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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel left out since I got ditched from the carpool?

38 replies

olaflikeswarmhugs · 13/02/2015 18:08

Started uni in September and a group of us palled up . Half already had a carpool going and the other half of us tried to get one going but one wanted to get the train so that left me and another girl .

However since then the other girl has joined the other carpool so now I'm travelling up on my own a lot .

But I feel like since this has happened I've ended up being on my own a lot and left out of things . Even things like walking to car park after class they would just all leave and I would be left to walk myself I did mention this yesterday and asked them to wait on me

The latest thing is a picture of a lunch today that they have all been tagged in on facebook .

They're a lovely bunch of girls I don't think they are doing it on purpose but I'm really starting to feel left out SadSad

OP posts:
CupidStuntSurvivor · 13/02/2015 18:10

Are you actually friends with the other people?

LindyHemming · 13/02/2015 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTawdry · 13/02/2015 18:20

They're not your friends I agree. You need to move on and accept that you're not in their group....they don't sound nice anyway.

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 13/02/2015 18:29

Oh really that's a shame SadSad

It was fine until the girl left me and moved to the other carpool . I don't want to remove myself from our whatsapp group or anything I might look a bit petty . I might just answer they're messages but not overly involve myself in the conversations .

And look for new friends SadBlush

OP posts:
CupidStuntSurvivor · 13/02/2015 18:47

Sorry Olaf but it really doesn't sound like the friendship has blossomed, whatsapp group or not. If they considered you a friend, they'd probably wait for you if you were all walking to the same place.

Runningupthathill82 · 13/02/2015 18:50

I think you need to stop overthinking this and try to make some proper friends.
As for not waiting for you to walk to a car park - that's completely irrelevant. You're an adult, you don't need to be chauffeured anywhere.
Equally, they are entitled to eat lunch with whoever they like, without inviting you.
You should try to stop focusing on these people, and instead make friends with people you have more in common with. People who perhaps won't make you feel so needy ?

niceandwarm · 13/02/2015 18:53

Runninguphill that's not a very nice post. Show some empathy won'r you.

SorchaN · 13/02/2015 18:53

Sorry, it sounds like they're not very welcoming people. If you're at uni, can you join a couple of student societies? That's usually a good way to make friends. Or ask the person next to you in a lecture if they want to go for a coffee after?

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 13/02/2015 19:04

I'm not saying I need chauffeured but I would never ever walk off and leave someone to walk by themselves .

I guess I am being unreasonable it's just a change since before Christmas we were all hanging about together and now we don't is sad Sad

Also I definitely don't need help finding new friends there's other people I talk to on the course it's not like I'm a complete pariah Grin but thanks anyway I appreciate the sentiment SmileSmile

OP posts:
grocklebox · 13/02/2015 19:08

This is at least the 4th post in the last few days where people seem to think that others are obliged to be friends with them due to proximity, or some other spurious reason. I'm sure you're lovely, but nobody has to include you or invite you or anything else. We're adults, we choose our friends, we don't just hang out with people because they sit next to you.

They walk to the car park together if they are all getting in the same car. I can't see why it would occur to them to wait for you if you aren't getting in the car?

SorchaN · 13/02/2015 19:09

No, I wouldn't leave someone to walk by themselves either - I think it's rather rude. I was talking yesterday to a friend who has a disability and she says it happens to her all the time, because she can't keep up. I can't understand why anyone would behave that way, but some people are assholes Sad.

niceandwarm · 13/02/2015 19:10

SochaN I agree with you.

grocklebox · 13/02/2015 19:14

I don'tt see that having a disability is here nor there. If you are walking with someone you wait for them whether disabled or not. If you have no reason to wait for them (because you aren't going somewhere together!) you don't wait, again disability is irrelevant.

And why on earth is it rude to not wait for someone who isn't actually going anywhere WITH YOU? Bizarre.

SorchaN · 13/02/2015 19:22

If you are walking with someone you wait for them whether disabled or not.
That's not my disabled friend's experience.

why on earth is it rude to not wait for someone who isn't actually going anywhere WITH YOU?
Well, for me it's about basic human decency. But of course, some people are assholes.

grocklebox · 13/02/2015 19:25

Its basic human decency to wait for someone who you're not going anywhere with?
That doesn't make the slightest bit of sense. So you're in a room, you wait for everyone, no matter how much you know them or where they are going, or you're an asshole?
Crazy.

grocklebox · 13/02/2015 19:26

Its basic human decency to wait for someone who you're not going anywhere with?
That doesn't make the slightest bit of sense. So you're in a room, you wait for everyone, no matter how much you know them or where they are going, or you're an asshole?
Crazy.

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 13/02/2015 19:43

Yes grockle if I knew someone was parked next to me and were by themselves I would wait on them, but then maybe I'm just too nice Sad . (I should add this car park isnt just right outside the building its a fair trek away)

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 13/02/2015 19:48

I think they're dropping some pretty heavy hints that they don't want to maintain a friendship. The person moving to a car pool that left you travelling alone is fairly clear. You need to build on the friendships you have with other people on your course and not pay much attention to these people.

PUGaLUGS · 13/02/2015 19:59

Am sorry, but I don't understand why they need to wait for you when you are getting in a different car?

SorchaN · 13/02/2015 19:59

I'd rather be crazy than an asshole Grin.

AlmaMartyr · 13/02/2015 20:08

I would feel sad too OP, I do think it sounds like they don't really want to be friends :( I'd try and forget about them (easier said than done) and focus on your other friends on the course.

Reddragon116 · 13/02/2015 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MoanCollins · 13/02/2015 20:23

Well there are two ways of dealing with this. Either you can sit being upset about it and mooning after them wishing they would suddenly turn around and decide to be your best friends, which isn't going to happen and is going to mean you spend your time at Uni being miserable over something you can't change.

Or you tot it up to experience, realize that if they've behaved like this they are probably not very nice people so you wouldn't want to be friends with them anyway and you go out there and make different friends. Don't let it get to you, join other societies, enjoy yourself, throw yourself into your studying, get some hobbies alongside so you can meet more people.

There's absolutely nothing you can do about it and they're no great loss if they'll behave like this so don't waste time being upset.

Besides, if you do want them to be friendly towards you then the best way to make them do that is by making yourself look like an interesting person who knows lots of other people and has lots of interests and is friendly. It's probably not fair but the thing you could do which would make you most unattractive to them is mooning about being sad and trying to make them feel guilty. If they suddenly see you with another group of friends you might suddenly become more attractive to them...

2rebecca · 13/02/2015 20:32

Sounds odd to me. I appreciate you are feeling a bit friendless and snubbed but it would never occur to me to wait for someone after a lecture just because we were parked in the same car park. I think you are over thinking this. it sounds as though they are friends and aren't really thinking about you rather than avoiding you. I disagree that it means they aren't nice people, none of us have met them and that seems very judgemental. They just walk back to their cars when the lecture is finished and don't think of waiting for other people in the same car park.
If you're in the same lecture how come they are expected to wait for you rather than you wait for them or why don't you run and catch them up if you are always last out because you are dithering and don't like walking back to the car on your own.

rollonthesummer · 13/02/2015 20:39

How many of them are sharing a car? If there's 4/5 to collect together before they can leave-that's enough for them to think about without rounding up an extra person who they aren't travelling with!?