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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be seriously considering using donor embryos?

48 replies

Notmymuse · 02/02/2015 14:57

We've tried ivf with icsi and it's failed three times, likely because of the embryo quality. We have male factor infertility officially but icsi should have got round this so wondering if there's an issue with my eggs too as the embryos didnt do brilliantly. I'm 31 and have no known fertility problems.

We are now considering using donor embryos. Dh is strongly for this. For me, I'm not 100%. I know I don't want to adopt, being pregnant and giving birth is very important to me personally.
However I'm really struggling with this. It feels very selfish in lots of ways. Maybe I'm just not meant to have a baby? Maybe this is just not meant to be and I should accept it.

If this was your only chance of conceiving would you give it a go? Or just try to move on?

OP posts:
MoanCollins · 02/02/2015 15:03

Personally I would do it, but really you have to be totally committed to it, you can't feel that you would resent the child for not being genetically yours. If you don't think you can handle it then don't do it. Your call should be final and DH should respect that. If you think you'd rather not have a child rather than having one that isn't genetically yours then don't go ahead. Wouldn't be fair on the child.

Original poster
Notmymuse · 02/02/2015 15:10

It's not that. It's more - is it right? I know id love the baby it would be cherished.
But is it fair to the child?

OP posts:
MoanCollins · 02/02/2015 15:23

What do you mean? If they were given the choice about being born as a donor egg or never existing at all what do you think they'd choose?

If you are going to love the baby and it won't cause issues with how you bond with it and it's loved and cherished I can't see why not.

In the UK now they can trace their genetic parent and get health histories and meet them when they are older.

KarmaViolet · 02/02/2015 15:30

I would, having used donor sperm to conceive (and planning to donate eggs when my cycle returns.)

I can recommend contacting the Donor Conception Network for specialist support. www.dcnetwork.org

Original poster
Notmymuse · 02/02/2015 15:34

I don't know - will it be hard for that child growing up in a family where it's not genetically related to anyone? We'd tell any hypothetical child from the beginning so it would never be a secret.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmymuse · 02/02/2015 15:35

It won't be genetically related to either of us. Is that a tough thing to knowingly do to someone? With adoption you haven't made that choice. The child is already born.

OP posts:
sparechange · 02/02/2015 15:58

Has your clinic given you more feedback on why it might be failing?
Could you try donor sperm with your eggs if you aren't convinced about donor embryos?

Original poster
Notmymuse · 02/02/2015 16:06

No, I have zero faith in my clinic though. They've not been great. The first two cycles we didn't even get a follow up appointment. They've just vaguely said 'it might be the sperm or it could be both of you.'
We got to transfer each time but we've never had an embryo make it to blastocyst. I didn't think it would work from the outset.

OP posts:
Kannet · 02/02/2015 16:15

Hi

I am currently 10 weeks pregnant with a Donated Embyro. I could not be happier. I intend to tell the child as soon as he/she is old enough to understand. I dont think the genetics matter as everything that I have dont since the transfer will shape who the child will be. We used Institute Marques in baecelona and I honestly cannot recommend them Highly enough. They where brilliant every step of the way.

sparechange · 02/02/2015 16:39

Can you go to another clinic to discuss your chances of conceiving with your own eggs and sperm and then your other options?
You would have to have counselling before you could use donor sperm or embryos, so it would perhaps be a good starting point to get a proper review of your treatment programmes to date, and your chances of success with the different options.
Where abouts are you based? I'm sure people could recommend some clinics they've had good experiences with...

KarmaViolet · 02/02/2015 16:43

I don't think it's tough on the child not to be genetically related. I think we have a fucked up attitude towards donation for reproduction (as opposed to anything else). If you or your child had an armful of someone else's blood, or god forbid needed someone's retina or kidney, you're expected to feel a vague sense of appreciation towards the donor but nothing more, whereas if the cells in question are gametes rather than platelets, the donor is suddenly meant to be more than just genetic material. I think it's closely connected to the religious right who are opposed to donor families full stop and have very successfully persuaded the public that a donor is a "father" or "mother."

DP and I went to counselling with the London Women's Clinic before we conceived - I would recommend that, and also watching some of the videos from donor conceived children on the DCN site.

KarmaViolet · 02/02/2015 16:44

Congratulations Kannet Flowers

Kannet · 02/02/2015 16:46

Thank you KarmaViolet

Original poster
Notmymuse · 02/02/2015 16:57

Congratulations Flowers

Do you mind me asking how long you were out there for? If we go for it I'm hoping to only be away a couple of nights due to work commitments.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notmymuse · 02/02/2015 16:57

It hasn't helped that my mother is dead against it and keeps saying 'but it won't be yours' on loop.

OP posts:
Meechimoo · 02/02/2015 17:00

But he/she would be yours biologically because he/she would be nurtured by you for 9 months through your placenta. You would always have that biological link.

addicted2cake · 02/02/2015 17:17

So sorry your icsi didn't work, that's so tough on you and your DH.I would personally try again but with another clinic, you need better answers as to why it didn't work and not to have follow up appts after a failed ivf attempt is terrible. If you find out its definitely down to the quality of your eggs then go for donated eggs. Good luck!

PtolemysNeedle · 02/02/2015 17:34

It would be a big step to take given that you're only wondering if there might be a problem with your eggs?

Do you think it would make a difference to how you felt if you knew for certain that there was a problem with your eggs, or if you knew for certain that your eggs were likely to be just as good as any donors?

Original poster
Notmymuse · 02/02/2015 17:43

Yes I think it would. But I'm not sure how they find that out? My clinic seemed to think it was an unknown quantity.
My egg reserve is fine and antral follicle count good. I ovulate every 28 days without fail...but that doesn't necessarily mean the quality is any good.

OP posts:
Kannet · 02/02/2015 18:04

The first appointment only took a day for the tests. When we had the transfer we stayed one day then travelled home the next. It was all very straightforward. The drs will also do the initial consultation by Skype. They where brilliant. I leaned more I one appointment there then all my other clinics.

Kannet · 02/02/2015 18:07

Also tell your mum where to go. How rude

Blueboatinghat · 02/02/2015 18:11

YANBU.

Best of luck :)

Amummyatlast · 02/02/2015 18:20

I wouldn't have a problem with using donated embryos (in fact I have been considering it). I had successful ICSI treatment following lack of fertilisation using IVF (no known problems) and, while it worked, I only had one egg make it out of 20 and there are certainly question marks over egg quality for me.

Did they change your protocol at all at the clinic?

itchybumagain · 02/02/2015 18:23

I've been in a similar position. My now ex DH had male factor and I was given all clear.

We had three full cycles and two abandoned due to poor quality eggs/embryos.

I was the same, open to adoption etc but I wanted to be pregnant. So we agreed on a final last cycle and threw everything at it.

Acupuncture weekly 3 months before cycle and after EC and ET none during TWW.

Zita West vitamins, no caffeine or alcohol.

Two weeks off work after ET and did nothing.

I know you may have tried above but if you can, give acupuncture a go. You'll need one who specialises in fertility issues but I'm convinced it helped me.

PM if you need any other info, good luck x

BadgersNadgers · 02/02/2015 18:46

One of my friends had IVF using a donor egg, though it was her husband's sperm that was used. They are happy, healthy and the most "normal" family you could imagine. My friend carried her child, gave birth to her child and is raising her child. She is the mother of that child. The donor gave them a wonderful gift but will never be anything more than that because a family is about so much more. I wish you all the luck in the world with your decision.