Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want some "me time" with a 6 month old

80 replies

vikinginvasion · 13/02/2015 11:05

DD is about to turn 6 months and I'm finding myself becoming resentful at never having any time to myself. DH works full time and I feel like he just leaves me to do everything for DD. AIBU to ask for some time just to myself?

OP posts:
Notrevealingmyidentity · 13/02/2015 19:29

You shouldn't have left. He has to learn how to deal with her and he won't if you let him guilt you into never asking him to do anything.

Squitten · 13/02/2015 19:37

He sounds like a twat.

I am still BF an extremely clingy 15mth old. I know she is a pain in the butt for other people so I do generally try to organise daytime outings with my friends (which are fine because she eats food and can sleep in the buggy).

On the occasions when I am out in the evening, DH has been known to walk laps of the cul de sac with screeching DD until she falls asleep. And he has our older 2 kids to look after too.

Does he complain about her? Of course! But he has never begrudged me a night out. Your DH is not being a good father.

TwoLittleTerrors · 13/02/2015 19:39

viking if he's using bf as an excuse he still needs to step up. I EBF both mine (stil feeding DD2). But DH is very good at taking DDs for walks. rememebr the phase where they need breast milk will be soon over. They will be on morning and bedtime feed only soon. (Then he has no excuse but to deal with it).

It may also be a confidence issue. I was worried not knowing how to entertain DD1 when I went on maternity leave for DD2. I work FT and DD1 is a daddy's girl. I never spent any alone time with her. But ofc if you get stuck with the situation you deal with it! So maybe start something small like nappy and bath time? Or changing into her clothes in the morning? This is assuming he's willing to try and bond with his child.

TwoLittleTerrors · 13/02/2015 19:40

What squitten described is known as the daddy walk in chez terror. It does work unless the baby is definitely hungry.

wafflingworrier · 13/02/2015 19:43

YANBU but a crying baby is hard to deal with if he has never dealt with her alone before.
i agree with all of the above advice on getting more time just for you, it makes all the difference and did for me.
i found it helped giving my husband "things" to do with our children. so, he is very good at taking them both all day now+all weekend if needs be, but especially at the start he found it hard just being in the house with them (because it IS!)
so, if i wanted a saturday morning to myself i would say "you take the kids to soft play/swimming", then they have a set timed and defined thing to do.
maybe you could find a baby swimming group on saturdays and book him and your DD onto it together? they can bond, he can grow into fatherhood in a way he can manage, you get a morning off?
I must add, he is being a dick and in no way does my post excuse what he is doing.
do you know any other parents? perhaps if he speaks to another dad he will realise he's not pulling his weight?
also, what sort of relationship did his parents have? if they were a traditional partnership with the woman doing 100% of the childcare it may explain his behaviour-doesnt excuse it, but would help in that he's never seen a model of how else a family can run. it's a learning process.

cerealqueen · 13/02/2015 19:44

Children need looking after round the clock, you do it while he works and then once he is home, it is shared, as are all the other stuff that needs doing. He'll never understand until he has to do it. Turn the cab around, leave him to it.

rookiemere · 13/02/2015 19:44

It must have been heart wrenching hearing your DD cry so I can understand why you are coming home.
However you need to have a proper conversation with your H about him stepping up to actually be a parent so that his DD recognises him and is not frightened to be with him - or that he can recognise when your DD is crying because she is tired/hungry etc.

How can you bare to have marital relations with such a chap. He knew it was your first night out since your DD, he should have sucked it up, rung his DM if he was struggling so badly.

Tell him that starting tomorrow you're going to start leaving him in sole charge for an hour, building up to longer so next time you can go out for an evening without him destroying it for you.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 13/02/2015 19:50

He is an Actual Bastard leaving you that voicemail. He could have walked the floors with her, gave her some milk, bathed her - all of these would have helped soothe her and pass some time.

OP you need him to shape up or shove off tbh.

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 13/02/2015 19:56

op don't be a martyr.

What would happen if you had to have a stay in hospital? He would have to deal with her.

Why should he learn how to do that if you are going to swoop in when he pulls at your heart strings?

What would he do if you rang him and said that dc wouldn't settle so he needed to get home ?

ApocalypseThen · 13/02/2015 20:04

He's a truly pathetic excuse for a parent. But having read some of the attitudes from some of the posters, is it a wonder? He shouldn't need to be coddled and guided and instructed. The child is six months old, he should be ashamed that he's learned nothing about her care in that time. I don't expect you knew what to do six months ago either. None of us did, but what choice had we?

How his mother can look at her pathetic son without shame for dragging him up to be so lazy, uncaring and ineffectual I cannot understand.

HedgehogsDontBite · 13/02/2015 20:07

I can't believe he sent you a voicemail of your baby crying. That's sick.

Original poster
vikinginvasion · 13/02/2015 20:20

I rang him 3 times on the way home but he didn't pick up, then when I got in (after having literally ran out the taxi door and up 3 flights of stairs to our flat) i found them sitting playing in the living room, no crying.

i was fuming and told him as much. In response he said he thought Dd was upset because she was looking for me, then he said maybe he should take her more regularly so she gets used to him looking after her. which is what I want although when its written down like that its a bit depressing.

His parents divorced when he was about 14 and he has a pretty poor relationship with his own dad. Not an excuse but clearly not a good role model there. It makes me really sad that he's behaving this way.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 13/02/2015 20:29

When you saw her sitting playing happily did you turn around and go back an enjoy the rest of your night? Because thats what you should have done.

teacher54321 · 13/02/2015 20:54

When Ds was tiny I used to do rehearsals twice a week in the evenings and would be out 7-10pm. Ds was an ebf bottle refusing nightmare. In 6 months of these rehearsals (ds aged 7 weeks to 8 months) dh rang me ONCE to get me to come home and this was when Ds was really really distressed as we had exceptionally hot weather and the poor baby didn't know what to do with himself. Dh had many evenings holding a dummy in ds's mouth/rocking/patting/cuddling. I would be furious after that message and then refusing to answer the phone. It's manipulative.

TheFecklessFairy · 13/02/2015 20:57

You should have turned right around........and gone back to your 'do' immediately.

TwoLittleTerrors · 13/02/2015 21:02

It sounds promising he recognises he should spend more time with his daughter. I like waffling idea about booking him into a baby swimming class. Would you be able to afford that? (The council run ones are usually weekdays only. I think it will have to be Waterbabies and the like). I did Waterbabies with DD1 and there was only 2 mums out of 10 babies. It's very popular with dads. It would give you me time and something for him to do with the baby.

museumum · 13/02/2015 21:09

It is so so so important that you now build a routine of regular 1:1 dad time. It's important for your sanity, for his confidence, and for their relationship.
My dh takes ds to the supermarket every Saturday morning. It's the supermarket cause he's always done the food shop anyway but now it's their thing. They go to the cafe and ds has graduated from the baby seat to the toddler seat to walking around "helping". They have a great time and I have a lie in if its been a tough week or I go for a run or sometimes I do some housework.
My dh also does bath about five nights a week.

DoJo · 13/02/2015 21:13

Did he explain why he left the message? Why he was uncontactable after leaving it? Why he didn't ring you back as soon as she was settled to reassure you? Because it's all well and good him saying the right things when you're already home, but it looks an awful lot like he manipulated the situation to get the outcome he wanted, so for all you know he's just saying the 'right things' to get himself off the hook.

Original poster
vikinginvasion · 13/02/2015 21:28

Once I'd got home I didn't really feel like going back as it was pretty embarrassing having to suddenly leave in the middle of the event.

the swimming idea might work thank you for that. I take Dd to waterbabies already, the local class is midweek but there's a pool nearer to our house that we could use at the weekend and I'm sure DH would enjoy taking her swimming as it was actually his idea to sign up for waterbabies in the first place.

Maybe there's hope yet although his behaviour has been really crappy of late. I think I just needed to hear that it was OK to expect more of him.

OP posts:
MonkeySeeMonkeyDooo · 13/02/2015 22:03

I'm furious for you OP, he couldn't even let you go out for a few hours.

eurochick · 13/02/2015 22:45

That is really shitty, OP. Hopefully you can use this evening to change things going forward.

I went back to work just as my baby turned six months, a few weeks ago. My husband is taking paternity leave at the moment. He is finding it hard. I've done it, so I know it is tough. I'm knackered when I come in but make sure that I step up in the evenings and weekends. We share the workload evenly when I am at home, which is how it should be.

CluckingBelle · 13/02/2015 23:52

Sorry to sound depressing but my ex did this to me, with three babies over ten years. It got to the point where I had to ask him to look after them while I had a bath, and he'd convince me to wait until the baby was napping. Eventually he wouldn't have them while I went to work, so I stopped going to work.

I'm a single parent now and he 'sees' them but doesn't 'have' them (his choice). I am no longer a prisoner but my 20 ' s have sadly passed me by.

Don't be like me. He must step up or you will resent him. His life must change too. It's only fair.

Original poster
vikinginvasion · 14/02/2015 09:04

Clucking I'm sorry to hear that, I must admit that I worry its going to drive us further apart.

Starting today I'm going to get him to do more. Hopefully!

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 14/02/2015 09:11

No hopefully about it. Why does he get a choice? He's a selfish, manipulative, lazy git and that has to change. He's clearly perfectly able to look after your mutual child so let him at it. Not with patiently showing him how to do things and negotiating half an hour here and there but basically leaving it all at his discretion but by getting yourself out of the house today to continue the time off that you were manipulated out of having last night.

purplemunkey · 14/02/2015 09:28

Sorry you're having a tough time viking. My OH has been stepping up much more for our 14wk old but I have also felt like I'm doing too much at times. I agree with some PP that whilst I agree it is my 'job' to look after DD whilst on ML I didn't work 24/7 before so I can assume that evenings and weekends should be shared responsibility. A few PP mentioned that your OH may actually just be scared to look after your DC on his own which could explain why he's quick to hand her back, through fear rather than reluctance. My OH has never been reluctant but I did return to find him quite overwhelmed the first few times he had her alone saying DD just cried the whole time I was out. I think he thought he was doing it all wrong. The only way he got more comfortable and confident is by having her more. Get OH to simply take her more often, even if you're there, and get some more time to yourself. Good luck!