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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Home for Easter

45 replies

Zsazsabinks · 06/02/2015 09:21

AIBU to not travel from Scotland to the South of England for Easter.

We live in Scotland and the rest of my family live on the south coast of England, so we have to do a 9hr trip in the car every time we go and see them all. We already have two children (6ys and 2yrs) and I'm due another one any day now...PLEASE COME OUT TODAY DC3! We drove down for a week over Christmas even though that involved buying a new car after DH had a nasty crash and was worried about driving (hiring one would be extortionate given the week we were there and he needs to commute anyway, but a car wasn't on the list for things to buy in December), taking all of the presents for our children down and back up again with more and me being 34 weeks pregnant at the time.

I'm due to have another baby any day now and DH doesn't have paternity leave as he hasn't been in his new job for long enough to get it, he instead has to use his holidays. He's booked two weeks off which he can change to suit when this baby arrives. We don't have any family nearby so he'll be my only help with the three of them when the baby comes.

My Mother is furious as she wants him to take just one week off when the baby comes and then take another week over Easter and travel down with the children and dog to see the Grandparents. She says that if we don't we're not being fair to the Grandparents by not showing them the baby. From my perspective, these aren't doddery old eighty-somethings, they frequently fly as far as Australia and on EU holidays so I don't know why they can't come up here if they wanted to. Also, we LIVE here, we don't want to have to pack up our home and leave it every time there's a public holiday. Then there is the fact that we'll have two older children (or one child, one toddler) AND one newborn.

I'm just tired of being expected to do an eighteen hour round trip for the sake of one week when I feel that people could come to see us if they wanted to?

Am I being completely unreasonable? Should I be making more effort to go down over Easter and ask DH to sacrifice his time with the new baby in order to see my family? We do make the effort by going down at x-mas and we'll probably be down later in the year, maybe over the summer too.....

OP posts:
JustAnotherControlFreak · 06/02/2015 09:46

I can wholly understand this and feel that yanbu. We live far from our parents and have to put our foot down about how we use any holiday time we have. It's caused much friction and stress in every direction but sometimes it has to be done for own family. and your own sanity. If they really want to meet your new arrival they'll make the trip. Do with the leave as you both see fit, not as someone else dictates.

PrimalLass · 06/02/2015 09:48

Why on earth won't they come to you? Your mother is being ridiculous.

EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 06/02/2015 09:49

just invite them and then it's up to them. it's waay too long a journey for the toddler to be happy, never mind the newborn!

Not to mention having to stop and get kids out of car seats every 2 hours.

Original poster
Zsazsabinks · 06/02/2015 09:50

Thanks, I am actually really upset. I can see the point about meeting the Grandparents but then actually, they don't seem bothered about coming up here, ever, in the ten years that we've been here, which is actually quite hurtful too!

OP posts:
DeanKoontz · 06/02/2015 09:51

Yanbu. Tell her it's up to her to make the journey this time.

PrimalLass · 06/02/2015 09:59

Has she always been this selfish?

Bunbaker · 06/02/2015 10:00

We spent years travelling to family at Easter/Christmas. When DD was born we just told everyone that if they wanted to see us then they had to do the travelling. We told them we didn't ask them, so they knew it wasn't negotiable Grin

Quite apart from that it really isn't advisable to have a newborn in a car seat for so long.

Original poster
Zsazsabinks · 06/02/2015 10:08

We don't get on fabulously well as Mother and Daughter! I wonder how much it is about Grandparents being disappointed and what they've actually said and how much it is about her getting her own way. I was thinking I'd write an email saying something like:

"{Mother} has told me that you were hoping that we would come down at Easter this year so I know that you'll be disappointed but for x,y,z reasons we can't. You are all, always more than welcome to pop up to see us..." blah blah.

That might stop her in her tracks because I suspect it isn't pressure from anyone except my Mother and she's using Grandparents as an excuse, that email would 'out' her and stop her from using it again. Could cause more trouble though...

OP posts:
DeanKoontz · 06/02/2015 10:38

Why don't you ring or Skype them?

crazykat · 06/02/2015 10:40

Definitely not unreasonable. If they want to see you then they can come to you.

Even if you wanted to go you'd need to make loads of stops for feeding/changing the baby and toddler give them a rest from the carseat as young babies shouldn't be in then for too long without a decent break as it can put stress on their spine.

Could you maybe sell it this way to you parents? Tell them the baby is too young for that length journey as it's not good for their spine to be in a carseat for so long.

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2015 10:46

I wouldn't say 'pop' in your email. Unrealistic and a bit unwelcoming.

Your mother is off her trolley and you cannot possible go.

They can catch a train.

Original poster
Zsazsabinks · 06/02/2015 10:50

If I said anything like that to her, her response would be something like:

"Well I managed three children just fine without all of that rubbish" or "How do you think I managed with your Father away for a month at a time?" (Conveniently she forgets that he was also at home for a month at a time!)

Yes, maybe pop isn't the best! Visit or 'to stay' would be better!

OP posts:
Original poster
Zsazsabinks · 06/02/2015 10:53

I did appeal to reason and say "Would you do that journey with us [me and my siblings] when we were little?" and she said that she would have done it six or seven times a year if she'd had to but then she didn't choose to live so far away. I don't think reasoning is her strongest point!

OP posts:
EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 06/02/2015 10:55

whether or not she managed is irrelevent.

legaly you have to put the kids in car seats. You cannot keep a baby in their seat for very long because it could cause them LOADS of problems (including breathing issues)

therefore, your 9 hour journey would be more like 15 hours with stopping time to get the kids out of the seats for a break every hour and a half.
Just not feasible. What's her issue with coming to see you?

holeinmyheart · 06/02/2015 10:55

We had that horrible journey from Scotland when we lived there because of my DH's job. I have spent hours and hours on the M6. ( loath and hate the M6) with the DCs suffering from car sickness etc. I swear once they cried from Scotland to Stoke-on Trent before they collapsed from exhaustion.
Your Parents are being totally barking if they expect you to visit.
They should be coming to help you. Shame on them.

Original poster
Zsazsabinks · 06/02/2015 10:57

She'll come up when the baby is born for a week or so, but NOT for Easter as she likes to have a family meal. The issue as she states it is showing the baby to the grandparents, but they are perfectly capable of travelling themselves.

OP posts:
HubertCumberdale · 06/02/2015 11:00

YANBU. I don't think you even have to provide that much of a reason, but not wanting to drag three kids across the country, or wanting to spend your first holiday as a family in your own home is perfectly understandable.
I would state these as facts in the email. We WILL NOT be travelling, we WILL be staying in our own home, and you SHOULD come here for once.
No room for interpretation.

EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 06/02/2015 11:03

oh so she wants you to travel all day twice, and spend 2 days exhausted after it, force your poor kids to endure a whole day in the car twice, just so she can show off her grandchild?

and she thinks that's reasonable? Because any sensible person wouldn't think it is.

I think you need to just be firm about it "We can't do it. I know you want the family dinner etc but we cannot drive that far with a newborn, it'd take 14 to 15 hours! Sorry that you're disappointed but the children have to come first and to do what you want would be putting their needs last."

magimedi · 06/02/2015 11:07

Just say "No".

You are an adult & in charge of your family.

You do what you know is best for them. Stop being pressurised by your mother.

Original poster
Zsazsabinks · 06/02/2015 11:10

That's the spirit Magimedi!

OP posts:
DeanKoontz · 06/02/2015 11:12

Are flights not an option? For them, I mean.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 06/02/2015 11:13

YANBU at all, your mother is being a selfish loon. She can travel to you at easter if she wants to see the baby.

Bunbaker · 06/02/2015 11:14

Yes. Don't give excuses or reasons. Just say you will be staying at home.

Original poster
Zsazsabinks · 06/02/2015 11:16

Oh yes, there is an almost direct flight, about 40mins max away from airport in each side. So they could get a flight or they could get the train....or drive....

Good, feel a lot better now I know that I'm not being a rubbish daughter/grand daughter!

OP posts:
magimedi · 06/02/2015 11:17

You are not rubbish at all - your DM is being a bit of a rubbish/unreasonable Mum!

(I have PMd you).