries - they're all consuming, sad but true. Also, I think he won't engage in others illnesses as a form of mental self-protection.

It's so difficult for you OP. I often think I am surprised DH stuck with me (and continues to) through this. I'm sorry you're going through it.

'Treating it as an annoying hobby' massively underestimates what your DH is dealing with - but I guess it's one strategy for helping you cope Confused.

I have it (and have done for nearly too years) - and I am aware of the strain it's put on those around me. Mild antidepressants help. And I have been having cbt for six months (which is hard going but I will try anything).

Your dh needs to do as the doc advises and follow-through with his counseling.

patienceisvirtuous · 14/02/2015 07:40

*two years obviously :o

Summerhouse yes to exercise. It's citalopram I take too. Definitely takes the edge off.

Cbt is hard going but hopefully will pay off.

One exercise I have found very helpful and it may help your husband too. Ask him to write down each worry as they arise and label them, whether they're based in the current and real - or whether they're hypothetical. (Most will be hypothetical i.e.this rrecurrent pain in my chest could be lung cancer).

Labelling the worry as hypothetical makes it less scary. Then the next thing to do is push it to one side. I envisage sprinkling salt on it to dissolve it. It helps me - and others can come up with a visual that works for them. Just one thing to try...

velvetspoon · 14/02/2015 07:50

You sound fairly lacking in empathy too, given how dismissive you are of his condition. Anxiety is an illness.I'm sure he doesn't enjoy feeling this way.

Also, medical professionals make mistakes. I've had very recent experience of someone I know attending their GP in pain over several years,being referred for tests and scabs which apparently showed nothing. He persevered and eventually had surgery where they found he has cancer. We're hoping it's been caught in time.

velvetspoon · 14/02/2015 07:51

Scans not scabs!

SoupDragon · 14/02/2015 07:55

Maybe take a trip round the mental health topic before making comments about being "surrounded by genuinely ill people".

WD41 · 14/02/2015 07:58

Where's your empathy OP? Your DH IS unwell. With health anxiety, which is horrid.

RandomNPC · 14/02/2015 07:59

The OPs husband needs his delusions challenged though. Nobody is doing him any favours in reinforcing them, especially if he doesn't have insight. He needs to seek help and treatment for his health anxiety, otherwise things are not going to improve. Things are difficult for the OP here too.

namechangeafternamechange · 14/02/2015 07:59

Beearr I have a DP like this and I know exactly where you're coming from. The difference with my DP is that he flat out refuses to set foot inside a GP practice..His reasoning? 'If I'm dying I'd rather not know about it'!!!! He also refused to join his work's pension scheme as 'what's the point I doubt I'll make it past 40' He's 38 ffs!!!

My DP has a headache? Must be a brain tumour. Has a bit of a chest cold? Must be lung cancer. Stomach ache? You get the picture. He had diarrhoea last week and he said 'you and I both know why I have it'.

I used to find it quite sweet and endearing when we first got together but, over years, it's got much worse and now I find it wearing. I actually find myself being quite rude to him when he starts about how ill he must be, which I know really isn't very fair.

The other problem, of course, is that one day there may actually be something seriously wrong but, because he's 'cried wolf' so many times, nobody will take him seriously. You have my sympathies, you need to have the patience of a saint to deal with health anxiety.

patienceisvirtuous · 14/02/2015 07:59

Yes OP, the "health anxiety" in inverted commas to imply it's not real is off.

Mrsstarlord · 14/02/2015 08:08

I think depression and anxiety are just horrific for all concerned. It's very hard to see reality because you become so caught up in the internal turmoil. It's hard for the people around you because your actions and behaviour don't make sense and it's terrible to see someone you love affected in such a senseless way when logically they don't need to be. I worked in MH for over 20 years and have experience of family with depression and anxiety and it is so hard for everyone. My heart genuinely goes out to everyone affected by it.

SweetValentine · 14/02/2015 08:09

Its abig leap to realise someone has gone from being a 'mopey' to depressed or from being cautious to clinically anxious.

Hopefullt the OP can read the responses and then reread her OP and see in black and white what has developed.

That said, I'd demand he attends counselling.

teawamutu · 14/02/2015 08:12

I have sympathy for both sides. It's horrible having health anxiety - but it's wearing and dispiriting to live with, and OP has had 4 years of it, dealt with some tough times essentially alone, and sees no prospect of improvement because he won't engage with treatment.

OP, what would happen if you told him you can't continue like this, and if he wants to remain in the relationship he has to give counseling/meds a decent try?

UncleT · 14/02/2015 08:16

So is he actually in pain? Daily pain can be both very debilitating and upsetting, particularly when nobody can figure out why.

Jossysgiants · 14/02/2015 08:24

I have had health anxiety and was prescribed CBT and exercise which helped. Re the empathy- my Dad also has health anxiety and was due an investigative procedure ( which he had paid for as a private procedure- the Gps had said on numerous occasions everything was fine) on the day when his father was dying in hospital. He left his side to go for this - I can only imagine because he was so consumed by the conviction he himself was in a life or death situation. My empathy for my Dad was very much tested at this time despite my own experience with health anxiety. His behaviour was entirely self absorbed at a time when his only parent needed him. So I can see both sides really- health anxiety is debilitating but your Dh does have a responsibility to get help for the sake of his relationships as well as his own. Also having all these investigations can surely increase the chances of an unnecessary intervention at some point.

Sallystyle · 14/02/2015 08:49

I have health anxiety, it is horrible and takes over my life. I get treatment but it only helps control my symptoms and even then not always and not enough. I would love to be free of it, it ruins my life and makes me scared of living. I am scared of my own body and any bodily sensation.

I AM ill. I do have a genuine illness, a mental one.

Thankfully my husband is understanding, but he has bipolar so he knows what it is like to suffer with a mental illness even if the two are very different. I know how hard it is to support someone with mental illness . I get that it must be very hard for you but you do seem lacking in empathy somewhat. I have supported my husband through some bad times and it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do so no YANBU to find it draining. You are a human and it IS draining, for both of you. But when you say 'healthy anxiety' it's like you almost don't believe it is a real condition. I feel for both of you, being on both ends I know how you feel and how your husband feels.

DemelzaandRoss · 14/02/2015 11:48

Patienceisvirtue describes Health Anxiety as it is. Makes every day a misery. My GP says it is incurable. Can only really be kept under control by CBT or drugs, such as Citolopram. NHS has free service, Wellbeing. Suggest you contact via the website.