AIBU to just not not not understand my mother's attitude to my DD (long, sorry)

[Ruralninja]

There is a big old back-story which includes the fact that my mother is widowed, lives abroad 50% of the time, has a good relationship with my older sister but much less so with me and is generally considered by her friends to be 'eccentric' - this translates in a day to day way as being unbelievably tricky. I have come to think she has quite strong narcissistic tendencies - I do understand how much that term is bandied about and I don't use it lightly.
The current issue is that I can't get her to visit and my dd (15 months) is actively excluded from family events. It was her birthday recently and I was asked to find a babysitter (in the daytime) so that DM could have lunch out without the hassle of my active daughter interfering with the lunch. I suggested we visit her house for her birthday and bring food etc but this was dismissed because her untrained dogs might knock dd over. She suggested a local pub function room and when I responded by saying we could, but that my ability to join in would be affected by me fielding DD from running down stairs (as occurred last time we went) the response was that it 'wasn't all about me'.

Gosh, if it sounds petty it's because it is. My DH is also excluded whilst my BIL is an essential attender of such events. I don't mind for myself - I am quite tough about it these days, but feel sad for my absolutely joyful DD. She is the kindest, most loving, joy-filled little girl you could possibly meet. She is, as school teachers euphemistically say 'lively' but only in terms of being contained by high chairs or prams etc. She is not naughty or antisocial in any way.

My DM contrived to fall out spectacularly with me about her birthday and I feel sad for her that she is missing out on all this. She has seen dd probably 10 times since she was born. She cancelled visiting the other day because it was raining (my house comes with a standard, waterproof roof arrangement).

What do people do when their mothers are so 'eccentric' that the relationship for both generations just feels doomed to failure?

Sorry for the long post, the devil is in the detail and my ability to be brief has been compromised by my general confusion about the issue.

I didn't refuse - I agreed for her birthday (a Tuesday) when I could get a babysitter, she then cancelled that due to dbil not being able to attend. I couldn't get a babysitter on the next arranged date, so no dd or dh but never mind because dbil could make it!

Sorry - I missed that bit.

I don't mean to dripfeed btw. it can all sound a bit "yeah but no but yeah but....'

I would just let her be and get on with your own life. Out of interest what is your MIL like ? If she is interested in your DD let her be Involved Granny to your DD and enjoy the relationship that they and you build together.

You sound a bit difficult to please tbh. You were annoyed by the grown-ups-only suggestion where the adults could all enjoy themselves. But the alternative option of including your DD was equally cause for objections because DD would require you to run around after her. So what would have pleased you?

I don't doubt your DM is difficult. But are you so easygoing yourself?

Maybe if you're both too prickly to maintain a positive relationship with one another it's best you disengage, but don't pretend its solely because of her eccentricities.

"she refused to discuss my pregnancy because I had trouble conceiving (said she had to protect herself emotionally in case it went wrong"

This says all that needs to be said, really. She couldn't have shouted "ITS ALL ABOUT MEEEEEEE" any louder, could she.

You don't have to play her games, or run around trying to please her.

well Fish I was not annoyed by the suggestion of a grown-ups only per se, but couldn't get a babysitter after she cancelled the original date. I suppose with her seeing dd so little - so probably only 3 times since she last arrived back in November (including Christmas, but that's another story!!!) I thought it was a bit of a lost opportunity generally.

Thank you Patriciaholm..... I'm trying not to cherry pick the responses that support what I think already, but actually that does sum up how I feel

I would try to keep DD away from this kind of influence and not expose her to any person who finds her in any way 'less than'.

Bea my mil is lovely....so interested in dd and even though lives 300 miles away, manages to stay very involved

good point missus - was seeing it from pov of dm missing out but I'd hate dd to feel she didn't measure up somehow

It really is her loss and that's the only way to think of it. She sounds as though she is deliberately finding problems / putting up barriers so that you will either chase after her ('please come to my house!' on rainy day) or say no and then she can get all huffy at you because you're not making an effort, even though she's put conditions in place that meant you didn't feel welcome. You are supposed to make things all about her, and the presence of a toddler (the definitive 'all about me' people - not meaning that critically of yours, it's how they are!) stops that happening, ergo she has to prevent toddler being there.

No easy answer unfortunately other than to back off, accept/extend invitations when you can, decline otherwise, and act as if it's a pity but not something that deeply bothers you. She may give it up if she thinks you've stopped reacting or caring as much.

Not knowing you so therefore being objective your post reads that your mother is all about her and you are all about your child ((I said i worried about chasing after my child etc re the stairs in function room). It reads that your mother isnt child friendly and she resents you being all about your child. I think you probably need to accept that leopards very often dont change their spots at that age . If things worsen, counselling will give you ways to cope or look at it with less hurt for your and your daughters lost possibilities for a normal granny relationship.

Its a shame but at her age she is unlikely to change and what she said re your problems conceiving is a massive ref flag re being narcisisstic and lacking empathy. As she lives abroad, being pragmatic or trying to be glass half full, you havent lost much if things do worsen and could find a surrogate granny figure in an older relative or friend eventually elsewhere. Its sad, i feel for y ou.

sazzle your post is very kind.... I will try to be pragmatic... so hard to move on