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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

treating grandchildren differently

37 replies

mumscuppa · 06/02/2015 00:18

AIBU to think that at Christmas my MIL was being unfair when she gave my children a very small box of chocs ( they are stepgrandchildren) from my first marriage although grown up and independent so is her true grandchild , my youngest son whom she gave £50 to , I was very upset that she didn't treat them all the same . My youngest son is a very sensible lad and felt awkward about the whole thing on his brother and sister's behalf. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

BehindEveryCloud · 06/02/2015 00:24

How long have your children (her stepGC) been a part of her life? Unfortunately it's not nice to be treated differently but I can see that naturally she'd be closer to her actual grandchild. Did your children all get stuff from their DF's parents if applicable?

Bit harsh to just give a small box of chocs vs £50 as massive difference so overall I think YANBU as she could've been more subtle if she's planning to favour one over the others.

Flomple · 06/02/2015 00:34

Is it possible she is thinking your older ones have more grandparents to buy for them and didn't want the youngest to lose out?

But with them all grown up, if she's normally bought them the same, it would seem more likely to be a reason that is unrelated to who their dads are. Eg she gives big presents to children until they hit a certain age, and then small token gifts once she classes them as proper adults? Did the older ones fail to write their thank you letters last year?

Lamourestbleu · 06/02/2015 00:40

I think it's cruel, I really do. If they want to give the 'real' grandchild more they should do so privately.

Sn00p4d · 06/02/2015 01:20

I've got step everything's. My step gp never gave me presents but gave to my step brother, their go, in front of me. My own gp gave me presents and also gave to my step brother.
Step GPs died a year ago, left my step brother 10k, me nothing.
Don't think it matters at all, certainly never bothered me, I had my own gp, having 4 sets was just greed

needaholidaynow · 06/02/2015 04:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 06/02/2015 06:14

I don't think I'd expect an equal present from a step grandmother as an adult. Unless you're talking about small children who wouldn't understand, I think you're being a bit precious.

Mehitabel6 · 06/02/2015 07:10

It would matter if they were children and all at home, but since they are all adults I can't see that it matters. Do they have a relationship i.e would the eldest go and visit MIL on their own?

DandyMott · 06/02/2015 07:15

How long has she known her step grandchildren? Has she always treated them differently or just last year?

YABU to still be thinking about it in February though, you should have dealt with it at the time if it was such an issue.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 06/02/2015 07:16

I'm all for treating children the same but when it comes to relatives and step children I don't think they should be obliged too. The step child would end up with far more as has his own family plus his siblings family so I can see why she did it.

OwlinaTree · 06/02/2015 07:17

The thing is, each family set up is different, so what is unfair or fair is going to vary. You feel it's unfair, for us to say whether or not YABU you will need to give us more information about your family set up really.

StockingFullOfCoal · 06/02/2015 07:18

My grandparents and my DDad and Step Mum spent the same on my DSS as they did on my DDs - however they also put a relatively large amount in savings accounts that they have for DDs at Christmas too, obviously they don't have one for DSS nor would I expect them to.

But my MIL only buys my kids token gifts and FIL got them nothing but he also only got DSS token gifts but spent a lot on his other grandchild.

Unfairness present wise happens even in 'blood' families.

MythicalKings · 06/02/2015 07:22

YABU. They aren't her grandchildren, they are adults. A token present is a lovely gesture.

natharley11 · 06/02/2015 07:29

my mil is exactly the same drives me crazy my son from previous relationship gets second hand and my sdd and new baby get brand new. my dp spoke to her but she just laughs it of. drives me mad. The rest of his family are fab with him tho x

Isthiscorrect · 06/02/2015 07:32

Hmmm. I had both a step brother and a step sister. We were less than 3 years apart. My mum married my stepdad when I was 6. As a family we saw my mums parents and my step grandparents on a more than weekly basis and stayed with both sides during holidays. 28th birthday step brother and step sister both got a car!!!! Me, I got nothing. When my beloved grandmother died we all 3 got £100 each.
Each to their own, but it was hard at the time.

HearTheThunderRoar · 06/02/2015 07:34

Depends tbh, if they are going to receive gifts from their paternal grandparents then you are being a bit unreasonable as your elder children will receive more than your younger child. Though I think if your MIL was going to give a bigger gift to your son then it should have been done in private.

Two of my brothers have remarried with wives who have children from a previous relationship. My mum gave SIL1 sons small token gifts when they were younger as they were always at family gatherings etc and generally considered part of the family and their dad was not on the scene. SIL2 DC who are adults and live abroad, with other grandparents never received anything from my mum who she only see once a year. It really does depend on circumstances.

Mehitabel6 · 06/02/2015 07:38

Adults grandchildren and very different from child grandchildren.
It all depends on the relationship they have without OP in the equation.
If they don't phone, email, visit etc without OP then they haven't really got one. It is all down to adult choice.

tumbletumble · 06/02/2015 07:41

My lovely Grandma had five blood grandchildren and two step grandchildren. She was more generous to the blood grandchildren although she did give presents to the step GC. As far as I know everyone was ok with that, so I think YABU.

MythicalKings · 06/02/2015 07:44

My DNiece married a man with a DS from an earlier relationship. I've met her DSS twice. I see her other DCs from her first marriage and her DD from her second several times a year.

I don't buy presents for her DSS. He has a huge family on his DM's side and gets far more at Christmas and birthdays than her DCs from her first marriage do. Why would I buy him anything?

MinceSpy · 06/02/2015 07:46

Do the other grandparents give equal gifts to the blood grandchildren and step grandchild?

WD41 · 06/02/2015 07:53

They're adults, not 5 year olds! I don't see why she would be expected to treat them the same as her own gc. Yabu.

WD41 · 06/02/2015 07:55

Yes presumably your DS receives gifts from your stepsons' maternal family?

CPtart · 06/02/2015 08:05

YABU. She has no obligation to give your DC anything, they're not her GC. She will naturally not be as close or feel the same about them.

Quitelikely · 06/02/2015 08:09

I think you are being unreasonable here. You say your daughters are grown up? How grown up? Does she even see them at all? Can she afford something for them all

She did give them a present it just wasn't to your liking........

bruffin · 06/02/2015 08:13

My DSIS has been in a fairly solid relationship with a man who has teenage children who I suppose would be technically my mums step grandchildren. I dont know even if she bought them christmas presents her last christmas, but i am sure it wouldnt have been the same as her own grandchildren. She had met them a few times in 3 years but they are not her grandchildren and they have their own grandparents. My mum was a lovely generous person but did not have a grandparent/grandchild relationship with them, so I suspect she did buy them a small present.

OP would you expect you PIL to leave your children money in their wills?
My mum left £5k to each of her grandchildren (no names, exact wording) I cant believe anyone would assume my dsis dp children would be included in this.

LittleBairn · 06/02/2015 08:16

YABU they are adults and they aren't her grandchildren.

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