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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you to talk me out of having another baby

52 replies

CountryMummy1 · 04/02/2015 10:07

DH and I have 2 children. Very difficult road to get there with infertility and 6 miscarriages. We know we are very lucky to have 2 healthy children and agreed that we would count our blessings and stop.

However....my sister has just announced her pregnancy and I have had a desperate feeling of sadness that I'll never be pregnant again. It's completely barmy as I had severe hyperemesis throughout both pregnancies and was in and out of hospital on strong medication. With my last pregnancy I had awful SPD to the point I was on crutches and I know it would be worse next time. Both labours were difficult, babies got stuck, heart rates dropped and they were both pulled out with last ditch attempt forceps just before they were going to do a CS. It was all very scary.

Both babies had milk intolerance and severe reflux to the point of hospitalisation and me almost crazy with sleep deprivation and PND.

My DDS is just 3 now and a delight. She's so easy. My DS is harder work but Still fairly easy at 11 months. Both sleep through and still nap. I am just starting to think about getting a life for me back.

We have saved carefully over the years to afford to send them both to private school and for me to be a SAHM. This would all have to change with a 3rd.

Yet...I feel the urge. Tell me I'm barmy please!!!!!

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 05/02/2015 00:38

it does wear off after a while. like four years

Laura0806 · 05/02/2015 09:09

mmm I think if you truly have the urge, its v hard to shake it. I did and now I have 3. I don't think I would have ever felt quite right without 3 but.......it has been sooooo hard. My youngest has never slept. At 3 still doesn't. The older two have missed out on so much and they have a grumpy mother most of the time. We can't afford holidays etc . Obviously, I wouldn't change it for the world now I have 3 but think VERY carefully whilst you have 2. I also, personally find you loose the broody phase as the youngest grows into a toddler-with all the tantrums etc ( my older 2 didn't have them but by gosh has my third!!). I still think babies are adorable and get that ooohhhh how lovely but then I realise they grow up and need so much from you that you are torn in 3 different directions. The only different sceanrio is if you are very young ( Im not) and you can wait 10 years then its like starting over and you are not so pulled. Although a teenager with a baby..................what does your OH think?

MissDuke · 05/02/2015 09:16

After I had dd1 and ds I was sure I was done. But that broody feeling appeared and wouldn't shift, so I had to do it. I have no regrets and we all adore dd2, and the best bit is I am not broody anymore - I Was afraid I would always be broody for 'one more'.

Your situation is very different though, having a third hasn't really affected our finances as we don't private school, just a bit more childcare to pay for but my goodness is it worth it. If you do I think you need to wait a few years - why not set yourself that aim and see if you still want to then? There is no way you could cope with a preg with a baby with the SPD and all.

JugglingLife · 05/02/2015 09:18

I second penguin, much as I adore my 3 little darlings , we are seriously outnumbered and it can be exhausting especially when they get older and you need to be in 3 places at once. What does DH think? Mine booked his snip before DC3 was born and had the procedure 2 weeks after. He knew he had to take the decision out of my hands as I would not have known when to stop. He made the right decision but I do still pine for 'just one more'!

Babyroobs · 05/02/2015 09:23

I have 4 , they are older now but when they were all young it was a nightmare. Like you I had severe emesis each time, difficult births with 2 of them, pnd and had to go back to work when each was 6 months old. I honestly can't remember much about their early lives which seems a shame now .Now they are older they are increasingly expensive and it's hard to keep up with all the activities, teenage traumas, parents evenings, option choices, acne problems etc etc as well as having to juggle working nights etc to pay for them all. I love them all to bits but it is hard work and sometimes i wish I had stopped at two instead of giving in to those brody urges as soon as the youngest hit a year old. If I had my time again. I would try to do things more rationally !

Mozzereena · 05/02/2015 09:31

When my dds were small I didn't think I could realistically cope with a third. I used to tell myself "Two's company, 3's a crowd. It really helped me to not want that third kid.
When the dds were 15 and 16 I gave birth to my beautiful DS (now 6)
I still want more kids but there's no chance of that - DH is far too sensible!

MrsTittleMouse · 05/02/2015 09:32

I was dreadfully broody for a third, but rode out the urge. I have no regrets at all, and in retrospect it would have been a dreadful idea. I also had problems in pregnancy - not as bad as yours - and I felt that I wasn't really a proper Mum to my eldest when I was pregnant with the youngest. SPD just gets worse with each pregnancy, and HG doesn't tend to magically go away.

It's a natural thing to feel broody when your youngest is coming up to a year I think. I had it with both of mine. But frankly, I think that I would have felt broody after every baby, no matter if they were the 2nd or 10th, so I had to stop somewhere.

Good luck, whatever you decide. :)

LMGTFY · 05/02/2015 09:39

Booking a holiday or hotel room becomes a nightmare as there is usually only space for 2 kids in a room, so you need 2 rooms therefore doubling the price. Think of all the awesome cheap breaks you can have just the 4 of you.

MajesticWhine · 05/02/2015 09:43

The urge is natural and normal, but remember it's partly nature playing tricks on you, this urge to reproduce. It will pass and you will be glad you can enjoy your 2 little ones without the pressure of a 3rd driving you to the brink of sleep-deprived and post-natal insanity.

mrsmootoo · 05/02/2015 10:03

After DD1 and DD2 I knew that wasn't enough. Had lots of miscarriages before and after both pregnancies (which were actually easy once they got going) and eventually discovered I needed Thyroxine. After 6 months of taking it we tried again and had DS. Fantastic! But then I was 100% sure three was enough. It just felt right. Maybe we were trying for a boy, but you've already got one of each, OP. I think it was more than that though - I wanted slightly more chaos than two little (now big) girls. But if you've struggled with the pregnancies and them as babies maybe you should remember how hard it was...?

Rjae · 05/02/2015 10:16

I agree you are in the 'constant trying' mindset, but you need to start enjoying the products of all that trying so YABU

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 05/02/2015 10:26

"You will never regret another. You may regret not having another."

I wish people wouldn't say this. I don't think it's correct. You may regret anything you do, including having a third child. If you're struggling to find enough time and money to do the things you want to do for your DC you may well think "maybe it would have been best not to have another child". Not to say that you wouldn't love DC3 just as much as your first two.

But if you say "you will never regret another", you have to carry that on logically and use it as a reason to go for DC10+! I have a 3yo and a 9mo and am still to reach a firm decision about going for one more (leaning to no) but I can easily see myself thinking in years to come "I'm glad I didn't go for that third as I wouldn't be able to do this".

CountryMummy nobody can tell you what to do but you do have valid reasons for stopping at two. In your position I think I would not have DC3.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 05/02/2015 10:41

Think of the state of your pelvic floor after another pregnancy, unless you enjoy wearing incontinence pads!

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2015 10:59

Please just be happy for your sister and let her have her moment without you feeling resentful or jealous (easier said than done!)

You have 2 already, you suffered and so did they in the early days.
Be grateful, concentrate on making them and you and lovely happy family unit.

Theas18 · 05/02/2015 11:05

Aww. Broody is normal!

Take a deep breath. Write all the issues you had in pregnancy down. Do it now whilst they are hot in your mind. SPD isn't to be sniffed at . It'll get earlier and more severe each pregnancy. Have you even really got back to pain free and full activity levels now? My friend never did recover from her SPD .

then, as your baby grows and gets to say 18 months get the list out and look at the advantages of CHILD 3 and ADULT 3 in your family set up. Try not to think about "baby 3" as the advantages of a "baby" are fleeting ( does that make sense?). and the disadvantages of no 3 child/adult. Not just producing that little person. A family of 5 doesn't fit the way the world works.Cars are tricky, holidays worse, cinema tickets aren't even made for you and sitting 5 in a cafe... just annoying!

We are a family of 5. Wouldn't change it but it has made us make some choices that families of 4 don't do eg we camped for holidays for a long time as its ££ and you need 2 rooms in a hotel even if they ha ve" family rooms" etc

Schweetheart · 05/02/2015 11:09

You might end up pregnant with twins... Or triplets.

WhereIsMyFurryHat · 05/02/2015 11:09

Think of your sleep, another would screw that up completely.

Being able to leave the house with relative ease.

My third was my most difficult, he was the only one with a CMPI. Saying that my theory is that if you found 2 hard, your 3rd will be a breeze. If you breezed through having 2, your 3rd will be hard. I fell into the latter group,

Don't do it. Says lady newly pregnant with no.4

MrsTittleMouse · 05/02/2015 13:03

Another thought - do you think that as things didn't go easily for you the first two pregnancies/babies that you're secretly hoping that you can "get it right" this time around? I think that was part of the issue for me. I thought that the second would be easier because "no two pregnancies are ever the same!" and it wasn't. Perhaps third time would be the charm? I deserved an easier pregnancy that I could actually enjoy and a baby that slept! Except that in my heart of hearts I knew that life doesn't work like that.

IceBeing · 05/02/2015 13:10

The planet is over populated. Do your bit for the environment by not having another child.....

TeddyBee · 05/02/2015 14:17

I felt that way when both of my first two were about that age - first time round I had DC2, second time round I sucked it up and it did pass. It really did. Then I fell accidentally pregnant with DC3 and it was the worst timing, a horrific pregnancy and she has been full of cold since the day she was born I swear and consequently doesn't sleep very well. Obviously she is cute and adorable etc but really, STOP AT TWO. I have also felt the urge to 'get it right' but my third delivery, other than not needing stitches, was a total fuck up. i assumed it would be my best yet. It was quicker, I'll give it that, but it was not my favourite experience of giving birth.

MummyBeerest · 05/02/2015 14:52

I feel exactly the same as you, exceptI just have one. Due to having HG during pregnancy, difficult labour and PND for a year coupled with general anxiety, my husband and I have agreed that DD will more than likely be an only. Though I know this is the best choice for me, it kills me because I always wanted to be a mother, ideally to 3 children.

I try to remember that having sleep, a happy child and a good, stable environment for my family is something I want long-term, whereas a cuddly newborn, though wonderful, doesn't last.

That's only me though. Hard to say if that's right for others.

weeblueberry · 05/02/2015 21:14

Enjoy your new neice or nephew. Spend lots of time with them and then relish the fact that you're getting all the lovely baby cuddles and playtime without all the crappy whiny evenings and sleepless nights and broken pregnant body.

EasyToEatTiger · 05/02/2015 21:25

I longed for more than 2. I started very late and am lucky to have 2. It really is too late now, and I'm getting my own life back. The thought of starting again is really rather horrifying. Yes, it's horrible feeling jealous. But life isn't a competition. I got pg with a coil and it was a disaster. Really not nice and could hardly have been more inappropriate. The coil got in the way, but it was a very frightening time. The feelings do pass.

Original poster

CountryMummy1 · 06/02/2015 19:25

Thanks everyone. DH and I had a good long talk last night and I discovered he feels the same as me. However, when we looked at the negative we know it would be madness and our 2 DC would suffer as I would be so incapacitated. We started taking about all the things we can do as they get older and I felt excited about it. Thanks for all your comments - they really helped as we read the thread together x

OP posts:

LokiBear · 06/02/2015 20:17

Focus on being an auntie, it is lovely!

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