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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider compiling a list of "manners for the home" for DH???

46 replies

BlairBass · 02/02/2015 16:42

Of course I know that after a couple of years of marriage and a young baby that anyone would tend to relax the civilities at home... BUT after a weekend with my (usually lovely) DH I'm wondering if being explicit and writing a list of basic manners to be expected wouldn't be a bad idea???!
Has anyone actually had this conversation?
I don't know if it's too simplistic to put it down to his upbringing (quick stab at MIL there!) but he does come from an exceptionally thoughtless family.
This all kicked off from the tiny incident of me bringing him his apple strudel in bed(!!), putting mine on my bedside table while I was getting the dvd ready (yes, it's a romantic life here) he just starts scoffing away. Could he not have waited the 30 seconds until I was ready?! And maybe prefaced it with something like "this looks lovely"... Thoughtless schmuck.
I know. I know. It's hardly a great travesty but it was the straw that broke the camels back as I'm still on mat leave and have 100% responsibility for DD (no nanny, family close by, etc.), a young labrador who needs at least an hour out each day, all laundry and housework, cooking, shopping, etc...

What "basic manners" do you expect from your DH/DP???

OP posts:
livefastlove · 02/02/2015 16:49

I think you have to let all that manners stuff go. My dh does help with the housework and dog walking though.

BuzzardBird · 02/02/2015 16:50

What? Confused

Pensionerpeep · 02/02/2015 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IamTitanium · 02/02/2015 16:53

I think you should do it alongside a star chart.

IamTitanium · 02/02/2015 16:55

Do you ever get strudel in bed?
That sounds like a euphemism Grin

seaoflove · 02/02/2015 16:56

You wanted him to wait 30 seconds before starting on his apple strudel in bed.

If you were out in a restaurant, I can see it would be good manners to wait for both of you to have your food before starting, but scoffing food in bed? Hardly Grin

UsuallyLurking1 · 02/02/2015 16:56

Erm, I think you are expecting a bit much in this one!! I think the table manners go out the window when strudel is being taken in bed! Plus I'd want it all eaten before the film started, don't want clanking forks once it's started!

On the other hand though, he should be sorting the DVD out if you are on strudel duty

If this scenario was repeated in my house my wife would be posting "DH wanted to eat apple strudel in bed, Aibu to LTB"

Yarp · 02/02/2015 16:56

Ach, that doesn't sound like bad manners to me! Sorry. The not waiting, I mean. If he didn't say thankyou that would be more of a problem

Basic manners for me: please and thankyou; when you get yourself a drink, offer me one; clean up your own mess; say goodbye and hello; don't wake me up if you can help it.

These are all no- brainers for my DH.

stayathomegardener · 02/02/2015 16:56

Yes that would annoy me too.
If I serve a meal I expect others to wait until I have sat down before they start eating.
I have been known to be very vocal if they start eating whilst I am organizing drinks, butter etc.
So no you are not being unreasonable.

Sparrowlegs248 · 02/02/2015 16:57

If eating at a table I'd expect him to wait before starting to eat, not sure it applies to strudle.in bed though....maybe you haven't given the best example?

Yarp · 02/02/2015 16:58

Mine were basic manners, Btw. Obviously we both manage a hell of a lot more than that.

zippyandbungle · 02/02/2015 16:58

I do get a bit what you mean. Dh worst one is taking over me mid sentance about something totally unrelated (MIL does this) although he rarely does it now, he just didn't see it as rude.
Just talk to him if it's something that might fester away and become something much bigger than it actually is.

Original poster
BlairBass · 02/02/2015 16:58

Ha IamTitanium - He wishes it was a euphemism!
I have picked a bad example... I can see it makes me sound like a nutty-hyacinth-bucket
Think I'm just at the end of my patience at running the home like a luxury b&b - all meals included. Maybe if you act like a skivvy you get treated like a skivvy??

OP posts:
Daisy17 · 02/02/2015 16:59

You have a baby daughter and you're managing to watch DVDs in bed with your OH whilst eating strudel?! That's my dream for when the DC have left home!!

AliMonkey · 02/02/2015 17:00

Simple thank yous for cooking meal / getting drink are a common courtesy that is frequently missing from DH's vocabulary too. Not getting out iphone at the dinner table is another. Of course you don't have to be super polite to each other all the time but basic manners shouldn't disappear just because you have been together a while. But writing a list might not go down well!

Yarp · 02/02/2015 17:02

Yes, well if you are doing all the strudell preparation and dvd putting in I can see you being justifiably annoyed.

Does he come home and flop?

If so, he needs a reminder that you are not a servant and that outside of his work hours stuff needs to be shared. Otherwise you are working more than a 12 hour day

TheWitTank · 02/02/2015 17:02

ShockConfusedat Apple strudel in bed!
Honestly though, you were eating very casually in your own home - it wouldn't even cross my mind that he should wait. He should be pulling his weight in other areas though, although that's probably less about manners than common decency.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 02/02/2015 17:09

I'm still on mat leave and have 100% responsibility for DD (no nanny, family close by, etc.), a young labrador who needs at least an hour out each day, all laundry and housework, cooking, shopping, etc...

There is no way you should have 100% responsibility for DD when your DH is not at work, nor any of the other household tasks. Does he do nothing when he gets home? Premature strudel eating would be the least of my problems in that situation.

Fabulous46 · 02/02/2015 17:10

I think we need more examples of his bad manners to decide.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 02/02/2015 17:10

And yes, if you act like a skivvy you will be treated like one.

expatinscotland · 02/02/2015 17:12

Why are you acting like a skivvy on mat leave?

Original poster
BlairBass · 02/02/2015 17:17

Yes, premature streudel eating was perhaps the least of his sins on the weekend...
Exhibits A-Z:

Saturday morning sleeping in until 9.30am (baby up at 7) - ok, I let him sleep because he is always so much more tired than me (some people just need more rest?) but 2.5 hours is taking the piss. Am I alone in dreaming of a husband that would get up with me at 7 (it's hardly sparrow fart?!) and make me a cup of coffee while i"m feeding the baby and THEN he can go back to bed?
Gets up when she is napping, faffs about making a cooked breakfast for himself, leaving huge mess
Generally lounges around house - spent 1 hour looking after DD all day before swanning off to play tennis at 4, not back until she's asleep at 7
The streudel later that night was the last straw!!

We did talk about it (like adults!) and he admitted that he didn't help much as apparently he felt "a bit down" from work.
SO... I plan to be "a bit down" this weekend!

OP posts:
Original poster
BlairBass · 02/02/2015 17:21

I think I see "thoughtfulness" as doing what I can to make sure my husband is happy... so if he is tired I like to let him lie in, I like to make him food, etc, etc.
It all just blows up in my face when I realise that I am the only one being thoughtful.
I don't think he's ever actually learned basic manners. When it's explained to him that he can come across as rude (e.g. at my father's house for sitting on the sofa watching tv while we spend an hour cooking his dinner and he hasn't even offered to help) he is genuinely surprised.
At his family's house no-one seems to do anything for anyone else.

OP posts:
lookingforsunshine · 02/02/2015 17:24

I really sympathise..drives me crazy when Ive spent hours making a meal for dh to start eating his before I sit down. To me, its basic manners. Was the strudel homemade? Would be more of an issue to me if it was. Wouldn't expect him to wait if we are eating in front of tv...but thank you, comments on food are expected.

FATEdestiny · 02/02/2015 17:26

Don't write a list. That is ill mannered and patronising in itself.

But talk to him, yes.

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