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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to stay at the same hotel as family on our wedding night?

59 replies

Sugarfreeriot · 03/02/2015 14:35

Mil asked us where we were staying on the weekend of our wedding, me and dp are staying together the night before as aren't doing things the traditional way. Planned to get ready together and stroll down the he registry office and meet family there.
I assumed that she asked because she didn't want to book the same place, it was the opposite she wants to stay with us at the same hotel so she and her dh can get ready with us and have breakfast etc together.
She knew our plans, we told her but she's booked the same hotel thus going against our plans entirely.
Hotel is non refundable.
Not much I can do now but aibu to be a bit miffed.

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 03/02/2015 14:56

Ypu need to get your dp to spell this all out to them.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/02/2015 14:59

Just tell them you aren't doing it the traditional way.
You are having time ALONE in your room and getting ready JUST THE TWO OF YOU.
I really don't see why that is difficult!
Am I missing something?

ILovePud · 03/02/2015 15:01

I think what they have done is inappropriate and intrusive, the cheek of them trying to muscle in on your plans on your wedding day. My first suggestion is to get your fiancé to speak to his parents and explain what you want for your wedding day and ask them to cancel their booking. However as others have said them wanting to be in the room with your from 6am doesn't mean that it has to happen. Ultimately they can book a room at whatever hotel they want they are paying guests and you can't prevent this but you can absolutely draw a boundary around not having them in your room and not eating breakfast with them. You need to be firm about these things or your whole married life will be dominated by these kinds of impositions.

Bettybodybooboo · 03/02/2015 15:01

What do you actually mean? You are undressing and getting dressed together?

Because that's wierd.

Tell them you are getting ready as a threesome and will see then there.

They can only impose if you let them!

DisappointedOne · 03/02/2015 15:02

My husband left me in the hotel room the morning after our wedding to visit members of his family that had turned down the invitation to our wedding. Having breakfast with your inlaws doesn't seem that bad, does it?

WipsGlitter · 03/02/2015 15:04

Just tell them you want to get dressed alone! Do not let them into your room!!

Let DP go for a swift drink with his dad beforehand while you put the finishing touches on.

dogelove · 03/02/2015 15:05

I don't understand why you are complaining rather than just sorting the situation out.

Ring the hotel and say to them that you want to be in a room very very far away from Mr and Mrs X, as they are your in laws and you would prefer some privacy on your wedding day. Also ask if they can leave a note on the system which explicitly states that your room number isn't to be given out to ANYBODY - including family member - as no-one in your family has any understanding of the concept of privacy.

This will not be the first time they've had requests like this, and unless it's a shitty motel or something, then they will have no problems accomodating your request.

Tell your DP that you want to get ready together, without any other family around. If that means lying about your room number, so be it. If it means turning around and telling them to fuck off and stop following him, then so be it. If it means getting out the lift one floor too many and walking down to get to your actual floor, then so be it.

If your in laws start bitching about why you are being so secretive, then be blunt

"Well, we specifically wanted to be in a different hotel to other so we would have privacy to get ready together. You weren't considered some special exception to that so I don't see why you are acting all surprised about it now".

Seriously. One phone call to the hotel and a conversation with your DP. That's literally all this takes to resolve.

Violettadoesthekondo · 03/02/2015 15:05

Just text her. 'Glad you booked the hotel. The plan for the wedding morning is that DH and I will get ready together and we will meet you by the main front doors just before we leave for the registry office at x time'

Vycount · 03/02/2015 15:09

Op - sit down the 4 of you and be completely clear.
Mil/Fil - I just want to run through our plans for our wedding day. We are staying at X hotel because we are going to take our time getting ready together and then stroll down to the registry office together. We'd like everyone there when we arrive.
We can tell from a few things you've said that you are planning that we four will be getting ready together, maybe going to the registry office together... (edit as required). That's kind of you but really, we don't want to do that. We have always planned to start the day together and we'd like to stick with that. We want to have breakfast alone together and get ready just the two of us together. So can you promise us now that you'll leave us to ourselves on the day, and the first time we'll see you will be at the registry office? We know it might sound strange, but we are really looking forward to that time together, just us without DD.

They only want to share the day with you, but they can't just invite themselves.

Deal with any objections by simply repeating the appropriate bit of the above. Don't make excuses, don't compromise (it will give an opening). If they turn up on the day just say "Honestly, we meant what we said. Please, we'll love to see you at the registry office". Or alternatively get close to the door and make bumping noises against it while groaning "Yes! Yes! Don't stop! Harder!".

Probably what I'd do is write off the cost, cancel the room and quietly stay somewhere else. Even if you need to book a cab to the registry office. I'd ring the hotel and explain that your wedding is getting hijacked and see if they can be won over to letting you off some of the cost.

MimiSunshine · 03/02/2015 15:10

We told them of our plans but they I think want us to do it traditionally.
Tough, you have made your plans. Just stick to what you both want. Maybe DHTB could suggest meeting his father in the bar the evening before for 1 a drink while you have a bath for a bit of father / son bonding.

Goldmandra · 03/02/2015 15:13

The hotel may be willing to downgrade the room in order to facilitate a swap.

Davsmum · 03/02/2015 15:16

It doesn't sound like you make it clear to her when you said you told her your plans. Maybe she did not think wanting to be away from other guests included her and FiL.
Do what PercyGherkin suggests and say it means a lot to you that NO ONE sees you until you make your entrance! That is an excellent idea that she cannot argue with.

namechangenooney · 03/02/2015 15:17

My PIL booked a holiday for themselves and my BIL and wife flying out to the same hotel as DH and I were at on honeymoon without any consultation. We spoke to them about this and they changed their destination, things were a bit strained for a while but in fairness they have been a lot more considerate since and check things first now. You have to nip this in the bud, I know if I hadn't I would have been hugely resentful and headed for some meltdown rant at them which all would have soured the honeymoon and my relationship with them.

irregularegular · 03/02/2015 15:17

Did she know that you explicitly wanted that time alone with DH and that you didn't want family and friends about? if so, then she is definitely being unreasonable and I would reiterate that you want that time together and have no plans to come to breakfast! But it may have been a misunderstanding if you weren't clear??

We spent the night in the same hotel as both our families and close friends. We booked the whole (small) hotel where the wedding was taking place. It was lovely to have lots of time with everyone who had travelled a long way. But that was our choice!

redredholly · 03/02/2015 15:20

What a bitch - I'd be livid, and would tell my DH to sort it with them. You don't want to be disturbed or see them before the wedding, no compromise.

Davsmum · 03/02/2015 15:22

Hardly fair to call the woman a bitch when we have no idea why she did this.

I would certainly NOT be changing hotels or rooms or whatever - Just be straight with the woman, nicely,.. Its up to her how she takes it.

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 03/02/2015 15:25

She knew. We told them to avoid this. It's not personal but we just want space alone together for once. She knew it but it's done now so will just have to have the whole conversation with her again

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 03/02/2015 15:26

Are there any other hotels nearby? If so, if you explain the situation to the present hotel, they might be prepared to give you a credit note for a night at the hotel on, say, your 6 month anniversary. And, if you do swap hotels, don't tell PIL!

OwlBeGoing · 03/02/2015 15:26

Presumably this is the first time your DP has got married. I can kind of see why his parents would want to spend time with him in the morning before the wedding

DealForTheKids · 03/02/2015 15:27

Have very, very loud sex on the morning of your wedding. Embarrass the hell out of her. She deserves it!

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 03/02/2015 15:35

It's not about what his parents want. It's meant to be our wedding day. We've already gone against what we wanted to keep them happy by my eloping and it's never enough

OP posts:

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 03/02/2015 15:35

By not eloping*

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2015 15:41

And there's your problem. You showed, by agreeing not to elope, that your wedding was their business and that they get a vote. You now have to take the power back. TELL them you are getting ready, just DH and you, on the morning.

Alternatively, one of you stays naked until the inevitable knock on the door, opens the door a crack with obvious nakedness and says, "umm, see you later" and closes the door.

ImperialBlether · 03/02/2015 15:46

You need to be absolutely firm with her and if she says just one thing out of line, say, "Okay you are giving us no choice. We're going to cancel the wedding and go away somewhere on our own to get married."

Leeds2 · 03/02/2015 16:09

I think you should also consider what you will do if, having successfully managed to avoid them on the morning, you go down to Reception to walk to the Registry Office and find they are waiting to walk with you.

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