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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider compiling a list of "manners for the home" for DH???

46 replies

BlairBass · 02/02/2015 16:42

Of course I know that after a couple of years of marriage and a young baby that anyone would tend to relax the civilities at home... BUT after a weekend with my (usually lovely) DH I'm wondering if being explicit and writing a list of basic manners to be expected wouldn't be a bad idea???!
Has anyone actually had this conversation?
I don't know if it's too simplistic to put it down to his upbringing (quick stab at MIL there!) but he does come from an exceptionally thoughtless family.
This all kicked off from the tiny incident of me bringing him his apple strudel in bed(!!), putting mine on my bedside table while I was getting the dvd ready (yes, it's a romantic life here) he just starts scoffing away. Could he not have waited the 30 seconds until I was ready?! And maybe prefaced it with something like "this looks lovely"... Thoughtless schmuck.
I know. I know. It's hardly a great travesty but it was the straw that broke the camels back as I'm still on mat leave and have 100% responsibility for DD (no nanny, family close by, etc.), a young labrador who needs at least an hour out each day, all laundry and housework, cooking, shopping, etc...

What "basic manners" do you expect from your DH/DP???

OP posts:

Yarp · 02/02/2015 17:31

Oh dear.

MarianneSolong · 02/02/2015 17:34

Premature strudel eating can be a frequent source of frustration in relationships.

But it is a myth to assume that the majority of couples enjoy simultaneous strudel satisfaction.

Provide you are both considerate about ensuring the other experiences cake-related pleasure, then the marriage is essentially a healthy one.

Had you thought about trying eclairs?

expatinscotland · 02/02/2015 17:40

And you plan to jack in your job? Bad move.

ImperialBlether · 02/02/2015 17:48

I think he doesn't have very good manners, but it sounds as though this has only really bothered you lately.

Do you think it's because you have a new baby that is absolutely perfect and your previously perfect husband is looking decidedly shabby in comparison? It sounds as though you've just gone off him in favour of your baby.

(Speaking from experience here - I loved talking to my husband but when my gummy bald baby was born, I felt I'd had better conversations with her than I'd ever had in my life!)

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 02/02/2015 18:22

I think I get it (although the strudel example is a bit odd!). My DH has lovely manners, the result of being brought up by a private school headmaster and a private primary school teacher I think . I really appreciate him being polite and considerate at home, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy! I think it will be good for DD to grow up in that sort of environment too.

Soleurmange · 02/02/2015 18:23

Very funny marianne - I guffawed with laughter

Op is your th consider are in other ways?

Original poster

BlairBass · 02/02/2015 19:11

Ah, I feel a bit bad now for ranting here... he IS good in other ways, often takes me away for weekends, books me massages, watches Strictly come Dancing, etc. - I just get frustrated that he doesn't seem to think the small stuff matters... please, thank you, compliments on my cooking (it took me 1.5 hours to make that fucking strudel!)etc.
He isn't a tyrant - expatinscotland - I wouldn't be with him and jacking in my job if he didn't have redeeming qualities!
And no, I wasn't going to present him with an actual list of "Manners for Husbands"... just thinking & getting prepared for a discussion on what he can do to make me feel more appreciated and avoid being snapped at in the future.
GotToBeInItToWinIt - are your inlaws available for weekend courses in gentlemanly manners??!

OP posts:

Sleepyhoglet · 02/02/2015 19:16

OP do you feel like you've taken on more since maternity leave? I do . I do way more than I used to but it's been gradual and I'm not sure how appreciated it is. I wish dh would ask what needs doing as when I ask or tell him I get accused of nagging which isn't fair.

SaucyJack · 02/02/2015 19:19

Unless apple strudel is your code word for anal sex, then I don't see why he needs to wait until you're ready before he plunges his implement into the slimy tube.

Original poster

BlairBass · 02/02/2015 19:22

Sleepyhoglet - I found a good one with the "nagging" jibes was to level the same at DH every time he asked me to do something, no matter how nicely he asked or how reasonable it was I just said "ok, ok, stop nagging!" - he got the idea pretty quickly

SaucyJack - just..eeeeewwwwwww. Clearly, we have very different relationships

OP posts:

egnahc · 02/02/2015 19:25

Appalling manners. Even pigs don't eat in bed.

firesidechat · 02/02/2015 19:33

And once again a seemingly trivial post turns out to be about much, much bigger issues.

Answering your initial question - my husband worries more about my lack of manners than I his. I lick my knife. He hates it.

egnahc · 02/02/2015 19:37

Oh God- sorry I misunderstood the thread. I thought that you were saying that he had no manners as he ate food in the bedroom. I agree- totally awful.

Now I read on and I see from other posts that apple strudel is a euphemism. You need to be clearer. Is this what you meant?

You put a stimulating adult DVD on in in bedroom. He got over excited before you had even got into bed and climaxed? He scoffed (stimulated) himself but then wouldn't wait until you were ready to do the same?

That meant that it was all over before it began and as well as having 100% responsibility for DD (no nanny, family close by, etc.), a young labrador who needs at least an hour out each day, all laundry and housework, cooking, shopping, etc...you also had to take responsibility for your own orgasm?

Sorry I am lost. Just say what you mean. This cant just be about some slob eating an apple strudel in bed?

May09Bump · 02/02/2015 19:39

Oh come on its not even Friday night (anal sex ref) :)

Sorry OP it did make me laugh apple strudel in bed manners, I am very lax in household manners - but you would have to be dying to eat in bed in my home. I think having a young baby a lot of things go out the window, chill out and enjoy some downtime while you can!

FoxgloveFairy · 02/02/2015 19:47

Usual drill is don't start eating until everyone is ready to eat, but strudel in bed? About as casual as casual dining gets.m

Sleepyhoglet · 02/02/2015 23:30

And OP I think we could be friends. It isn't on him startin before you. I don't think it's trivial

Sleepyhoglet · 02/02/2015 23:33

We have a struedel in the freezer. Perhaps I should whip it out for desert tomorrow. I have a 3 month old baby so eat in bed a lot

APlaceInTheWinter · 02/02/2015 23:42

Marianne thank you, your post made me laugh

op I'm not entirely clear on the etiquette of eating strudel in bed as we're strictly anti-eating in bed. However, I do think you should have a chat about his manners if they make you feel unappreciated.

Violettadoesthekondo · 02/02/2015 23:43

I expect a thankyou after I've cooked and served a meal. I also expect the loo seat to stay down and for DH
To stop and give me eye contact if we are discussing something.

herintheredskirt · 03/02/2015 00:48

No to list or "discussion".

Start doing a bit less for him and a bit more for yourself. And give him specific requests to help. Eg "please get the DVD ready while I cut up the strudel".

Violettadoesthekondo · 03/02/2015 07:46

Or when you are ready jump into bed and ask him to bring both puddings through

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