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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are good dads always the best husbands?

70 replies

LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 20:40

Feeling a bit pants and could do with some words of wisdom.

My husband is a phenomenal daddy to my two boys 3.5 and 18 mo. Is around a lot and plays with them loads, they totally adore him and I love him for being such an awesome daddy. He also helps around the house and is a genuine stand out dad when compared to anyone else I know.

However, I'm coming to the conclusion that he's not really a very good husband to me. I am constantly made to feel inferior to him in terms of parenting and he's always making me generally not feel good enough.

I'm feeling particularly emotional at the moment due to problems with my own dad coming to a head. But he's just being a bit crap about it all.

I've just returned from a four day work trip (which was admittedly a lot of fun!). I'd been looking forward to coming back and had sort of hoped for a little bit of "we've missed you" but instead he just said the house was tidier and the boys were happier without me. Half joking, of course, but when I said that it made me feel shit and maybe I shouldn't have bothered coming home he just said "as long as I get custody if the boys I don't care. We'd be fine without you".

He just makes me feel not good enough and an inferior parent. Couple that with us never doing anything together, him training for rugby 2x a week then playing on sat pm and I'm starting to feel a little bit shitty.

Is this just 'how it is'?

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 22:10

Poor English: a future without him.

OP posts:

lovestodazzel00 · 07/02/2015 22:15

I am sorry to hear all that about your Dad, It is bound to make you look for a little escape from reality and break from the norm. Flirtation is escaping. I do think you and dh just need to take a break find some intimacy. He may not know how to react to make it all better about your Dad, He may see work is making you happier than him and the Dc. Maybe next time they are all joking about jump in.n His comments were mean and wrong definitely a jealous jab, I think you both need a break together to reconnect.

madwomanacrosstheroad · 07/02/2015 22:20

Your post sounds quite alarming. Are you sure he is a great dad or is he playing power games and using the fact that he knows about your issues re your own dad to manipulate you.
To me it sounds as if he is using every opportunity to make you feel crap while also systematically undermining your relationship with your children.
You both work, he gets to play rugby whenever it suits him. You do one evening class a week, he decides that evening he needs to start doing rugby as well.
You get on with a male colleague, he gets jealous.
Then he hints you are surplus to requirements....
That does not sound like a good father, that sounds like emotional domestic abuse.

OhMittens · 07/02/2015 22:27

It's really hard to know how things are little. It could be that he is being prickly with you and making you feel inadequate because he feels inadequate. Either he is reacting to his own hurt/feelings of inadequacy, or he is causing the hurt. It's hard to tell from here. What was he like in the past? Is this behaviour more recent? What I mean is, has he always been partial to a mean comment/making you feel guilty, or is it in the last few years or months?

I still think that unless you feel very compromised or fearful or that you are being actually seriously emotionally abused then it's worth a shot of being nice to him to see where that goes. Most people respond to kindness. Of course, if you do feel that he is making comments through meanness or that he seems to hold the majority of power at the moment then that wouldn't necessarily be the way forward as it does make you more vulnerable. Only you have the best idea as to what is behind his comments and attitude.

OhMittens · 07/02/2015 22:31

X posts madwoman. I can see where you are coming from but it just is really hard to tell who holds the real power here. In the last few posts from little it would appear that her DH does hold more power than it seemed initially, but then like I said, some people react through fear or feeling inadequate themselves and if this was OP's DH, a little reassurance from her could hopefully and ideally set them off on a better track. But it's very hard to tell from here.

Sickoffrozen · 07/02/2015 22:31

Would you describe yourself as a good wife?

jamtoast12 · 07/02/2015 22:34

Actually I can see this more from his point of view, you work long hours, inc evenings and on occasion only make it home to put the kids to bed. He probably feels resentful of your time away (and so responsibilities falling on him) but also the fact he's miffed you don't feel the need to change your routine.

You said you've always worked like this but to be fair lots of people's attitudes change when they have kids and perhaps he's just disappointed that yours hasn't. Yes he's getting free time at rugby etc but perhaps if he's home earlier for the kids and going at night (presume they're in bed) then, even with his activities, he's doing most no?

Original poster

LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 22:45

Just to clarify what our week looks like (we have a nanny who looks after ds2 8.15-5.45):
Mon - all leave house at same time, I take ds1 to preschool, he picks up at 5.30. I'm home by 6.15
Tues - I have boys all day (he might be gone early for London) He's home about 5.45, off for rugby 6.45 and I put them to bed
Wed - as Monday
Thurs - get up together, I might be in London so can miss am/pm but rarely both
Fri - take ds1 to preschool, DH picks him up early at 3.30
Sat - am is family time then he has to be at rugby from midday. We'll usually watch an hour or so depending how cold it is!

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 22:46

Forgot to say that he has rugby again on Thurs and so I will normally out boys to bed. Unless I'm late from london day, which is maybe once every 3-4 weeks.

OP posts:

OhMittens · 07/02/2015 22:48

What would be your best scenario, little? What do you want to change from how it is now?

Original poster

LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 22:55

In order of how I think it could work:
Get some therapy and understand why I place so much emphasis on success at work
Enjoy the time I DO have with my children more
Stop feeling like a crap mum
Start spending more QT with DH and laugh again more
Regain some confidence that I'm actually loved/liked/respected by DH

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 22:58

BTW I'm going to sleep soon. He's out tonight so I'll be on morning duties and I need my 8 hours!

Really appreciated people's comments and feeling a little clearer on what I need to do. Special thank you to mittens for being very fair and balanced. x

OP posts:

OhMittens · 07/02/2015 23:10

OK. So, you keep coming back to this therapy/dad thing. That is very much having an effect on you right now, which is bound to affect your general mood and feelings. (Interestingly your DH only gets a mention in point 4 of a list of 5).

Why not just take that one thing for now, so: this week: look up local counsellors in your area. Pick five. Ring them and see which ones you get the right vibe from. Make an appointment in the diary.
After that, you can tackle the other things on your list. Is there anything you could do differently with your DCs that would be more fun? How about taking them out separately (less overwhelming, more chance to have fun).

OhMittens · 07/02/2015 23:10

You're welcome, sleep well x

Mrsjayy · 07/02/2015 23:11

He isn't a good dad he is isolating the mother of his children so a shit husband to boot I don't have any advice I am sorry he is treating you so badly

hettie · 07/02/2015 23:20

Oh ffs... You like work, you get pleasure from your success there... And this is a bad thing why? If this was the other way round no one would blink at the work commitment/hours you do. Why the bloody hell shouldn't he be doing his fair share at home. Your week shows a fairly even split. Just because he doesn't like his job shouldn't mean that he's resentful of you enjoying yours. My dh has been massively supportive of me achieving my career satisfaction and of us both choosing to have kids (he does loads more in the house at the moment) and he's nice to me. You need a serious chat......and Relate can help you with stuff about your dad and your dh it's "relationship" therapy so appropriate for both

Laquitar · 07/02/2015 23:32

Maybe he is an 'amazing dad' when he plays with the kids for half hour but he found looking after them for 4 days very hard. But his ego and controlling personality wont let him to admit that so he protests?

Whatever the reason it was a shocking thing to say, very hateful:-(.

sneepy · 07/02/2015 23:35

Just going to offer another perspective as my DH works long hours and travels. He travels to cool places and while he works hard, he also gets to enjoy himself (not to mention getting 8 hours unbroken in a nice hotel!!) Sometimes he travels to my home country and meets up with my family and my friends while I am holding down the fort at home.

I am always very happy to see him when he gets back and the DC are beside themselves but if anybody gets a hero's welcome it's the person who has been doing the drudgery at home! It's bloody hard work.

I also think you might want to scale back the flirting at work. I can't say from your post wether he's a good husband or not but if there is a problem I think it might be in both sides.

attheendofmyteatheragain · 07/02/2015 23:36

What hettie said

Original poster

LittleMilla · 08/02/2015 21:51

Just to close this off, for now anyway. Saw a mutual friend today and asked for her take on everything.

Knowing us both well she suspects DH is acting far more out of spite because he's not feeling happy. Suggested we have a good chat but also I pull him up on said comments (there was another shit incident today in front of ds1).

So, just need to find a suitable time to talk...

OP posts:

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