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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask au pair to leave

56 replies

Figamol · 04/02/2015 19:54

So we took an au pair from Eastern Europe 3 weeks ago, in really good faith, yes they don't earn a lot but she only did 20 hours a week and half of those my DS was asleep. We agreed she'd stay until the end of April to get us through a very busy period and then I'd help her find another family as a proper nanny. Paid for all her food, moved my DS so she had a large room and bathroom, let her take DH's car to go out. Offered to pay half of her language course. My inlaws even spent last weekend driving her around where she used to work 5 hours away to pick up her stuff and store it.

In short we did everything to make her feel welcome even though she's not great and spends so much time in her room to the point its weird, on Skype loudly till 3am keeping us awake etc, and has built NO rapport with our other two kids and barely does half the agreed chores. Last week she took a long weekend so didn't even do close to her hours. But I let stuff slide as she was only here short term and its just a lot of stress to look and change and confuse my little DS. She did the minimum and it was just enough.

So last night she walks in kitchen and says 'Oh by the way I've got a new job starting a week on Monday, it pays more so Im going to go and I know you are a great family and I feel terrible…...' She couldn't understand why I was p**d off. I feel very used and am so annoyed she must have known she was leaving when she had my inlays running her around. Next week is our school holidays so when I tell my Dad what she's done he says he's coming down to help for a few days, awesome Dad :)

So today I ask her nicely if she will leave this Sunday potentially leaving her with nowhere to go. I can't hide my anger, Im uncomfortable in my own home and I want the room back for my Dad. Is this unreasonable? I figured she's 27 and canny enough to have been sorting herself out behind my back so she'll find a way, be it going to the new family earlier or going to her friends 5 hours away. I feel its not my problem.

OP posts:

pressone · 04/02/2015 20:38

No where to go? Are there no youth hostels/hotels/B&Bs in the world any more?

Take the keys from her (or preferably change the locks, let her leave her stuff she can collect it at mutual convenience, but she won't be sleeping on the street.

BreeVDKamp · 04/02/2015 20:53

She's TWENTY SEVEN????? wow I thought that she sounded like a very green newly fledged 18 year old or something!!

Janethegirl · 04/02/2015 21:00

I'd give her 24 hours notice as you need the room for your dad. She can book into b&b for the rest of the time until her new employment starts.

Altinkum · 04/02/2015 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Figamol · 04/02/2015 21:06

:) Unfortunately you're right! The au pair scheme just wasn't for her!

OP posts:

Altinkum · 04/02/2015 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fantasmicos · 04/02/2015 21:33

if you take a job on and you know the wage, do it properly till you can find something else, she sounds like she sucks to be honest. Hopefully she wasn't the Au Pair who feature in the other thread in the Relationships board?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2297206-Husband-Caught-in-Au-Pairs-Room?

Original poster

Figamol · 04/02/2015 21:33

I understand, but look for a well paid nanny job straight off instead of pretending to be an au pair wanting to join your family and using you as a hotel until you can bugger off!

Au pair work is typically from 1-12 months, its supposed to be a temporary experience to enjoy another culture and be a big sis to some cute kids. A career it is not!

OP posts:

Original poster

Figamol · 04/02/2015 21:35

Ha no. Oh god!!! Poor family!!!!

OP posts:

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 04/02/2015 21:43

I'd ask her to leave tomorrow afternoon. I wouldn't leave her in the house and I certainly would not leave my DC with her - and I speak as someone who has done a masters so know how important it is to turn up but there is not a chance in hell that I would leave my DCs with anyone I didn't trust and/or there was bad blood between.

halfwayupthehill · 04/02/2015 21:48

I had an au pair. Arrived Friday early evening. Started crying. Went out most of sat. Quit 6pm sat. Expected to work her two weeks notice.

Original poster

Figamol · 04/02/2015 22:04

Oh no! Was she young?

Oh a right dilemma. If i dont turn up for any of the next three days, I fail the whole year :( theyre that strict. I dont not trust her, I dont love this situation but feel like I have no choice. DH just has to be at work these next two days. Argh!

OP posts:

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 04/02/2015 22:27

Well you can't trust her to provide the cover so it has to be your dad so she has to leave, you need the room. She reaps what she sows, and is old enough to sort herself out (27 is not the same as 17 - certainly wouldn't turf that age out, but 27 is fine).

smellsofelderberries · 04/02/2015 22:50

If you need the room then tell her that and make it clear you expect her to leave. That sounds like a shitty situation for you. If she's going to leave you in the lurch then she needs to accept that it goes both ways. Let her go to a hostel.

Lovelydiscusfish · 04/02/2015 23:00

Why is everyone assuming she's a thief? What evidence is there of this?
OP, if you need to ask her to leave sooner than she plans to because you need the room, then, yes, I guess you can/should do that. Presumably the contract you have with her (if you have one) makes that possible? Does it also make the notice she has given you ok?
If you have no contract, then presumably it's just a free-for-all, from both sides.

DeepTurquoise · 04/02/2015 23:12

Shocked at the assumption that she is a thief simply because she's chosen to leave a job!

holeinmyheart · 05/02/2015 00:45

I have had lots of Au-Pairs. I have absolutely no problem about the Posts Au-Pair being asked to leave. She is a waste of space. However she was way to old to be an Au-pair.

My list of desirable attributes in an Au-Pair are.

They have a Mum and a Dad at home.
They have siblings, so they are used to sharing.
They are between School and University. Too old and they will dictate their rights to you. 26 is too old.
They are German or Scandanavian.
They have good exam results. The more intelligent they are the easier they adapt.
They don't smoke.
They eat anything.

I put an advert, through a friend, in a German Grammar School. Then each Au-Pair got the next one.
You need a strict timetable of duties. Be Too soft in the beginning and they will walk all over you.
They need privacy and time off. This must be respected.

My children could all speak before they were looked after by Au-Pairs.

We are still in touch with some of them that we loved.

Balaboosta · 05/02/2015 07:38

Oh please. Apart from driving to get her stuff, everything you did is the normal stuff you have to do to accommodate an au pair. She's not a guest, she's an employee. You sound resentful from the start about the work you put in. And then she was crap anyway. So it's good she's leaving, even if you're in a pickle. Why the hell would you leave your kids with her for one minute?! And of course! You can't chuck her out!
I sympathise with the difficulties you're in but get used to this! An au a pair is not cheap labour. You have to work at it - to find one and keep one. YABU and worthy of a mumsnetty accusation of entitlement. This is parenting. It goes like this.

Aridane · 05/02/2015 09:27

Why the 'lock up your valuables' posts?

TooHasty · 05/02/2015 09:35

barely does half the agreed chores.
I thought an au pairs job was childcare not housework!
She has given you more than a weeks notice.Why doesn't she jut continue til then, and then let your dad take over.You seem to be making difficulties for yourself!

MissDuke · 05/02/2015 09:43

I am also shocked at the 'lock up your valuables' drama - you trusted this woman with your children, so surely you trust her with your valuables? I know she has annoyed you, but she hasn't behaved dishonestly or illegally surely.

MrsTawdry · 05/02/2015 09:45

Duke me too! And so odd to let someone you don't trust care for your DC!

Aherdofmims · 05/02/2015 09:53

I think YANBU to ask her to leave. Sorry you have had a bad experience.

Having an au pair can be really great. We have had 3 fab ones, all through an agency.

I think you have to consider people's reasons for wanting to be an au pair - it is probably better if it is the traditional year or two long cultural exchange rather than someone looking for a stepping stone to a job in UK.

Aherdofmims · 05/02/2015 09:56

TooHasty

Au pairs can do chores - things like loading/unloading the dishwasher, putting kids clothes away, tidying a few toys etc.

They are not supposed to be a cleaner but that doesn't mean you can't ask for some things over and above childcare - they are not a nanny but not a babysitter either. It is supposed to be like a much older sibling or cousin living with you who had agreed to do certain tasks (including childcare) for pocket money, accommodation and all food. You would ask them to do some chores, wouldn't you?

Aherdofmims · 05/02/2015 10:08

I'm a bit shocked by this:

"My list of desirable attributes in an Au-Pair are.

Some of it I agree with, but a bit shocked that you think only those nationalities are worth bothering with. Our au pairs have been French because DH speaks French and I do a bit, but I wouldn't say any particular nationality = better au pair.

Also I don't agree that between school and Uni is better, but this is a matter of opinion. I prefer au pairs who are 23/24 ish - I think between school and Uni is too young as they can have trouble setting in away from home. I have found au pairs who have lived away from home at some point a plus as they know what needs to be done around a house.

Also I don't think good academics is necessarily a plus - you need someone practical and sensible first and foremost. This doesn't always go together with good academics.

Having siblings is definitely a good thing.

Eating anything I grand you is good - but we had a vegetarian au pair and we coped fine. We are all very adaptable foodwise. I wouldn't like an au pair who only wanted junk food though.

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