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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my sister is taking the piss?

72 replies

EyelinerQueen · 02/02/2015 20:01

I have 3 siblings. We all live in different countries. My Dad's 70th birthday was recently and I suggested we book my parents flights and accommodation for a weekend in a city they've always wanted to go to. Everyone said yes, great idea. I said I was happy to do all the research and planning and to pay and then they could all pay me back via PayPal or bank transfer.

I booked it at Xmas. My two brothers sent me their share the same day. My sister said she would sort it straight away when I asked.

One month later and she still hasn't sent me the money. I've reminded her/asked twice. Apparently she can't work out how to use PayPal (a professional, computer literate woman with access to the internet at home and at work) and the banks are only open when she's at work (her DH does shift work and has full days off on which he does errands/banking/shopping).

There is back story. A few years ago I sent a big parcel full of presents for her and her kids (worth Â£80) which she left sitting in the local post office for a month despite knowing it was there because she was "too busy" to collect it. It subsequently got lost in the postal system when they tried to return it to me. She was wholly unapologetic.

It's not an amount I can afford to just write off.

AIBU for feeling miffed that I'm having to push so hard for something that was 100% agreed to?

OP posts:

nunkspugget · 03/02/2015 06:45

Can you tell her outright that its embarrassing for the both of you having to constantly ask for her share? Maybe she just has rhino skin about owing money and needs to know its not on!!

123upthere · 03/02/2015 06:51

Can your brothers try and get the money from her then forward to you?

123upthere · 03/02/2015 06:52

Say the hotel booking company have demanded payment by end of this week?

wowfudge · 03/02/2015 06:54

Presumably PayPal works from other European countries in the same way as here so the OP's sister can make the payment using a debit or credit card without having a PayPal bank account?

I hate it when people think they can pay when they are ready having readily agreed to your expenditure on their part. Ring your sister OP, and email her and tell your brothers you is leaving you in a financial pickle.

wowfudge · 03/02/2015 06:57

123 the parents have already had the present. I'd be more inclined to tell her that if she doesn't pay you, you will default on your mortgage as you can't afford to subsidise her for another month.

Violettadoesthekondo · 03/02/2015 06:58

Can you and your brothers each remind her a couple of times a week.

Violettadoesthekondo · 03/02/2015 07:04

Next time you want to group cash together for something. Tell your sister ONCE that the money has to be with you a week before you give the gift (give exact date in writing). Explain if she can't give you the money beforehand, she will need to buy her own gift as you aren't chasing her for cash anymore.

Ihavealwaysbeenastorm · 03/02/2015 07:12

You fancy send an invoice from your PayPal to her email. She enters her card details and jobs a goodun.
It sounds to me like she doesn't want to pay, maybe she's annoyed or jealous that you have the idea and organised it when perhaps she wanted control over this?if it was my sister id pester her daily for it. Maybe even twice a day, has she a Dh? Pester him too.

Ragglefrock · 03/02/2015 09:41

How about sending a passive aggressive email to your brothers and copying her in for info. Along the lines of "Thanks for your contribution to Mum and Dads gift they've just told me they're really looking forward to it which is great - but I've asked sister for her contribution and as she is unable to pay would you mind subbing her or covering her share? Cc Sister for info - would an instalment plan be ok to pay us back?"

pillowaddict · 03/02/2015 09:46

What does she say when you ask her outright for the money - when she gives you the excuses, does she acknowledge that she will need to come up with some other way of giving you the cash?

you: can you send that money please?
dsis: oh I can't get to the bank or work paypal
you: well I need it so what will you do to make sure it gets sent before xx date?
dsis: ...?

fascicle · 03/02/2015 09:49

OP, put the ball in her court re: payment method so that she can't keep complaining that making payment is too difficult. And be persistent but keep any emotion out of it (otherwise your sister might react to that instead). Regular contact works well with some debtors - keeps the pressure on and they realise the matter is not going to go away.

bibliomania · 03/02/2015 09:59

CC your brothers into every email request for payment you send her.
If that doesn't work, start cc'ing your parents (assuming they use email).
Embarrass her.

Agree with pp about avoiding emotion.

RaspberryRuffle · 03/02/2015 09:59

Get your brothers to harass remind her.
They can say they can't afford to pay a third of her share and would she stump up pronto.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 03/02/2015 10:49

No advice for this element, other than what's already been posted. Next time ask her for the money in advance, by a date. After than exclude her from joint purchases. She's an adult and if she genuinely can't operate a computer enough to do a transfer of money, then she should be left to get her own present where she can buy it using her card in a shop. Sad, but she's clearly less bothered about it.

Regarding the lost gift, I'd not stop sending gifts especially if they've got DCs but i wouldn't send replacements and would be very clear about writing a return address on the parcel. Could you address it to the DH instead, if he's around to collect during the day?

Original poster

EyelinerQueen · 21/02/2015 14:37

A 'not really an update' update.

She still hasn't paid me. She sent me a breezy Whatsapp message asking how I was etc two weeks ago which I ignored.

My mother rang last night to say that Sis was going to be charged â?¬30 to transfer money to my account so wasn't prepared to do that (didn't mention PayPal which is FUCKING FREE and which I gave her explicit instructions on how to use). My DM is going to put the money in my account and my sister is going to pay her back when she sees her next month.

I'm feeling pretty done with her right now. She's a selfish mare. I would never have treated anyone like this let alone my sibling.

OP posts:

Chillyegg · 21/02/2015 14:43

Invoice her for the money.

I feel your pain j have family members like this.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 21/02/2015 15:19

"My DM is going to put the money in my account and my sister is going to pay her back when she sees her next month."

Whaaaaaat? Now your mum is going to pay for her own present, and be left waiting for your sis to pay her back (who will probably give her the same run-around she's given you)? Tell your mum not to give you the money and that you have specifically given your sister instructions already on how to pay you via Paypal (and unless your sis lives abroad I can't see why they would charge £30 to transfer money into your account? unless she doesn't have an internet account?) and then get on the phone to your sister and 'remind' her you've already sent her Paypal instructions and she needs to pull her finger out
.
I feel for you OP, have been in this situation before myself (grrrr) but here is no way your poor mum should be the solution - it's between you and your sis.

Good luck!

Holdthepage · 21/02/2015 15:26

Next time she sends a breezy how are you message your reply should always be "skint, as I am still waiting for you to pay your share of DP's trip".

Original poster

EyelinerQueen · 21/02/2015 15:27

I know it's all messed up On but I was very much being told after the fact by my mother. When I gave out about my sister my mother was very defensive of her (golden child syndrome) .

I can't be arsed anymore so just said fine. My parents are very well off so Â£160 is not an issue for them. I am pretty sure my sister will pay her back as promised.

Whatever. Is it too early for ?

OP posts:

Grumpyrealist77 · 21/02/2015 15:42

Odd siblings are too common! Time for a full?? I think!

Grumpyrealist77 · 21/02/2015 15:43

*full bottle!

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 21/02/2015 15:49

It's never too early for chuck! I guess all you can do next time (if there is a next time!) is tell your sister to give you the cash first... if she knows there's someone who'll always ride to the rescue so she doesn't have to put herself out when she has to shoulder her responsibilities, she's got no incentive to change, has she?

Anyhoo, it was a fabulous present you and you sibs got your dad and I hope your folks have a marvellous time x

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