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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended

31 replies

Pleasepassthewine · 11/02/2015 11:01

I have 2 dcs. Dd is 6 and ds is 10. DS has a diagnosis on high functioning asd. I have a severely disabled father whom I help to look after. Dh has recently taken a job about 100 miles from home so he's away in the week and only back at weekends. My mum died some years ago. I had severe depression two years ago - just couldn't cope anymore.

So I'm managing on my own with my dcs. Ds is very anxious, he's statemented but school is hard for him. Last year he was at breaking point because of school. I have absolutely no support network at all. I look after the kids single handedly. My in laws are close by but choose not to get involved with my kids. They just don't 'get' Ds and when they do see him, they usually get cross with him. To say I feel resentful is an understatement.

So my MIL phoned my husband at work yesterday to complain that I hadn't sent her uncle a birthday card!! WTF?? :(

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 11/02/2015 11:04

Regardless of your personal circumstances.... if a card needs to be sent to your DP's great-uncle from him and his family, then it's his job to buy and send it.

Your MIL can piss off.

DoJo · 11/02/2015 11:05

Was she complaining that you hadn't sent him one, or was she complaining that your husband hadn't sent him one which he blamed on you?

Aeroflotgirl · 11/02/2015 11:10

No no no, what is your shit stirring MIL phoning up your dh because you haven't sent his uncle a card, she should be asking him to send one.

ouryve · 11/02/2015 11:10

I do hope he pointed out that it was him who forgot, not you.

TikiTigeress · 11/02/2015 11:13

I'd send her a text her a text saying 'hi mil, hope your well. Just spoken to dh and he was telling me how embarrassed he was that he forgot to send uncle xxx a card. I did have to chuckle as his disorganisation is something I always have to roll my eyes at, hopefully the children will take after me in this respect! Wink Hope uncle had a lovely birthday and that you and fil are well too!'

LumpenproletariatAndProud · 11/02/2015 11:15

What did your DH say? To her and to you?

Toetallynamechanged · 11/02/2015 11:17

Yanbu.

Lady needs to get a grip with both hands. And, pitch in with kids a bit, a bit of support would be nice eh?

Passmethecrisps · 11/02/2015 11:22

What a weird, weird thing to get annoyed about. And how on earth did she know? I wonder, did she urgently go through every card on the mantlepiece before smiling wryly satisfied that her suspicion was correct.

Original poster
Pleasepassthewine · 11/02/2015 11:22

Dh told her he didn't know if I'd sent a card and then he phoned me to ask if I had! Thanks for your replies, just wondered if it was me ......

OP posts:
ouryve · 11/02/2015 11:24

I think you need to have a conversation with DH, then. He does his family's cards, you do yours.

Passmethecrisps · 11/02/2015 11:27

Hang on. Her uncle? Your husband's great uncle. What the actual fuck?

Is sending cards to extended family of both sides a woman job? I hadn't realised. My mil must be insane with rage in that case.

YANBU and you need to check what your DH said in response. If it was anything short of "my wife is busy bringing up our wonderful family. You choose not to notice this. You also choose not to notice that it was me who neglected to send great uncle Gilbert a card. Send one yourself on my behalf if it bothers you so much" then he should step up

Passmethecrisps · 11/02/2015 11:27

Oh. Cross post.

Hands DH a step

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 11/02/2015 11:30

I've never sent a card to anyone in DH's family. His family, his responsibility. He's never sent one to anyone in my family either.

I hope your DH apologised to your MIL for him forgetting.

Passmethecrisps · 11/02/2015 11:43

But why does she get an apology? It is none of her business who sends cards to who.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/02/2015 11:48

I wouldn't be offrended no.

I'd be fuckingfurious with a. MiL and b. DH

Hope you're OK OP - you sound like you're at the end of your tether

skylark2 · 11/02/2015 11:52

Are cards a huge thing in your DH's family? I can't imagine ever knowing who had or hadn't sent any of my uncles a card.

That's such a truly bizarre thing for her to get wound up about. Is she well herself?

OnlyLovers · 11/02/2015 11:54

Christ. I'd tear my DP off a strip if he rang me up about something like that.

You sound stretched so thin, OP. You need support, not petty criticism. Your DH needs to step up and tell MIL to get a life and leave you alone.

Passmethecrisps · 11/02/2015 11:56

Absolutely.

I went back and properly read the first bit of op's post - what a huge amount of responsibility she has to carry completely alone.

Then for her DH to call her to ask if she had sent a card?!?!? Honestly, he would be getting his balls on a plate next time I saw him.

Have lots and lots of Wine op, and you can have some of my crisps as well.

flowery · 11/02/2015 12:00

Yes the issue here is why on earth both DH and MIL seem to think organising cards for his side of the family is your job.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 11/02/2015 12:01

True Passme. I guess I just meant that it's his responsibility to send family cards, not the OP's. Like you say though, none of the MIL's business.

shovetheholly · 11/02/2015 12:12

God, what a nightmare your MIL is! Talk about kicking you when you're down. Flowers OP

MayLuke83 · 11/02/2015 12:12

OP, you have so much on your plate and it is truly unthoughtful of your MIL to do this. My OHs family are mad on birthdays, gifts, cards etc. I stay out of it and make clear to OH that if he wants to keep up their intense traditions then it's his responsibility. Don't know why women are always assumed to keep up with these sort of things!!!

LadyLuck10 · 11/02/2015 12:21

Your mil can bloody bugger off! You have so much to deal with on your own at the moment, she offers no practical help except to worry about a stupid card. Your DH should have told her that actually that's the last thing you have on your mind right now. Take it easy op, don't let thoughtless people like this get to you.

Seriouslyffs · 11/02/2015 12:51

Mil: hello son; pleasepass didn't send Great Uncle Bulgaria a birthday card.

Son: Sheesh Mum, she's got such a lot on her plate, I doubt she even knew. I'll give him a ring.

Why on earth did he tell you Hmm

FryOneFatManic · 11/02/2015 12:58

This is part of what is called "wifework" ie, that the little woman does all the organising in the family such as cards, etc, because the bloke is helpless to remember things despite usually having a job where this kind of helpless forgetfulness would result in him losing that job.

I don't do wifework, never have in the 28 years that DP and I have been together. I do stuff for my family, such as cards, etc, he does his family (or not, as the case my be).

And I would have spoken most firmly to any member of his family who tried to tell me I was responsible for stuff relating to his side.