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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'Youre going into hospital?!'

62 replies

SneakretSanta · 04/02/2015 07:42

'...but, what's going to happen to the baby?'

Errrr. His other parent will look after him.

Often followed by: 'On his own? Is your Mum/ his Mum coming to help??'

No. Because he is a competent adult who in the past six months has already unravelled the mysteries of nappies, tiny clothes and amusing/ consoling his son.

This is quite genuinely the first and mostly only question people have asked me upon learning I'm imminently going to be hospitalised (not for very long or for anything very serious).

AIBU to think if it was DP going in NOBODY WOULD ASK THIS??

Disclaimer: I'm not looking forward to this at all and am very very hangry on pre-op diet, so fully prepared to be considered unreasonable.

OP posts:

bonkersLFDT20 · 04/02/2015 12:20

Little I don't understand what you're asking me, but I'll explain what annoys me, and it's the assumption that I am at home and the father is at work.

In fact I work from home now so am more easily placed to collect our son, but a couple of weeks ago when they couldn't get hold of me, they left a message, still didn't call my husband and I picked the message up an hour later.

CornChips · 04/02/2015 12:27

Yep, agree with everyone else. My DH works abroad most of the time, and is back only a few weekends in the month. This has been going on for 2 out of DS's 4 years of life. No-one, but NO-ONE has ever asked me if I can cope.

Late last year I had to go on an overnight work trip. My own parents commented how 'good' DH is to take over. And our neighbours, who have never even asked me in for a cup of coffee actually invited the two of them over for dinner so DH would not have to cook. DH turned them down as he and DS had a McDonalds date, but really it wound me up quite quite severely.

Whereareyouscooter · 04/02/2015 12:34

I'm in bed with a stomach bug / food poisoning (I'm not sure which but it's bad!) I've just called my DM for sympathy who promptly quizzed me on who was going to cook my Dh & Dc's tea!! She's decided she'll have to come & make it...God forbid a 40 year old man caters for himself & children! And I could of really done without her listing meal ideas whilst in my current state!

LittleBairn · 04/02/2015 13:00

bonkers It was your 'heck they invited me in to talk about it' I though you meant about being a working mother, I assume I misunderstood and you meant the discussion was about them not calling your DH?

Ephedra · 04/02/2015 13:45

My mum was a single mum, so if she dared go out without us she was always asked where her kids were. The tone the people used when asking always implied that mum was neglecting us and that she should be ashamed for having a life.

So instead of saying we were at our dads, she would tell anyone who asked that she had locked us in the shed!

Kittymum03 · 04/02/2015 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Safyre · 04/02/2015 14:10

On my third day back at work leaving DS1 (2.5) and DS2 (6m) with their recently made-redundant father - I think every single person in the office has asked how he'll cope.

Aside from the fact that he's probably more suited to being a SAHP than me - he'll just HAVE to cope!

CallMeExhausted · 04/02/2015 14:13

My DCs are 9 and 16. The 9yo is disabled but she has her DB and DD to care for her in my absence.

I had surgery in December (out the same day) and still heard this. Apparently, siblings/fathers are expected to be incompetent and any variation on this raises them to sainthood.

squizita · 04/02/2015 14:18

My dh is going part time when I return to work. (without cutting back my management role). FWIW dd will be considerably older then.
Cue slack jawed shock.
In London in the 21st century.

WineIsMyMainVice · 04/02/2015 14:23

I had exactly the same comments when my newborn DS was taken back into hospital at 18 days old, and my DH had to look after the toddler. I had to go and stay in hospital with DS and had so many comments about how great my DH was!!!

ThereisnoFinWay · 04/02/2015 14:25

Yanbu, I was away with work for one night last week and I was asked this. I looked at them in bewilderment tbh. So much so they had to repeat the question. DH has been a parent as long as me, hes quite capable of putting two children to bed and making his dinner.

kat360 · 04/02/2015 14:39

YANBU! My dh is armed forces and is away a lot, so when he is here he is very hands on with my 4. I remember sending him shopping with all of them when I was ill, he came home ranting because an old lady had asked dd1 if mummy was near? Then she asked my dh if he was "babysitting for mum". It really annoys me as noone would dream of saying this to a mum so why say it to a dad!

We also get asked various offensive other thing due to both being quite young (27 &29) and the four of them being quite close together (5,4,2 & 10 months) e.g don't you have a tv, there are other things to do in bed, etc

bonkersLFDT20 · 04/02/2015 14:42

Little Oh I see. No, they invited me in to talk about my job to the students.

newnamefor15 · 04/02/2015 14:59

It is so insulting, isn't it.

Similar one when I'd just started a new job, having recently split up amicably from husband. He was taking our 10 year old on a camping holiday for a week. He'd booked a couple of nights but after that the plan was to drive around and stay where they fancied.

God the uproar in the office when I told them.

I still don't know if they thought he couldn't look after his own child on his own, or was likely to run away to Australia with him, but I was an IDIOT to have agreed to this. There were gasps of horror. A cacophony of voices telling me omg why did you allow that.

While I was standing there like a rabbit in the headlights trying to say 'but that's child's DAD' an older lady suddenly spoke up and gave them all a big telling off for being a bunch of ridiculous drama queens and told me to ignore them as obviously child was fine with Dad.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/02/2015 15:09

Apparently I was a pisstaker because I got my ex to look after DD while I was at a wedding (ASD DD's worst nightmare) because I obviously just want to get pissed.

Yes obviously, its a wedding, I hardly go out, so yes I would like a night to myself.

Also he's her dad, what's wrong with them spending time together.

cocolacocotte · 04/02/2015 15:10

Something similar happened to me just yesterday.

I called a crèche to make an appointment to try and get a place for my (as yet, unborn) son in September (I'm in France, things work differently here). The only appointments available are in the middle of work days. I work full time on the other side of town, roughly an hour's journey each way to/from their office but DH is currently on extended sick leave following an operation so would be able to attend.

I asked the woman on the phone if both parents had to be at the appointment, she said no so I booked a time when I know DH will be able to make it. The woman gave me the (ridiculously long) list of documents they'd need to see and confirmed the date and time, saying 'See you then Mrs Coco'.

At this point, I foolishly mentioned that actually, it would be my husband who would be attending as I would be at work. This was greeted by a sharp intake of breath, followed by a long, drawn out 'ooooooookaaaaaaaay' and a comment along the lines of 'let's hope he'll be able to get to grips with the situation'.

FFS they must have some clue that I work full time, otherwise, why would I be applying for a full-time place in a crèche for a child who will be 3 months old at that point? Also, what the actual fuck is so complicated about the process that possession of a Y chromosome might render you incapable of following it?

toomanywheeliebins · 04/02/2015 15:25

This boils my blood. 'He's a great Dad' particularly. He is a good 'parent' thanks

CornChips · 04/02/2015 15:54

Oh, I have just recalled another one!!!! When DS had to get his pre-school boosters I was at work, and DH took him to the surgery. He was asked 'Where's mum?' in a tone he thought was them being critical of me for not being there. DH is pretty rubbish at nuances and things, but he said there was a definite air of disapproval that 'mum' (i.e. me) was not there.

Tangoandcreditcards · 04/02/2015 15:58

wheeliebins - exactly. Have you ever heard anyone described as a "hands on mum" (with apologies to kat who inadvertently used my trigger phrase..)

Tangoandcreditcards · 04/02/2015 16:01

I've also remembered DO taking DS to his 10 mo check at the HV.

HV said "and where is Tango?"

DP simply replied "I'm Tango now"

Has any HV ever asked about the whereabouts of 'Dad' at a clinic visit?

SorchaN · 04/02/2015 16:04

I work full time and have three kids. I've been asked many times how I manage. The father of my children has never been asked how he manages to juggle work and childcare.

NerrSnerr · 04/02/2015 16:12

Oh yes. I have concert tickets booked for next month when our baby will be 6 months old. Mil Is convinced my husband can't look after her, I mean he has only been doing it since she was born.

QuestionsaboutDS · 04/02/2015 16:19

DH took some parental leave when DD was tiny and I had a work crunch. (Being fed a mixture of BF/EBM/formula top ups - as she had been from birth). He went to an NCT meetup and they all pretended to believe that he was a perfectly normal parent until DD got hungry and started to whimper. The NCT mums started to panic that the baby would starve to death, and were genuinely dumbfounded when DH got a clean bottle, a carton of Aptamil and a pair of tiny scissors out of his rucksack and proceeded accordingly. I have no idea how they imagined a four month old baby whose mother was out of the house for 9 hours a day was being fed.

Butteredparsnips · 04/02/2015 16:24

Tango I was going to make that point. If ever DH has taken our DC to any medical or appointments, he has always had the "and where's Mum then" comment. Apparently men don't take children for vaccinations...

I hope you are feeling better soon OP

Twitterqueen · 04/02/2015 16:25

Sorry - bit of highjack
This has brought back the rage and resentment I felt when husband (at the time) was a SAHD looking after 2yr old and building a conservatory extension.

He coped because he let her sleep for hours and hours in the day, so was awake til midnight though I needed to go to bed at 10. He also was under no pressure on the build - it didn't affect the house.
"oh isn't he marvellous!" "How does he do it?" (because I do every-fucking-thing else, including night-waking). "Aren't you lucky""

NO he wasn't marvellous, he wasn't helpful and I wasn't lucky...

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