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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'Youre going into hospital?!'

62 replies

SneakretSanta · 04/02/2015 07:42

'...but, what's going to happen to the baby?'

Errrr. His other parent will look after him.

Often followed by: 'On his own? Is your Mum/ his Mum coming to help??'

No. Because he is a competent adult who in the past six months has already unravelled the mysteries of nappies, tiny clothes and amusing/ consoling his son.

This is quite genuinely the first and mostly only question people have asked me upon learning I'm imminently going to be hospitalised (not for very long or for anything very serious).

AIBU to think if it was DP going in NOBODY WOULD ASK THIS??

Disclaimer: I'm not looking forward to this at all and am very very hangry on pre-op diet, so fully prepared to be considered unreasonable.

OP posts:

Showy · 04/02/2015 16:30

I think I must be the exception to the rule because if I had been going into hospital when either of my dc were little, it would have been reasonable to ask how that would work out for dh. Mostly because I am a SAHM and DH works very, very long hours. I was breastfeeding round the clock and the small, day to day things which cropped up with the dc (what ds meant when he said bowmow, where the 'doojy' was kept, which food he meant when he asked for spangly lunch', which days dd had which clubs etc) were things I was used to and dh might very well not have experienced regularly enough to know them off by heart. Of course when here he is as involved as I am but he had/has no breasts and simply hadn't spent the same amount of time in a week dealing with the children and their idiosyncrasies, plus he has a full time job which isn't easy to get time away from. There is no question that as a parent he would manage just fine if I had to go into hospital but with feeding, separation anxiety and being the primary caregiver it is reasonable to assume that my absence would mean that some things would be difficult. All of this of course results from knowledge of our familial set up. As it happens, when I had to stay in hospital with ds as a baby, DH's parents and grandma had to help out too. DH physically couldn't do it all on his own.

It's like if I had to drive dh's car. I could do it as I'm a driver too and no less competent than him. But I'd struggle to find the right bits in good time, some things would be unfamiliar and I might have to ask a couple of questions and make a few false starts.

This of course does not take away from the fact that in general, yes, it's bloody ridiculous that people 'assume' a father to be a lesser parent than a mother just because they have a penis.

All the best for your hospital stay.

Fishcotheque · 04/02/2015 16:36

Yep. Women expected to suffer and be martyrs. And most of this shit is perpetuated by women.
If BIL or OH are ill MIL is like "oh poor (them)". If SIL or I are ill no such comments-no one is bothered.
My Mum "feels sorry" for my OH. I'm heavily preg and haven't slept for more than two hours at once for months. But poor OH because pregnancy is hard for men.
MIL was raving about FIL "doing my hoovering" and "dealing with my dog" Er, isn't it 50% his hoovering and 50% his dog anyway? Does he not make mess or own said dog.
MIL thinks I should iron DH's shirts. I work same amount of hours as him. He should iron mine.

Waitingonasunnyday · 04/02/2015 16:43

I get this at work events... 'who's looking after the children?' and my standard reply is 'luckily they have another parent too!!'

Mind you, it is happening less and less the snappier I get

Dazedconfused · 04/02/2015 16:50

I mentioned to my dad yesterday that my lovely husband got me a spa day for two and i am going with my mum (they are not together) in 3 weeks time when my daughter will be just under 5 months old. my dad said oh well will he want us to drop in and help (love my dad and his partner but they are never much help(ie sticking face in crib when wee one is trying to sleep) I said no it will be fine but my dad has insisted I ask my husband in case he can't cope. no one asks me if I can cope and my husband is really excited to get 5 or 6 hours alone with his daughter since he works all week and only gets an hour in the evenings before bedtime.

Dazedconfused · 04/02/2015 16:56

The other women perpetuating thing we went to my aunts just after Christmas for a few drinks and food etc. my husband said he would drive and I could have a couple of drinks I am ebfing at the moment so was hardly going to be tanning the drinks just wanted to have a couple for the first time in over a year since was pregnant for most of 2014 then knackered for the last 3 months. my step gran started on about my poor husband being expected to drive and did he not want a wee drink...I just snapped well he had lifts from me all year so he can bloody drive for once amd got hens arse mouth at me

CrazyTights · 04/02/2015 17:09

I teach, DH works from home. I regularly got comments about how good he is to take the children to school so I can get to work on time.

Andcake · 04/02/2015 17:12

YANBU - my dp is a sahd and I get lots of questions about what he is going to do etc...where as I'm sure if it was me I wouldn't

ChattyAndCatty · 04/02/2015 17:23

YANBU!
The amount of times I hear 'Oh he's a very hands on type of Dad isn't he?' About my DH!
No, he is just a bloody good parent, doing what ALL good parents should be doing!
He is perfectly capable of looking after OUR children on his own. Always has been, always will be! He may double check a few things with me, but I am with them 24/7 and he works 40+ hours a week, I get to see all the new 'quirks' before he does usually.
I'm very much a homebody and prefer to be home with them all than out, but on the rare occasions I am out I often get 'Oh, is DH babysitting them then' NO, no he is not, he is just staying home with his children. Babysitting is not what it's called when a father looks after his own children. DH and I have never once been asked if I 'babysit' our kids?
It's ridiculous and that particular phrase does actually give me the rage a bit tbh

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/02/2015 17:27

Its a archaic throw back attitude still doing the rounds from when the men's only job was to earn the money, the woman's job was just everything else.

Heebiejeebie · 04/02/2015 17:36

I often say 'I'm babysitting' if my OH has plans and I can't go out. I don't think its so weird - it's an easy way of saying 'I'm solely responsible for childcare tonight and am not available for other activities.

skylark2 · 04/02/2015 17:43

"I often say 'I'm babysitting' if my OH has plans and I can't go out."

I agree. It's an easy way of saying "I can't come then" without having to be specific.

I still use it now even though my kids are too old to need babysitters - it's a shorthand for "my kids are doing something they can't do without me there."

slightlyconfused85 · 04/02/2015 17:52

Yanbu. A very good friend had a hen do a couple of hours from home when dd was 5 months. Dp looked after her all on his own for, wait for it, 2 days and one night. Extended family were shocked and surprised at dds own dad looking after her

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