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Original poster

Are good dads always the best husbands?

70 replies

LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 20:40

Feeling a bit pants and could do with some words of wisdom.

My husband is a phenomenal daddy to my two boys 3.5 and 18 mo. Is around a lot and plays with them loads, they totally adore him and I love him for being such an awesome daddy. He also helps around the house and is a genuine stand out dad when compared to anyone else I know.

However, I'm coming to the conclusion that he's not really a very good husband to me. I am constantly made to feel inferior to him in terms of parenting and he's always making me generally not feel good enough.

I'm feeling particularly emotional at the moment due to problems with my own dad coming to a head. But he's just being a bit crap about it all.

I've just returned from a four day work trip (which was admittedly a lot of fun!). I'd been looking forward to coming back and had sort of hoped for a little bit of "we've missed you" but instead he just said the house was tidier and the boys were happier without me. Half joking, of course, but when I said that it made me feel shit and maybe I shouldn't have bothered coming home he just said "as long as I get custody if the boys I don't care. We'd be fine without you".

He just makes me feel not good enough and an inferior parent. Couple that with us never doing anything together, him training for rugby 2x a week then playing on sat pm and I'm starting to feel a little bit shitty.

Is this just 'how it is'?

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/02/2015 21:18

I think your other issues might be making this harder for you.

BestZebbie · 07/02/2015 21:18

What a stupid and hurtful thing to say! Don't believe it for a second - of course your children would care massively if you weren't there, you are their parent.

I think that people can be better at some sorts of relationship than others (eg: a natural with preschoolers but awkward with babies, or whatever) whilst still putting in effort/genuine good intentions etc, so it is probably possible to be naturally better at being a dad than being a husband....but your partner is not even trying to be a good husband there, and to undermine you in front of the children undermines his status as a 'good dad' too.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/02/2015 21:19

Everyone enjoys flirtation.

Finola1step · 07/02/2015 21:21

He sounds jealous and insecure. My suspicion is that he would much rather you be at home as you progressing in his career show him up a bit.

Finola1step · 07/02/2015 21:22

Your not his
Shows not show

I really should proof read!

Original poster
LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 21:24

Oh this is making me feel even sadder :-(

I know that the work flirtation is just that because I wouldn't normally look twice at this guy. He's so lovely, but totally not what I'd look for ever. And it was when I had that honest chat with myself that I decided to start thinking a bit more about why I'm enjoying it, rather than focusing too much in him as a person. If that makes sense?

I do often feel that he doesn't really like me. I'm not necessarily what he'd choose, if that makes sense. That I'm not the mum I should be. He makes me feel shit for enjoying my work. Like there's something wrong with me.

OP posts:
ahbollocks · 07/02/2015 21:28

Like he would prefer you to stay at home and bake cakes and get his slippers ready?
That kind of a mum?
Seems like both of your expectations arent being met. I think you need a deep honest chat, you must have liked each other at some point x

BathtimeFunkster · 07/02/2015 21:28

"as long as I get custody if the boys I don't care. We'd be fine without you".

Your marriage is over.

He's already planning for the aftermath and so should you.

KarmaNoMore · 07/02/2015 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 21:32

Thing is ah, we tried that and I was fecking miserable! Like, properly bloody depressed.

I think his ideal would be me working 3 days a week in a fairly steady job. Versus the job I have which is 4 days a week (+ evenings) in a very fast growing company which demands a lot of me but overall, I love.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 21:36

Karma - the thing is, I've always worked like this. So it's not as if this is a new facet of my personality that's coming out. I agree though, he does find it perverse that I'd choose to work. And I feel guilty for that.

And assuming I cut down on my working hours, how do I then not resent him?!!? Feel like a lose:lose situation and neither of us can be happy.

OP posts:
OhMittens · 07/02/2015 21:39

Whoa. Heck.

I don't know you or your DH. But just my personal interpretation based on what you have said is that your DH is struggling with issues of his own which he is projecting onto you, rather than just being mean or actively looking to put you down for the hell of it, like some other poster might think.

I think the comment about custody and not missing you etc is self protection. It's an odd thing to say when your loved one has returned from a trip. For him to say that maybe this other guy wants to shag you, and that was before Christmas, and now you have just returned from a four day work trip... maybe his mind is working overtime on that. I wonder if your DH does suspect that someone has caught your eye. Maybe his custody comment is a subconscious (or conscious) warning shot fired out of fear rather than meanness as such.

Do you love him? If you do, and he's an amazing dad, PLEASE TRY TO PUT THINGS RIGHT however you can. The grass isn't really greener out there unless your own patch is well and truly ruined and even then it can be repaired, sometimes. Please try and talk to him. From what you say he is an amazing dad and that is so precious.

Original poster
LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 21:41

Sorry, just one more thing to add on his 'me time'. The reason that I don't kick off about him training twice a week for rugby and spending all of sat pm playing is because I know it means a lot to him. Our entire weekend timetable is dictated by rugby. And I have an entire day off with the boys every week, when he normally goes to London for work.

So to give some context: I'm around 4/5 mornings to help get boys ready in the morning, usually taking ds1 to preschool. Nanny comes to look after ds2. He then picks up ds1 at 5.30. I'm usually home for about 6.15 unless I'm in London but even then will aim to be back for a story.

OP posts:
OhMittens · 07/02/2015 21:43

Bathtime "Your marriage is over.... He's already planning for the aftermath and so should you."

Seriously?! This is two kids' parents' marriage and family life you have just dismissed with a flick of the keyboard here, and knowing NOTHING about what the OP's DH has or has not got planned. It's totally irresponsible in my eyes to say something in the affirmative that you DO NOT KNOW.

KarmaNoMore · 07/02/2015 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 21:47

mittens I think that sounds fair. Although I really do not have any intention of acting on this flirtation, I can see it for what it is: me feeling crappy and being flattered by some attention. Nothing more.

All of this crap has been building up for a while and I don't really know how to fix it. I'm hoping that once I start to see someone about the issues my dad has caused, it might create the right Segway for us to address our own relationship. If I suddenly suggest relate I fear he might think the worst and become even more defensive/aggressive...

OP posts:
OhMittens · 07/02/2015 21:48

I can't see that this is about the me-time aspect. It really could be that he fears he is losing you to work and/or someone more exciting than he is to you right now. Only you know the "tone" of what he says. It's as much about that as anything.

Who do you feel is more in control of your relationship? Who directs things more? Who "wears the trousers?" (awful expression but that is what I'm trying to get at).

Original poster
LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 21:51

Karma - I've summarised the general balance up thread. I don't feel it's too weighty. Although dh certainly does more than most men I know. Which I've acknowledged. He usually has a whole day in London too, where he'll be gone before boys are up and home after bed. If it's not an overnight.

So it's really not like he's always left at home. 45/55 to him I'd say but he dies waaaay more extra-curricular stuff. But I'm always on tenterhooks, wanting to make sure I'm doing 'enough' as he'll often make comments about me being untidy etc...

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 21:55

Mittens - dh has always been in charge of everything: money, car, holidays, house (although I do all washing and we have a cleaner). I'm pretty crap at admin :-)

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/02/2015 21:55

Do you want to tell us about your dad?
Becasue I dont think this is just about your dh.

OhMittens · 07/02/2015 21:58

X posts "little*

I agree that suddenly suggesting Relate could cause alarm.

Do you think you need Relate at this stage? Could you try to have a clear the air conversation with him? Write him a letter? What about a letter saying what an amazing dad he is to your children, that they are lucky to have him as their daddy and you are happy that he's your husband? (it needn't be a long letter but outlining some of the really great things about him). In fact, This? Dear X. I thought you should know that I think you are a phenomenal daddy to our two boys. You are around a lot and play with them loads, they totally adore you and I love you for being such an awesome daddy. You help out around the house and are a genuine stand out dad when compared to anyone else I know. Love, X.

And would it be worth considering doing something like booking a meal (not just suggesting you go out for one sometime soon, but actually making it happen).

Without knowing anything else about your situation, starting off with bit of sweetness can only help here, it can't hurt. And if you still feel you need Relate or that things have taken a turn for the worse, then deal with that then. But, ideally not before you have just - tried - a little tenderness. IYSWIM.

jamtoast12 · 07/02/2015 22:00

I think I agree with ohmittens post above in terms of it being a defense mechanism.

It may be possible that he is feeling disappointed with the type of parent you are in terms of not wanting to reduce hours, working late etc. my dh is an amazing dad and puts kids first too etc etcand I have to say he'd find it difficult if I was not showing the same commitment as him - I don't think he'd moan but I think either of us would feel a little disappointed if we didn't parent the same way.

I'm not saying you put your work first - it's just that if you are working longer hours (and I would say 6:30 with young kids is a very long day) then perhaps he perceives you not wanting to reduce hours or not go out or finish early as a lack of need to see the kids compared to his view. Not sure if I'm explaining this right but for e.g my dh used to rush home from work at the earliest opportunity. He loves his job but given he only got home at 5:30, there no way he'd offer to work late. Coupled with comments about a colleague, It may be adding up to a situation whe he feels you're happier at work and it may seem to him that you'd rather be there.

Original poster
LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 22:00

Summary of dad situation: split with my mum when I was 5 after his infidelity. He's always been an alcoholic, depressive character. We've had a very strained relationship but I always got on with my step mum. She's decided enough is enough because his boozing and said she wants to split.

He's turned to me for support: phoning me in tears, telling me how sorry he is for being such a crap dad. Just draining me emotionally and I'm struggling to cope. Making me confront lots of emotions that I'd buried. Shit.

OP posts:
OhMittens · 07/02/2015 22:06

X posts again :)

Little what's your gut feeling? I know you are hurt by his comments but what does your instinct say - what do you think is behind his comments and what do you think he's trying to achieve by saying them?

Original poster
LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 22:09

I'm very torn mittens. I love him dearly and find it hard to contemplate a future not with him.

I'm also sick of feeling like a second class citizen though. I don't ever feel good enough: as a wife or a mum. Sometimes it feels like i cannot do enough. I'm also fed up with feeling guilty the whole time.

OP posts: