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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my exH to keep some clothes for his DSs?

62 replies

ProbablyMe · 08/02/2015 18:24

Is it unreasonable of me to expect my exH to purchase some clothes to keep at his house for our 4 DSs?

Once again they have returned from their eow contact and he has told me that he and his DP didn't have time to wash their dirty clothes and has sent them all back. Our maintenance agreement via the CMS deducts money according to how many days a year he has them so I think he should get them some stuff for when they are in residence with him! I'm bloody fed up of having three loads of washing (three of them are over 6'1" tall so big clothes!) sent back every time they go when I've sent them off with clean!! He says I should supply him with clothes to keep there but I can't afford to buy them clothes that they can't wear 12 days out of every 14!

Who is U?

OP posts:
Original poster
ProbablyMe · 08/02/2015 23:35

They are 17, 15, 14 and 11. Youngest has medical/continence issues.

I guess I just need to sigh and get on with it. Although I dispute that I get cm to pay for this - my cm is reduced to take into account exH having the boys for 52-104 days a year ( he has them the lower end of that. I also don't see how it's ok for him to tell me he's too busy - I manage to sort everything out regardless of what else I have going on and he can play fun dad eow and still have me clear up for him? Bollocks to that! Wink

I do agree that they should use the washing machine their selves but it's a washer dryer and would soon become and issue if weak sorted out stuff seperately.

I think I need to accept that this is one battle I won't win though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ProbablyMe · 08/02/2015 23:37

And my exH is earning a higher wage earner and I'm on carers allowance!!

OP posts:
SabrinaMulhollandJjones1984 · 08/02/2015 23:40

Sometimes MN leaves me staggered, in so many ways it's so enlightened, but then you get a thread like this where a woman's told she's BU to expect not to do all the washing for the time her dc are with her ex - there's 'wifework' to be sure - but this is 'ex-wifework'.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/02/2015 23:44

It's not at all that she's unreasonable!

Her ex is a fucking arsehole but he's her ex for a reason.

The point is she can't MAKE him and complaining about it just gives him power over her as he revels in not doing it.

Not one person is saying it's HER job.

Northernparent68 · 09/02/2015 00:04

Surely it's only their t shirts, and underwear that needs washing ? Buy a pack of cheap t shirts etc from primark to keep at their dad's, or ask your ex to buy them.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones1984 · 09/02/2015 00:25

Personally, I think it is my job to provide my DC with clothing as I am paid CM to do this. Anything XH buys is a bonus.

Well, that's near enough, Laurie.

But as OP rightly points out, there is a deduction of CM for the nights dc are with the NRP - so he should provide an appropriate amount of clothing.

LaurieFairyCake · 09/02/2015 00:37

There's no one to make him do it. There's no rule that says 6 socks and 3 t shirts are to be equated to however many days he has a reduction for.

I've never heard of any court case where when it was divided up the days and child maintenance the clothes/activities etc were divided up too Confused

Feel free to correct me if you have Sabrina

I thought that it worked that a reduction was given for nights but all expenses for 'stuff' were to be footed by the resident parent.

Happy to be wrong and to see it has been enforced Smile

LaurieFairyCake · 09/02/2015 00:38

And I'm definitely not disagreeing that he SHOULD - of course he should.

I just think that should isn't the same as will or court enforceable.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones1984 · 09/02/2015 00:45

A friend of mine said from day 1 of contact: I'm not packing and unpacking weekend bags for you, and doing the washing. They will come to you with the clothes they're in - you will be expected to have adequate clothing for them while they stay at yours. When she sends them off to his for the w/e they have the clothes they're standing in, their tablets, or whatever they want with them and that's it.

He moaned to the solicitor, but he had to do it. He bought them clothes for their stay. The outfits end up doing a kind of 'swap' week in week out. The pyjamas stay at his.

Who made the ex-wife the washer woman of all time? He can do the bloody washing for the time they spend with him -and keep sets of clothes at his place for them.

Hamiltoes · 09/02/2015 01:15

Who made the ex-wife the washer woman of all time?

Majority of people on the thread didn't say it was ex-wifes job. They said they are teenagers and should learn how to put a washing machine on fgs.

4yo goes to dads, sent in clothes, comes home with different set of clothes. Dirty clothes washed and comes home next weekend.

14yo goes to dads. If you can work a phone you can work a washing machine.

Pretty simple.

As for the youngest, why can't older siblings take it in turns and do the whole load of washing every 3 weeks???

SabrinaMulhollandJjones1984 · 09/02/2015 01:24

But why shouldn't they have sets of clothes at their dad's house?

If you're going to make the dc do the washing, then it should be done at the dad's house as well as the mum's.

How many 13/14yr olds actually do all their own washing? Not many I know of.

Older siblings doing the washing for a younger sibling? Not in my world! Why can't their Dad do it? Are Dads allergic to laundry or something?

fluffymouse · 09/02/2015 01:33

They should be doing their own laundry. It is quite frankly ridiculous they are not and you are doing them no favours by encouraging dependence.

They 17 year old will be moving out soon presumably, do you not think you have a duty to teach him life skills?

I did my own laundry from age 10.

IneedAdinosaurNickname · 09/02/2015 04:19

In these houses where everyone does their own washing is the machine always on but never full?
It would take me weeks to make a machine load of white/pale washing. By which point I'd have no clean underwear left.

Mutley77 · 09/02/2015 05:56

I think they should be encouraged to take responsibility for themselves but can easily see how you end up with three loads of washing. I have at least two loads to do on a Monday morning which are mostly items worn by my 3 dc including various sport kits and their uniform from the end of the previous week, plus winter clothes are bigger and more plentiful.

My dd had a friend to stay all of this weekend and I sent her sports kit and uniform home clean as I was doing washing for my dc and wouldn't occur to me not to. The dad or one of the boys could do at least one load between them over weekend on sat afternoonor Sunday morning.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/02/2015 06:55

SabrinaMulhollandJjones1984

The flip side to this thread is the "why does my ex keep the clothes that I send them in and send them back in cheap crap?".

I would have though that a single set of children's clothes would be approximately one wash, but that would be a non-sorted stick them in together wash.

SoupDragon · 09/02/2015 07:17

SabrinaMulhollandJjones1984 maybe learn to read properly and not misuse things I said.

Original poster
ProbablyMe · 09/02/2015 07:57

Those saying I should make them all do their own washing possibly don't know the impact of 6 people in a house all wishing to wash and dry seperately! The machine would be constantly on and cost a fortune! I do encourage their independence - they all cook and clean and do their share - but I think that many small loads spread out would give my wm a nervous breakdown!!

And what about my bloody exh's independence? I lost a baby two weeks ago, my youngest son spent the first 9 days of the year in hospital with a bad infection, I've had a very bad cold and a uterus infection post delivery and I have a funeral on Thursday and I managed to bloody look after my DSs. Should I not expect him to look after them properly too? He went to the cinema on Saturday and was too busy?!? Right Hmm

With him it's control, it the knowledge that I will still send the boys with clothes as I don't want to put them in a rotten position and that he can still, in some small way, make me do what he wants.

OP posts:
SabrinaMulhollandJjones1984 · 09/02/2015 08:03

Sorry to hear that, OP.

But you know, you don't have to justify it. Dads should do washing for their contact days - end of. Ridiculous to argue otherwise - unless we think men are allergic to laundry.

TongueBiter · 09/02/2015 08:03

You have my sympathy OP. My EXH would bring kids back on Sunday evenings with unwashed school uniforms from Friday pick-up Hmm but I would re-wash stuff to stop it smelling of him anyway Grin

grannytomine · 09/02/2015 08:08

I don't do the everyone doing their own washing as I agree that it costs a fortune for lots of small loads. At my age I had two children at school before I got a washing machine and I don't consider doing the washing much of a chore, sort it out throw it in and push the button. The ironing is another matter, I regard that as a chore and taught my kids to iron quite young.

herintheredskirt · 09/02/2015 08:10

I think it would be fine to just send them in what they are wearing. Explain to them that dad will arrange clothes for them while they are there.

PtolemysNeedle · 09/02/2015 08:16

I think you're over thinking this.

I get that it is a pain to have to do the washing, but if you're complaining that your ex should have spent his limited time with his children doing washing instead of taking them out, then that's unreasonable. He can't wash the clothes while they are still being worn, which presumably they would be when they're out at the cinema.

Why can't he just keep the dirty clothes and have them ready to send them back to you in after the next visit? Or is it that you want his entire Sunday to be planned around doing three loads of washing, drying and ironing so that the clothes come back to you done instead of them doing nice things?

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 09/02/2015 08:23

It's not really a hardship is it to throw the clothes in on a Monday whilst they are all at school. Takes minutes to load and switch on. Presumably he can't wash them whilst they are wearing them.

The deduction for having them is minimal and likely doesn't even cover food and activities. Clothes should come from CM or CTC/CB.

Original poster
ProbablyMe · 09/02/2015 09:50

Should I stop worrying about school stuff and medical stuff and washing and cleaning and actually doing practical caring shit for them and just concentrate on the fun times then? They'd work eh?? When the DS's are with my exH they are in residence with him with all that entails, they are just visitors there for a fun weekend. MyExH doesn't do hospital visits, or deal with school stuff and apparently according to some posters I should just accept that they just go to their dads for fun times? That's actually rather insulting to those dads who do actually do stuff for their DC's. Perpetuates the old fashioned idea that washing and everyday DC stuff is mums job. And I don't expect everything back clean but putting stuff in to wash on Saturday evening and drying it Sunday morning didn't seem like that taxing an ask.

Anyway, I accept that I will just have to do it (although I'm not convinced the pp who said that it was easy just to pop a load in on a monday morning can have many children especially one with continence issues Hmm - my everyday life revolves around bloody washing). I don't intend to make my sons bear the brunt by not sending them with any clothes.

OP posts:
NeedABumChange · 09/02/2015 09:54

Why don't you send them to him with dirty clothes? So he has to wash them and realises how annoying what he is doing is?

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