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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be paranoid about OH's persistent ex?

100 replies

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 14:25

Name change for this one, sorry but I post on here too often.

Currently expecting a baby with my partner, we have been together for 18 months. This is his first baby, not my first.

When we first got together, it very quickly became glaringly obvious that there was a persistent (psycho if I am allowed to use that word) ex of his.
She used to call him all hours, and send him messages.
He would show me the messages, none of them were sexual, all just stupid things like she had issues with her husband (she is now married with children) and that she needed someone to talk to blah blah.

At first I kind of let it slide, he had put her on loudspeaker a couple of times and it didn't bother me, he clearly had nothing to hide.

Roll on a couple of months in to the relationship and she started doing really nasty things. Taking pictures from my social media accounts, putting them on hers and slagging me off with nasty comments.
It soon became clear that she didn't want him as a friend, but instead wanted him back and was jealous.

My partner blocked her from his phone, social media.
She started calling him from another number, and he told her not to contact him again.

She still was friends with one of his friends, we all went out one night and one of those friends 'tagged' us in a place. She turned up.
She didn't say anything, but walked past several times.
Later on that night, the friend told me she had been writing lots of nasty stuff about me again on social media. I was pissed off, but wasn't rising to it.

A few weeks later, she tried to add me on Facebook, under another name (her company name) I declined the request.

She then text my partner on his birthday (at this point the IOS update hadn't included texts when blocking someone)
He ignored her and she text again, asking why he was ignoring her.
He ignored her again.

Roll on another few months, and we are pregnant.
I suspect she has got wind of this from somewhere, and on Saturday night at 1am we receive a constant ringing of the phone from a witheld number.
Partner whacks his phone and goes back to sleep.
I'm awake and I know who this is.

The next morning I said to him I am going to ask our friend to look up on Twitter to see if she was out (drunk) the night before.
Guess what? Selfies posted within 10 minutes of the call.

I am right to be paranoid about this?

I feel low enough as it is being pregnant and getting bigger, without the added annoyance of this woman in the background.

She isn't exactly stalking us, but she is trying to keep herself in his mindset.

He is adamant he cannot stand her. They never lived together, they were together for a year (back in the mid 2000's) and then she met her husband.
She slept with my partner whilst she was with her husband, and I suspect my partner being a single man back then, may have given her the impression they were going to be together (when he admits, that was never going to be the case)

She is in her late 30s, married as said, and lives about 3 miles from us.

We have never personally met and spoken.

Advice?

OP posts:
ApprenticeViper · 10/02/2015 15:31

There's a world of difference between him wanting to sleep with her when he was single, before he got together with you, and now, when he is very much with you and you're having a baby together! If she can't get her head around that, plus him having told her to fuck off, then I really think it's time he went to the police with this.

Changing her education history on facebook and trying to add your friends is very very weird.

I think it's gone beyond the two of you going to talk to her - this would be better left to the police to do. I'm just hoping that there isn't a little bit of your DP that is liking the drama and attention, just a little bit. I'm sorry if I'm way wrong, but I can't think of any other reason for him not having gone to the police sooner, especially when she has been the cause of relationship break-ups in the past, and she physically assaulted one of his past girlfriends!

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 15:40

ApprenticeViper

You're spot on actually, I think historically he liked the attention.
None of his other girlfriends were serious, so he never blocked her / deterred her. I think the moment he blocked her was when he realised he wanted to be with me long term (not trying to sound big headed at all!)
I know he really loves me, I don't think he ever loved her (from what he says) just that she was there when he was single, and she basically threw herself at him (this is no excuse!)

The way he sees it is that he has done nothing wrong, he was single.
It annoys me that he would sleep with a married woman, but from his point of view he says that he has no loyalty to her husband (after all, she split with my partner and pretty much moved straight in with her husband)

I think there is some resentment, bitterness and 'what if' about the way that she behaves, like she wishes she could have him, but can't

I do wonder even if she did have him if she would really want him?

Does that make sense?

She certainly has issues, I do partly feel sorry for her, but I wouldn't continue to make a fool of myself.

I totally believe that my partner has had no contact with her, her last messages even say why do you keep ignoring me etc

But I do think in the past he thought it was flattering / funny, but now it is has carried on too long.

Saturday night I was livid, he was like there is no proof it is her, although suspicious, just ignore her.

Pisses me right off.

If it happens again, I will defo be reporting.

OP posts:
ApprenticeViper · 10/02/2015 15:51

Your DP has only made two mistakes:

  1. Sleeping with her when he was single
  2. Not reporting her to the police sooner

I do wonder even if she did have him if she would really want him? This makes sense, but I'm not sure it applies. She was still chasing your DP when he was single (when he slept with her after she was very persisent), so it's not just a "someone else has got him and I want him" thing. If she left him alone when he was single and only wanted him when he was with someone else, then your question would be more valid.

She might just be one of those serial cheater women, who, no matter who they're with/living with/married to, cannot seem to stop themselves cheating.

Or she could just be a psycho bitch Confused Either way, this behaviour needs to stop now. The stress is not healthy for you or your baby.

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 15:53

I agree, I am tearful enough as it is without her added to the mix.

It was all nice and quiet for a while! It does seem she pipes up when life isn't going too good for her.

I am still baffled as to why her husband doesn't intervene too.

He is on her social media friends list and can see exactly what she posts.

OP posts:
LumpenproletariatAndProud · 10/02/2015 15:57

You're both pregnant?

WorraLiberty · 10/02/2015 15:57

Surely all this drama could be avoided if your DP just changes his phone number?

She sounds deranged but he should take this simple step to stop her from phoning him.

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 15:57

LumpenproletariatAndProud

No, i'm pregnant, she is not (as far as I am aware?)

OP posts:
Psychoex · 10/02/2015 15:59

WorraLiberty the issue with this is work - it's his main contact number, it's in the media and it's easy for anyone to find it.

(she is blocked, but can ring from other numbers of course)

He has also blocked her landline number.

OP posts:
LumpenproletariatAndProud · 10/02/2015 15:59

No, I meant you and your partner. You said we are pregnant, I was Shock thinking it was Daily Mail/Jeremy Kyle moment.

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 16:01

LumpenproletariatAndProud

haha! Sorry, figure of speech, me and OH are expecting is what I should have said Grin

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/02/2015 16:12

Oh in that case I'm fucked and have no more advice Blush

Hope she gets a hobby soon and that all this stops.

Good luck with the baby Thanks

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 16:15

Thank you!

I think the others are right, if she persists we will have to report it.

I feel sorry for her kids to be honest.

I am clearly a soft touch!

Thank you for the advice once again, it has certainly made me take the issue more seriously.

OP posts:
MoanCollins · 10/02/2015 17:32

Report it to the police. But probably the quickest and most effective way is to take civil action against her and get an injunction ordering her not to contact you, this can make it easier for criminal proceedings to take place in the future if necessary. More info here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/wales/discrimination_w/discrimination_taking_action_about_discrimination_e/ge30_taking_action_about_harassment.htm

Can you afford a solicitor?

MoanCollins · 10/02/2015 17:34

I feel sorry for her kids too. It doesn't sound like she is at all stable, I wonder what life is like for them at home?

Her husband might not be able to see what she is posting you can limit who can see.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/02/2015 17:39

I was going to post saying my husband had one like that (she broke into his garden and started banging on the back door early on in our relationship) and she eventually went away when it became clear he wasn't going back to her but having read your op it is clearly much more serious and has been going on far longer.

I agree with others who have said you should get it logged.

MoanCollins · 10/02/2015 18:13

Have your friends who have seen what she has been posting on social media saved copies of it? If not ask them to start and send them on to you.

x2boys · 10/02/2015 18:54

I,m not sure phoning the police ( non emergency number obviously)is over the top if it was a man doing it to a women people wouldn't think it was over the top so what's the difference?

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 19:00

Husband is on her twitter don't think you can restrict view on there? Regardless it's weird!

I think you are right, we should take it more seriously. I think because it went quiet for w while I thought it was over but she's obviously got wind we are having a baby.

I don't think things are stable at home for her in relation to work, I can't say too much but she works with her husband and some odd things have gone on lately from what I have heard. I'm going to check my whatsapp as friends have sent me images on there. The main stuff I don't have though.

OP posts:
wowfudge · 10/02/2015 19:10

This woman is a stalker. She's been told her contacting your DP is not wanted yet she persists. Definitely report to the police and log anything that happens from now on.

She cannot stand being ignored so persists in making contact. Whatever you do, do not go round and see her as your DP has suggested. She will tell the police she is being harassed by you and your DP.

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 19:19

So far I have totally ignored her, I have ignored all comments and phone calls etc. I won't approach her but I will report if there is any more. She has been told numerous times not to contact him (by him).

I think I just felt it was half acceptable as he had clearly led her on when he was single. But I guess he has made it clear now so its not on.

OP posts:
PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 19:24

It all sounds a bit "close" you all know quite a bit about each other.

I'd tell my partner to tell her if she calls again then "he" will report her, not you "him". This is his mess.

Your partner is the one that needs to sort this out. I'd tell him to contact the husband again, stating exactly what's going on.

She hasn't actually said anything threatening though so not sure what the police would be able to do about it, she hasn't rung 100 times either. She's a nuisance but I don't really think she's a "bunny boiler"

Psychoex · 10/02/2015 19:30

Yep I agree.

I have never met her, I am only going on what a mutual friend has said - personally don't give a shit about her life, just want her out of mine!

Partner has not responded or spoken to her in a year now, so is been a long time of her being persistent. That being said, she did go quiet for a good few months.

OP posts:
PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 19:33

Have you actually been there when your partner has told her to go away? You have been with your partner for 18 months. He has known her for a lot longer.

PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 19:35

Were you there when he contacted the husband?

PrettyFeet · 10/02/2015 19:38

Sorry OP but some things dont actually make sense here. I think your partner may have seen here more than he's saying.

I do hope I'm wrong here by the way. I just smell a bit of a "weak" rat.