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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want this child in my home?

40 replies

DDDDDORA · 10/02/2015 18:48

DD is friends (I use the term friends loosely) with a girl at school, girl can be nice but is mostly unkind to DD and sometimes is just nasty.
DD often comes out of school saying girl has done/said this to me today, their teacher is involved that is how often incidents happen. This has obviously given me quite a negative view of the girl.
DD is having a birthday party soon at home and wants to invite this girl, I really don't want her to come. I am worried that she will ruin things for DD.
A bit of background about me I was seriously bullied for 5 years when I was at school and this brings back bad memories for me.
Am I being unreasonable to say no to this girl or should I let DD have who she wants to her party?

OP posts:

Lazaretto · 10/02/2015 19:35

I wouldn't class 7/8 years old as infants. They are children and they do have to learn to negotiate their own relationships with some guidance of course. It's her birthday, she should be able to invite whoever she wants. If this girl does ruin it for her then maybe she will reconsider her decision to invite her. Our job is to prepare them for future relationships, Imo taking an authoritarian stance doesn't give her any autonomy and probably mirrors her relationship with this girl. Children need self esteem to negotiate their relationships and that means she has to feel she is part of decision.

Lazaretto · 10/02/2015 19:36

You have to remember it is not you who has a relationship with this girl. It is your daughter.

MrsTawdry · 10/02/2015 19:37

Laz I completely disagree. At 7/8 ok they're not infants but they're still very, very young.

Why on earth should OP have this child in her home when she's bullied her DD?

Her child hasn't got the life experience yet to make that call.

Lazaretto · 10/02/2015 19:48

And she won't gain any life experience to make the call of you make it for her. Who's going to help her deal with this girl every day at school...probably no one. She will be on her tod so...teach her in a safe environment. It's not really about social rules and principles...adult perspectives are very very different from children's. They have their own peer culture. It's not the same as yours. She needs to navigate it herself in order to be socially competent.

bonbonbonbon · 10/02/2015 19:51

I don't think you would be unreasonable to not invite this girl. If the only reason your daughter wants to invite her is to keep the peace, or to keep the girl from giving her a hard time, then I think you do need to step in and make sure the girl is not invited.

Some might think I'm exaggerating here but I think it is a poor lesson for a young girl to learn that if someone is bullying her, that she must be nice to that person and invite them into her home in order to placate them. I really don't think that will help in the future when it's a boy instead of a girl, and it's a date instead of a birthday party. Your dd needs to learn to set boundaries based on her comfort level, not based on the bully's needs/wants.

Original poster

DDDDDORA · 10/02/2015 19:55

The teacher wasn't surprised when we went in to see her, she had noticed that this girl was quite possessive of DD and had already started separating them in class as this girl would always sit next to/make DD sit next to her.
I don't class this girl as a bully because I'm not sure if it can be bullying at their age?
I have asked DD to write list of who her favourite people are to play with and in what order hopefully this will highlight if she really wants her to come or not.
I do understand that I can't fight her battles and that she has to deal with this in her own way but I don't want her birthday party ruined.

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 10/02/2015 19:59

In a group of 5? No way. Do you think she wants to invite this girl to avoid further bullying? As bonbon said, it would be a better life lesson for her to learn that she doesn't have to pander to bullies, rather than give in for the easy life. I disagree that you should let her make her own decision on this. She might be quite relieved to be able to use the excuse "mum said no" rather than it being on her head. And while children do need to learn to negotiate relationships, protecting my child from bullying, especially in her own home, take precedence in my opinion.

SugarOnTop · 10/02/2015 20:08

your home - her home - is meant to be a safe haven, a sanctuary for your dd. somewhere she doesn't have to put up with the bullying, pressure and manipulations from this girl. why are you even 'considering' allowing this child into your home - especially as your dd teacher has gone out of her way to physically separate them due to the effect this bully has on your dd?!

why are you even giving your dd a casting vote in the matter after she's told you she's only thinking of inviting her because she feels under pressure? all this bully will do is ruin your dd birthday, then once back at school she will no doubt make fun of dd birthday party/home etc

Lazaretto · 10/02/2015 20:20

You do realise the OP has no control over this other girl...not inviting her to the party is not going to change her behaviour towards her daughter. If anything it will probably cause more issues. Her daughter need to be happy with whatever decision is made. I agree if she doesn't want her there then don't invite her...but being principled is really not going to make any sense to 7/8 year olds when you are dealing with this level of complexity.

nicenewdusters · 10/02/2015 20:33

I think it's a case of you allowing your daughter not to feel she has to invite somebody who is making her unhappy. If you know she's only inviting her to keep the peace I believe inviting her would be a very negative message.

I also agree that home should be a haven. I don't think you'll learn anything about the way she acts towards your daughter at the party. I imagine she'll be all sweetness and light - when you're in the room at least.

Ultimately you have very little control over what happens at school, which is what is so frustrating for you and your daughter. However, you have 100% control at home, so give your daughter some of this, by showing her she need only invite real friends.

From what I've observed, not being invited to parties can have quite an effect on the "nasty" girl in the class.

Original poster

DDDDDORA · 10/02/2015 21:03

So I have the list and this girl features low down, outside of the top 10. I chatted to her and explained that no matter how nice she is to her and how much she does things to make her happy it might not change how she is towards her. I also explained that her party should be about what she wants and will make her happy not this girl.
DH was reading a bedtime story to her when she blurted out that she really didn't want this girl to come, so he asked who she wanted to come and those are the girls we are going to invite.
I feel better because I now know how she really feels, I am going to chat with the teacher again see how things are going and see if there is a way to separate them at either break or lunch a couple times of the week.
Thanks for the advice, it helped me to set my demons to one side and think more clearly

OP posts:

Lazaretto · 10/02/2015 21:04

Great outcome :)

Mrsjayy · 10/02/2015 21:21

Great it is sorted your dd knows you are on her side that it is ok to not play with invite so she can deal with it better at school I think you have helped her realise this girl isn't being a good friend at the moment

minginjean · 10/02/2015 21:22

I agree with Lazaretto, empowering your daughter now will give her the metal she needs to deal with future peer issues, which as we all know will definitely come down the road.

Mrsjayy · 10/02/2015 21:23

Oh my post was a bit barbled but you get the gist

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