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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my exH to keep some clothes for his DSs?

62 replies

ProbablyMe · 08/02/2015 18:24

Is it unreasonable of me to expect my exH to purchase some clothes to keep at his house for our 4 DSs?

Once again they have returned from their eow contact and he has told me that he and his DP didn't have time to wash their dirty clothes and has sent them all back. Our maintenance agreement via the CMS deducts money according to how many days a year he has them so I think he should get them some stuff for when they are in residence with him! I'm bloody fed up of having three loads of washing (three of them are over 6'1" tall so big clothes!) sent back every time they go when I've sent them off with clean!! He says I should supply him with clothes to keep there but I can't afford to buy them clothes that they can't wear 12 days out of every 14!

Who is U?

OP posts:

confused79 · 09/02/2015 09:56

Stepkids mum buys their clothing, even though they are at that age where they tend to buy their own now (using birthday money, vouchers etc..), but wear to ours, bring spares etc.... Whatever is left here at end of week I was and leave in their room, and whatever partner buys is probably taken to their mums. We don't really think about it tbh. The only thing I do find a bit off is them sending the dirty clothes for you to clean, seems petty. Besides your kids clothes are their property, not yours, so they can take where they like I.e your exes.

confused79 · 09/02/2015 09:56

*wash

veryseriousgirl · 09/02/2015 10:08

My BIL's ex wife sends their DS to him with the clothes on his back and nothing more. BIL buys clothes for their DS to wear whilst at his house and sends him back in the clothes he arrived in (admittedly he does wash them).

It's not the most cheerful way to do things, but it does force the issue. And it's great for us as we get loads of hardly-worn hand-me-downs for our DS.

fluffymouse · 09/02/2015 10:22

probably I'm sorry you are having a hard time, but your DSS doing their own washing will not make the washing machine have a breakdown. Just teach them to do only load the machine when they have a full load. Or ask them to load the machine with communal clothes if you are that worried. Have a rota. They are more than old enough to help, and this seems to be stressing you a lot.

Hamiltoes · 09/02/2015 10:39

Perpetuates the old fashioned idea that washing and everyday DC stuff is mums job.

Nope! Perpetrates the idea that teenagers should do their own washing.

And as for load always being half full, I wasn't allowed to stick a half full load on so I went to the washing basket and took some of my mums or brothers non-urgent stuff or towels from the bathroom to fill it up. Stuck the duvet covers in with it.

Its not rocket science, its called family. Its the same amount of washing wether you do it or your sons do it.

And the whole "dads are immune from washing" is a complete non argument. Maybe if more people got their grown sons to do washing more dads wouldn't be so bloody incompetent.

And, if you really want to go down that route, I actually don't agree that its a mum and dad thing where dad gets to do x and mum gets to do y. Its a primary carer thing. You are their primary carer, the fact you are their mother is a non-issue.

DoraGora · 09/02/2015 10:40

Why can't the children put some clothes in the washing machine at mums house, or better yet, carry their stuff into, and use local the laundry. They'd soon be asking to use the machines at home.

Sethspeaks · 09/02/2015 10:49

Of course it isn't unreasonable to expect a parent to provide the things that their children need. Makes no difference in my book whether they are with you for two days or two weeks. There's a reduction in maintenance to allow for this.

There is no reason why he can't have a few things at his that he can wash after they have gone. He has a whole fortnight to get it done.

Sounds like you've been having a really tough time And if he is still being an arse over a few clothes and a bit of washing that speaks volumes about him.

Micah · 09/02/2015 10:49

There's no way I'd get 3 loads of washing washed and dried in the space of a weekend.

Although having a hard time imagining how they manage to produce that much in 2 days. I do 3 loads a week for a family of 4.

If clothes needed washing why don't they simply leave them at their dads to be washed for the next weekend instead of bringing them home to you?

Momagain1 · 10/02/2015 00:11

The children don't have to do their own individual loads of laundry, but 3 of them are more than old enough to be doing a rota of work including laundry, and the 11 year old should be someone's assistant and in the rota before the year is out. Your workload as mum should be already well reduced, and if their dad has a machine, they could wash their own clothes if time permits there. The laundry is an ongoing chore anyway, once the clothes are added to the pile does it really matter where that minority of items was dirtied?

PtolemysNeedle · 10/02/2015 07:58

I get that it's frustrating having to be the only parent that does the not to nice stuff about parenting, I'm a single parent as well. But doing all of that is the price we pay for getting to be the parent that actually lives with our children and being able to see them every day.

You make it sound like you have the rough end of the deal here, but would you really want to swop with your ex and only see your own children every other weekend? I know I wouldn't.

Tattiesthroughthebree · 10/02/2015 08:06

When mine were 17 and 15 they shared a laundry basket and did their own washing; if one didn't have enough for a full load, they'd make it up with some of the other one's clothes. The exception was whites - I did all the whites because the DCs would never have had enough for a full load of whites, so I did those along with ours. Younger DC washed her bedding fortnightly, older DC not nearly so often, but I didn't enquire too closely!

They're both at Uni now so they have to do it all themselves. Having got into a routine whilst at home made going to Uni an easier transition.

velvetspoon · 10/02/2015 08:44

My DSs have known how to operate a washing machine since they were 9-10. Now at 16 and 13 they're quite capable of putting a wash pn for the whole family and regularly do as I work ft and am out for long hours every day. I'd feel a bit of a failure if neither of them was capable of sorting and putting on a wash and hanging it out after by their age.

I agree entirely all this my ex should...etc is SUCH a waste of energy. My Ex is disgusted by the fact I don't iron my DCs clothes nor cook them a meal every day, nor vacuum 5 times a week. But he just has to suck it up, just like I do with all the things I think he should do differently.

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