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Original poster

To get a blunt knife and stab 50% of the office (lighthearted)

53 replies

Mlb2015 · 04/02/2015 09:30

So I'm 6 months into taking my first full time office job. I'm making double what I used to, healthcare, pension, sick days bla bla

But its full of noisey eaters. There is a guy next to me slowly eating muesli, he lifts the bowl to his face, bashes the spoon on the bowl, blashes the spoon on his teeth, chews loudly making slapping noises then bashes the bowl back on the desk. It drives me crazy. Then there are the crisps, apple and carrot stick people that eat slowly most of the day. The guy opposite me has a can of coke, then burps without even covering his mouth or saying exusce me, more he finds it funny. I can smell his digesting food when he does this, this is a guy in his 40s ffs. Arrrrg I miss working on my own.

OP posts:
MrsRayOfSunshine · 04/02/2015 11:01

Could cut the atmosphere in here with a blunt knife.

LongDistanceLove · 04/02/2015 11:06

Hahahaha sunshine Grin

MrsRayOfSunshine · 04/02/2015 11:09

Hope I haven't offended the atmosphere

It was all fun, I have not and do not intend to go blunt knife wielding towards said atmosphere

LaLaLaaaa · 04/02/2015 11:21

it clearly states light hearted in the title! I would suggest hiding the thread if you find it offensive.

My colleague has added grunting, sighing loudly because someone dares to send him an email asking him to do some gasp work, plus cracking knuckles.

squoosh · 04/02/2015 11:27

We had a munchy museli eater too OP!

He's gone now, that's all I'm saying..................

squoosh · 04/02/2015 11:29

To be honest I'm amazed there isn't more office based violence. We're basically stuck in a cage for 8 hours with all kinds of moaners, sniffers, muesli munchers, skivers, egotistical idiots and 'woe is me' types.

bumbleymummy · 04/02/2015 11:34

Aforementioned noisy eater also occasionally naps at his desk.

MrsRayOfSunshine · 04/02/2015 11:35

He's gone now, that's all I'm saying

Haha squoosh Grin

squoosh · 04/02/2015 11:36

I do agree that you're wrong to say you'd like to stab your colleagues though OP.

A dash of strychnine in the watercooler would be a much better idea.

MrsRayOfSunshine · 04/02/2015 11:39

Agreed, much less effort and can take them all out at once on lunch break

squoosh · 04/02/2015 11:44

Tidier and more efficient and won't cause you as much physical exertion.

WittgensteinsBunny · 04/02/2015 12:32

It's the apple eaters. By far the worst. Crunchy apples should be outlawed in public and work spaces. I used to sit next to my boss (lucky me) who would eat apples thus: crunch, chew, chew, chew, chomp, gulp, mmmmn. Wait for a second. Crunch, CRUNCH, chew, chew, chew...repeat until apple is gone. Bleugh. It made me feel so sick that I had to leave the room on more than one occasion much to the amusement of other "knowing" colleagues. Now I just have a noisy toddler eater at home to deal with, much more palatable! I dread the day I have to go back to work in an office, for fear of another apple eater...

MrsDiesel · 04/02/2015 12:38

I agree with Long Op you ate suffering from Misophonia, it is so hard to deal with. I have it too and the feelings of rage are overwhelming!

MrsRayOfSunshine · 04/02/2015 12:39

I hope he didn't eat the core bunny, Apple core eaters make me sick, animals...

squoosh · 04/02/2015 12:40

Oh I had to share an office with an apple eater Witten, every morning at 11am she'd crunch, crunch away. I'd have to get up and leave the room.

Thankfully she's gone now too..................

MrsRayOfSunshine · 04/02/2015 12:44

I'm glad I don't share an office with you squoosh, im a knuckle cracker, one of those loud offensive people who crack their knuckles in 6 different ways, it annoys both coworkers and everyone I know, I assume I wouldn't have knuckles left of I sat next to you Blush

Gruntfuttock · 04/02/2015 12:45

Not only did noisy eating make the 2 hour train commute to and from London hellish (or rather, more hellish) for me when I worked, but my reaction - aka incandescent rage - made the journey worse for my then DP (now DH) who was commuting with me as we both worked in the city. I really can't stand it at all and having nowhere to escape to was torture.

myotherusernameisbetter · 04/02/2015 12:47

I have that thing posted earlier, it may end in divorce - not lighthearted :(

I agree, you definitely need a sharp knife in terms of speed - I know that a blunt one will cause a fair bit of damage and be very satisfying but they will honestly manage to pin you down before you complete the job and escape.

Have you considered a taser?

BauerTime · 04/02/2015 12:48

I was so happy when I heard of Misophonia being a real thing. I 100% have it and im sure that anyone I have ever lived with will vouch for that.

I have my ipod ready to go on my desk all day and pop it in when someone starts making too much noise. This time of year some days I wear it all day if my boss is here as she is a sniffer.

Lady who sits next to me is lovely but gulps louder than ive ever heard anyone gulp before, and ive got TWO apple munchers opposite me. At least 3 apples per day between the two of them.

Guy I used to work with cleared his throat every 10 seconds or so. How I sat next to him for 2 years is beyond me. Every day was hell and I used to look forward to the times I could sit earphone-free when he was in meetings or on annual leave.

Hoppinggreen · 04/02/2015 12:52

I'm a freelancer so work mostly from home on my own
I spent half a day in a client office recently and wanted to kill them all!!!
I actually just couldn't wait to leave and scuttle back to my cave - I have to be quite perky and positive for my job and I couldn't keep it up that long.

WipsGlitter · 04/02/2015 12:52

I have two tea slurpers in my office (there's just the three of us in here). Nightmare.

squoosh · 04/02/2015 12:54

A knuckle cracker MrsRay!

That would be intolerable for me, that beats muesli munching and apple crunching by a long shot.

I wouldn't say anything to you about your horrendous habit but I have a feeling there would be a tragic accident involving you and a faultily wired photocopier.

MrsRayOfSunshine · 04/02/2015 12:58

Oh no! I will know not photocopy my bum anymore to avoid any nasty incidents!

OttiliaVonBCup · 04/02/2015 13:02

It's not funny.

If it was you would not have needed to slap 'lighthearted' in the OP.

YellowTulips · 04/02/2015 13:27

Suggestion OP - go out for lunch and whilst you are at it maybe browse for a birthday gift for your mother as per your other (unpleasant imho) thread running today.

Guess it's a slow day at the office for you...