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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Home for Easter

45 replies

Zsazsabinks · 06/02/2015 09:21

AIBU to not travel from Scotland to the South of England for Easter.

We live in Scotland and the rest of my family live on the south coast of England, so we have to do a 9hr trip in the car every time we go and see them all. We already have two children (6ys and 2yrs) and I'm due another one any day now...PLEASE COME OUT TODAY DC3! We drove down for a week over Christmas even though that involved buying a new car after DH had a nasty crash and was worried about driving (hiring one would be extortionate given the week we were there and he needs to commute anyway, but a car wasn't on the list for things to buy in December), taking all of the presents for our children down and back up again with more and me being 34 weeks pregnant at the time.

I'm due to have another baby any day now and DH doesn't have paternity leave as he hasn't been in his new job for long enough to get it, he instead has to use his holidays. He's booked two weeks off which he can change to suit when this baby arrives. We don't have any family nearby so he'll be my only help with the three of them when the baby comes.

My Mother is furious as she wants him to take just one week off when the baby comes and then take another week over Easter and travel down with the children and dog to see the Grandparents. She says that if we don't we're not being fair to the Grandparents by not showing them the baby. From my perspective, these aren't doddery old eighty-somethings, they frequently fly as far as Australia and on EU holidays so I don't know why they can't come up here if they wanted to. Also, we LIVE here, we don't want to have to pack up our home and leave it every time there's a public holiday. Then there is the fact that we'll have two older children (or one child, one toddler) AND one newborn.

I'm just tired of being expected to do an eighteen hour round trip for the sake of one week when I feel that people could come to see us if they wanted to?

Am I being completely unreasonable? Should I be making more effort to go down over Easter and ask DH to sacrifice his time with the new baby in order to see my family? We do make the effort by going down at x-mas and we'll probably be down later in the year, maybe over the summer too.....

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/02/2015 11:27

I think your DM is wrong and DH shouldn't adjust leave to suit her or anyone else, a flat 'That doesn't work for us' is called for next time she raises this. I hope you have a lovely easy delivery very soon.

heather1 · 06/02/2015 11:28

We had a similar situation with MIL and PIL when my dc were small. They were only 1 -1.5 hours away though but it was a trip on the M25, they hate the M25.
When Dc 1 was born they visited. But afterward 2 weekends in a month we would pack up colicky, refluxy Ds1 and drive to see them. I was in a fog of PND, Dh was studying and working full time. We did this because it was sort of a family tradition iyswim.
As a child Dh used to visit both grandparents, one on Saturday and the others on Sunday but they lived locally.
We would also be asked 'why haven't you visited BIL.' The NEVER came to visit us, neither did BIL.
When the fog of PND lifted and when pregnant with ds2 Dh and I sat down and discussed it.
My position was that he could go with the kids but I wasn't going to go so often. If they wanted to see us/dc they could jump in the car. They didn't. It was really sad but in the end better for us. We had our family time together. GP's were missing out by not seeing the Ds but that was their choice.
Stick to your guns. Start making your own Easter family traditions. It doesn't matter what your Mum did when she had children. This is about you and your young family. Everyone has different tolerances for travelling.
It might be worth considering if this is a control thing. My Fil is very controlling. That is why he wanted us to visit. It's so entrenched I'm not sure he is aware of what he does.

DopeyDawg · 06/02/2015 11:28

Yy to selfish loon.

Horrible journey for littlies and a complete no no for a newborn.

Just say 'Not possible but you are very very welcome here'.

MaryWestmacott · 06/02/2015 11:30

I think you should just hold the line that you don't want to travel that far at Easter, so if they want to see you, they can come to you.

If they are prepared to travel elsewhere on holiday, then it's not that htey can't, it's that they recognise it's a hard journey to take, so they think you should be forced to do it to save them the hassle. They are all acknowledging it's a hassle.

I think that sometimes, extended family can see their house as the family 'home' and find it very hard to acknowledge that others have moved away and home is where they live now. I remember a thread on here when soemeone was raging about her sister having a 'posh overseas wedding' and having to travel, then it transpired her sister was getting married in the country she'd lived in for a couple of years, in the church she went to and then to a hotel half an hour from her house. The OP genuinely couldn't see that going back to the old home town wasn't "getting married at home" anymore for her sister, that her 'home' and her sister's 'home' were different places.

Your family don't see where you live as your home, so you are expected to come home for family events. That they don't visit you will make it worse as they dont get to see you in that environment and realise that actually, yes, this is a home and you are part of that community, not theirs anymore.

Hold the line you won't do the trip. I'd also be tempted to hold a christening or naming ceremony at your home and invite family. You don't live in the South of England anymore, it's not unreasonable to take it in turns to visit - going to them is not 'going home'. You might just have to force them to see it by refusing to travel away from your home.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 06/02/2015 11:40

Well said Mary

My mother bought loads of expensive baby equipment when I was pregnant with DC1 and then announced it was all to be kept at her house - she lived a 5 hour drive (without kids) from us ... baffled me how much time she was automatically expecting I would spend at hers with the baby especially as I hadn't lived anywhere near her for 12 years before DC1 wasborn anan usually only visited for a weekend 4 or 5 times a year...

Original poster

Zsazsabinks · 06/02/2015 12:07

I suppose they only want to be involved, it's tricky when everyone lives so far apart these days, not like in the past where you rarely moved more than a street away!

OP posts:

HappyAgainOneDay · 06/02/2015 12:21

As an older person, I might know why they don't want to visit. The older you become, the more you feel the cold. I could never understand why my mother would wear a jumper in the Summer but I do now.

I would not go to Scotland unless it were because something absolutely dire had happened. It's too cold.

DopeyDawg · 06/02/2015 13:03

HappyAgain - but you can always turn up the central heating or put another layer on, surely, for the meeting of a new grandchild?

shakemysilliesout · 06/02/2015 13:07

Have you ever invited them to Scotland? Because if you never have they might not feel welcome to come to you.

Eva50 · 06/02/2015 13:20

We are in the Scottish Highlands. It won't be cold at Easter!

DopeyDawg · 06/02/2015 13:31

Surely in this case the house will be kept extra warm for a newborn anyway so would be warm enough for an older person who feels the cold? (I sympathise btw, as a person who also 'feels the cold').

I'm in the lowlands, and it's not cold now.
Parents are in Kent and the temperatures are comparable more often than you would expect.

Original poster

Zsazsabinks · 06/02/2015 14:12

It's not that much colder in Scotland compared to the South of England at Easter! Also happy to put the heating on!

I've always made it clear that everyone is welcome, I actually don't think it's their reluctance to come I think it's that they haven't even thought of it because I always end up going down there as a result of my Mother making me feel awful about living up here.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 06/02/2015 14:19

Stuff 'em. Your mum has got in the habit of you taking the strain so it's time to set some new rules.

Hope the baby arrives soon.

MaryWestmacott · 06/02/2015 14:25

Actually OP, can you side step your mum, call your other family, invite them to yours over easter - a "we arent going to be able to make it down for a while with 3, would you like to come up for easter weekend, or another time?" Then just deliver it to your mum as a done deal. She can join in or not as she fancies.

Some mothers do find it hard when their DCs have children to take the shift from being the one who's 'in charge' to being 'extended family' of the children of the family. (hope that makes sense!). If your mum wants a big family get together over Easter, she might well have to just fit in with your plans, not dictate your movements. A while of not seeing DC3 might focus the mind a little.

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2015 14:25

I'm an older person.

I would be taking any excuse to visit a DGC. (Oh, and DD too!!)

It's hardly the arctic...

PrimalLass · 06/02/2015 14:30

OK I thought you meant her when you said 'the grandparents'.

PrimalLass · 06/02/2015 14:34

I would not go to Scotland unless it were because something absolutely dire had happened. It's too cold.

PrimalLass · 06/02/2015 14:36

The Met Office says it is the same temp in Inverness today as in London. And warmer than Brighton.

I've been too hot.

Bunbaker · 06/02/2015 14:46

"I would not go to Scotland unless it were because something absolutely dire had happened. It's too cold."

Don't be so wet. There is no such thing as bad weather, just inappropriate clothes.

I am going to Northern Finland in a couple of weeks time. Now that is cold. However, I have bought appropriate clothing for it, and the hotel will be warm.

magimedi · 06/02/2015 15:09

I've lived in the NE of Scotland & now live in SE England.

No colder in Scotland than it can be here - I tried a walk along the sea front this am & retreated after 20 mins.

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