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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about christening rejection

76 replies

28boxestogo · 04/02/2015 14:50

Ex SIL (married to ex DH brother) recently had a baby. We've been friends for 5 years. Ex and I split 2 years ago and both have new partners.

SIL are still friends. Since the split we've been out together, see each other weekly and text every few days. We still give presents at Xmas etcetc.

She text this morning to say "hi x bit awkward but just wanted you to hear from us not someone else. Baby's christening is booked for April, things might be a bit awkward having you and new partner and ex and new partner there so we've not invited you. DC still invited with ex obviously, sorry but thought it might be for the best xxx

Whilst ex and I don't particularly get on we are in no way argumentative or can't be in the same room together. We are perfectly civil when we see each other. Ex however has done his utmost to cut any ties between me and his family which SIL knows. Added to this I know SIL is now friends with ex's new partner who refuses to speak to me or get out of the car when they pick up DC for access.

I'm extremely hurt that SIL doesn't seem to have the backbone to just say "get over it ex, we're still friends and I'm not not inviting her just because it's awkward for you"

AIBU?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2015 15:03

How is it mean?

It's a family event and the OP's children are family.

If she hadn't have mentioned they were invited, the OP might have assumed they weren't and that might have made her even more upset.

momb · 04/02/2015 15:03

It's not about him though: it's about her husband and all the extended family who'll be on tenterhooks waiting for your ex or his partner to kick off. Be her friend. Accept the text in the way it was meant. She is not the only one who decided that guest list.

Lambzig · 04/02/2015 15:04

No you are not unreasonable to be a bit upset, but I do think you need to see that there are probably good reasons why you are not invited and that probably SIL is not too happy about the situation either.

OllyBJolly · 04/02/2015 15:04

Ex SIL is in an awful position and I can completely understand how upset you must be. In fact, you're probably equally upset - although she has probably had the difficult conversations with several family members.

It would be a lovely gesture for you to text back and say you appreciate reasons and wish them well for a lovely day.

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2015 15:05

Why is this all about your ex SIL anyway?

Do you not think the baby's dad has had any say?

Perhaps he doesn't think his brother should have to suck it up?

Original poster

28boxestogo · 04/02/2015 15:05

Also wondering how I will tell DC that I'm not invited as they are well aware we are friends, we were there yesterday for dinner.

But tricky to explain to DC that I'm not invited.

OP posts:

NorwaySpruce · 04/02/2015 15:05

Does she regard you as a friend, or just her nephew/neice's mother?

Either way, your ex is family, and you can't expect to trump that.

SweetValentine · 04/02/2015 15:05

Yanvu to be upset. But she's doing it for peace and quiet so her child's christening isn't riddled with drama.

Sucks though

Original poster

28boxestogo · 04/02/2015 15:07

Ok, IABU and will text back something cheery.

It's not just a family event lots of our mutual friends are also invited by the looks of FB this afternoon. Invited have obviously gone out hence why she text, which I do appreciate.

OP posts:

trufflesnout · 04/02/2015 15:07

It just is mean. It's sad. I feel for OP, she thought that she'd been able to keep contact with someone who was close to her despite what sounds like a bit of a messy separation. SIL might've approached it in lots of ways, but she didn't, she chose this way.

This whole line: Baby's christening is booked for April, things might be a bit awkward having you and new partner and ex and new partner there so we've not invited you. is poorly written, and mean. If it's a family event, say that. Say "we've had to just stick with family members for the christening, so I'm so sorry we can't invite you".

And - if SIL is still auntie to OP's children, then surely OP is still auntie to SIL's child?

Lambzig · 04/02/2015 15:08

I think your moral high ground post is a bit mean. Yes possibly that would stand if it was her birthday party or her event, but it isn't. Its a christening and presumably her husband has equal say in who is invited.

As for the children, you don't have to make a fuss about it, just say you are doing something else that day.

BarbarianMum · 04/02/2015 15:10

Davsmum · 04/02/2015 15:13

Your ex has a new partner and because he is the actual Uncle of the baby then he takes precedence over you.
You said his partner does not speak to you so she probably sees you as a threat? Not all new partners are comfortable with exes.
Of course your Sil has to think about HIS ( & her husbands) family and how they all feel.

My DP would not want to attend anything that my exes family were doing even if they invite him.

LittleBairn · 04/02/2015 15:19

I can see whose thins its best you do not attend but I can also see why you are yet too. For me that would end the friendship, being that you will be cut from all celebrations and gatherings.

beachysandy75 · 04/02/2015 15:21

Sounds like your ex has asked her not to invite you and she feels awkward about it. She has been put in a difficult position and if I was you I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Try and rise above it and send a nice card, that way she won't feel bad and your ex and his girlfriend will seem like the petty ones.

Mrsteddyruxpin · 04/02/2015 15:23

I don't think you are being unreasonable by hold your head up and keep things cheery

That said.. It would leave me in no doubt as to the value of the friendship. Keep her on the periphery

Aeroflotgirl · 04/02/2015 15:24

I am afraid she is in a bit of a rock and a hard place. I get the feeling she definitely would have invited you if you had no history with her brother, even though you will be civil and polite, does not mean your ex and his new partner will if you are there. You being there, will detract from the main event, and unfortunately cause a scene or atmosphere which she does understandedly does not want. Please don't take offence, get her baby a nice present and give it to her when you see her next.

Waitingonasunnyday · 04/02/2015 15:28

I feel sorry for SIL caught in the middle and think she has handled this the nicest way she could. I agree with sending cheery reply.

yy to just say to DC that their dad is taking them. they don't need an explanation as such.

Littleturkish · 04/02/2015 15:29

I can totally see why you're upset. But it is probably for the best.

Do something lovely that day and don't let it get to you.

GokTwo · 04/02/2015 15:32

I can understand why this is upsetting, you are perfectly at ease with your Ex being there but he is not with you being there. To be honest though, she had to upset one of you and in this instance, as the occasion was her child's Christening she obviously felt that tension would make the day difficult.

TidyDancer · 04/02/2015 15:37

So you saw her for dinner yesterday and she waited until today to tell you by text? That's a tad spineless isn't it?

Not sure where I stand on the bigger issue though. I think since her delivery of the news was rude it would cloud my view. She of course has the right to invite who she wants but I would be upset by similar. Putting myself in her shoes, I can see why she would choose a peaceful day over the possibility of conflict, but as someone who values loyalty of friends I'd like to think I would invite you and trust adults to be adults.

ToffeeCaramel · 04/02/2015 15:41

Maybe your ex has not wanted to tell his new partner that the relationship finished because he had a 2 year affair and has invented a reason and he's worried about you and the new woman being at the same function and it all coming out, so has asked for you not to be there, saying how awkward it would be?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 04/02/2015 15:45

It is understandable, however she and her DH will want his brother there and want the day to run smoothly. She has probably agonised over sending the message.

It's one day.

"SIL, totally understandable, hope you all have a wonderful day, the kids are really looking forward to it. See you soon x"

OneDayMySleepWillCome · 04/02/2015 15:50

Yep, I think you are being unreasonable! Can't believe you would expect an invite. And if it were me, I don't think I'd want to go to a roomful of ex's family and nor would my new partner surely? Maybe I could understand you feeling aggrieved if you'd heard about the christening on fb or a 3rd party but she even sent you a kind text to explain.

MissLurkalot · 04/02/2015 15:52

It's a shit situation to be in, and I truly feel for you. I would be really upset by this. But, honestly, I think it's the right decision... Your exh sounds like an arse! But, at the end of the day, it's his brother's kids christening, and he should come first, no matter what an arse he is. I understand your hurt, but I think put on a smile and let it look like you're fine with it. I'm worried if you let on your true feelings it might cause a row.. But it's a hard one, as you're obviously good friends.
But when it came down to nitty gritty, he came first.??
I hope this doesn't damage your friendship with your friend, but it could, if not careful, eat away at you. I know it would with me.
Sorry if I'm not offering anything constructive, but just wanted to show you that I understand how you feel x

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