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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to just leave DS to it and let him get rubbish grades?

104 replies

NoGinThanks · 13/02/2015 00:20

DS is 13. Through an absolute fluke he was offered a place at selective school offering the IB last year. We bit their hands off and were so chuffed. He scored so highly on the test portion that it offset his non-perfect grades (lazy coaster).

We hoped the more challenging environment/motivated kids would rub off on him but well, he's consistently done the bare minimum, 'forgotten' homework, lied about what is required, he almost failed his MFL. He is bussed to school so there isn't the immediacy there was when we were a 5 min walk from the school.

Have tried everything we can think of. Having his planner signed, multiple meetings with the subjects he's doing badly in, standing over him, helping him, helping him too much...

Teachers are frustrated as he's scraping by when he could easily achieve better. Our attempts to help are increasingly met with screaming, yelling, more lies. He does seem resentful other children get singled out for praise for outstanding work but won't accept he needs to work harder to expect anything similar.

Would I be U to just say okay, fine, leave him to it and let him get the grades he 'deserves'?

OP posts:

Killasandra · 13/02/2015 07:25

I think you have to TOTALLY back off.

While you are taking responsibility for him, he can't.

He can only take responsibility for his grades and his life when he is given full responsibility for it, including the chance to fail.

You probably want school to take the same line for a while.......

fluffyraggies · 13/02/2015 07:25

Don't give up on him.

My PIL 'gave up' on my DH when he was about your DSs age, (similar situation, highly intelligent but very belligerent about not wanting to study) and his life has been very adversely affected because of it.

All the advice above on the thread is very sound. I ask; does he have a goal in life? Something he might feel he could strive to do? I found with one of my teens the sudden realisation of what she wanted to do in life made such a change to her attitude to school. It doesn't need to be anything with any wow factor - just anything he is interested in which could conceivably be turned into (even a short term) goal for him?

fluffyraggies · 13/02/2015 07:27

By the way, the 'not giving up on him' can include backing off for a while. PILs just backed off permanently with DH :(

Killasandra · 13/02/2015 07:28

Backing off isn't giving up on him.

You still have the same standards and expectations.

It's just you're empowering him to set and reach his own goals.

Killasandra · 13/02/2015 07:28

X post :)

bloodygorgeous · 13/02/2015 07:33

Did he have tutoring to get into the school? Why do you say by some fluke he got in?

My first thought it's the classic he wasn't really academically up to going to this selective school and now he irealises he's in bottom sets for everything. Feels humiliated/beaten and gives up.

Anyway that aside - year 8 is actually the least important year. Even if he does sod all he can pick it up in year 9 and 10. I did this at school!

I agree to back off - my dh would do the opposite and pressure him but I would just say 'ok you're on your own'.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 13/02/2015 07:34

Will he lose his place at this school if his grades sink lower?

gobbin · 13/02/2015 07:34

I have one a bit like this, except he's now Yr 13 when it really matters. He's got to want to do it for himself and it's also a confidence thing. My boy likes to be near the top - if he's not, he cruises or gives up. Not like me or DH, we're totally different.

The rot set in at secondary school with a lack of homework (seriously, 3 pieces per week in GCSE years kind of lack) so he wasn't in the habit of proper studying. There's only so much you can do as a parent to bridge that size gap and he does four extra curricular activities on top of any academic activities we fostered in him. (The extra curric is likely to be his saviour in terms of getting into uni, as it turns out).

I said to him last week "You're like a rudderless ship cast adrift on a tide of inactivity". He knows where he WANTS to get to but he's just going round in circles. It's heartbreaking to see my bright, lovely boy of 7 turn into a bright, lovely but utterly lazy young man because we can see the consequences - he doesn't, at the moment.

PeaceOfWildThings · 13/02/2015 07:39

Back off on the academic suppoet but keep up the support of helping him get to school, getting thevright equipment, taking him to a range of out of school activities and having family meals together etc where school work is not mentioned.

PeaceOfWildThings · 13/02/2015 07:42

Bear in mind as well there are still a lot of high ability children who appear lazy because they have an undiagnosed SN or health issue which majes life much harder for them than their peers.

Mrsjayy · 13/02/2015 07:51

You need to back off a wee bit he may have gone from bright kid to be surrounded by brighter kids and he feels intimidated and the pressure is to much for him his school will deal with him imo he is only 13 give him a bit of room. Having a coaster is bloody frustrating though you actually want to shake some enthusiasm and life into them when you know they can manage better. I wouldn't worry about the socialising x box is socialising for some.

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 13/02/2015 07:51

Can this not be a simple case of you get what you want and he gets what he wants?

ie you want his effort to improve and he wants xbox/skype/mobile phone/internet.

What is his punishment for lying and lack of effort?

nowahousewife · 13/02/2015 07:58

You say he's 13 so in year 8 or 9? The good thing is he has a little bit of time before his GCSE work starts in year 10.

They can change a lot in a short time so I'd be incline to back off a little. This doesn't mean you are not there for him but that you are leaving him to make a few of his own mistakes. It's more important to keep him close rather than having him disengage with you too.

Our DS was a bit of a nightmare until recently and it was my DH's suggestion I back off. Little things like the morning naggin for him to get up and not be late, well we told him none of us were enjoying the morning battles so we'd be leaving him to sort himself in the mornings. Guess what....he's never once been late and is perfectly capable of sorting himself.

Our boy is 14 now and after 18 months of a really unpleasant surly teenager skulking around the house we now have a quite pleasant young man emerging (still the odd surly moment but they are few and far between).

Keep working on him OP but just look at adjusting your tactics - might not work but neither are your current ones. We're all works in progress you know.

flora717 · 13/02/2015 08:01

My brother was this lad. His GCSE's were scraped through as acceptable. He opted for A Levels at college. He dithered. He didn't get very good results. He went to work for a year. Then wham. He got hungry to learn, to push himself. He took himself off to a so / so uni. Really excelled. Got into a career that delighted his interest, pushed more doing further academic and then professional qualifications. The change came at work. Surrounded by people who had ambitions and those who had few. It gave him clarity about what he could achieve. To be frank, until he saw there was a job he wanted (very technical) he was unsure of 'the point'.

skylark2 · 13/02/2015 08:01

"He would never consider going back to former school."

Tell him it will happen in September whether he'd consider it or not, if he doesn't start making an effort.

How deluded is he if at 13 he thinks a selective school won't simply kick out someone who CBA? But it would be mean not to tell him this, in words of one syllable, before leaving him to fail.

Mehitabel6 · 13/02/2015 08:03

I think it was a shock to him. He went from being one of the cleverest-without effort- to just being one of the many cleverest and realising that being clever wasn't enough- he needed to work hard to keep up. A big shock if everything had come easily before that.
My DH was similar in that he won a full scholarship to a fee paying school at 11yrs ( no tutoring for it) and he found it hard. According to my PIL he was often in tears over homework at the start- however he put in the work and overcame it.
I think that people lose sight of the fact that getting the place isn't the end- it is the start of 7 years very hard work and even then you may be merely average among your peers.
I think that you have to back off- in that so far your efforts are not working- let him find out what happens when he takes the results of not working. The risk is that it could go two ways. You would hope that he would be shocked into action, but he could simply give up completely.
The problem is that it is up to him. Clever people don't necessarily want to knuckle down to work. I would back off and see how it goes.
He may mature. My father did nothing much until he was 15 yrs and then he woke up to the fact that results would matter and changed almost overnight.
You say that 'you bit their hands off' and 'were so chuffed'- nothing about him. Did he have a choice? Did he want to go to this school- and if so did he realise what it would mean in terms of work?

frankie80 · 13/02/2015 08:03

Maybe get him to speak with a careers adviser so he will know what subjects/grades he needs for the career(s) he wants to do?

Pippioddstocking · 13/02/2015 08:04

Are you sure he's not being bullied ? Just a thought as my parents could have written that post about me many years ago and that's the reason that lay behind it.

skylark2 · 13/02/2015 08:08

"let him find out what happens when he takes the results of not working."

I think the main issue with that is that a selective school may simply show him the door before he has the chance to maybe mature and decide that actually he does want to put the effort in. I think it would be cruel to put a child who is explicit that he doesn't want to go back to his old school in that position.

Anyone who did nothing at DS's school would be asked to leave long before 15. I'm not saying that's right, but it is how it is.

CornChips · 13/02/2015 08:14

I am wondering about anxiety as well. I get so worried about not doing things perfectly that I get really anxious and self sabotage.... even now and I am over 40. When I was young, my parents also made it clear how much schooling mattered to them, and so I was resentful and stressed about that too. I'd back off as well for a bit.

Good luck.

ithoughtofitfirst · 13/02/2015 08:21

Yanbu.

My parents did this as was a stubborn waste of space in school. And for my a levels. Then dropped out of uni, regretted it, went back and did something else in a less desirable institute of HE.... GOT A FIRST BITCHEEES. And now I run my own business.

ghostinthecanvas · 13/02/2015 08:24

Have a homework routine. Sit with him but you have a different activity. I either read mumsnet or do crafting. If he doesn't work either consequence or let him pack away his books and hope that he gives in and starts to work himself. You will know what he will respond to. If he has consistently been told that he is bright he may have a very real fear of failure, he can't fail if he doesn't work.
Yesterday my 14 year old thanked me for making him study. He got 80% in his test. There was friction and attitude at the time but we just pushed on. It is horrible when they give you a hard time, my motivation was the mistakes I made with my eldest. I am not looking forward to dealing with my youngest. He is a bright coaster, his teachers have, in the main, been all about the praise regardless of the quality of his work. That's hard too because I can see he has put no effort in. Not helpful.

Good luck with it all, remember you are in charge and he will change a lot over the next couple of years.

olgaga · 13/02/2015 08:26

I would completely change tack. I think you're right to fear permanent damage to your relationship with your son, but only you and DH have the power to change this by changing how you deal with respond.

You both need to reassure him that your concern stems from your love for him and your hope that he will achieve contentment and fulfil his ambitions (whatever they may be) as an adult.

Back off and stop trying to micro manage his development at school. IME year 8 is a year of transition. Just make it clear that you are there to support him in his choices, and expect him to come to you if he needs to talk things through.

He needs to understand that if he does have issues, he can discuss them with you without getting a load of grief.

It sounds like he is very aware of your opinion of his capabilities (high) and your expectations (also high). For some kids that can be a great motivator. For others it can lead to a paralysing fear of failure.

Mehitabel6 · 13/02/2015 08:27

I don't see that you have much choice other than leaving him to it- all other tactics have failed.

olgaga · 13/02/2015 08:30

Sorry about the editing error in my 1st para above but I'm sure you get the gist!

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