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AIBU?

To think DH should help me with house stuff when I return to work.

68 replies

RocQuinoa · 09/02/2015 13:07

Bit of background. NC to avoid RL people knowing everything about me
3 DC one SEN
I gave up work to care for SEN dc1- DH started off right at the bottom of the ladder at this time at work- he was very depressed and thought he'd never do well in his chosen occupation- I encouraged a work change, supported him all the way, even he has acknowledged that he wouldn't be where he is now without me .

I've singled handedly raised the children from when DC3 was born This period saw DH away from us we only saw him Friday night/Saturday, he was off on Sunday to travel to work. This lasted for seven years. DH has done really well- I've had NO help at all, no friends, family,childcare other than nursery allowed hours/school. I'm no lazy arse. I have done everything in our home from gardening/DIY/Admin/cars/decorating I also volunteer locally etc. I've wanted to support the family wholeheartedly and did so knowing it wouldn't last forever.

I've wanted to return back to work for a while but DC1 has made this tricky. We're now at the point where I can and I have accepted a job part time of 25 hours a week. Some days we don't get home till 9pm with the clubs two of the children do and life like everyone else is hectic. My concern is DH has said he is not going to help with the housework when he is home as he wants to unwind and relax - he stays away in five star hotels and everything is taken care of as you can imagine. He goes off on Monday morning (late) and returns Friday morning. AIBU to think he could help in some way now my hours will be cut back. I think I will really struggle to do work/work planning/kids extra curricular stuff/all house stuff whilst DH sleeps. I do all the weekend activities whilst dh lies on the sofa and sleeps from about 11am onwards. Seeing people we know work together even with one partner working fewer hours is making me feel resentful

I ideally want him to do at least a few hours and have told him so- he's said it's too much for him and if I don't think I can cope then I should not take the job.

AIBU- thank you.

OP posts:

Report

RocQuinoa · 09/02/2015 13:56

Hellsbells yes I do I see all the money and where it's going I control all the admin/finances, a huge chunk of it goes into my own private bank account actually. I'm not stupid despite what some of you may have gathered.

The other DCs couldn't do their extra curricular stuff without dc here. He is very loving to the DC and calm, they love him for his calm I am the energetic one. He is very kind and loving to me also, demonstrative physically etc- no honestly. He treats me to many things. Physically in the house- LAZY.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 13:59

I am sure he is a very loving dad

but

the pair of you are giving your kids the same lessons that he had as a child growing up

daddies are earning money but they sit on their arse when not actually doing that, mummies run around doing all the shit work for everyone

not great, eh

RocQuinoa · 09/02/2015 14:02

AF I agree with you but I hope this is set to change with me taking on this new role. The DS have to do housework the DD doesn't Call it payback.

My own father looked after me, did all the HW and was lovely to my mum- was the perfect role model dad!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 14:07

Glad to hear you are resolved in making some changes. I am not being nasty when I point out that your own language gives the game away somewhat. Read Wifework and you will see exactly what I mean. Good luck (no flowers)

RocQuinoa · 09/02/2015 14:09

I have ordered it. Thanks.

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 09/02/2015 14:16

He wouldn't be "helping" you with the house - he would be doing a small portion of his share of the housework, like an adult should.

He isn't being reasonable, or fair.

expatinscotland · 09/02/2015 14:19

'My concern is DH has said he is not going to help with the housework when he is home as he wants to unwind and relax - he stays away in five star hotels and everything is taken care of as you can imagine.'

Then he'd do it in his own place.

Would not put up with this for a second.

He sounds like a dick who sees you as a domestic appliance.

It's not 'helping', either.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 09/02/2015 15:11

You sound like you're going to sort this out OP, so good for you.

When DH was SAHP (DC with SN too) and I worked long hours, I wouldn't have dreamt of not chipping in at the weekend. Christ, it would be like when you're a child and your parent (not mum!) hoovers around you, saying "move your legs!"

It can feel real a real drudge with DC (especially with SN), same thing, week in week out, you need a break.

In fact, I bet you'd love to have a week in a five star hotel, even if you were working - imagine coming back to a lovely room with a big bed and a minibar AND NO CHILDREN!

Time for a "wife swap" style experiment for you two for a week!

RocQuinoa · 09/02/2015 19:40

Y

OP posts:

RocQuinoa · 09/02/2015 19:41

YIDMTBSR. I do get to have breaks. I have weekends away. I love them.

OP posts:

TendonQueen · 09/02/2015 19:52

If you're making sizeable overpayments on the mortgage, then you can afford a cleaner, you are just choosing to use your money differently. Reduce the amount you are overpaying and use it on a cleaner. This shouldn't stop him doing any housework, though; it's just to make it manageable. He still needs to pull his weight. I would be playing loud music and/or hoovering when he lies on the sofa for his Lord Muck weekend naps, too.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 20:07

Making overpayments on your mortgage to the detriment of your family life doesn't seem the right thing to do.

If you want to go back to work and a cleaner would ease the way, do it.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2015 20:09

I work 4 days a week with some weekends on top and don't have a cleaner. My H works 5 days and is sometimes away all week. But there are 3 able bodied adults and one almost-adult living in the house so the shitwork gets shared out. Between all of us.

RocQuinoa · 10/02/2015 14:38

Thanks for your feedback. I had a chat with him about stuff yesterday and he was apologetic and told me I shouldn't take the job IF everything will be a strain when alone and we should rejig the finances to get a cleaner (shock!)- he also apologised for his hands off approach at the weekends and he is going to plan stuff for us to do together. He said he doesn't do much as I always criticise his attempts at stuff (pretty lame) We shall see what happens in the next few days.
I asked about the possibility of cutting away time from work and he's going to ask. That seemed easier than I thought. Looking forward to my book coming.

OP posts:

TheHermitCrab · 10/02/2015 14:46

I disagree with you, I think your OH is a pig. He's a pig for even thinking he has the choice of telling you he will not be doing housework, thinks it is your job and your domain that he can chose to contribute to or not.

That before any of the other shit would be enough for me. I'm nobodies keeper. Me and OH are a team. I'm on maternity leave and as soon as OH comes home from work he either feeds the little un or makes food or does some chores. THEN he has his wind down time with me.

TheHermitCrab · 10/02/2015 14:47

Glad he's making some changes OP

RocQuinoa · 10/02/2015 14:48

That's nice Hermit.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 10/02/2015 14:55

That's a good update Roc let's hope he comes up with the goods.

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