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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want this child in my home?

40 replies

DDDDDORA · 10/02/2015 18:48

DD is friends (I use the term friends loosely) with a girl at school, girl can be nice but is mostly unkind to DD and sometimes is just nasty.
DD often comes out of school saying girl has done/said this to me today, their teacher is involved that is how often incidents happen. This has obviously given me quite a negative view of the girl.
DD is having a birthday party soon at home and wants to invite this girl, I really don't want her to come. I am worried that she will ruin things for DD.
A bit of background about me I was seriously bullied for 5 years when I was at school and this brings back bad memories for me.
Am I being unreasonable to say no to this girl or should I let DD have who she wants to her party?

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 10/02/2015 18:49

How old are they?

joanne1947 · 10/02/2015 18:50

Whose party is it? It is not your party so let DD invite anyone she wants. You do not say how old DD is which might help.
If she excludes this girl it might make bullying worse, if she includes her it might help. I do think it is up to your DD

Scrounger · 10/02/2015 18:51

Have you talked with your DD about why she wants to invite her? Is she now friends or trying to keep the peace? I would say no she isn't invited unless she had a very good reason.

Mrsjayy · 10/02/2015 18:51

Children fall out all the time I know you don't want the girl at the party but your daughter does ask your dd if she is sure as X is unkind but if she wants her to go I wouldn't stop her yanbu to want to protect your little girl though.

fluffyraggies · 10/02/2015 18:53

Are you sure your DD really does want the girl at her party? Or is she feeling pressured into it?

DieselSpillages · 10/02/2015 18:55

let your Dd invite her if she wants to, It will be a good opportunity to check her out. if she acts a bitch you can back her into a corner and scare the shit out of her !

PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 18:57

Have you asked DD why she wants her at the party

Unfortunately, you can't fight all of your child's battles for her and two wrong's don't make a right.

I remember when my DS was small and I saw another boy kicking him on purpose, I really wanted to go and kick him on DS's behalf. I did however have a word with the boy saying "donkeys kick, you aren't a donkey are you?" The boy replied "No". I said "well keep your feet down then"

DS was about 5.

Mrsjayy · 10/02/2015 18:58

Yeah definitely make sure your daughter wants her there and the girl hasn't forced an invite

ApocalypseThen · 10/02/2015 18:59

Talk to your daughter by all means, but let her do what she wants. It's her party. Don't force her to avenge your bullies for you.

Original poster

DDDDDORA · 10/02/2015 19:02

Sorry they are age 7/8, DD is only allowed to invite 5 children to her party, I have asked her why she wants to invite her and she said as she doesn't want to upset her.
She can be nice but she has tried to isolate DD by not allowing her to play with other children this why I had to get the teacher involved as she was being very nasty when DD did play with others.
I just really want to protect her but I can't help but feel that I would be wrong to say no.

OP posts:

PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 19:04

If that's the reason then I'd ask my DD who she really liked at school and if that amounted to the 5 then I'd tell DD that's who she was having.

fluffyraggies · 10/02/2015 19:07

Oh gosh i thought this was a whole class party!

No way i'd include this bully in a group of 5. Obvious your poor DD is not having her there because she wants her there, but rather because she feels she has no choice :(

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2015 19:09

It sounds as though she is under pressure to invite her. I would ask her, does she really want to invite this girl, is it what she really wants. If yes still invite her, if no don't invite her

fluffyraggies · 10/02/2015 19:09

Don't think of it as saying no, OP, but rather that you are going to help her have who she really wants at her party.

YANBU at all.

Mrsjayy · 10/02/2015 19:13

Right tell your daughter to make a list of the girls/friends who she wants to invite first even if you suggest 5 friends not this girl though and invite those friends sounds like this girl maybe dominating your dd

Lazaretto · 10/02/2015 19:15

I wouldn't say no. I'd let the girl come and use it as an opportunity to observe how they interact so you can come up with a strategy to help your daughter in any situations that come up in future with this girl. Not inviting her to the party is short sighted. Your daughter has to see her at school everyday.

Mrsjayy · 10/02/2015 19:16

It is a bloody minefield but if there is history like you have pointed out I think I would try and encourage her to invite other friends they are all so young though this girl probably doesn't realise she is being bossy or nasty but it is ok for you to step in imo

YNK · 10/02/2015 19:21

It's a good time to talk with your DD about fake friends. Try talking with her using this 'fairy tale'

www.claudesteiner.com/fuzzy.htm

fluffyraggies · 10/02/2015 19:22

There is definitely a case for having the girl there under your nose to observe. However i find it sad to think about DD getting stressed on her actual b.day. Maybe you could organise some other play date with a few girls, including this particular one, at a later date to see how they interact together.

JudgeRinderSays · 10/02/2015 19:24

You said the teacher was involved.What does he or she make of their relationship? It's hard to be sure what is going on when you only have one side.

EverySingleTime · 10/02/2015 19:27

I left out a similar girl from a much bigger party. There was no way I was inviting someone who could be vile to dd to her party. She has been as nice as pie to dd ever since. I can't imagine why.

MrsTawdry · 10/02/2015 19:30

OP just leave her out. Those who are saying "Who'se party is it it's not your party" are misguided because you can't trust infants to make decent friendship decisions in general. If your DD was 10 I'd say otherwise perhaps.

Lazaretto · 10/02/2015 19:31

Yes good question, what does the teacher make of it all?

pharoahinthebath · 10/02/2015 19:32

When I was that sort of age I had a party and there was a girl, Lucy, who I (or rather my mum) didn't invite. Not out of any malicious reason, she just wasn't a good friend. I did invite her best friend Ann. Unfortunately Lucy took umbrage over this and got all her little gang, Ann included, to pick on me for quite some time after.

sorry - probably not what you want to hear! I still think on principle you shouldn't have to have this girl over - just keep a close eye at school, as you are already doing.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 10/02/2015 19:33

Nope, definitely do not invite the girl.

I had a similar thing with DS. I actually banned him from inviting the bully boy. Pandering to bullies, appeasing bullies, is bad for them and bad for you. I made DS invite the people he liked not the people who would kick off if he excluded them. We talked about the importance of never rewarding bullies, even if it causes trouble in the short-term.

Everything worked out fine. DS had a lovely birthday. Bully got over it.

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