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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up that h is ill on his days off?

38 replies

Usernamerunningout · 08/02/2015 21:24

Since Christmas my h has been feeling run down, nothing major but tired, headache, sore throat etc.

He works 4 days a week and has the weekends and a different day during the week off each week. He has been going into work every day, but every day he's not at work he's either been on the sofa or in bed. He is not partaking in family life at all.

In the beginning I had sympathy, then advised that he saw doc, and I am now fed up.

Yet another weekend he has done nothing with the family or around the house.

I work mon-fri.

If he's too ill to do anything at home I say he needs to either stay off work and recouperate properly and/or see the GP, otherwise if he can manage to work he can do stuff around the house (put on a load of washin, stack the dishwasher etc)

AIBU and should I be more sympathetic?

OP posts:
itiswhatitiswhatitis · 08/02/2015 21:27

DO you think he's depressed? I think it's reasonable now to expect him to see his GP and get checked over. In fact I would insist on it

esiotrot2015 · 08/02/2015 21:27

He sounds depressed ?
Tbh if he's going to work is leave it
At least he's got an income coming in

DorothyBastard · 08/02/2015 21:28

What is his answer when you suggest to him that he should either be recuperating properly or participating?

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 08/02/2015 21:28

Really? I wouldn't leave it. The OP works to but doesn't get to spend the weekend on the sofa or in bed

Original poster
Usernamerunningout · 08/02/2015 21:31

When I mention participating he just complains about how ill he is. When I suggest he recouperates he says he'll see how he is in the morning, then dependent if work day or not he's better or still ill!

OP posts:
Brandysnapper · 08/02/2015 21:31

I've spent the weekend in bed (mostly) as am feeling very ill. May well be off tomorrow, but work can make it very difficult to be off. Is he experiencing particular stress from work? That can lead to illness but also worries about falling behind if he's off.

DoJo · 08/02/2015 21:32

An income isn't everything - if he is unable to participate in family life and pull his weight around the house, I would have thought he would want to get better as soon as possible.

OnlyTheWelshCanCwtch · 08/02/2015 21:34

Ive been feeling crap all weekend and have slept loads.
I haven't participated in family stuff either
I have to go to work this week though as I will receive another written warning if Im off sick again so have been resting as much as possible so I can hopefully get through the week

Original poster
Usernamerunningout · 08/02/2015 21:34

He has suffered from depression in the past, but I've asked him if he is depressed, stressed, worried about anything nope just a list of ailments.

OP posts:
LittleBrownRabbit · 08/02/2015 21:36

He really needs to see his GP if he's feeling ill so much. I was like this a few years ago and it transpired I was serverely anaemic and needed Vit B12 injections. I'd be encouraging him to see his GP as there may be an underlying cause for him feeling ill.

DoJo · 08/02/2015 21:38

Is it the same ailment every time, or does it vary? Has he seen a GP at all? Being so unwell that you have to spend 3 days a week in bed for six weeks requires some sort of medical attention IMO.

Cheby · 08/02/2015 21:39

YANBU OP. he should either go to GP and get checked out or get off his arse and participate.

My DH is doing something similar at the moment. He woke me up at 1am because he felt unwell, it was my lie in day and his weekend night to get up with DD (I did Fri night/ sat morning so he could sleep). I got 3 hours kip, he then proceeded to spend the entire day in bed while I ran round after a grumpy toddler, did the weeks worth of laundry and housework and got bags ready for work/nursery. I do bath, bedtime etc single handed and get her to sleep. He is then magically well enough to come downstairs to watch TV and have tea and biscuits. 2 hrs on and there is now nothing wrong with him. It's not the first time either.

CountingThePennies · 08/02/2015 21:40

My dh is like this.

We have moved house several times and when there is loads of packing to do he always has a really bad headache were he apparently needs to lie down!

On his days off he is always really tired and lies on the sofa etc.

I think they do it to get out of doing stuff

Original poster
Usernamerunningout · 08/02/2015 21:40

List is the same but emphasis of which is the main one changes. He refuses to take any form of medication eg paracetamol for headache or see GP. I see it as refusing to help himself hence my lack of sympathy.

OP posts:
IceniMist · 08/02/2015 21:43

I work a full week in four days. At the weekends I can barely get off the sofa. Had all the blood tests going, rheumathoid appointments, gastro appointments. Nothing. I am now forcing myself to fit in running and do feel better, which I think rules out the cfs they keep saying. but I often feel like a zombie. Im not doing it because I don't want to participate, I can't. I have achy feelings, sore throats and headaches all the time.

dancingwitch · 08/02/2015 21:45

My DP can do this occasionally and it infuriates me. I think it is down to two things, firstly the fact that he is the only one who performs his role at work & it is very difficult when he has time off, particularly unexpectedly whereas at home he can take a day off & I just get on with it & pick up the pieces and secondly that, for the first ten or more years of his working life, that was a perfectly adequate way of coping as all he missed out on was his social life, sport etc & hasn't really realised that life has changed!

Original poster
Usernamerunningout · 08/02/2015 21:46

Has anything been suggested Ice?

How do you feel at work?

OP posts:
IceniMist · 08/02/2015 21:46

I was going to add, does he have form for laziness or do you trust him? In the week I do most of the chores and cooking, but I'm hit by something when I stop.

Tutt · 08/02/2015 21:46

I'm the same at the moment, I work then come home and sleep/rest. Have done for the last 8 weeks, doing anything/going out just makes me feel worse (inner ear problem and spinal damage).
I wouldn't dream of not going to work but it uses all my energy.
Don't jump to the depression conclusion but try and encourage him to see your GP.

Original poster
Usernamerunningout · 08/02/2015 21:50

He admits he needs instructions, so normally if I ask him to do a specific chore hell do it but if I don't he won't. For example he'll step over a pile of washing until I ask him to put it in the machine. Then before this illness he would without complaint.

OP posts:
IceniMist · 08/02/2015 21:51

User, cfs was suggested. At work I am fine, but do take painkillers for headaches. It's when I am not at work. But exercise has helped and taking vit d and making myself go out. The moment I give in to tiredness and zombiness I lose.

IceniMist · 08/02/2015 21:53

And a virus. I was told it could be that.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 08/02/2015 21:57

YANBU .
My DH is like this too.
It has driven me potty today.
Iv had the most horrid hormonal migraine but DH has been complaining and yawning over I don't know what really.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 08/02/2015 22:06

He's being a lazy arse. I bet if you were ill, you'd still carry on.

Have a word. Don't go in all guns blazing, as he'll retreat. Point out how much extra you need to do and that you want him well. He must see the gp. If he won't, then have a go.

unlucky83 · 08/02/2015 22:24

I get this but I am a SAHM/work from home pt and DP is full time...
I think some of it is now DD1 is a teen he doesn't really know what to do with her ...and doesn't think it is fair to just do something with DD2 (there are 6 yrs between them) so he does nothing....and not feeling well is a bit of an excuse...(often he picks up enough to go and visit his friend or pop into the gym - the sauna makes him feel better...Hmm)
Since Jan and the Dcs have been back at school he has taken 3 weeks holiday - didn't have to but has -so he has 2 weeks left for the whole year till next Dec...one week booked in July for a family holiday...
He has been on holiday for the last 2 weeks and he has spent the whole time complaining he is ill - there is a nasty cold going round - I've had it too- still do but getting better...but I've still got the DCs off to school, activities, baths, homework, all the household stuff and my work etc etc. He has spent the majority of the time taking mountains of meds and complaining, getting under my feet and resting in bed ...but then feels well enough to pop to the shops at 3pm until 6.30pm ...
His classic last week - I said I was feeling really awful..he said why don't you have an early night? After you have picked DD2 up from her activity, take her upstairs with you, get her ready for bed and then you can both go to bed together Angry
Also when he announced he was taking holiday I told him it would be better if he was off this coming week - DCs are on holiday for 3 days - and he said it was too late to change it..
And he has two days off a week - next week he is off Mon,Tue - DCs holiday starts on Wed...(and DD1 had an important Dr appt on Fri - he says he can't get that day off - so I'll have to get someone to mind DD2 for me - or take her with me...)
I really think it is a case of he can't be bothered and being ill is an excuse...but I would suggest your DH goes to see the GP ...and if he refuses then have a go...

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