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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about christening rejection

76 replies

28boxestogo · 04/02/2015 14:50

Ex SIL (married to ex DH brother) recently had a baby. We've been friends for 5 years. Ex and I split 2 years ago and both have new partners.

SIL are still friends. Since the split we've been out together, see each other weekly and text every few days. We still give presents at Xmas etcetc.

She text this morning to say "hi x bit awkward but just wanted you to hear from us not someone else. Baby's christening is booked for April, things might be a bit awkward having you and new partner and ex and new partner there so we've not invited you. DC still invited with ex obviously, sorry but thought it might be for the best xxx

Whilst ex and I don't particularly get on we are in no way argumentative or can't be in the same room together. We are perfectly civil when we see each other. Ex however has done his utmost to cut any ties between me and his family which SIL knows. Added to this I know SIL is now friends with ex's new partner who refuses to speak to me or get out of the car when they pick up DC for access.

I'm extremely hurt that SIL doesn't seem to have the backbone to just say "get over it ex, we're still friends and I'm not not inviting her just because it's awkward for you"

AIBU?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 04/02/2015 15:54

I think she is in a difficult situation. Because if there is any awwardness it is best you and your ex are not both there. And she can't really not invite her brother. But I don't blame you for being hurt. And I think it must be quite difficult when ex partners retain quite close ties with the ex's family. Unless everyone is fine with it.

HappyAgainOneDay · 04/02/2015 15:55

I wouldn't send a gift as another poster has suggested. After all, it's not Christmas or a birthday. Christening presents are usually or used to be just from the godparents. Having been to a one or two recently, I noticed that everyone invited had bought a present.

crje · 04/02/2015 15:56

They are not your people
I think it was for the best

be understanding & save your friendship

MissLurkalot · 04/02/2015 15:57

I forgot to add, I agree with *mrsteddy... Re-evaluate your friendship with her... She could've told you in person instead of this lame text... You're worth more than that, and she chickened it. If she knew you, she'd know how much it would upset you, and should've treaded more carefully.

MissLurkalot · 04/02/2015 15:59

But, is this always going to happen? He 'trumps' her in social gatherings?? Is there any future in this friendship?
OP, has this not happened before? X

DurpDurp · 04/02/2015 16:02

OP, FairPlay for realising you were being a bit U. I don't think the text was brilliantly written but I don't think it was rude or inappropriate either. I think it's all a bit awkward and whilst not inviting you is a bit Confused I think it's ok.

A cheery text and no present is ok.

TidyDancer · 04/02/2015 16:20

I've re-read this and I think I would consider keeping her at a distance in the future. The text was spineless and at best inappropriate and if the friendship was valued by her as much as you I would've expected her to say it face to face. That is aside from whether or not an invitation would've been expected (that's open to opinion).

Not that you shouldn't stay in touch with an ex's family, but I would consider whether it's the best plan for you in these specific circumstances. This kind of thing happening again is almost inevitable when you think about it.

vortexshedding · 04/02/2015 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyMare · 04/02/2015 16:40

can i just say a text maybe "spineless" but some people are really really bad at bad news, and would rather avoid you for 3 years than tell you bad news.

it doesn't have to mean she values your friendship any less, but that christenings are seen as family things and your ex sounds an arse and nobody wants a scene.

He may not even know you are still friends and might really kick off if he found out.

wheresthelight · 04/02/2015 16:44

I think her sending a text was totally unreasonable, given the issues and the fact you say you and her are still close then she should have spoken to you in person or at the very least rung you.

that said having had my dd christened when she was tiny I had to have a similar conversation with a onve close friend as she is still close to my ex and I didn't want information getting back to him (he isn't dd's father but is an arse) so had to explain that as I knew she had been passing info back to him I couldn't have her there.

sometimes it's more about not having drama on the day and that means it's often easier to deal with the fall out before/after

Original poster
28boxestogo · 04/02/2015 18:01

Thanks for all the replies.

No this hasn't happened before, SIL and ex BIL got married after our divorce and I was invited to the hen do, wedding and reception.

When their baby was born I was on the list of people told before it went public on FB etcetc

Due to my job I was there all through her pregnancy and afterwards have supported her when she has asked or needed help.

I will send her a text saying no problem, but honestly I feel very hurt and will slowly back away from the friendship.

OP posts:
MissLurkalot · 04/02/2015 18:04

Sounds good lovely.. X

grovel · 04/02/2015 18:07

Blimey, I feel sorry for your SiL.

cheeseburgerandfries · 04/02/2015 18:13

YABU, while it would be nice for you to have been invited, her priority should be her brother and his partner.

She may think that having you there will cause (unneeded) tension and ,to be fair, it's her DC christening day so she has the right to enjoy the day without worrying about silly things like that.

cheeseburgerandfries · 04/02/2015 18:15

I've just seen that your ex DH is her BiL and I think the same principle stands, he's family and well you (as ex Sil) aren't really family anymore and this is a family occasion.

OliviaBenson · 04/02/2015 18:18

I think I would text back acknowledging that you appreciate the difficult position she's in, but you wouldn't see an issue in you both putting your grievances aside for the sake of celebrating a christening, saying how disappointed you would be to miss it but ultimately leaving her to decide?

It's really shitty OP and I feel for you.

Peacocklady · 04/02/2015 18:34

Did you and your ex both go to her wedding then when you were divorced? And now you're not invited to a christening? Sounds like his new partner is getting possessive to me. Your SIL prob just avoiding a scene. If you're so close why don't you just ring and chat about it? Clear the air?

Original poster
28boxestogo · 04/02/2015 19:28

Yes we both went to her wedding. This was before we had new partners.

OP posts:
vortexshedding · 04/02/2015 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 04/02/2015 20:41

Agree with vortex

Feel sorry for you. Best you can do is reply cheerfully to the text saying you understand and it's ok etc. I think she could've told you about it rather than sending you a badly worded text but it's done now.

And I'd be reassessing the friendship too.

Evabeaversprotege · 04/02/2015 20:44

yanbu.

I would say no problem but still let her know you're hurt.

jimmycrackcornbutidontcare · 04/02/2015 20:44

I think when you split up with someone it is up to them whether their family maintains contact with you or not. I would not want my ex at family events.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/02/2015 20:51

I think its actually quite mean.

You went to their wedding after the divorce. But because he has a new partner, you're suddenly being pushed out.

I dont think you have any hope of friendship with her anymore.

justmyview · 04/02/2015 20:51

I would bet SIL agonised over whether to tell you face to face or email or text and how to phrase it. I think her text was OK

joanne1947 · 04/02/2015 20:55

As I understand it in most, I think all, churches a christening is a public act of worship. If you turn up at the church no-one can stop you taking part in the service, it is a public and open to all service.