Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dh to do fair share of morning get ups?

38 replies

breakingthebank · 02/02/2015 06:54

I work FT. Dh isn't working at the moment. We have 3dcs. I get up every day with the baby no matter what time he wakes while dh lies in. I have told him this isn't fair and he just gets defensive and starts telling me what he does do. These discussions/arguments don't result in him getting up with baby. Really fed up Sad

OP posts:
Nolim · 02/02/2015 06:56

Just to clarify what do you expect him to do with the baby? Cuddle and a bottle?

Original poster
breakingthebank · 02/02/2015 07:01

Yes, baby is 13 months old. He wakes between 6am and 7am for the day (until very recently he woke at 5am every day) . Someone needs to get up with him, give him a bottle an supervise him.

OP posts:
Nolim · 02/02/2015 07:03

If dh is not working at the moment waking up at 5 or 6 and looking after the baby is totally reasonable. Yanbu. At what yime does your dh go to sleep?

Original poster
breakingthebank · 02/02/2015 07:05

He was in bed last night at 10pm. I went at 11pm. He's still asleep and I'm up with baby.

OP posts:
bigbluestars · 02/02/2015 07:10

Not fair.

YonicScrewdriver · 02/02/2015 07:11

What kind of day does he have with the baby?

Original poster
breakingthebank · 02/02/2015 07:18

Baby is great. He has 2 naps a day (one in the morning after school run and one in the afternoon). He won't have a hard day.

OP posts:
Original poster
breakingthebank · 02/02/2015 07:45

Dh surfaced at about 7.20am. Enough time for me to have fed and changed baby. I do wonder whether his avoidance of morning feeds is due to the fact that he tends to have a cigarette outside as soon as he gets up. Obviously he can't do this if he's responsible for baby.

OP posts:
Starlightbright1 · 02/02/2015 07:53

I would stop the asking him ..Tell him we are taking it in turns to get up... Not ask....Tell him you did today so he can do tomorrow...Then you have to wake him up while he pretends to be asleep even if it means little one crying shouting for a few minutes... You shouldn't have to but at least after a while he will realise pretending to be asleep does not stop him having to get up

MinceSpy · 02/02/2015 07:58

So he's the stay at home parent and you are the only one bringing in money at the moment. With three DC to get up and ready for school a 6am start sounds fine. He needs to get up and see to the baby. You could get up do the bottle and give him baby and bottle then get yourself in the shower and ready for work. A couple of times being late on the school run should focus his mind.

MythicalKings · 02/02/2015 07:59

Collect crying child.
Take crying child to DH.
Enter shower.

mayfridaycomequickly · 02/02/2015 07:59

Of course he can still have a fag - dp smokes and used to just pop ds in his high chair / walker and watch him through the window.

Original poster
breakingthebank · 02/02/2015 08:03

I've done the telling him. He will then get up, heat bottle and bring baby and bottle back to bed. Once baby had been fed he wants to go downstairs so he will proceed to grab me, poke me in the eyes, etc. Dh will not get up with him. Baby will start crying because he wants to go downstairs, Dh will still not get up, instead trying to placate him with songs and toys in bed. In the end, I get up with him anyway. It's like dh's lazy arse is welded to the fucking bed!

OP posts:
MinceSpy · 02/02/2015 08:11

You really need to take control. Get bottle and crying child dump on lazy git. Shower, dress and leave the house. You both chose to have three children and he needs to start looking after them.

Mammanat222 · 02/02/2015 08:16

Similar situation here. We have a toddler and 12 day old and OH isn't back to work yet.

He is night owl and I am early bird so he has newborn for a few hours at night (9-1 or 2am) so I get a decent few hours. I do the mornings.

Obviously It's slightly different as I'm on ML and once he goes back to work he'll be in bed earlier but we did same with DS and it worked for us.

Does he pull his weight in general op? Does he do the lions share as he isn't working?

Original poster
breakingthebank · 02/02/2015 08:16

I'm happy to do the giving baby to him during the week but at weekends I would like an equal share of any lie ins

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 02/02/2015 08:17

What happens at the weekends OP?

LuckyLuckyMe · 02/02/2015 08:27

Imagine if it was the other way around. Would DH be on here complaining that he works FT but he has to get up every morning with a baby while his DW stays in bed?

LuckyLuckyMe · 02/02/2015 08:30

No it wouldn't happen. You would never get away with staying in bed every morning.

Original poster
breakingthebank · 02/02/2015 08:32

At weekends I get up with baby and he stays in bed. Sometimes I bring baby into bed and feed him before getting up with him. Sometimes I've told dh I'm tired so he needs to get up with baby. He then brings baby into bed to feed him and I end up getting up with him anyway. Dh lay in til 9am yesterday. Every other day he tends to get up about half an hour after me so I've fed baby by the time he appears.

OP posts:
Original poster
breakingthebank · 02/02/2015 08:39

Actually Luckyluckyme I am not complaining about getting up every morning with baby. I am complaining he takes at least one lie in every week and I don't get one ever. I think for a man or a woman that is an unfair division of labour. I also put dcs to bed every night, do all washing, sort clothes for school and ensure baby had clean clothes ready.

OP posts:
dogelove · 02/02/2015 08:42

Maybe stop getting desperate and start getting furious?

Just tell him he is being a lazy fuck, and absolutely taking the piss. You will do alternate days. You WILL get a lie in at the weekend.

Leave the baby to him. If he brings the baby upstairs and baby starts crying, tell him "He wants to go downstairs." then leave it at that. Don't get involved!

If you keep interfering then your DP basically has no incentive to do anything. He knows he can do the bare minimum - badly - and then you will do the rest.

Quitelikely · 02/02/2015 08:48

He's an absolute disgrace if you ask me.

Tell him that when you have a baby and become a parent there are certain things that need to change and new realities that need to be faced.

One of these realities is that babies get up early in the morning and as that baby belongs to both of you he should be making an effort to get up with the baby so you are not doing all the leg work.

Tell him by not giving you a lie in he is therefore saying his own needs are more important than yours.

Tell him you might have reconsidered having this baby with him if you knew then what you know now.

Tell him you aren't a full time nanny but a parent and you need him to start being a parent otherwise he is putting you in a very difficult position.

angeleyes72 · 02/02/2015 08:50

sahm here with 3dc. dh works long hours but dc, laundry etc are my responsibility. Sometimes I feel dh doesn't help enough when home but I do cut him some slack during the week as he works hard. Although 3dc is hard work for me too.
I despair that some male sahp still leave much of the childcare to the female wohp. He is not cutting you any slack op. He is bejng very lazy.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 02/02/2015 08:54

My DH works full time and I'm at home with DD 14 months. He tends to do the mornings as I do the night time wake ups. Sometimes I get up and let him have a lie in. It depends what the rest of your division of labour is like really, and what you've agreed between you. If you haven't agreed anything then id suggest having a conversation about it, but that won't work if he just gets defensive.

Swipe left for the next trending thread