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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just not not not understand my mother's attitude to my DD (long, sorry)

39 replies

Ruralninja · 05/02/2015 19:45

There is a big old back-story which includes the fact that my mother is widowed, lives abroad 50% of the time, has a good relationship with my older sister but much less so with me and is generally considered by her friends to be 'eccentric' - this translates in a day to day way as being unbelievably tricky. I have come to think she has quite strong narcissistic tendencies - I do understand how much that term is bandied about and I don't use it lightly.
The current issue is that I can't get her to visit and my dd (15 months) is actively excluded from family events. It was her birthday recently and I was asked to find a babysitter (in the daytime) so that DM could have lunch out without the hassle of my active daughter interfering with the lunch. I suggested we visit her house for her birthday and bring food etc but this was dismissed because her untrained dogs might knock dd over. She suggested a local pub function room and when I responded by saying we could, but that my ability to join in would be affected by me fielding DD from running down stairs (as occurred last time we went) the response was that it 'wasn't all about me'.

Gosh, if it sounds petty it's because it is. My DH is also excluded whilst my BIL is an essential attender of such events. I don't mind for myself - I am quite tough about it these days, but feel sad for my absolutely joyful DD. She is the kindest, most loving, joy-filled little girl you could possibly meet. She is, as school teachers euphemistically say 'lively' but only in terms of being contained by high chairs or prams etc. She is not naughty or antisocial in any way.

My DM contrived to fall out spectacularly with me about her birthday and I feel sad for her that she is missing out on all this. She has seen dd probably 10 times since she was born. She cancelled visiting the other day because it was raining (my house comes with a standard, waterproof roof arrangement).

What do people do when their mothers are so 'eccentric' that the relationship for both generations just feels doomed to failure?

Sorry for the long post, the devil is in the detail and my ability to be brief has been compromised by my general confusion about the issue.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 05/02/2015 19:58

She's not eccentric- she's just a bitch.

You don't have to play her game if you don't want to.

BreakfastAtStephanies · 05/02/2015 20:05

YANBU. This is a strange attitude for sure. Your DM should want to be involved in your DD's life and it is unacceptable that DD be excluded from family events. Is she not a proud Granny ? Your DD is bound to be active at her age. Your DM is missing opportunities to be involved in her life, which is sad.

drudgetrudy · 05/02/2015 20:11

If she isn't interested in your DD and excludes your DH I wouldn't make any effort over her "special events".

BackforGood · 05/02/2015 20:14

Am I missing something ? Confused

You have said your Mum is excluding dd by inviting you to a nice (adult only) lunch with her, but then you say you weren't keen on the pub function room because you won't be able to chat as you will be chasing round after dd all the time ? Is that right ?

Clearly, there may well be more back story, but, just going on your Mum inviting you to a lovely peaceful lunch without children, doesn't mean she has an odd attitude to your dd, IMO. I love a nice quiet lunch without dc. It would be a completely different occasion with a 15m old there - even if not "lively".

Original poster
Ruralninja · 05/02/2015 20:21

she suggested the pub function room with dd, as a separate suggestion to the lunch...it wasn't a genuine suggestion though - it was more along the lines of "well we could have gone there but you said it was hard work"

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruralninja · 05/02/2015 20:22

she also only lives 50 minutes away..

OP posts:
Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 05/02/2015 20:22

Disengage. She wants you to be upset that she doesn't have a relationship with your dd. Then she wants you to feel guilty about this, and so allow you to be bullied and manipulated into doing what she says.

She has no interest in a relationship with your dd because she is too young to be manipulated and if she is narcissistic those are the only relationships she values.

I'm really sorry for you, being treated like this is awful, and if you say you aren't playing by her rules there will be fallout before there is improvement, and that is very hard to deal with if you have already been battered by a narc relationship.

But it is worth doing to minimise the impact of your mother's behaviour on your life and your family's.

Sonoma · 05/02/2015 20:23

She sounds very awkward and difficult but the bit where you declined the pub function room suggestion does make you sound rather difficult as well. Either you want to take your child or you don't (and your post does have a little bit of the PFB about it too...). That said if she doesn't invite your husband either, I don't think I could tolerate that.

NormHonal · 05/02/2015 20:24

Does your sister have children? And if so, how are they treated?

Original poster
Ruralninja · 05/02/2015 20:25

I honestly meant that I thought her enjoyment would be affected as I would not be fully present at her birthday event...my own experience/enjoyment was not motivating that response

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruralninja · 05/02/2015 20:26

Yes sister has one dd - 7 years old

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruralninja · 05/02/2015 20:27

treated not brilliantly but included as dm and dsis very closely involved

OP posts:
Sonoma · 05/02/2015 20:28

won't she put the dogs out?

Original poster
Ruralninja · 05/02/2015 20:29

she lives in a first floor apartment - there is outside space but they scratch on the door. it's an excuse I feel

OP posts:
Micah · 05/02/2015 20:30

She lives abroad 50% of the time, and has seen your 15 m old about 10 times?

So that works out once or twice a month? Tbh that sounds fair- does she always come to you or do you go to her? If she's as bad as you say why on earth push for more.

I see my mum probably three or four times a year. That's enough for me!

Original poster
Ruralninja · 05/02/2015 20:30

my dd isn't afraid of dogs anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruralninja · 05/02/2015 20:33

micah I suppose it's guilt....hard to explain really. I make most of the visits to her

OP posts:
Sonoma · 05/02/2015 20:35

Your DD is a baby, so if they are boisterous dogs (are they?) it is a fair point. But I agree it just sounds like an excuse. She doesn't sound like she likes children much at all which is a shame - I can see why you would see someone a lot less if they felt that way.

Original poster
Ruralninja · 05/02/2015 20:37

she refused to discuss my pregnancy because I had trouble conceiving (said she had to protect herself emotionally in case it went wrong) and I'm probably quite stuck on that issue - ie it's colouring my view of what's happening now

OP posts:
Branleuse · 05/02/2015 20:38

I get what youre saying. I think if you have a narc parent, you do understand. I think id disengage. Stop responding to her. It wont end.

NormHonal · 05/02/2015 20:38

It's difficult to tell from your posts whether this is a "real" issue, or whether you are perhaps projecting your relationship with your mother onto the situation. And possibly comparing with your sister and your niece, also your DH, and wondering what you/your DD have done "wrong" to be treated this way.

It could be that it's a bit you, a bit your Mum. Maybe it's her. Maybe you're being too PFB. Maybe you are both continuing to act to the "script" for your relationship that was written many years ago, in your childhood. Your sister is the golden child, you are the scapegoat?

I'm not a therapist or counsellor, but have found counselling very very helpful in understanding my own relationships. Perhaps you would find it helpful too?

There's nothing wrong with having a moan, though, and MN is a good place to do that.

NormHonal · 05/02/2015 20:41

Ok, I've seen your latest post and that isn't a "normal" response from a mother to a daughter. My DMum cried when I explained we were having problems ttc, then hugged me. Flowers. Both she and my DSis felt protective, territorial and nurturing during my pregnancies. Fearful, yes, but not in the way you describe.

Original poster
Ruralninja · 05/02/2015 20:44

NormHonal you are spot on in many respects - I do believe we are both stuck on a script....how to change it? counselling might help I suppose. I am not sure I can be bothered on my own account, but cannot understand the attitude to dd.
thanks to the posters who have been kind

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruralninja · 05/02/2015 20:47

I don't even know if I am allowed to be angry or sad or what

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/02/2015 20:49

I don't think there is necessarily anything terrible about your mum wanting an adults-only meal for her birthday. Is your mum generally 'good' with small children? Does she generally enjoy their company? Some people don't - my mum doesn't like the company of babies or small children, and didn't really enjoy the company of her grandsons until they were old enough to hold a conversation with her. To be honest, your mum has seen far, far more of your dd in her first 15 months than my mum saw of any of my three in their early years.

Do you ever leave your dd with a babysitter? If you don't, or can't leave her with a babysitter, then your mum ought to know this, and be aware that you and your dd always come as a team, but if you are prepared to use a babysitter, then I think you were being a bit unreasonable to refuse to do so for your mum's birthday lunch.

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