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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH? About dropping the DC at school on his way to work?

36 replies

BubbleGirl01 · 12/02/2015 13:30

He keeps being late for work and it is all my fault as I am 'making' him drop DC at school when I am a SAHM.

We have two cars. DTSs go to a school about 3 miles away which is on A route to DH's work. There is another route which he stopped using due to traffic on the motorway but he has been using the route that goes past DTSs school for a while now which is why I told him that he could do the school drop off for them rather than me having to put DS3 in the car to drive the DTSs to school and then drive back home to drop DS3 at school (his school is a 5 min walk from home).

So he drops DTSs off and I walk DS3 to school. Except he always leaves too late (10 mins on the loo this morning Hmm), boys are waiting at the door for him. He used to be late for work before he started taking the DTSs but is now blaming it on me that I am lazy and should take the DTSs myself. I pick them up.

He was ironing his work trousers at 7.30 am this morning even though he has been off for the past two days.

I am a Uni student (attend 2 days a week although have only just returned) and deal with all the home and DC stuff. I had to stop working when we had the DTSs as DH wouldn't, even though my job was better pay and hours (9-5 Mon-Fri as opposed to his weekend/nights etc) than his. We have since had another DC who has just started school and I am now trying to get some qualifications to be in a better position to return to work in a reasonably paid job. I was on the salary DH is currently on 16 years ago!

He resents the fact that I am not at work not taking into account that I had to cancel my career to bring up our DCs Angry.

He is pissed off and wants me working or doing EVERYTHING to do with the DC and the house especially as the youngest is now at school.

IHBU or perhaps a cunt?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 12/02/2015 13:36

He is being ridiculous. He should get up earlier.

God help you when you do go back to work!!

LurkingLilly · 12/02/2015 13:39

He's being a complete tool, tell him to get his lazy arse up, sorted and out earlier if he doesn't want to be late!

Theselittlelightsofmine · 12/02/2015 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coppertop · 12/02/2015 13:42

Is he already preparing his 'sad face' photo for when the story hits the newspapers - "Dad's shock at having to take own children to school!"

He doesn't want to be inconvenienced in any way. I doubt that will change when you return to work.

OrangeFluff · 12/02/2015 13:43

He sounds like an arse. YANBU.

Thumbwitch · 12/02/2015 13:47

HIBAC.
Stupid little manchild.
He should get his arse out of bed earlier, or be more prepared rather than blame you for something that is clearly his own fault out of some misguided misconception that because he WORKS, you should do every other bloody thing.

Quangle · 12/02/2015 13:52

Why wouldn't he be thinking "this is great - this is no problem for me and I get to take the kids to school and DW can focus on DS3. How lucky we are that school is on the way to work for me. Win-win".

That is what normal husbands and fathers (and mothers) would be thinking.

Goneintohibernation · 12/02/2015 13:58

So he doesn't want you to work, he doesn't want you not to work, and he doesn't want to drop his own DC off at school despite the fact it is on his way. What exactly does please him? He is coming across like a prize knob!

Original poster
BubbleGirl01 · 12/02/2015 14:08

Thumbwitch that is exactly it. I am actually kind of resentful that I have been the one who has had to stay at home doing all the mundane, stressful shit (slowly going loopy). I can hardly get worked up these days about a day doing housework, washing, cooking, household paperwork and refereeing the hours between school finishing and bedtime as well as trying to motivate myself to study for a degree.

He harrummmps when I ask him to go and up and tell the DC to shut up and go to sleep after I have been up and down 10 times as he works and should not to move his arse from the sofa in the evening Angry.

I actually have a job interview tomorrow which I doubt I will be successful in due to the massive gaps on my CV, and it is only half his salary so again I expect he will not want to help out much due to him being the main 'breadwinner' and his job being so much more important [sigh].

OP posts:
MrsBojingles · 12/02/2015 14:08

HIBVU. He needs to get over himself and take responsibility and get up in time.

Solidur · 12/02/2015 14:10

Oh yes, your DH is an arse! As many PP have pointed out, he should just bloody well get up earlier.

DH willingly takes DC Y11 to school when he can, and he doesn't actually need to as there is a dedicated bus service.

But he likes spending that time with DC, and DC enjoys it too. It's "their" time.

Original poster
BubbleGirl01 · 12/02/2015 14:16

Goneintohibernation Oh he does want me to work but he doesn't want to have to do any household stuff or DC stuff. He wouldn't want to take a day off if DC were ill or to be called at work to come and collect them or attend parents evenings, assemblies, plays either Hmm. Prize knob is right.

One of the reasons I quit working (aside from the childcare costs) was the fact that I worked in London (20 miles from home) and his work takes him all over and he would be too far away in an emergency to collect them. I had to be local as we no one here to help. Local jobs pay a pittance and it wasn't worth it while we had childcare costs.

OP posts:
Quangle · 12/02/2015 14:21

Bubble as always with these threads it starts off being about a simple, practical thing (logistics of getting children to school) and ends up being about a man who has no commitment to or interest in his wife or children. Is there more to him than that?

dietcokeandwine · 12/02/2015 14:30

He's being a twat, OP.

I am also a SAHM to three, DH is in a high-earning, long-hours kind of job. He does not, in any way shape or form, assume it is his right to do absolutely nothing when he gets home because he's been to work.

I do the bulk of the household stuff because that's kind of the deal but equally DH has always done what I'd consider to be a reasonable share of parenting stuff: he's got up in the night when DC have been ill, works from home if need be to cover illness or logistical hassles both on a regular or ad hoc basis. For example on DS1's scouts night DH will always make sure he's home to do the 7pm scout run, because otherwise it would mean me hauling toddler and 5yo out at 7pm as well. That kind of stuff. Nothing amazing. Just typical supportive-and-involved-dad kind of stuff.

Yes, your DH is being an arse and an idiot. He needs to sort himself out. No decent parent expect to simply opt out of everything simply because they are bringing a wage in.

diddl · 12/02/2015 14:42

Well it would seem to be a simple & sensible thing for him to do imo.

Is he worth staying with?

Original poster
BubbleGirl01 · 12/02/2015 14:48

I think he's getting worse as he's getting older. He was brought up in a very misogynistic culture (not here) and he seems to be turning into his father who never took him out on his bike (he never had one!), never helped with homework, never lifted a finger at home etc. His mother used to wash their clothes in a stream, I'm so lucky to have a washing machine! His father had to smack his mother a few times when they got married so she knew her 'place'. He is regretful of that now though as an old man.

His family used to rib him mercilessly because I used to make him make the drinks when they came over (I would not serve them like the females in their culture did), or he'd help with dinner, or because I bought what I wanted - like my own clothes Shock. His brother used to buy his wife her clothes and never even let her do the food shopping as she'd waste money (but she would carry it home).

He knows what I think about it. I think he needs a strong reminder again that I will not take his shit!

OP posts:
kittycatz · 12/02/2015 15:34

Twatface.
When I started reading your original post I thought "oh ok, the guy takes his children to work and it is making him late because the children are messing about and not ready" then I read on and realised he is a twatface.
Unfortunately having read your follow up posts it seems like there are deeper issues and you mention him being brought up in another culture. My cousin married a man like that and it was all hunky-dory at first and then his real attitudes starting coming out - ie. the children and the household were her responsibility and he wouldn't do a single thing to help. She LTB in the end.
He needs to start taking responsibility and taking his kids to school which is on his way to work - so he needs to get up earlier. Try telling him how much money it will save because you only have one car out driving and not two driving in the same direction at the same time - bonkers.
Sorry I have to say again, he is being an absolute knob.

GingerLDN · 12/02/2015 15:42

He's being a twat. Good luck with the interview OP. Think positive. Did you send a cv in? If so they have seen something in you they liked or they'd have chucked the cv. Think of ways to fill in the gaps with things you done in that time. And turn the gaps into a positive - use life experience type of thing Wine

AlpacaLypse · 12/02/2015 15:49

There was quite a good thread not long ago about gaps on CVs, and some helpful replies from a couple of HR people about what sort of thing they like to see on CVs from SAHPs returning to work after childcare breaks. I think it was probably in the Returning To Work topic (hope it wasn't in Chat or AIBU, you'll never find it then!)

Meanwhile, it's been all give from you and take from him. Just what is it about this man that makes you want to stay with him and allow him to set this sort of example to your sons?

AChickenCalledKorma · 12/02/2015 15:50

Two different schools, two parents, two journeys. Doing one each sounds entirely reasonable and he needs to stop blaming you for his lateness if it is genuinely down to his disorganisation. If there's anything you can realistically do to help them all out of the house, that's one thing. But saying it's your "job" to take them is simply inconsiderate.

It is not your job to do everything child-related - it's a partnership and each couple needs to work out their own balance. If you are at uni two days per week, you are far from anyone's definition of "lazy" and I would personally not call you a SAHM either, although I realise that might get controversial.

happywanderingwithdog · 12/02/2015 15:58

YADNBU. He is an arse. Hope you get your own career back on track soon.

TwoOddSocks · 12/02/2015 19:16

YANBU and you should stick to your guns or you'll end up working and still looking after all the house and DC stuff.

Thumbwitch · 13/02/2015 03:00

So he's getting this from a cultural perspective, and getting worse as he gets older - does he remember what it was like having an uninvolved Dad when he was a kid? Does he get on with his Dad now? Might be worth reminding him if he has bad feelings about those times, see if he wants his own DC to have bad feelings about his lack of involvement too. :(

FishWithABicycle · 13/02/2015 04:28

He's being very unreasonable. The school run is not making him late. He is making himself late. He needs to grow up and take some responsibly.

MistressDeeCee · 13/02/2015 05:02

Oh dear. When you go back to work you'll also have all the housework to deal with. & your DH is extremely irresponsible about work - what if he is sacked, due to not being asked to get work on time?! How will you manage then? You do need to put your foot down but I can't even begin to think how, as he sounds incapable of seeing sense. He is very entitled, isn't he?

There's no reason for him to turn into his father. As horrid as childhood issues can be, he has his own wife and family now and doesn't live within that culture. & people don't automatically turn into their parents, either.

I hope you get through your degree and also that you get the job you are going for - good luck. You will need to work as this man sounds as if he could very well bring your family crashing to the ground. Responsibility in life certainly isn't his forte...

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