AIBU to want to throw my stupid hoover to the other side of the universe and tell it to stay there

[farewellfigure]

I have hoover rage. Stupid plastic pile of electrical rubbish. I can't think of a single nice thing to say about it.

It hurts to hoover. I mean what kind of idiot designs a hoover that actually HURTS your hand? It is the opposite of ergonomic. My hand is throbbing.

It is so heavy you have to stop to pull it otherwise it just refuses to budge. And this is supposed to be a light model. It's like a tank.

The cord is so tight that if you reach the end of however much you've pulled out, it pulls the plug out of the wall. Before you hoover you have to pull the WHOLE DAMN FLEX out of the hoover otherwise it just unplugs itself. Which means you're trying to hoover a carpet covered in tangled flex.

The hoover jams on everything. It doesn't slip round the sofa or the door or the oven... no it just stops dead and glares at me. And if you pull it because you're so ANGRY at it jamming, it flips itself over and makes an 'I'm dying' noise.

The sucky tube is so short it makes my back ache. And I'm only 5'3". Which also means that it's too short to reach cobwebs.

And don't even get me started on how hard it it to pull the stupid plasticky tools off the end. People actually gave this hoover nice reviews on Amazon. They were all liars.

I gave it a good kicking before throwing it back in the cupboard.

I absolutely despise my Hoover with every fibre of my body, and it's a Dyson. Doesn't seem to have the wherewithal to suck up bits of fluff and tiny feathers from the duvet, preferring to simply run over the top of them. Run it vaguely past the bottom of a curtain or over the edge of a rug, however, and it jolts itself into action - sucking everything it sees round its rotating bristly jaws. Hate the thing

I am so confused! Has anyone made a hoover that is universally liked? Or even one that works OK would be a bonus.

My Hoover also fails to suck up fluff and cat hair, then positively ENJOYS eating the door mat and any other soft furnishing that gets in its way.

And if you try to nudge a piece of Lego out of the way with the end, it gobbles it up with gay abandon. It's like it has a Lego magnet on it or something. Hateful machine.

Another vote for Miele, model S2 or something - mine is light, the bag is easy to change and it fits in the cupboard. Also have a hand held Dyson which is mega useful.