Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be paranoid about OH's persistent ex?

100 replies

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 14:25

Name change for this one, sorry but I post on here too often.

Currently expecting a baby with my partner, we have been together for 18 months. This is his first baby, not my first.

When we first got together, it very quickly became glaringly obvious that there was a persistent (psycho if I am allowed to use that word) ex of his.
She used to call him all hours, and send him messages.
He would show me the messages, none of them were sexual, all just stupid things like she had issues with her husband (she is now married with children) and that she needed someone to talk to blah blah.

At first I kind of let it slide, he had put her on loudspeaker a couple of times and it didn't bother me, he clearly had nothing to hide.

Roll on a couple of months in to the relationship and she started doing really nasty things. Taking pictures from my social media accounts, putting them on hers and slagging me off with nasty comments.
It soon became clear that she didn't want him as a friend, but instead wanted him back and was jealous.

My partner blocked her from his phone, social media.
She started calling him from another number, and he told her not to contact him again.

She still was friends with one of his friends, we all went out one night and one of those friends 'tagged' us in a place. She turned up.
She didn't say anything, but walked past several times.
Later on that night, the friend told me she had been writing lots of nasty stuff about me again on social media. I was pissed off, but wasn't rising to it.

A few weeks later, she tried to add me on Facebook, under another name (her company name) I declined the request.

She then text my partner on his birthday (at this point the IOS update hadn't included texts when blocking someone)
He ignored her and she text again, asking why he was ignoring her.
He ignored her again.

Roll on another few months, and we are pregnant.
I suspect she has got wind of this from somewhere, and on Saturday night at 1am we receive a constant ringing of the phone from a witheld number.
Partner whacks his phone and goes back to sleep.
I'm awake and I know who this is.

The next morning I said to him I am going to ask our friend to look up on Twitter to see if she was out (drunk) the night before.
Guess what? Selfies posted within 10 minutes of the call.

I am right to be paranoid about this?

I feel low enough as it is being pregnant and getting bigger, without the added annoyance of this woman in the background.

She isn't exactly stalking us, but she is trying to keep herself in his mindset.

He is adamant he cannot stand her. They never lived together, they were together for a year (back in the mid 2000's) and then she met her husband.
She slept with my partner whilst she was with her husband, and I suspect my partner being a single man back then, may have given her the impression they were going to be together (when he admits, that was never going to be the case)

She is in her late 30s, married as said, and lives about 3 miles from us.

We have never personally met and spoken.

Advice?

OP posts:
PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 19:39

*her

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 19:42

Yep she was on loud speaker when he told her to stop contacting him, also her text messages said "why you ignoring me"

I've seen the messages to her husband too,

He defo isn't a rat, I trust him implicitly and know he would not cheat on me, he has not contacted her behind my back I am sure.

He can't stand her.

She actually slags him off on social media, which is weird too

What else don't add up and I will explain,

OP posts:
maddening · 10/02/2015 19:44

If you want more evidence you could set recorders on your phones and take the call?

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 19:45

I wonder if she would actually speak or if she is just calling late to piss me off? I don't know, I really don't the whole thing is just annoying me so badly.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/02/2015 19:49

OP, I am not catching any whiff of "rat" here, and I have a very sensitive nose Wink . Good luck with it, sounds horrible.

PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 19:50

He can't stand her - well he quite liked sleeping with her at one point. He probably did lead her on that's why she slags him off on social media, and he probably saw her far more than he's letting on.

I'm not saying this is what he's doing, but it has been known for a man to tell someone to "pretend" nothing is going on.

This stuff if all "message" based.

I would actually call it now (but that's me).

How does he have the husbands number?

If I were your partner I would go with him and pop a note in the door or ask to meet him in person.

Shrekandprincessfiona · 10/02/2015 19:54

So they dated in early 2000 and have they have shagged at point after she was married. This women has essentially scared or put off his previous girlfriends and she has also turned up to places when you have been out.

This is not right and has gone beyond what is acceptable. Think about this; If your DP has spoken to her, you both have not responded to the calls etc and you have even asked that her DH intervenes and it still has not stopped, then you now need to take the next step. Contact the police and/or soliciter now. Personally, if she has been doing this for well over a decade then the chances are, she will not stop she will just think of more devious ways to make contact unless there is some sort of injunction.

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 19:54

Facebook messaged the husband (who blanked him)

He slept with her because he said she was single and she handed it to him on a plate - don't worry I've made myself clear on how I think he is a cunt for that. he did lead her on and that was wrong, believe me he regrets it now and also did when it causes the demise of his last relationship. I think he is very keen to make sure it doesn't happen again and I know he loves me. He has never wanted children with anyone before and he has never lived with anyone before (except me).

I believe him and I have not seen any evidence on his side to see he has been dishonest, infact he has been very open with all messages etc

OP posts:
PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 19:55

*if he was my partner

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 19:57

Shrek yes I a nutshell.

I just think I got complacent as it was quiet and thought the baby news might have set her off?

OP posts:
PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 20:00

We reap what we sow then (where your partner is concerned, not you). Unfortunately you are caught in the middle of all this. It's not your fault your partner is a shit.

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 20:01

Well he was a shit! He's good now, but yes, I'm now caught up in it.

OP posts:
Shrekandprincessfiona · 10/02/2015 20:01

I don't smell a rat either AF

The women is unhinged!

OP I think the note idea is a good one.

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 20:01

So pop a note to her or the husband?

OP posts:
PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 20:02

There isnt enough for a police intervention.

But you could suggest it to your partner.

MoanCollins · 10/02/2015 20:02

I don't smell a rat at all. As we would all be saying if this was a woman, a misjudged one night stand with an ex does not give that ex a right to stalk and harrass you.

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 20:03

Thanks ladies, I know he is not lying, he is a really decent partner to me, I guess we all make mistakes and trust me he is so embarrassed and frustrated that she is upsetting me too, he hates me feeling like this and I know he would change it if he could.

OP posts:
PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 20:05

If you and your partner is solid there really is no more to do than you have already done. Another year or so of silence will probably work.

MoanCollins · 10/02/2015 20:06

I suspect also that there isn't enough for police intervention, but I know two people who have injunctions which are largely based on internet communications and I think that would the best route forward. If I have the right end of the stick they can also ban people mentioning you online as well as contacting you.

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 20:07

Pretty I really hope so!

We are very solid, he's an amazing stepdad and a fantasroc partner, the only issue is the ex!

OP posts:
PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 20:09

I'd actually turn it around and give a wry smile if or when it happens again. Give it another year and you will probably hear nothing more.

MoanCollins · 10/02/2015 20:10

The only other thing I can think of is that your husband goes and directly confronts her husband. He is probably ignoring this because pretending it isn't happening gives him a quiet life while you take the flack. If your husband confronts him he might be embarrassed into giving in.

PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 20:12

The way you write about it, its a nuisance rather than a stalking issue.

Just ignore. You have the man and the baby on the way.

PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 20:15

Unless you do what Moan says (believe me, it could be something I'd do too)

Just laugh about the "nutter" that wants him.

Shrekandprincessfiona · 10/02/2015 20:22

This thread is about the psycho ex not about the OP's DP....I am pretty sure that he regrets even having met her!