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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should help me with house stuff when I return to work.

68 replies

RocQuinoa · 09/02/2015 13:07

Bit of background. NC to avoid RL people knowing everything about me Grin
3 DC one SEN
I gave up work to care for SEN dc1- DH started off right at the bottom of the ladder at this time at work- he was very depressed and thought he'd never do well in his chosen occupation- I encouraged a work change, supported him all the way, even he has acknowledged that he wouldn't be where he is now without me .

I've singled handedly raised the children from when DC3 was born This period saw DH away from us we only saw him Friday night/Saturday, he was off on Sunday to travel to work. This lasted for seven years. DH has done really well- I've had NO help at all, no friends, family,childcare other than nursery allowed hours/school. I'm no lazy arse. I have done everything in our home from gardening/DIY/Admin/cars/decorating I also volunteer locally etc. I've wanted to support the family wholeheartedly and did so knowing it wouldn't last forever.

I've wanted to return back to work for a while but DC1 has made this tricky. We're now at the point where I can and I have accepted a job part time of 25 hours a week. Some days we don't get home till 9pm with the clubs two of the children do and life like everyone else is hectic. My concern is DH has said he is not going to help with the housework when he is home as he wants to unwind and relax - he stays away in five star hotels and everything is taken care of as you can imagine. He goes off on Monday morning (late) and returns Friday morning. AIBU to think he could help in some way now my hours will be cut back. I think I will really struggle to do work/work planning/kids extra curricular stuff/all house stuff whilst DH sleeps. I do all the weekend activities whilst dh lies on the sofa and sleeps from about 11am onwards. Seeing people we know work together even with one partner working fewer hours is making me feel resentful

I ideally want him to do at least a few hours and have told him so- he's said it's too much for him and if I don't think I can cope then I should not take the job.

AIBU- thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
RocQuinoa · 09/02/2015 13:26

Thanks for the post AF, sorry I think you've misunderstood or I had typed really badly- No what I meant by OCD is many couples that I know of where the woman is a SAHM, their DH's are very OCD and want stuff done a certain way. DH couldn't give a shit if he couldn't walk on the floors or beds weren't made. That's what I meant.

Also- We couldn't afford the money for a cleaner now so it would have to come out of my salary yes.

OP posts:
fudgeberries · 09/02/2015 13:27

He sounds like an absolute arse. I can't believe that having not seen his wife or kids all week he spends what precious little time you have together as a family taking long naps and lounging on the sofa! Does he not offer to take the kids out or anything? Does he make an effort to spend time with them. If not that would annoy me far more than the housework to be honest. What exactly is his contribution to your family life besides money? Or does he think that as he brings home the bacon nothing else is required of him? His job may well be difficult, stressful, long hours etc etc but plenty of Dad's with jobs like that still make time for their families.

If he won't get off his lazy arse to do a bit of hoovering after all the years you've spent raising his kids and supporting him to climb the career ladder then it says a lot about how much respect he has for you. Don't give up your job. You deserve something for yourself. Hire a cleaner, don't ask him, just do it. If he's going to just opt out of anything to do with running the house and leave you to it then you have the right to make that decision.

Original poster
RocQuinoa · 09/02/2015 13:27

Yes Wizard that's why I started this thread.

OP posts:
LouiseBrooks · 09/02/2015 13:28

HE wants to unwind and relax? FFS! I bet you work far harder than he does.

Get a cleaner to come during the week when he's not there so he won't even know and take it out of the housekeeping. Alternatively tell him to fuck off, but I appreciate that would be a difficult decision to make, and you'd end up having to do everything anyway.

Heels99 · 09/02/2015 13:28

You are missing the point.
Funding a cleaner would come from joint income not yours specifically.
If you know stay at home mothers whose husbands dictate to them how housework should be done, you pare mixing with step ford wives.
Do you live in 1955?

fudgeberries · 09/02/2015 13:28

Sorry, just seen you've said you couldn't afford a cleaner. In that case I would put my foot down and tell him that he needs to start helping out. If he can't do that one small thing for you i'd be seriously considering my options to be honest.

TwoOddSocks · 09/02/2015 13:28

If he doesn't want to help out he can pay for a cleaner.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 09/02/2015 13:29

It doesn't sound like a marriage or a partnership, and I don't mean as he works away, lots of families are in this situation, but work together.

The rule of thumb, IMO, for successful partnerships is (not always to divide things 50:50 as different strokes for different folks etc), but if you each have the same amount of disposable income and free time, generally this is good.

Does he, and you, and the DC, actually feel like his part of your family? He sounds like a lodger.

I wonder how long it will be before you start defending him, that's how it usually goes. He sounds selfish, wwhat sort of person wouldn't want to help their wife (or husband) out, who would want to leave all this one person's shoulders? I have DC with SN so know how hard it is.

He doesn't respect you much does he?

MaryWestmacott · 09/02/2015 13:30

Of course he doesn't want life to change - if you'd not had DCs and you'd worked full time this whole time, would he have been able to get away with doing nothing domesticated? Nope.

Also, I know many men who are married doing very long hours work who really object to a stranger coming into their home and cleaning/gardening/doing DIY while they are at work. I also know several single men who do long hours - every one of those have no problem with paying a cleaner - it's interesting he doesn't want a stranger to clean up for him, but not enough to do it himself.

Is money all he brings to the table? Not help, not spending time with his DCs, not company or support for you, not doing any of the workload of having 3 DCs (one with additional needs)....

There was a thread a few years ago where the OP had been like you, done everything domestic, her DH had worked very long hours and brought in a lot of money. But then when her DCs were early teens he'd just decided his job was too stressful and took a demotion for shorter hours, and more leisure time (note, he wasn't suddenly doing the housework, gardening or any of the running round after DCs, just more leisure time for him) but significantly less money. The OP was seriously considering leaving him, she'd signed up for an unequal partnership, but the 'deal' was clearly he should bring the money in - lots of people slated her on here, but I had a lot of sympathy with her, if your only form of contribution is finanical you can hardly be surprised that if that stops/drops you aren't seen as worth putting up with...

Original poster
RocQuinoa · 09/02/2015 13:30

Fudgeberries- yes I think that is the way I am going. I've actually been incredibly lonely just me and the children-I need the job for company.

Yes he takes them and us out, most weekends after he has rested and the kids are clubbed out. DC1 cannot really go out anyway with any frequency unless he knows in advance so DH will stay with him whilst I drive the other dcs to their clubs.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 09/02/2015 13:34

oh and another judge of time pressures to see if he's pulling his weight with the children enough to have a decent relationship with them: the 'basic' child access arrangment for a divorced non-resident parent (that lots of men complain about not being anywhere near enough) is every other weekend and one night in the week. Look at the amount of time your DH spends with your DCs, does he spend less time with them (not just being in the same house while he sleeps and you looking after them) than if he was divorced and had the basic access?

If being divorced could lead to him spending more time with his children than he does now, then something is very, very wrong in the way he uses his non-work time.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 13:34

he works all these hours but you couldn't afford a cleaner for a couple of hours a week?

is he using work to opt out of family life ?

and yes, a cleaner would come out of joint funds

clam · 09/02/2015 13:35

How much leisure time do you have, compared with him? Including his downtime in his 5* hotel?

basgetti · 09/02/2015 13:35

I'd be annoyed that a job which allows him to live it up in 5 star hotels all week whilst you do everything doesn't pay enough to afford a cleaner.

Original poster
RocQuinoa · 09/02/2015 13:36

We have a lot of bills.

I'm going to fudge stuff and get a cleaner and YES I do think he is selfish. I'm going to read wifework thank you.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 13:38

Then get him to read it

goshhhhhh · 09/02/2015 13:40

No you are not. He is being an arse. My dh is not working much at the mo due to a change of circs, whilst he is doing more at home & me less (he always did something) I dont consider it his job. If I go away for work I consider it a break. Although if I do it a lot it is tedious. I think he has got out of sync with family life.

MaryWestmacott · 09/02/2015 13:43

OK - you currently can't afford a cleaner.

If he's not bringing in a lot, then he should look at moving to a different role that pays a similar amount, perhaps less 'fullfilling' but means he can spend some time with his family - he should love you and the children more than his job!

If he's in a very high paid role but you just have very big outgoings, worth looking at what you can change to mean you can survive on less, freeing up that money for paid for help, or allowing him again to take a step down/sideways workwise.

WizardOfToss · 09/02/2015 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silveroldie2 · 09/02/2015 13:49

Honestly, his behaviour is completely unacceptable. I would kick his lazy arse off the sofa and would be withdrawing labour - e.g. do not cook for him or do his washing or ironing.

I suggest you get him to read this thread so he can see what a pathetic excuse for a man he is.

Good luck with the job Flowers

Original poster
RocQuinoa · 09/02/2015 13:49

MaryWest- yes I agree with you and I know I'd be able to find the cash I guess the thought of going over his head so he doesn't know about meant I immediately thought if it went out of my salary it'd be easier to hide.

We're over paying a mortgage massively ATM.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 09/02/2015 13:49

I honestly can't see what he brings to the table other than money.
Do you control all the finances?
Do you know what he earns and where all the money goes.
I really hope so!
This kind of thing makes my blood boil it really does.

I am man, I hunt and gather
You are woman, you do home and offspring!
Ggggggrrrr...... Angry

Original poster
RocQuinoa · 09/02/2015 13:52

You can stop with the flowers everyone Smile I had told you all I think he is lazy yes, I'm afraid he has picked up some awful habits from his father and in my role as SAHM I have enabled this behaviour probably out of guilt for not working and contributing to the kitty. I know I got it all wrong it's what happns now that's important. I've been so preoccupied and busy with looking after the children, it hasn't really registered until this job.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 09/02/2015 13:55

Before I had DCs my DH worked that same pattern and we had a cleaner - as neither of us wanted to spend precious weekend time cleaning if we only saw each other for two days a week. Perhaps going against the grain, I think a cleaner is a reasonable compromise for the housework issue.

However solving the issue won't solve his attitude - he's become a visitor in his own home and a visitor to his own family. DH and I actually agreed he'd have to come home when this happened, he resigned a couple of months later and moved home, took him 6 months to find a job but he did it. I don't think your pattern is compatible with family life tbh. Either he's a good guy who has become disconnected from the reality of his life, or he's a lazy fecker who likes the fact he's become disconnected from the reality of his life.

Either way means big changes need to be made.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 13:56

It happens to a lot of women, Roc

Those life changes eg. the first child, going back to work etc often highlights the inequalities in a relationship that haven't registered beforehand. It doesn't mean you have to stick with it.